nolanarcher

One Year Later Sans Mom

2011-10-12T21:29:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is October 13 and in addition to all the birthdays I have memorized from this month I have a deathday. I have thought of it coming for a long time, but with no real special significance to the anniversary (other than me remembering dates - like learning she might have cancer on October 4 the year before). I was at JLYS tonight. October 13 was a Wednesday night last year. I didn't have much work last October right before school, so I hung out with my Mom instead. She and my Dad didn't come to the annual Thanksgiving extended get-together. So I think we stopped by to drop off a gift - an electronic keyboard, since she couldn't get down to her piano. I remember staying with her at the hospital and walking around her ward and she stopped to play and there was a whole extended family in the room who got to benefit. I remember taking her for rides outside at the hospital after she couldn't walk anymore. I remember choosing paintings for her room when they came by to offer new ones. I remember parking somewhere in Parkdale and walking over to avoid paying for parking. I parked a ways away in Kingsland before seeing her on her last day too. I had made myself a playlist to pray through walking over and the linked song was on it. This morning it came on by shuffle and I was singing along and it starts off light-heartedly enough, and I was light-hearted enough, right? But the 5 1/2 minute bridge came along and at 6 minutes I started yelling violently enough to completely drown out the loudly playing stereo, "Hey! You'll never find another - Hey! Hey! You'll never find another - Hey! Hey! Hey! You'll never find another - Hey! Hey! Hey! You'll never find another - "
My throat still hurts.
Sunday afternoon I was exhausted and went to have a power nap but it turned into two and a half hours. I subsequently couldn't fall asleep and ended up awake until 3:30 AM. So I purchased and listened to Thrice's new album Major-Minor. I'd read an interview about it and was saddened to discover that the two brothers in the band had lost their Father to cancer in the last year, the guitarist had lost his Mother to cancer, and the vocalist's Dad was fighting cancer.
The liner notes brought me to tears with this:
"I’d like to dedicate this record to my beautiful mother, Takako Izumi, who showed me what true love, peace and courage is in her battle with cancer. I love you mom. You taught me everything I know and although you are sorely missed, alas you are a “citizen of some other place” and I look forward to the day we are reunited. お母さん, ありがとう。神様のもとでまた会えること楽しみにしてます。/ 哲平
Ed and I would like to dedicate Major/Minor to our Dad. He’d been unbelievably supportive of our music over the years, was a fixture at local Thrice shows for 13 years, an objective listener and critic of our work, an incredibly helpful business advisor, a constant source of motivation and inspiration, one of the most dedicated and proud Thrice fans that ever existed, and most importantly, was an incredible father and irreplaceable friend. It pains us that he didn’t get to hear this record, and that we won’t be able to see him singing along, misty-eyed and beaming with pride when we look into the crowd at hometown shows, but we will carry his memory into everything we do from here on out.We miss you unfathomably, Daddio. RIP. / RILEY"

I too saw true love, peace and courage and can't ever wipe the memory of her smiling at visitors all day while in incredible pain on her last.
The Violet Burning played at our house last week and it was comforting in an odd way because they were selling an album with her name in it. They had done fund-raising with pre-sales and published people who'd helped them out. So I donated money on behalf of my Mom last fall. Yes she was a friend of independent rock'n'roll and I knew it would make her smile when she found out.

I hope she gets to see pictures of her namesake granddaughter smiling or listen to her laugh. It is beautiful.

Blood Pressure

2011-10-08T21:40:00.003-06:00

Saturday October 8
This is supposed to be the month that I finish prepping for doing siding next month. Today Ryan came over to help me prep for parging. He offered to help me unsolicited. Help itself is no small miracle but without even asking? Is Ryan Jesus?
Well, no. But he tries, and that's a good thing.
It went mostly well until after he left. Then I went to fasten the bottom of the lathe for the parging. Would you believe that the wall anchors I got for this - not the good, the better, or the best, but the BESTEST or whatever they called it line - don't work in foam? Very depressing. Sherry wanted to cheer me up so she asked if she could help out with something while I'm at work during the week, like putting baffles in the attic. Well sure, why not? Using a hammer tacker isn't difficult and doesn't require a journeyman ticket, it's just dirty in all that insulation. How fantastic will this be! More getting done! She wanted to start right away so we got her into the attic and passed her up some materials and oh, the attic is like this? You have to belly-crawl to the edge? Did you know I'm mildly claustrophobic? Well no, I didn't know that, but stop feeling bad Sherry. I love you for always, and I'll do it some day, and be extra glad that I got to do it instead of you.
How to fasten the lathe, how to fasten the lathe?
I could try different wall anchors but there's no guarantee they would work and opening boxes of them means I can't return them and it could get expensive and annoying very quickly. The stupid part is that I have different kinds at work that I could easily trade (they'd get the BESTEST ones, good deal for them) but I'm not back at work until Tuesday. Agh.
So I tried to think of other creative ways, but they all seemed ridiculous, convoluted, difficult and time-consuming. I tried looking online and for fastening foam signs, epoxy is recommended. Drill a hole, fill it with epoxy and then embed a fastener into that. Hmm well OK, but where am I going to get epoxy for foam and how much is that going to set me back? Wait a minute, why couldn't I just use my glue that I have for foam. It accomplishes the same thing. Something very hard once it cures to screw into. I need to go to bed.
I think I came on here to post about my mood swings of late. Super excited about my birthday party. Depressed the next day. Much cheered in the evening, into the next morning. Stressed again at night. Last night I was stressing again, but stopped to pray and felt much better, until this afternoon when it all got very complicated again.

House Concert

2011-09-27T22:45:00.003-06:00

So it's true. I will have a house concert here in one week. One week. I'm as excited as a little kid.
I got to tell Faye why tonight and I'm still bursting with it. She was at possibly the first house concert I have been to and she loved that one too. It was in Sheri McConnel's apartment downtown. At the time she had a crazy studio apartment in East End with massive floor to second level ceiling windows looking out on the city. Crystal [Lozchuk] played and sang. She told stories about her songs. There was undoubtedly funky snacks / beverages. Faye probably invited me actually. I think it was mostly her house church at the time that was there.

Anyway, I was in a bit of a stressful, short-on-sleep, deeply-friend-deprived state of life but I decided to go anyway. It was awesome. I remember very clearly that it felt like a slice of perfect in the middle of all of that weight. The atmosphere, the music, the art, the sharing of life's stories, new people, and God's tangible presence. It was beautiful.

I have always found one of Jesus' stories intriguing. It is the one about the king who has a wedding banquet and invites his friends. They decline with a variety of excuses, and the king says to his wedding planner, well screw them, but I want a party, so go out and find whoever you can. So strangers on the street corners are invited and the party is fully attended. The story goes on with the King finding someone not wearing proper wedding attire and throws him out. The point is that I have always thought it was an interesting way of showing some of God's personality. He wants to hang out with people. The important part is having company apparently, not being too choosy about the invitations (if people are losers then throw them out later I guess).

I have had the pleasure of enjoying a few small concerts in my life and have loved them. Jacob & Lily for example, at a pub in Eau Claire, at Curtis & Andrea's, at Jenn Uhl's house. There's something very savoury about them. Big concerts are usually like going to the movie theatre. You don't have any interaction with the other people in the theatre. You just happen to be there together. But small concerts, you end up meeting interesting people, or at least feeling a little bit more of a bond with these people enjoying music with you. Who doesn't like to find people who enjoy the same music as yourself? People who understand or at least have discovered how great something is are a treat.

In some small way, it reminds me of one of my favourite places: camp. Camp combines people of all kinds of backgrounds, enjoying nature together, and meeting with God. It's a snapshot of heaven. Music is a part of nature, and a meeting of a similar nature can be just such a snapshot.

I have a house concert / birthday party, and in some ways a smaller event with close friends would be more satisfying. However, sometimes I just want to share something wonderful. It's very difficult to actually have a big event when people are reticent to include you in their difficult schedules, and so you must be like the King and not be very selective about your invites. You need to invite 200 people telling them to bring friends to actually get 50. I have switched tenses and started saying you though. I need to invite people. I've been doing so contagiously, but I must continue. I'll invite families from Jesus Love You tomorrow night and I feel I should invite my neighbours. Who else is left?

Calgary Public Library's Search Engine Results

2011-09-27T22:37:00.001-06:00

Search Results

"fresh the movie" search found 5 titles.

1.
Place Hold

Email List
Title Zuo Lin you Li zhi wo ai yi jia ren [videorecording (DVD)] = We are family Author Hu, Jing. Call number DVD CHINESE FICTION WO PublisherEditionPub date2006Holdings
Total number of copies: 10

2.
Place Hold

Email List
Title Anchorman the legend of ron burgundy [videorecording (Blu-ray)] Widescreen ed. Author Ferrell, Will Call number BLU-RAY FICTION ANC PublisherEditionPub date2004Holdings
Total number of copies: 14

Autumn Leaves Haven't Fallen Yet! But In Calgary They Mostly Suddenly Drop-Dead

2011-09-15T21:12:00.004-06:00

Oh Fall, you have come and with your presence, memories of when last you came.
I remember a whole year ago.
When my Mom was still alive.
When I built my last house with Kyle.
When we decided to have a break from cohousing to focus on home renos.
Painting my foundation with tar in the mud in the dark in a trench.
When I started school again.
When I missed having a birthday party again.

But not this year. This year I feel determined to have a birthday party. Sure sure I have house renos galore that stare at me menacingly, gloating about how it's getting colder and I still have to get parging and tiered window wells done before frigidity. Yet someone at work off-handedly remarked at the end of a conversation, "oh yeah, and you work too hard," and left. Almost prophetic. So I have been trying to think of activities I'd like to do. Things that have slipped away. Like hiking in the mountains, or rock climbing in the mountains, or camping in the mountains. Remember the mountains? Or I could go bike riding in the provincial park I live beside. I could even go get that carrier bike conversion kit. I could definitely have a game of Risk 2210 with expansions (particularly if someone printed off cards or boards as a present for me - or paid someone on boardgamegeek.com to do it). I could go on a prayer walk. Or...(this could be an And...) I could have a house concert with The Violet Burning! This may come true. And if it does, I could bust out my disco ball, and lights. I could make yummy food and drinks. I could invite everyone and their kitten over, just kidding, there are no pets that aren't being eaten allowed in my house. Nathan Horch is trying to organize shows (house concerts, pubs, churches, etc.) for Oct 4 -11, so if you have any ideas, don't delay, do something about them!

Memento

2011-08-21T20:52:00.004-06:00

"DUCHESSE DE BOURGOGNE
from Brouwerij Verhaeghe is the traditional Flemish red ale. This refreshing ale is matured in oak casks; smooth with a rich texture and interplay of passion fruit, and chocolate, and a long, dry and acidic finish. After the first and secondary fermentation, the beer goes for maturation into the oak barrels for 18 months. The final product is a blend of younger 8 months old beer with 18 months old beer. The average age of the Duchesse de Bourgogne before being bottled is 12 months."

Note to self: First beer I didn't mind drinking - courtesy Daniel Wilson

[ADDITION]
I asked Daniel what a red ale is and we googlewiki'd it and found this:
"Flanders red ale is a style of sour ale usually brewed in Belgium. Although sharing a common ancestor with English porters of the 17th century,[1] the Flanders red ale has evolved along a different track: the beer is often fermented with organisms other than Saccharomyces cerevisiae, especially Lactobacillus, which produces a sour character attributable to lactic acid. Long periods of aging are employed, a year or more, often in oaken barrels, to impart an acetic acid character to the beer. Special red malt is used to give the beer its unique color and often the matured beer is blended with a younger batch before bottling to balance and round the character.
Flanders reds have a strong fruit flavor similar to the aroma, but more intense. Plum, prune, raisin and raspberry are the most common flavors, followed by orange and some spiciness. All Flanders red ales have an obvious sour or acidic taste, but this characteristic can range from moderate to strong. There is no hop bitterness, but tannins are common. Consequently, Flanders red ales are often described as the most "wine-like" of all beers.
Notable examples include Duchesse de Bourgogne"

Of course the first beer I like is lacto-fermented and the most wine-like of all beers...

Returning to shadows of what used to be

2011-07-31T10:56:00.002-06:00

Dear heavenly Father,

It's me, Nolan. It is another beautiful day you've made us. As today is Sunday, the day when many Christians pretend it's the Sabbath, I celebrated rest by turning off the alarm I had originally set and letting myself sleep in. After I'd turned my alarm off last night, I started reading Mark again while Sherry fed Amara. Simon was married. I never noticed that before. Did his wife tour around with you guys too? Or did Simon have to 'forsake all' for you? It doesn't say, so I don't know.
I continue to think about the idea that you plan each of our places in the world and history. Why was I born in Calgary instead of Somalia? Why does my daughter get to cluster feed and others' have to starve? Thank you for compassion. I blessed Amara with it the other day. Sneezing is an excellent reminder to pray. Thank you for groups like the Red Cross. Bless them as they bless others.

"Wherever God is not present in our structures, we are constructing idolatries—mimicking and mocking heaven." (Hmm, I would properly site this except that I'm not sure exactly - I copied it off Kirk Bartha's webpage where it is quoted from one Clairvaux Manifesto, but at the bottom it says Kirk Bartha 2008 - so did Kirk write it and then include the quote so that people might not think that it was a new writing of his? Perhaps it would be less mysterious if I read other people's blogs more consistently but that isn't likely to happen. I should reprint the quote again since I have completely lost my train of thought.)

"Wherever God is not present in our structures, we are constructing idolatries—mimicking and mocking heaven."
It is July 31. The last day of the month. I made it my goal to have finished the foam and strapping of my house today, and then complete the siding next month. This house renovation thing is very good at toying with one's brain. Will it be worth it one day? Who can tell? Is that even for me to contemplate? I don't want it to be hollow though God. I want to continue to lean on, depend on, and completely trust you. This weekend I have been slowed down trying to decide how to do many things. There are so many options, and which one should I choose? Then I get angry at myself because instead of completing what I should have been able to, I watch time slip away while I think too much. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I get angry. I'm sorry I don't stop to return to you.
I am very thankful for more being done than a week ago. Thank you for Amara sleeping longer at night. Thank you for strength returning to Sherry. Continue that. Bless Kevin & Ang with strength and joy and perseverance to match their new daughter.

Bless the GFA missionary somewhere on the other side of the world living a life similar and yet unimaginable. Fill him with your spirit. What could he need that you won't already be attending to?
I pray for this country that I was born into. Bless Canada with wisdom and compassion. Permeate our government. I might wish that our federal government was more like Nunavut's. But it is what it is right now. So please put an end to political posturing. Whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, true, honourable, right, excellent and worthy of praise. Let those things be championed by our government. What is good but you God? We are very prone to pride. We find ideas we like and then cling to them, and resist anything different, even if it could be better.
This morning I was amazed that the tiniest bit of light sneaking into our room from the crack around our bathroom door, arriving through a small window with frosted glass, on the east side of the house, could illuminate most of our room. You are the light of the world.

Thank you for health, friends, family, work, summer, abundant food, and a wonderful home.

Thank you for speaking through the sermon podcast at work this week (and for the guys even agreeing to let it play). I do want to be a disciple. A person that other people expect to be able to do the things Jesus does. I want to reflect you. I need to spend time with you to do that.

This prayer keeps reminding me of strong points from this past week. I keep wanting to downplay them. Instead, thank you again. You are evident in and around me and I want more.

Love, your son.

I Used To Have Journals To Write This Down

2011-06-27T22:41:00.003-06:00

I got more phone calls today than I usually get in two weeks.
Can I borrow your truck?
Tell Sherry there's a talent show from 9-10.
We're getting pizza, do you want any?
Can you bring me back my pressure washer?
Can I talk to Sherry about planning her a baby shower?
I wanted to let you know that we had a scare on the drive home. My heart started racing a couple of times. We almost went to the hospital but didn't. It gradually slowed down a little every half hour. My doctor left me a message to see him anyway so maybe my meds will get adjusted then. Don't worry her about it.

Then I read Faye's lament.

Things of sadness.
Little girl, there is a spider hanging from a thread outside. Grass and weeds grow in my yard despite being buried in mulch or construction debris or excavation mess. Your mother and I look at each other with deep love. I have dreams, and they're probably the wrong ones, and I'm not very good at completing them or paying for them, but I will tell you that eating ants is fun, and that even though there are people in this world who murder babies or worse, it is still a beautiful place, a place worth living in.

A Mostly Private Prayer Wall

2011-06-27T21:58:00.003-06:00

Dear Jesus,

It's 10:00 PM but it might as well be 1 AM. I'm tired. My brain hasn't stopped working yet though. Epic had a leadership meeting yesterday night but I wasn't there. I did get emailed about it, however being a newborn father, it just didn't seem very important. But maybe it was, because now I'm sitting here writing instead of being in bed, waiting to change a diaper.

I asked Jason and Megan about it while they were BBQing their supper and it led only to more questions. It always goes that way.

Can I tell you about one of the questions? Jason asked, why Converge (as opposed to just house churches)? Megan had several reasons I've heard before but the one I thought was interesting (given that she doesn't even have children to make this sort of thing a duty) is that she wants children to learn and grow in their faith and do house churches focus on that?

Now perhaps that wasn't very important to Jason because he went to a large church where he may have felt lost in the crowd. For me, Megan's right. Church was a rich time for me growing up. Kids are very curious and idealistic and we had lots of questions to figure out together. We had really good teachers that stuck with us for a whole year or a few.

Thanks for those teachers and those kids and for feeding me so I could grow like my daughter is doing.

I'm still very curious and idealistic, and I want to know what our church should do.

Someone once prayed for me and told me that they saw a picture of a ship setting sail on an exploration voyage.

I once announced to a church a picture from a song that I couldn't shake while praying, about a ship lost at sea, not in crisis, but just floating.

That ship is still at least me.

Dear Amara Mia

2011-06-26T16:58:00.002-06:00

Your Mom is sleeping, I just changed your diaper, and you are lying beside me on the love seat. You are wide awake and looking at me. I've got Bond's Shine album playing for you. They say upbeat classical music is smart for babies. I just felt like putting it on though. We're going to have BBQ Salmon for dinner soon but right now I wanted to write you your first letter. If I mailed it you might not receive it any time soon because Canada Post is on strike.

Sorry, you got upset and I couldn't fool you with my finger. You wanted Mom. When I finally relented and stood up to take you upstairs though, I started to dance. You became quite taken and so I continued. First you stared into my eyes, and I stared right back because yours are beautiful. Later you noticed something beyond me, something better, and I asked you if you could see Jesus. Then I remembered that he likes to dance to, so I had to keep going. Eventually you closed your eyes but still I danced a little more until I was tired. You are nine days old, and I have told you many times, I love you.

Shall I tell you a little about yourself? You are beautiful, and not all babies can claim such things so young. You like to move your arms - none of that swaddling you in tight stuff. You don't cry right away. You wait until we neglect to feed you too long, but don't worry, we don't do that. Sometimes you are fussy when we change your diaper but I think it's usually if you are cold or hungry. Sometimes you don't fuss at all for me. I like to ask you to help me put your clothes on. I get you to kick your legs into your sleeper legs. I get you to grab my finger to pull your hands through the sleeves. I have made up many improvised songs about things like you avoiding rhinos or chasing chickens up hills or climbing trees to talk to birds. My Dad gave me a Father's Day card when you had just been outside for three days and told me to sing you Ma Ma Ma Moo Cows. I have on a couple of occasions. You have only been out of the house twice. When you were a week old we took you to Mom's Principal's house for a staff BBQ. Everyone thought you were fantastic. You weren't fazed at all with being put in a car seat, and you fell asleep on the way home. Today we took you to visit your neighbours across the street. They too think you're great. You weren't super thrilled when your Mom and I gave you a bath yesterday, but I think it's because you got a little cold. You settled down as soon as you were wrapped up and dry. You didn't mind us washing your hair before that. We were surprised. You even liked getting your hair towelled dry. You inherited your Mom's cat-like tendencies.

Your Mom's parents drove out right away intent on seeing you first. They left before you even came out of Mom. They made it on time. Your Grandma watched you being born, and your Grandpa stayed in the vehicle and prayed. He didn't like to hear his daughter working so hard. Your Mom did an awesome job. She did work very hard and I cried a few times. Your grandparents stayed all week to spend time with you. They loved to hold you, and you kept smiling at them. I called my Dad to tell him about you three hours after you were born. He was thrilled and came right away to meet you before your Aunt's wedding. He took a picture and showed everyone at the wedding, including your Great Grandparents. They have called a couple of times and would love to see you too. My Dad came back on Father's Day and got to spend more time with you. He never stopped smiling. Your Mom made me a very delicious chocolate pie.

What else would you like to know? Your weight and length? I could never remember mine, but maybe that's because it wasn't part of a story. Yours was 7 lbs and 6 oz, and you were 21" long. Does that sound exciting, or just gibberish? Well how about a story then.

Your due date was Monday June 20, which is the day before the Summer Solstice. You picked a good due date in my opinion because I am pretty much solar-powered and that is the longest day of the year. The week beforehand, I was scheduled to work on a Ranch west of a little town called Nanton. My boss knew about your due date and wasn't sure I should go, because what if I had to leave to help your Mommy? I went anyway, and brought my phone, ready to bolt if the time came.

[You interrupted this story again and this time I did go let you drink, while I got supper ready]
Love, your Dad.

Oh Canada, Jesus, and Change

2011-04-25T14:12:00.007-06:00

Genesis 1:27-31

So God created human beings in his own image.

In the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them. T

hen God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”

Then God said, "Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food. And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, and the small animals that scurry along the ground—everything that has life.” And that is what happened.

Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

Colossians 3:10
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.

Mark 9:12

And He said to them, "Elijah does first come and restore all things. And yet how is it written of the Son of Man that He will suffer many things and be treated with contempt?

Revelation 22:1-3

Then the angel showed me a river with the water of life, clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb. It flowed down the center of the main street. On each side of the river grew a tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, with a fresh crop each month. The leaves were used for medicine to heal the nations. No longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him.

Kevin Deane revisited an old idea last week at church. The larger story of God's work begins when heaven and earth were the same place, a garden, and ends with that being restored. In between can be painful. How do I respond? Mourn and wait for 'freedom'? Is that the good news? Jesus healed people over and over during his life, restoring crippled legs to walking, blind eyes to seeing, etc. It's true that sometimes Jesus wept at the world he saw around him, yet he went about his Father's business. What was this business of his Father? Could it be the same business God invited us to right at the beginning: To govern the world? Yet, as Jesus taught his disciples, if I want to govern, I shouldn't lord it over others, I lead by serving.

I love that in Genesis, God looks at man being alone, and thinks, this isn't good, he needs a woman. It's the only problem that precludes the entrance of sin. So God changes what he sees. I'm constantly looking at things and imagining change. I want to rotate my garage 90 degrees and put a rooftop patio on it for example. The cost of implementing change is deceptively large. I still have a lot of other incomplete changes to finish. For all change I must consider, is it worth it? Don't let me be a coward though. Don't ever let me stop pushing through pain. No, instead the only question I must allow is:

Which changes are worth their cost?

I'm done school. I'm done that change.

My sister asked how I would celebrate. I visited friends without regard for the next day's tasks. I rested for a weekend. I reread a favourite novel. I took walks with my wife in the sunshine. I celebrated Easter with friends and family. I ate cheesecake and catered salmon for Sherry's work potluck. I wrote political parties emails. I avoided organizing my income taxes today to think and write this. I will take a day tomorrow to go learn how to shade and finish my final project desk & printer stand that Jason is buying from me.

To be done school feels underwhelming. The change isn't done. I'm receiving a carpentry ticket that says I'm competent at a grand list of skills. If only it were true. So I must keep working to make it true. I'd love to begin learning how to do finishing work, but I still have a great many changes that I've begun on my house that require a lot more work to complete, and a lot more money to pay for. I need a part time job, but how do you come by one of those? Friends it seems is the answer, bent on changes of their own. So I will join Jason for four months roofing to check off one of my purported skills as real. I'll only be working four days a week gaining an extra day to do work at home.

Oh Canada, how I would change how you are governed. I imagine having two sectors of federal government. One sector would have no party affiliations. Representatives would be elected and their job would be to present changes to their region's citizens. These are the pros, the cons, the costs. Then they would listen to those informed citizens' feedback, and either vote accordingly or bring any necessary or beneficial revisions back to the other sector of government. This other sector of government would be party based, however the parties would be voted on by total population, not region. The parties would clearly represent value priorities and voters would choose these parties to match their own. The parties would then collaborate to create ideas for change without the crippling distraction of power, because parties wouldn't be deciding anything, the citizens would.

Maybe some day we will open our eyes and demand valuable effective democracy in place of the colonial elitist disgrace we've inherited.

It's Not Easy Being Green, Like A Tortoise Not A Frog

2011-04-14T16:50:00.002-06:00

This morning began well. Actually, the evening prior went well. I had an inkling of things unwell last week with a few of the kids from Jesus Loves You Society (the family centre I volunteer at) at the end of the night, but didn't do anything about it. So last night I had a, "Here we go God," moment before going in. Things did continue, but thankfully I was able to talk to the two kids. I saw a bit of a miracle. It is very difficult to talk to kids who do not want to talk. Kids not wanting to talk when you want them to talk is very common (and vice verse of course). No, instead, they opened up, and I could empathize with their frustrations. But what do you do with your frustrations? The first kid actually answered very quickly, "Calm down." It wasn't a question. He wasn't feeding me the right answer. He wasn't dodging the issue. I was so impressed. But wait, then I asked the how question. He said that whipping a ball at the wall for a few minutes is a good way for him to calm down. The floor hockey ball. And it's alright if I get you to do that off to the side when I can see you're frustrated? Yes.

I like him. Not because of this, as impressive as his response was. I think he's talented, energetic, and beyond positive attributes, I think he's good, at the core, in some strange in-obvious way.

I talked to the other kid and had to explain a few things about making comments that point out others' (deemed) faults while they're frustrated - that's never helpful, leave that decision up to the leaders, instead, look for ways to encourage other kids. He too was game. Anyways, it felt resolved, or at least resolved for the night, and a step in the right direction.

Then a friend from house church called and it was good to be called (and invited out for a show) and to catch up. And I loved hanging out with other friends and seeing the Moms and eating delicious chicken curry. Good times.

Back to today. I woke up earlier to make sure I had enough time with the weather to get to school on time. I listened to really cool music on 88.1 AVR3 FM. This week is practical shop exam week. We build desks that get graded by the apprenticeship board people as opposed to our instructors. We have to get 70%+ on the desks to get our tickets. The test is time-limited. I'm not very good at being time-limited. On almost every project I've worked on in Shop at SAIT, it's taken me longer. Some people have really good skills, and whip perfect projects off in no time. Other people don't care about quality and are only concerned with whipping projects off in no time. Then there are other people who may not have background skills, but work their way through in the allotted time, and produce a pretty good product. I am almost in that category, except that I'm the slowest, and don't often fulfill the allotted time part of that scenario. So on our largest project where we get two weeks' worth of shop time in one week, every day I get further and further and further behind.

Tomorrow I will hit the deadline, and then every 30 minutes I will be penalized to a maximum penalty of 3 hours. I was doing some estimating, and it will likely take me all 3 of those hours to finish. Which means I should stay all day and fix up any small errors I can so as to prevent losing marks to make up for the penalty lost marks. My instructor says that we can stay until 5, but after that, we should find a new trade...

It's the story of my SAIT education. We have clocked quotas we must fulfill of time at school which adds up to 265 hours per term. I usually rack up an extra 100 each time. That's like doing 11 weeks instead of 8 of school.

Knowing you're quite far behind means that in the midst of the pressured production, mistakes are very frustrating. But like the kids, what are my options? I'm not sure, but my habitual routine has become to angrily curse the subject of my mistake, apologize to God, and gain lots of extra experience by doing so many things twice, or discover interesting ways of repairing things. Today in my stress I started singing songs to myself, which helped - I think. I didn't actually sing Kermit's song. Now I must go study some more - exams are coming exams are coming.

Letter to the Vice President

2011-04-09T21:52:00.007-06:00

Dear Dr. Gordon Nixon,

I wish to begin by expressing my gratitude at your enthusiasm towards listening to students. It is a fine mark of humility and wisdom. As I exit SAIT's Carpentry apprenticeship program, I leave these thoughts:

There are more than a few fantastic instructors in the program. Special commendations go to Randy Jones, Stacy Jessamine, and Dan Weinerte. I didn't even get to be in a class with Stacy or Dan, other than a few shop classes, but their enthusiasm, knowledge and assistance were plainly evident. This extended outside of shop class, and beyond just the students in their classes too. Randy, though the newest instructor (that I am aware of) seemed to possess the greatest ability to understand the students' perspectives. He used this to tailor his effective teaching methods, and also to focus on areas of learning that were emphasized by the course. An example of an effective practice was to have weekly shop quizzes. He would emphasize points during shop, and sure enough, come Friday you needed to remember them. When being exposed to so many new things all at once, it is easy for students to be overwhelmed. These quizzes helped to keep knowledge from slipping away. He had very good communication and demonstration skills, making sure the class understood how and what they were doing. He used the whiteboard every day, writing down the day's objectives and steps, keeping large projects broken down into manageable tasks. Then after everyone started working he would wander around, watching students, offering suggestions or tips, asking questions and answering them. He was the most prolific lecture provider, going above and beyond to ensure students understood the course material; helpfully suggesting which things to study thoroughly and which things only needed a basic grasp of the concept. I really appreciated this since first year in particular had the greatest module load with the greatest amount of small details to remember. I appreciated each of my subsequent instructors, Garry Gierke, Ron Bolokski, and Albert Goodeve as well. I didn't take these good instructors for granted, as there were other instructors who seemed to regard students as inconveniences, or insufferable for their lack of experience, and were intimidating to seek help from.

If I might offer some constructive criticism, it would fall upon the TLM system. Bluntly, SAIT as an educational institution, should be ashamed of the disgraceful quality it tolerates for a program they sell to other schools. To begin with, the english composition skills used to write some of the questions are very poor. This could be solved if the questions were screened by editors first, but apparently they are not. Does SAIT offer any english classes? Perhaps they could use the TLM questions as coursework for students. Otherwise someone should be hired immediately to begin bringing the system up to at least the Grade 9 level that apprenticeship students are expected to possess before entering the program.

It is not just the poor spelling, grammar, and incoherence present in questions that is a problem. The calibre of the questions is disappointing. The transition from writing SAIT post-tests to writing provincial exams can be jarring. I would describe the great majority of SAIT questions as short. What is the name of a tool with a wooden handle and a metal top? Is it a hammer, a truck, a circular saw, or a trowel? Now suppose, I was unfamiliar with hammers. Great, now I will remember that a hammer has a wooden handle and a metal top. What is it used for? When wouldn't I want to use it? If a peculiar problem arose, should I use my hammer or another tool? The module may have had 3 pages written on the subject, but I will see only this question, or the same question, slightly reworded. To contrast, here is a Red Seal practice exam question: On an intersecting roof, what happens to the design length of the given rafters if the minor span is increased?

I'll save you the four options because you may not be a carpenter and may not appreciate them, but the reason this is a more challenging question is because this specific point wasn't even covered in a module and it certainly wasn't approached in the TLM. The concept behind it was covered in the module, but perhaps all that the TLM was concerned about was copying a graphic image from the module and asking students to correctly identify which rafter was which. Many of the SAIT final exams tried to include some complex questions such as this, but the TLM does not adequately prepare students for them. It must start including complex questions if it is to teach students to think independently, and extend basic facts or concepts into practice.

The TLM question bank isn't big enough. Students complete one post test per module. Post tests are an average of 4 pages long and include about 20 questions. Students then have the option of completing 3 more re-tests for practice. In these retests, about 4 in 5 questions are duplicates of questions already seen. The student had to succeed in the first post-test with a minimum score of 80% in order to move forward and be able to write a retest. If they were already able to achieve this success, why are they wasting paper printing off the same questions again and again? Many of them are not. They know that a great majority of the questions are repeated and don't even bother to attempt them. When they do attempt them, it is very difficult to stay mentally engaged, because if you already know the answer, you just skim through questions mindlessly. I stop contemplating the subject material; I'm just feeding the computer the answers it needs. Having more questions available, allows broader practice, which results in better learning.

In all four years of my attendance, I found question after question with important errors in them. I would go and point them out to instructors who were shocked because the questions were often old and no one had asked them about it before. Why? Because the students trust the TLM, and assume that they themselves are at fault, or they just don't care. Well that's fine for the students who understand and don't care - they haven't lost anything - but the students who just accepted the mistakes and moved on have learned lies. In addition to questions that were plainly wrong, there were questions that listed valid choices within the four options but marked them wrong. Sometimes this is done on purpose to emphasize a best answer as opposed to a satisfactory one. That's fine. However, I ran into many questions that had these kinds of mistakes included because of an unfamiliarity with the course content! I would hope that a lot of these errors could be traced back to an old version of a module (modules also contain mistakes). Even if they are a result of module updating, someone needs to keep abreast of module revisions and update TLM questions accordingly. Currently, it is left up to students to notice these mistakes and bring them to the attention of instructors. Instructors are very busy with other tasks and don't get around to fixing questions very quickly. Students are also very busy and generally don't sacrifice their own learning time to have questions revised, especially since they are so accustomed to seeing errors or poorly worded questions. This is sad, because it is the students who are the ones who have a good perspective on whether a question was 'good' or 'bad' (whether it was fair, helpful, and clear).

Some questions just aren't fair. For post-tests, that's fine. They become a learning opportunity. But for exams they become a problem. Instructors don't always realize that the questions aren't fair because they have seen all of the course. Instructors should have background experience to augment their understanding of the content. Instructors have had the very useful learning step of teaching the content. Finally, and most detrimentally, instructors are familiar with the question itself and associate it with the answer that leads to a check mark by the computer. Students don't have these advantages. It is an awful thing to penalize students' grades because they didn't know something that they weren't taught. That's not to say that the exams are extremely difficult and riddled with unfair questions. Some, in fact, could be passed by any twelve-year-old. It's not a bad thing for lots of students to score well if they really know the course content. It is a bad thing if the system has to fully rely on multiple choice testing, complete with questions rigged with (at least) two give-away impossibilities to push students through. Instead of engineering the exams to pass the students, how about addressing the root issue of inadequate teaching?

I would recommend that someone (if not a team) is hired to repair, expand & develop, and manage the question banks full time. Students would be informed, aware and welcomed to bring errors to attention. Please let me know how you intend to address this problem.

I thoroughly appreciated every minute of shop time. Practical, hands-on learning is very valuable, and often leaves a much greater impression than words on a page. If I could suggest anything it would be to increase shop time. If the TLM was improved, I believe students wouldn't need as much help dealing with TLM questions. This could free up instructors' time to spend longer periods in shop. The course content that is covered in shop is always the best understood. Unfortunately, much of the core content isn't afforded time for shop learning. Figuring out a way of expanding shop learning would be of monumental significance in the education of students. I succeeded well in school, often top of my class. Yet I look at the Red Seal list of skills that I am expected to be competent in, yes even able to accomplish unsupervised and I am dismayed. There is a valuable module called Job Coaching that I was privileged to read (even though all the TLM questions made a mockery of its importance). It simplified the learning process down to an instructor showing, then telling a student what and how to do a task. Then having the student do the task (showing the instructor) and then getting the chance to tell the instructor whether they had any difficulties or ask any questions. This is actually a great learning model. It's too bad that it isn't always used by instructors in shop. It could be. It is also the reason learning in shop is so valuable over the TLM. When are students given the chance to respond to TLM questions? Who is watching students flounder their way through questions guessed at, able to offer tips or constructive criticism?

Even field trips (which were rumoured once or twice but never occurred) would be helpful in giving students a visual memory to associate with a complex learning subject that they have no experience with. While the apprenticeship program is designed to have students learn skills from their employers (and checked neatly off in their blue book), carpentry has become a trade full of niches. For my ideal education, I would need to quit my job every 3 months to go learn a different aspect of carpentry. Residential cribbing, framing, stairs, cabinets, finishing, roofing, siding, ceilings, sidewalks. Then commercial concrete work and the myriad of different tasks you could be assigned (and then left on). Yes after six years of residential framing, I'm a little bit bored, and will go seek new experiences elsewhere, but it's not even close to realistic to expect students to gain experience in all or even most areas of carpentry on the job site. Learning in school is therefore critical, and isn't treated as such.

I will be embarrassed to seek work and be expected to possess the skills associated with my trade that I don't have. I'm sure that I will receive high 90s yet again in my course work at SAIT and even on my provincial and red seal examination, and it will all be very hollow since they obviously aren't very effective in revealing the success of the course's stated purpose.

That's big picture gloom, and hey, maybe you are spectacularly innovative, influential, and surrounded with more such talented people, who will all improve that scene.

Coming back to easier suggestions to fulfill, what if shop time was increased, and students actually got to practice individual skills a little bit more, before throwing them into larger projects. The confidence would be wonderful, and the possessed longevity of the skill lengthened. We receive printed shop books that hint at such ideas, but they were never used, with the exception of the sawhorse book (although that could have been an accident because the instructor was a substitute that week). Maybe we could even see and work with concrete since it's given hefty weighting as far as course content goes. HA! Hefty weighting! Sorry, I was just worried that you were tired. Thanks again for caring enough to ask. I wanted to oblige.

That's right - my child ain't got no fool for a papa - just a dork

2011-03-15T16:50:00.002-06:00

So, I climb into bed last night, early, because I wanted to get an extra good night's rest before an exam today. Sherry innocently inquires, "Do you remember the riddle from Rook [by Stephen James]?"

Umm...

"You know, two men have just completed a robbery. The first man says that he doesn't have enough because if he had to give one stack of his money to the other man, then he would only have half as much. The second man replied, no I don't have enough because I did all the planning and if I gave you one of my stacks, we'd both have the same amount."

My head instinctively said 3 and 2, but obviously that failed. Then I tried a few more things out loud, until Sherry gave up. Then I lay there, thinking about how algebra could solve this. I only needed my graphing calculator from ten years ago and time to relearn how to do algebra. Yes, yes, the equations would be...

I kept lying there and it was driving me mad, so I got up, threw on some pyjamas and headed downstairs to at least write my mental formulas down. Then I couldn't help but google graphing calculators, but that was frustrating because I couldn't quite remember how to use them. So after trying to simplify my equations for awhile, I finally gave up and went back to bed. At least I had something written down to come back to the next day. I only got six hours of sleep, but at least I could sleep.

When I woke up, I knew immediately that I had made a mistake and had doubled the wrong side of one of the equations, and so I grabbed a banana and quickly retried my equation, but they were still horribly complicated and I was sure I must be doing it wrong, because why would a riddle involve this kind of wicked calculus?

After school, I decided to cheat and google key phrases of the riddle, assuming that it wasn't original in the book. Sure enough there was a variation with marbles. Two people had posted replies on the website, and hadn't solved it. The marble version could involve much simpler equations than mine, because mine had to take into account the possibility that the stacks of money weren't necessarily equal.

One of the posted replies had used algebra to discover that negative numbers worked (I'd already tried that the night before but is obviously illogical and not worthy of making a riddle for). But then I perceived that the negative numbers they'd used, worked, as positive. How foolish that they hadn't seen this! Then I noticed that they too had doubled the wrong side of one of their equations and that was their mistake. So I posted the correction, and the answer, and came here to drive all the rest of the world mad. The real riddle, is how I could pass this on to throngs, let alone anyone other than Lisa by writing this on my blog at this point.

I give that last sentence an F too.

Whatever Is Lovely

2011-03-13T21:46:00.006-06:00

Someone asked me today if I regret starting my renovations. A very good question. My answer was no, I'm too stupid to regret it. But the pain it causes me...

I've been thinking about dead people lately. A song came on my ipod on Friday (Cannonball by Five Iron Frenzy), that a friend of mine liked, and I had never paid attention to the lyrics before. They were inspiring. Jono wanted to go to Iceland, and today I happened upon some photos that made me understand why. At first I was grieved that Jono wasn't the one to have taken the photos. And then I felt a friend, who reminded me that he had other things to show Jono. What beauty have you seen now friend?

Whatever is pure, lovely, admirable
true, honourable, right
excellent, and worthy of praise
Fix your thoughts on these.

Günter Salhofer

Video Friday

2011-03-11T16:10:00.001-07:00

the violet burning from the violet burning on Vimeo.

Slightly different moods, and honestly, even though Nathan did a fabulous job editing one of these, how could he compete with a cow mascot head?

Decompression or Debrief?

2011-02-24T19:37:00.002-07:00

I started to write a post, and then the timer went off for Sherry's pumpkin loaf. I ran upstairs, tested it, and it was finished. Just then my phone rang and it was a member of Dragonfly Cohousing. She was calling, she said, really just to chat and catch up. How were Sherry and I doing? We took a leave of absence back at the end of October because home reno deadlines were imminently looming. I would need November and December off for sure. Ha! Finish by December, such a comedian I was. In January and February, the renos continued and Sherry shared that she was pregnant, which was actually why she too had taken a leave of absence in November and December when her energy levels were endangered species. What about now? Well that subject didn't get jumped into right away. Instead, I chatted about how I'd worked 90 hours in the last two weeks, and had the inspection today even though I wasn't ready at all. The inspector was gracious though. He could tell I was ambitious and not the kind to leave my house only half covered in foam. So he credited me for a number of things that were not technically complete yet. He did still have to perform the blower door test and you can't doctor those. The results were not brilliant. I suspected that would be the case, but it was still disappointing. It was a frantic day though. The first project I set out to do was weatherstrip the attic accesses. Oh but what is this? This one is built backwards. I can't weatherstrip it at all. It may be useful to note that when we got the house you couldn't even access it, because they had built the closet shelving right into the attic access. So a simple, 15 minute job, became, a rip everything out, go build a new one, six hour plus job (someone might skeptically ask if it actually takes six hours to build an attic access, and my defensive answer is yes, in fact this one takes longer). And the inspector showed up an hour early, so was it finished? No. Oh well, let's acousti-seal and tack some poly for the blower door test. The inspector also required invoices for everything. Did I have those all prepared? Absolutely not. Am I very organized with my filing, making it easy to locate such things? Quite the opposite. So a tornado attacked my desk repeatedly and didn't succeed very well, at least at finding things for me, it did do a good job of making my desk look tornadoed. Sherry hates tornadoes. It's why she dreams that they're evil spirits and she has to pray in tongues to stop them. She did encourage me this morning to bask in God's presence, even in the attic.
Anyway, did I unload all of these details on my poor Cohousing friend? No. I did admit that I'm nervous about starting my last (and most challenging) segment of school on Monday, whilst still having so much incomplete in my renos. But hey, what's wrong with coming home for supper and then marching outside to work in the dark? I've become accustomed to it. I've also become accustomed to being re-ignited with courage working in daylight, There is no such thing as daylight while going to school.
My cohousing friend asked about Sherry and how she was doing, which I relayed. She asked how my Dad was doing, and me too, post-Mom. And yes eventually she asked what our position was regarding the Cohousing group. We have talked a little bit, here and there, and realistically, we're not financially viable. Cohousing can sometimes get financed by a developer (which still involves preliminary costs), but more often gets financed by the members. How? Savings, investments, or for us, since we don't have any of those responsible things, home-secured lines of credit. We don't even have one of those yet. We do have an unsecured line of credit and have racked it up good with my quest. With my quest taking much longer than anticipated, and being more difficult than expected, it will be a few months before it is vanquished. Even then, we'll have to get our house reassessed to see about getting a secured line. Really though, these renos don't immediately jack up our value beyond their cost. I also laid waste to our yard, and though we have good imaginations for how to make it beautiful, I prespent all of our money. There is also the undeniable fact that, we both love this home. We love how well laid out it is, and how bright it is, and its proximity to the park, and our friendly neighbours, and the crazy quest I have undertaken will some day be finished and then it will be super efficient and gorgeous too.
Anyway, I asked her how she was doing and got to hear about it. She brought up that even if we leave, we would still be more than welcome to come to social events, and I thought, yeah, that would be fun, because there are a lot of cool people in the group and it is weird to think about just severing relationships that have been built up. We could go visit them after it's built (they are rolling right along) and be a little bit jealous.
She also asked if we needed any help. She said obviously she isn't construction proficient, but do we need anything else? I could actually say no. I have felt very supported by my housemates these past couple of months. Whether it's Jason distracting me with board games or a field trip to the gym, or when he's ripping up half my roof to make sure it's actually done right this time. Daniel has pitched in to give me a hand hauling foam bundles, cleaning up, and other odd jobs. He's also nurtured my plants during my neglect. Megan has gone and slept in the basement while working nightshifts because I'm making a racket right outside her room, and kept telling me it was fine. Faye gets home from a very long shift at work, and then a long commute, and still listens to me talk about my day. Sherry, even though her back has been spasming and giving her all kinds of grief for weeks, has been strategically treating me. I'll randomly wish out loud for rhubarb cobbler, or pumpkin bread, or steak, and they'll appear. In fact, every one of them has been very generous in sharing their cooking with me, and encouraging and supporting me. I feel compelled to go write them thank you cards.
And now I feel like a celebrity at an awards show having the sudden urge to thank everyone I can, like my Dad and my friends who came over to help. This will get ridiculous quick. I'll also be like musicians in CD liners, because I want to say, "Thanks God." Thanks for someone calling to ask me how I was doing, when I needed to contemplate how I was doing. I needed to decompress, by debriefing. Thanks for giving me loving family and friends. Thanks for a gracious inspector. Thanks for pumpkin bread and Thai soup and salad tonight. Thanks for working much harder than I do, with much greater skill, knowledge, wisdom, and moral decency. May you be successful in your endeavours in all the countries around the Mediterranean. I'm not there traveling this year, but there's certainly a lot going on that could use your help.

"God's Grace Is Sufficient For You"

2011-02-10T22:03:00.003-07:00

My break yesterday was not enough to save my garage. Although several times it got so bad as to include tears. When I had just two weeks left before my inspection deadline, I did some timeline estimating and knew I had until Wednesday to have my doors finished and the chimney chase installed. Instead I found myself cleaning stain off all day and couldn't even finish that, and no the chimney chase is not built. The doors easily took more than twice what they were supposed to, in a period of time that also included an auto accident one block away from the door hardware store (I slid 40 feet going 10 km/hr on a road doubling as a skating rink into a mini-van). And in the end, I still couldn't get them to look good. And so I scrubbed two weeks of work, rags, brushes, stain, money, and heart and couldn't even finish that. It was over; I would have to install them as is, to stare at me and taunt my disgrace with their ugliness, and tease me about how I'd have to spend a pile more money to have someone do it properly in the summer. Sherry called me to see how I was doing and I could barely talk. So I packed it in, my fingers aching and my morale shattered. I came in and showered and came to bed. Sherry remarked that I had a frustrating day, and I still couldn't talk. She said she had a frustrating day too. We could be frustrated together. But she didn't look frustrated. She looked very powerfully willing me to strongly know how much she loved me. She kissed me to underscore this, and said, "God's grace is sufficient for you." I tried to ask what happened to her. She told me about how her back was miserable. But still she looked at me with love. So I went to sleep crying, but it was very different from the crying in the garage.

Today had its share of setbacks. The hardware was wrong on one of the doors, so I had to drive to the NE to replace them, but at least they had the replacements in stock. I realized that the doors needed to have gains chiseled into them for the hardware, and I hadn't allowed time for this, and didn't even have a set of chisels. After I got the chisels, and started working on the doors, I realized the finish of the hinges didn't match the nicer finish of the hardware, and it looked stupid. The hardware came with better parts than some of the default stuff the door came with (and would thus match the hardware), but it wouldn't work because of how the jamb had been cut into for the default parts. While chiseling the gains, the fiberglass chipped away in an ugly fashion.

And none of this really phased me.

God's grace is sufficient for me.

I haven't spent a lot of time mulling over what that means, but I can feel it.

We had friends bring us over dinner and share it with us - yes, really - and one of our friends was telling us about a dream she'd had where their family had a blog recounting how they wasted time. Instead of choosing the two popular approaches of either being a workaholic, or zoning out and doing something mindless, what else can you do with wasted time?

I wasted time failing. It won't be the last. Still, God's grace is sufficient for me.

Bonus
On Sunday, a question was posed: Have you ever asked godly people for criticism?
The background was that godly people are one of five basic ways to hear God speaking - but when do we ask for it?
It resparked a thought that had arisen earlier. I lost a considerable amount of money in an investment that ended up being a ponzi scheme, after reading an investment book (that in fairness, would have frowned on this), having a meeting with three financial advisors (I liked one of them better than the one I went with), and calling three people to ask about their experience with the advisor I did go with (they didn't have anything bad to say). Why? Because Sherry and I prayed about it, and that's where I felt like God was leading. Why didn't I call three people and ask them to pray about it with us? Or even, yes, ask for criticism? Might it have come up that way if I'd been thinking better? Actually Nolan, no, this is a bad idea - you should pray about it some more.
I don't know, but I am open to criticism, and hope I'll remember to start asking for it.

A Scream

2011-02-09T18:41:00.004-07:00

I don't have time for any wisdom, or light-heartedness, but right now my soul is a bit crushed from foolish ambitions run afoul. From spending all day removing stain from just the sidelight of the front door with two doors remaining. Yes, if I stay up until midnight, maybe I'll be back to square one, well not quite - It's not as nice as square one. But back at square one the first I was full of hope and dreaming of art, but with no where near the skill or experience to be screwing around with art, especially with so much other work to do and a pressing deadline. Yes, an utter fool, and it hurts. Perhaps this break and admission will save my garage from more angry swearing.

What happens when your favourite colour changes?

2011-02-01T20:47:00.005-07:00

For the past week, I have been working on house plants, using the top of the kitchen table. We have had problems with the never-ending nuisance of gnats, or fruit flies, or whatever the tiny flying bugs are that won't give up and perish completely. So I purchased some sand and placed a layer on the top of all of the house plants. This is supposed to prevent the pesky insects from making soil their base of operations. While doing this I decided to upgrade the housing for a few plants who had outgrown their pots. I should mention at this point that I am a certified horticultural aficionado, and my reasoning is above reproach when deciding such things. How dare you even question my intuitive plant-care genius. Of course you can repot in the middle of winter.

This morning I decided to clean up the mess, but wait, I still have one empty pot, and that green plant over there looks like it needs a larger pot (especially since Sherry said it didn't). The empty pot wasn't any larger, but I could split the plant and it would effectively double the available soil. Daniel was around and informed me that when he had previously tried to pierce the dirt with his soil sensor, it was like trying to lance granite. Yes, yes, the doctor of all things growing realizes that it must be terribly root-bound and desperate for a change in abode.

I'll just grab this butter knife and stab around in the soil a great deal - to loosen things up. It's still stuck! I'll have to saw through the roots here and stab around some more around the perimeter, there we go. Good heavens, what kind of plant is this? These roots look like a freakish mix of potato tentacles and carrots. But it's such a small little grassy plant. What is it doing with all these roots! It will never fit in these two pots. Its needs are far more excessive than I'd imagined. So to Walmart I go to thriftily save my surgeoned friend.

Walmart is conveniently next to Rona in the South. Rona conveniently has a garden centre. I conveniently have 3 very small pots that would be remiss if I didn't find them tenants. I'll just check to grab a few interesting specimens to add to my oxygen amassing force. What's this, a giant truckload sale! Just look at all these giant plants, all so cheap! But I must have them! I decided to speak to a very knowledgeable staff member (she knew more than I did!), who enlightened me about things like how when I replanted my cacti in a tall pot I was an idiot because cactus roots stay shallow - and yes it is apparently stupid to repot anything in the middle of winter (not to mention my terribly claustrophobic flowering grass plant was probably happy to have such small conditions). But is she smart enough to go to Walmart to save a few dollars on pots? I don't know, I didn't feel it an appropriate subject to bring up. But I did do just that. Since the pots, and the plants were so cheap, I picked up the 3 mini plants to fill my mini pots, my two larger pots for the cause of this whole trip, plus 5 other plants, because well, they're green.

Even though I had to proceed to setting a record for the most time spent trying to checkout of a store ever, my mood wasn't dampened. It was also exciting to try and fit all those plants into the cab of my truck with me (they look MUCH bigger when they're wrapped in paper). I was just glad I could still see my side mirror and do shoulder checks if I looked at very specific angles. I got home and made my mess on the kitchen table worse. I didn't finish them all before needing to rush off to meet Sherry for the Mid-wife appointment. But you know what? Even though I thought Sherry would be a little peeved that I was spending time and money on my distracting addiction instead of working on our home renos, she smiled at me and was supportive (and explained that the grassy thing is a spider plant). There have been many moments like that. It's like she read in a book somewhere that one of the many secrets to confusing your husband and having a great marriage is to roll with his illogical moments and love him anyway. I try to return the favour.

I finished repotting the new plants when we got home and cleaned up the table at last while Sherry made a most delicious beef broccoli & boc choy stir-fry. Then I remembered that someone asked me what my favourite colour was yesterday, and I suddenly became unsure of something that has been unchanging since as long as I can remember. Somewhere, somehow, someway, sometime, something metamorphosed. So my blog changed colour schemes to celebrate the accurate me. Green is the new blue. Plants are the new candy. Children are so attracted to sweets, but me, I grow more and more unimpressed by sugar. But get me into a greenhouse and I want it all.

Look it's distraction, or was it self-preservation?

2011-01-11T21:17:00.009-07:00

Today, I started strong. I got a fire going again and immediately went to work on taking measurements for my problematic bay window. It was created wrong, and VERY thankfully seems like it will be recreated. Then I enjoyed some toasted open face mexican salmon sandwiches. Instead of going to get more wood screws (which has been put off at least three days now), I allowed myself to get distracted after this and set out to search out a whimsy I'd had while visiting Sherry's Aunt & Uncle. HerUncle had poured washed pebbles for his bathroom floor and then filled the gaps/coated them with epoxy and it was kind of cool. It somehow reminded me of being in Costa Rica and visiting a hot springs spa where all the pools were madewith lava rock. It seems like it should be inhospitable tostand on, but isn't. So I did a little investigating online into whether I could build a bathtub like this. It turns out you can, but it is not recommended. First you should be very experienced in tile-setting and second even then it is challenging, time-consuming, relatively costly and requires perfection of the many water-proofing details. Probably an idea not to pursue. So instead I looked at Japanese wooden tubs which are beautiful and artistic and also very costly - except for a note on one website that recommended, "or find a trusted, very experienced carpenter to build one for you." This shouldn't have encouraged me as I am not very experienced in fine carpentry but come on, I can't build a box? A box that needs 16 coats of finish to make it waterproof, but still. Reminders ran through my mind several times during this lapse of fancy, that I am not renovating my bathroom right now, but I didn't listen, until 2:00.

It was crunch time and I needed to see some production out of myself before Sherry's first Christmas present date. So I opted for the no-screws-required kitchen window, and treated myself to music via ipod whilst doing it (and passersby to singing). The very creative renovators who redid our kitchen before it was our kitchen decided that the window didn't need superlative trim - it needed cabinets built right to the edge of the glass and backsplash tile likewise on the bottom. All mostly fine and dandy, until I replace the window. Lucky for me I'm also very creative and realized, oh I can just reduce the window size and remedy this problem, after I'd already ordered the window the same size as the original. So the new remedy became everyone loves windows that are flush with cabinets and haveno trim and let's just knock that row of tiles right off. Who needs insulation on the sides of windows when some crazy person is adding 6" of rigid foam on top of this anyway?

I didn't let any of this phase me by the way, I didn't even care because what could I do about it now? I was also distracted by the fact that my fingers were going numb and I was only half-way through this little task. 3/4 of the way through my fingers were screaming at me. The last nail bent and received a severe tongue-lashing because it delayed me getting back inside the house to my fire where my hands would take 15 minutes to mostly thaw out. Back at the half-way point I was still thinking happy thoughts like - it's OK Nolan keep going, think of friends who need prayer, pressing through difficult things is a good way to pray for others to do the same. The last quarter brought me back to animalistic memories of being at work and being so cold that my mind begins to flip out and hate me for even existing. Are there El-Paca gloves with some sort of protective shell that still give your fingers great dexterity? No there are not, which is an ancient sign from God that unless you're already an Eskimo, you shouldn't try to become one.

Thank you Jesus for thinking of me when you asked me to stay and keep framing even though I knew what I was getting myself into starting my first day in a blizzard and going home early because it was close to minus 30. I'm sorry that Kyle & Terry don't know you yet, or really, any of the other guys I worked with in the last six years. That's why I stayed. I'm sorry I'm not super-Christian yet. I really want to leave and not frame anymore, and I don't feel like I need to. I know I listen less than I used to but need to do some more of that before concluding anything.

I'm glad I got to do something that challenged me, and let me be outside and tactile. I'm glad I got to meet some great people you love. I'm glad that you still think of me and will ask more things.

Thinking Alone In The Best (Sunniest) Room In The House

2011-01-01T15:52:00.002-07:00

I have been in BC since Boxing (Sun)day, and yesterday Sherry and I drove to Walmart to pick up some things for her Mom and then to stop in and visit her Aunt&Uncle. But I was grumpy. I was glad to get out of the house and see some sunshine, but I was still inside a car, and then dreadfully, in a Walmart. Stores are obnoxious. Later, while we were visiting, her Aunt asked if I was going crazy yet from not doing anything, and I said yes. She smiled and said that's how Sherry's Uncle gets when they're on holidays, and really how he's been the past two years dealing with shoulder injuries. Yes I like doing things. Even though there are a lot of things that could be done around the house here, I feel like there are more pressing personal things that need addressed. But they're not being addressed. And I don't like them floating around.

We've thought of moving here for a year. Come out while Sherry's on maternity, and see more of her family. And my feelings aren't easily described regarding those thoughts. There are those pesky practical details like a home we own that has mortgage payments, and would my sister and her husband stay there? Would they be lonely on their own? I might be lonely if they were on their own. If we come out here what will that mean for work? I'd have to find something temporary back in Calgary after school for a few months until we came out, and then I'd have to find something temporary here. Temporary things don't usually pay very well, and there are those aforementioned pesky practical details. But who knows? I could end up with the best job of my life.

I have always lived in Calgary. The longest I've left is two months. Even though I enjoy travelling, and new places, residing is completely different. Residing anywhere will be completely different come June with the addition of a baby. But why only change that when you can pack up and move to the other side of the mountains too. What will that feel like to leave family and friends, work, church, and even a little bit of culture behind?

"I'll sail away, I'll sail away, forever and forever." It's an Ace Troubleshooter song line that has been floating through my head this week, reminding me of a prophecy that had me curious about this question before I even started dating Sherry.
A picture of an exploratory voyage. Except that the concept was music. I would have to sail away and leave, like an explorer to find my own sound. Music. Playing music is a forgotten fog.
More than that though, I know faith is known for uprooting people. Sherry even has friends in BC, and it would be nice to see them more except that they are leaving too. A family of six off to become missionaries in Africa, and Pam perhaps to school in California.
I suspect it's the uprooting I don't like the thought of. I can deal with change. Quickly in fact. Very soon it feels routine. But it's the temporary nature that is so unsettling. When you are dating, you have to try and make things happen, you have to woe. While you do this you must be fearless or you will fail. You won't be yourself, you will be false if you lack confidence. It's tricky though because you love, and cherish, and the thought of loss is frightening. If you make it through, marriage is a beautiful thing, because you have committed to each other and there is no longer even a question of loss by rejection (in my world) - and it becomes simpler to be free as yourself, even though you no longer live for yourself.
Places are like that too. If you know you will be, or might be leaving, you lose the moment. You're looking ahead, you're already disengaging. When we had the 'urban monastery' house of nine people together, I had a much harder time with the second year than the first. It seemed backwards. The first year was strange and such a steep learning curve of a challenge for getting along with all these other people and completely changing the way you get up and make it through your day. Trial and error, pain and failure, disappointment or not, I pressed on, and loved it, because we succeeded in the moments and there was joy. In the second year, so many had plans for moving on, and the moments disappeared.
How do you move somewhere if you know you'll be leaving soon? What meaning will all of the painful adjusting have if you are already planning to go again?
How can you even have trust?
I want to move in, and I will feel the need to change my environment. Clutter and darkness be damned. I want space and colour and light. I want fresh air from living plants, not cigarette smoke. I want to cook in the kitchen without worrying about waking someone sleeping in the chair across from me or looking at a television that thinks it should never be turned off. I want to cook things my way, if I'm the one cooking, not how you like to do it, and I don't want to eat your cooking if you're going to use ingredients I don't like.
Which is fine, I can kill all of this selfishness and work things out, if we can trust each other. But if I'm coming into their home, their territory, and want to make any changes. Changes have cost, have consequences. And how can those be welcomed if we will leave them in the end.
Even more frightening - how do we leave them in the end? How do you choose where to live? Because there will be that question. Why go back? Why are you leaving us?
Well...
Um...
My family is there.
But Sherry's family is here.
How do you decide which family your children will grow up being around. (Which leads me to another tangent about how you take the family you're closest to for granted and make more deliberate effort to spend time with the family you don't live near and only see occasionally).
I've thought about the question of place before and always thought - I don't move flippantly. If I have no reason to move, then why? If God asked me to. That's why. That would be a good reason to choose.
I've got two months to do home renos, and if I'm lucky, I'll finish early and get to spend some time in prayer and fasting, like six years ago.

Becoming

2010-11-13T19:26:00.002-07:00

Becoming a gardener: I sometimes water my plants once a week, and I try to fill the watering can with water a day before so the fluoride/chlorine/etc can off-gas. I'm not growing anything. But I do have a mountain of peat-moss waiting to go into yet-to-be-built raised garden beds, and aspirations of getting a couple of truckloads of cheap mushroom manure. Spring will come only too soon.

Becoming strong: I did go rock-climbing with Sherry, Ian and Zachary once this fall, in the rain no less. And I went running, yes actual running where your lungs ignite, with Jason once. It was followed by four very long sets of planks (yes I'm as strong as my girls' soccer team workout training goal from 8 years ago!) and some drop-dead from exhaustion really quick faux-cycling ab decimation. Oh right but that was just once.

Remembering how to pray: Failing marvelously. I read Too Busy Not To Pray by [Bill Hybels perhaps?], back in the summer and listened to a number of good sermons by Billings Vineyard. Anyway, both inspired and assisted me in praying more, for a little while... Having my Mom decline with cancer was also motivating to pray, even having her die led me to step out in praying for her to rise from the dead with more faith than I have ever had before. She didn't rise though, but that's not why my praying has dropped off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm 'too busy'. Let's come back to this later.

Listening for and to God each day: As marvelous as above.

Becoming handy, creative and constructive: I was contemplating life while driving home late a few weeks ago after a Cohousing meeting and I decided that I am addicted to complexity. This addiction has gotten me into debt, both literally, and in amounts of obligatory work I am buried beneath. I am painfully, and expensively, and slowly gaining skill and experience, probably depression more than confidence, and my artistic envisioning side is bruised but very alive. A better approach might have been to switch careers and learn these things with other people, while getting paid, but that was taking too long and would have been too easy, which wouldn't allow me to indulge in my addiction.

Being social: Not enough to feel alive. I still say yes to things, because otherwise I might disappear, so I went to Connor's birthday party, and went to our neighbour's son's birthday party, and a coming home party for our neighbour's parents. But it's probably a bad sign when I start thinking things like, what's the big deal with death any way? So many people in my life might as well be dead for how much I see them (do you see the selfish patterns of the world revolving around me in this thought?) I still measure friends by how many phone calls and subsequent visits I get, and that means I have close to none. Instead of calling people on my own, I put in 9-10 hour days at school trying for perfection, come home and deal with home renos badly in the no-remaining daylight and cold, and try to pitch in with cooking, or at least making breakfast plus smoothies for my pregnant wife. How could my artistic side ever wane when God does awesome art like babies inside women?

Scripture speaking: It has. It's just hard to remember because my Mom died one month ago today, and it's been quiet since.

I remember telling Sherry and Andy that it was incredible how much support our family had with my Mom. But I remember last year when Trevor's Mom died, I just called him and came over to be there. So I helped sort through photos for a slideshow and got to give Trevor a hug of course. I got lots of emails saying, if you need anything let us know. Which is nice, but not what I needed. I needed people calling and coming over. So Andy took me out mini-golfing and bought me lunch. Nice huh? At my Mom's funeral, after the service, the family walked around the building to avoid the crowds and had first dibs at the snacks, which is all very perfunctory but I skipped the snacks and went straight back for the crowds, and skipped hand shakes and gave everyone hugs.

With renos practically going backwards and no offers of help except from my Dad now and then, I feel like quitting Cohousing, which feels like betrayal to me. I don't have time or energy for it now, but I like those people and Cohousing itself is a solution for so much of what's wrong with me right now.

I'm wait-listed for back-to-back school terms. I'm 5th in line and apparently that means I have a reasonable chance of getting in as a result of people over-spending during Christmas and dropping out to work it off. I'm not sure I necessarily care either way. If I can find some work doing finishing for those two months I'd make some money and learn something new and have a bit of a schedule switch which is always refreshing.

OK back to work. I must go cut a hole in my ceiling so that I can access the piping to my hose-bib (outdoor faucet), which while extending to prep for adding the foam, I snapped off. So stupid. My Dad called a plumber who he used to work with at Nortel who said he'd come by and look at it if I cut a hole in my ceiling. I had to snap it off though. Otherwise it would have been less complicated. I just can't get enough.

What do I want to become

2010-03-05T19:51:00.002-07:00

So, my friend Kirk brought up that our house church could actually start to progress with some of the ideas we had started to throw around about church. Right...

House church has been kind of drifting too (I had a picture of our church with a line from a Matt Good song: "I'm just a boat on the ocean, I'm just a ship lost at sea." with the missing, "wind of the spirit fill the sails of my soul, send us on Lord."

My craving, as far as learning at church goes, is to pick a few things, say four each year, and go deep with them. Come at them from different angles. And please spare me weekly, or even biweekly long lectures. They don't teach me, they asleep me. I need interaction, and most importantly I need action. It needs to become practical quickly. And then we need to practice. And practice some more. And keep practicing until it's normal. Until it's routine. Until it's unstoppable and won't fade away.

And so I put this idea forward to our house church and Kirk took it and actually came up with some very personal, and fantastic, and inspiring options for growth. I got excited. What do I want to become?

I want to become a gardener. I want to grow vegetables, and herbs, and berries, and trees. I want to play in the dirt.

I want to become strong. I want to run and climb, and jump, and hike, and bike, balance and stretch.

I want to remember how to pray all day. I want to take celtic prayers (a prayer for each activity). I want to become prayerful.

I want to listen for and to God each day. I want to overcome fear of silence, and getting it jumbled and wrong, and ignoring him. I want to become prophetic.

I want to become handy, creative, and constructive. I want to tackle house projects and renos. I want to gain skills and experience, and confidence, and art.

I want to remember how to be a friend to more than just one. I want to save my poor extroverted spirit who shrivels trying to become all these other things alone.

I want to remember that scripture can be alive. I want it to speak to everything I become.

Guacamole, Daylight & Friends: Pleasure

2010-01-30T22:57:00.003-07:00

Sherry's "finishing her chapter" before we go to bed (there must be only two chapters in that book). So I hopped on the computer to read Faye's blog I noticed her working on the other day. There were in fact two posts. I also read Rachel's, and now I feel compelled to write my own.

I suppose a lot has changed since I was house shopping with Sherry last year. I don't know how much time I have to write this blog; Sherry could, after all, decide to get tired and not finish the book, I mean chapter. So what to include? Let me start with now and work backwards.

Right now, I just finished working on a Roof Material Estimating Calculations module. I'm in my 2nd year Carpentry apprenticeship 8 weeks of school. I just finished week 4. In 4 weeks I must return to work. Return to what work? Well, I'll probably go back to framing with Kyle - well probably not directly any more. I'll be running a crew now. Is this exciting news? Well, not really. In many ways it's disappointing. I'm still framing. It feels like the necessary denouement to my framing career. I've 'run things' while Kyle's been on vacation. But now it will be running things all the time. It scares me, because there are often bad things that arise while framing, and they are stressful to work around. You encounter other people's mistakes and have to compensate. You make mistakes and have to fix them. Your crew makes mistakes and you have to have them fix them. These sorts of things happen all too often and steal all the fun out of work. Then comes the complicated problem-solving opportunities that I always seem to take too much time thinking through. Mainly they go something like:

1. Don't screw this up like that other time Nolan

2. Hmm what if I did it like this?

3. But what about...

4. Agh this is taking too long and I'll screw it up even after all this deliberation - just do it!

Yes, often those were all vocalized - just to make sure I look crazy.

Then comes the tools-not-working setbacks and the weather wreaking havoc.

And it becomes oh so difficult to focus with all the mental multi-tasking of directing and teaching other people and trying to coordinate tasks efficiently, while making sure we have the right materials.

So, can I do it?

God I hope so. If only until November.

It will be good, it will be another step in 'growing up'.

Growing up, by the way, has come to mean attaining the right to say, "yes I can do that."

To honestly say those words, usually involves having struggled to learn how to do that once already, and succeeded.

Back to the disappointing part. I don't feel very fulfilled building houses that don't measure up to the potential I've discovered they can be. I'm not saying I only want to build million dollar houses. I'm saying I want to build sustainably. Sadly I will be working on Sable houses. Maybe that's necessary. Maybe it's better this way. It might be good to learn how to run a crew while working on quick and easy cookie cutters. In the future, when the economy picks up and Builders are looking for crews, I can slide over to working with a Jayman or an Avalon on Built Green houses. But that doesn't seem likely. I have fingers that have degenerated into miserable imposters for Canadian-raised appendages. I can't frame in the winter.

That's not a bad thing, because there are so many other pieces to building a house that I want to learn. Owning a house has only accelerated that need. Everywhere I look I now wish I could say, "I can do that."

If I didn't have quite so loyal a personality, I would just go find jobs in all the various trades for 3 months to get a basic understanding of each. Except that even if my loyalty didn't suck me into 6 year stretches, my quest for excellence in craft would.

Home renovations are intimidating. We have a tight budget (even if we didn't I'd still be shrewd and forever looking for more bang for my buck) and I have lofty ambitions. This generates the "all labour by me" factor in the equation. Which you might connect from the long ramble before this, will translate into stress as I fumble my way through the learning curve, and a gigantic magnet for the sucker in me who wants to find out how to excavate down to the footing, cut holes into the foundation, throw 4-7" of EPS foam on the exterior, enclose the chimney piping, move, expand, create, and replace windows and doors, complete with drywall and casing work, remove, trim and reattach soffit, install Hardi-plank siding, have an HRV system installed, finish the ceiling and top rim of a shower, install insulation stops in the roof, add more ceiling insulation, redo attic accesses that will properly seal air tight, build terraced window wells, engage in faux-painting techniques and finish in time to get busy on the yard work I have planned: Plant a few trees, build raised garden beds, and an elaborate garden. Then I'll rest up until I feel the need to frame in a closet in the bedroom downstairs and install cork flooring in the basement and the upper bedrooms, and pour a stamped concrete patio in the back, with a stone wall maybe.

So, call me slightly ambitious, or stupid.

I continue to get more and more complicated with my eating and cooking habits. I'm slightly ambitious in my quest for delicious and healthy food too. I'll save you the list though.

I've left behind past ambitions. I haven't gone skiing once yet, and haven't made any plans to do so. I haven't been climbing in almost a year. I never started dance lessons. I've lost old disciplines. I don't work out. I don't read the bible. No lectio divinas.

My Mom has cancer, and before Christmas I'd cry every day and pray for her. 2010, it's almost set into being normal, but every few days it will still hit me. My goal is to see her once a week, and even that feels weak.

Most of the time it feels like I'm trying my best. I still look for and appreciate wonderful things. Guacamole, daylight, an evening with friends. I'm quite sure it's those beautiful tastes, sights, and connections that keep life abundant. God deserves a lot of thanks. Sometimes I remember how it's easier than I think to be close to him. Other times all I can find is how hard it is to pin him down on demand.

His love is unfailing, and mine is persevering.

Shopping, But What Do We Need?

2009-06-24T21:21:00.004-06:00

So Sherry and I have begun house shopping with our excellent realtor, Mark Horch. Our search area is pretty broad: South of the Bow River, East of Sarcee Trail, North of Fish Creek Park, and West of Barlowe Trail. Our price range narrows down the physical area; I have yet to see anything come up in Mission for example. Riverbend was a pleasant surprise as a focus community, it's beautiful, green, super close to Sherry's work, and the river/Carburn park, and you get really good value for your money. Other surprise areas I didn't guess I would be seriously considering are Deer Run and Woodbine.

So we've looked at hundreds of listings online, and gone out to see a dozen with more lined up. And while yes, we can easily say, oh they're asking way too much for this, or wow, who let these plans get passed? We don't really know what we're looking for. We don't know who will be living with us. How many bedrooms do we need? Should we be looking for something we can suite? How much can we really afford? (especially if we want to dress it up). Strange questions and yet I still think God will let us know which house to get. And though I've very soberly thought it would be so much easier to be renting and saving for the next couple of years, I have no peace that it's the thing to do.

In other news, tomorrow will be day 4 off of work due to my back/neck being scrunched Friday. The awesome Dr. Nardella will be attacking me tomorrow again (my poor, poor abused body). But no one heard me ask for a nice chiropractor, I just want results! (he is nice anyway, he's just aggressive)

Research Projects

2009-03-05T08:04:00.002-07:00

So, aside from Rock Climbing, I've been occupied with a few research projects lately.
I was in Chapters a few weeks ago with Sherry and came across a book entitled, How Jesus Became Christian, by Barrie Wilson. I opened it up and read a little bit. It seemed very controversial, and I wanted to read it. So we looked it up at the Calgary Public Library, and sure enough they had it. I looked for a couple of other books along the same lines from different viewpoints to balance things and found What Have They Done With Jesus? by Ben Witherington III and Lee Strobel's The Case For The Real Jesus.
Due to a house start delay and two especially cold days. I had a few days off work with which to get a giant head start on the reading. I was doing complimentary reading on the side with various biblical passages and looking into sources. And the first book got to me. As an aside, the writing style is irritating. The book could have been a third or less of its size if he didn't repeat himself endlessly, often quoting himself verbatim from previous chapters. But how would the book look impressive enough to be worth selling if it was a quarter of its size?
I was also irritated by his fixation on anti-semitism (what is semitism you might ask? Dicitionary.com gives us "Of, relating to, or constituting a subgroup of the Afro-Asiatic language group that includes Arabic, Hebrew, Amharic, and Aramaic." But some Nazi-influencing writer used it in contrast to aryan groups and now the only time you'll hear semitic is following anti and always specifically designating Jewish racial prejudice).
I'm sure historically anti-semitism has been an issue within purportedly Christian groups. Otherwise why would the media hype on it so much? But it just seems ridiculously stupid to me. Why would you hate the culture your God specifically honours? The people that your God chose to become human within? The race that founded your religion?
So very very ignorant, and perhaps this was pertinent back in medieval times when common people were exploited by some politically bent, power-mongering educated elitists. But come on? Do you really need to sell this to Chapters' readers?
That's not what got to me though.

His theory is that Jesus was a very Torah (Jewish Law)-abiding rabbi. That his true followers didn't think he was anything but a man, albeit an anti-Roman man, who was resurrected after his crucifixion, and now was waiting for the opportune time to return and create peace on earth. And that Paul was bored or demented and decided to invent a religion for non-Jewish people who thought Jewish people were cool, that would be more similar to some Hellenized religions (Hellenized, as in the virulent Greek-Roman culture). This religion was popular (even though it led to horrific persecution) until a Caesar made it the state religion, and then it became truly predominant and they snuffed out Jesus' true followers. But because it's more distinguished to be an ancient religion, they wrote the fictitious book of Acts to tie themselves to Judaism, and then hate Judaism.

It's all very nice to have a more objective perspective on the book now, but whilst reading it, I think I doubted my faith for the first time in my entire life. What would I do if Christianity's beliefs were all based on one man's mystical experience that didn't match up with the person in the vision?
Would I convert to Judaism like the author? Why? Then it would all be based on other people's mystical experiences.
How would I rediscover Truth?
My entire life, since early childhood I've believed in and interacted with God in very dynamic, and personal ways. So why would I suddenly doubt my entire life? I think it's because I value truth, whether I like it or not.

So it has been very interesting to find out how biased and often very unreliable his sources are. It has been very refreshing to go through the second book which while countering the first book in many ways quite successfully, also has brought many additional new things to light.
Right now though I don't want to go on at any length since I haven't finished, but I'm satisfyingly learning.

Sherry and I have also been poking about in the world of autonomous and sustainable housing.
I build houses for a living and it was of great comfort to recently discover that framing is still important in the construction of eco-houses. We went to visit ASH Inc. 's public tour of their house-office last Saturday and it was exciting. For one thing, their website is far outdated and thus there were lots of new and fresh innovations and developments. But mostly it was exciting because our dream is so tangible and attainable, in a sooner than later kind of way.
What we would like to see is a Co-op Housing development created with this kind of building approach. So now we must look into Co-op Housing into much greater detail (lucky for us we have friends involved in one), while continuing to do research into the building side, to figure out the specific steps of action we must take.

The last field of research which I will include to show my failures, is personal investing and finances. I'm still in the everlong spot of lots of intention and several points of trying to instigate, but nothing has yet materialized in any sort of real beginning.

The Deadliest Of Creatures By My Bed

2009-02-26T17:43:00.007-07:00

Sherry found a Venus' Fly Trap on sale at Rona last week when we were shopping and we got it.
When we first stepped into the garden centre, I was in love. It was bright and green. The air was humid, fresh and powerful. There were a myriad of beautiful living artworks. Thus I exited a proud and determined father of a plant (smugly still not possessing any pets). The instructions seemed simple enough. I would dedicatedly care for this wonder. In return it would smite my great nemesis, Mr. Fruit Fly.
Then I got home and looked them up on the internet and found some of the funniest written material I've come across in a long time:
The International Carnivorous Plant Society
Brilliant! Except I was doomed...
Venus' Fly Traps are ridiculously finicky and very high maintenance. What a fantastic first choice Nolan.
And yet I have prevailed on my quest. I went and bought a water filtration system at Community Natural Foods (my boss got it a couple of months ago). I had been considering it for awhile but regular city tap water just isn't good enough for my plant. No chlorinated fluoridated sewage for its likings.
I also bought Sprite Zero. Who would have guessed plants need artificially sweetened carbonated beverages? Well they don't. They just need a cheap terrarium, courtesy of a bottle whose bottom has been cleaved off.
Next I bought a lamp, a very stylish lamp from Wal-Mart I might add, paired with the oh-so-economical 13watt compact fluorescent bulb pumping out over 800 lumen (which I pimped out with brightness-increasing internally-reflective foil). That was not enough though. I had to carefully construct a 4 sided box from a nacho chip box and aluminum foil. Originally I had planned to make its home my bathroom; I decided against such things when I realized how annoying having an extension cord going across the counter and haphazardly balancing the appartment on my bath tub would be.
So now it gets to live on my bedroom window sill right above a heat register. With the timer for plugging my car in being used to ignite the light after the sun abandons the windowed west-facing wall at noon.
No it's not the $300 fish tanked wonder environment the website boasts, but my plant may just survive. At least it's lived long enough for me to feed it all the dead fruit flys collected off the other window sills.

The Night Before Snow Flies

2008-11-03T21:44:00.002-07:00

Everything is different while life moves on in similar ways.

I still have to cook dinner once a week, but now I do it on the same day of each week, I needn't prepare as much food, and I often eat with just Sherry and possibly Faye.

I still frame houses, but now there is less security than ever of having another house to succeed the present one, and I travel further away to build them. I also carpool with Sherry, which is warm and fuzzy. I still endeavour quite naturally to pray for and love my coworkers, but again there is another beyond the first.

I played with another band that sparked a little bit of drive but lacked members of commitment.

I've read more books to challenge my thinking and ways of life, and excitedly retold stories of their ideas, and with two I've been able to share the telling with Sherry, and that has been delightful.

I've purchased, and listened to more music. As always, some of it has proven more impulsive than wise, and others are phenomenal - dulling their peers and predecessors.

I've hung out with family and friends. Friends are probably seen more seldom than ever, but always prove fond with sight or sound - oh I love laughter.

I've made to-do lists that never get finished, but at least a couple of things on each assure me I'm not entirely lazy or useless.

I've been relaxed, and enamoured, and let my hair get too long.

My car is still running, while its doors fall to pieces.

I get more sleep than ever, but don't have the same energy as before.

Each day seems to suggest that the world is full of pressing crisis, the most prominent being my lack of adequately addressing them. And each day seems to contain a great deal of beauty and joy that suggests crisis can't overcome. But perhaps that's because the crisis hurts others more than me.

Thank God he speaks, saves, counsels and loves more than me.

August Almond Coconut Coffecake

2008-08-06T18:53:00.003-06:00

So I would have finished with a splash and the cake but the image uploader is undergoing internal errors. We had a UM BBQ last night, complete with pictures which I suppose I could also post off my camera but first I should get some post-processing software which I can compress them with so they upload in a blink and second I should actually look into something like flickr to post lots of pictures. I'm not despondent anymore. You probably know me well enough to realize it can't stick very long. We looked at a fantastic house to rent last night too and are praying that we are the blessed chosen ones to receive it. Today when I arrived at work I found that the lock was not secured properly on the trailer, for five days. Holy Cow! No... Actually as I recall, I specifically prayed over the site and the trailer before I left Thursday and it would be Holy Jesus who protected it. I love him.

Life seems different. I've been practicing music again. It's painful how bad I've become, but it's so satisfeche to be playing. Which is what I should be doing right now. Learning Smashing Pumpkins and Stone Temple Pilots, Metallica and Bush - yes Greg is obsessed with the 90s. The rest of the summer will fly by - Sherry's parents' 35th wedding anniversary, my cousin's wedding, our friends' wedding, not to mention packing. I haven't been out climing once (though I did get to go backpacking twice - hooray)! Of course I still haven't seen several friends since our wedding (or earlier...) either! But with lots of work, and the usual commitments of volunteering at JLYS and now band practice once a week - just spending time with Sherry, my housemates and family takes a lot.

It's been good to focus lately on the concept from the 4-faced creature out of Revelations that all creation worships God when it does what it was created to do. Humans have the unique priviledge of adding to that: articulation through artistic expression. Which is why I must start practicing music again. Good night and God bless!

I Need Someone Else's Optimism

2008-07-06T22:13:00.004-06:00

A lot has happened since I last wrote and greater things deserve to be written about than what will be. I'm grumpy. There's a lot beneath that, but I'll try to stay on today's source of agitation. Our lease is up at the end of August, and the fall will look very different. I remember last summer's doom and gloom discussions and Angela being so bright-side and encouraging. I needed that. I probably need a whole lot of those this summer. Dear Jesus help.

The Clouds Are Getting Ominous - Pray about this please

2008-03-14T22:57:00.006-06:00

Joshua3:5And Joshua said to the people, Sanctify yourselves [that is, separate yourselves for a special holy purpose], for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.

6Joshua said to the priests, Take up the ark of the covenant and pass over before the people. And they took it up and went on before the people.

7The Lord said to Joshua, This day I will begin to magnify you in the sight of all Israel, so they may know that as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.

8You shall command the priests who bear the ark of the covenant, When you come to the brink of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still in the Jordan.

^{Malachai 3:7}Even from the days of your fathers you have turned aside from My ordinances and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, How shall we return?

⁸Will a man rob or defraud God? Yet you rob and defraud Me. But you say, In what way do we rob or defraud You? [You have withheld your] tithes and offerings.

⁹You are cursed with the curse, for you are robbing Me, even this whole nation.^(C)

¹⁰Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.^(D)

¹¹And I will rebuke the devourer [insects and plagues] for your sakes and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground, neither shall your vine drop its fruit before the time in the field, says the Lord of hosts.

¹²And all nations shall call you happy and blessed, for you shall be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

Matthew 9:17

Neither is new wine put in old wineskins; for if it is, the skins burst and are torn in pieces, and the wine is spilled and the skins are ruined. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.

Mark 2:22

And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the wine will burst the skins, and the wine is lost and the bottles destroyed; but new wine is to be put in new (fresh) wineskins.

Luke 5:37-38

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the fresh wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled and the skins will be ruined (destroyed). But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins.

Ezekiel 11:19

And I will give them one heart [a new heart] and I will put a new spirit within them; and I will take the stony [unnaturally hardened] heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh [sensitive and responsive to the touch of their God]

Ezek 18:31; 36:26; II Cor 3:3

I am blessed in the storm

in the calm

in the everyday

My marriage is blessed and ordained by God

I must fight for it

I will be down

It's God holding me down

He's going to give me new skin

new legs

a new heart

a new body

I will be raised up with Sherry

Who will be my Philip? (who explained the scriptures to the Eunuch)

The Clouds Are Getting Ominous, So Very Ominous

But I won't get back on the bus. I'm starting to sense hints, even while writing this down.

Evelyn

2008-03-14T21:46:00.003-06:00

I love my family. Even if many of them won't be able to come to my wedding in two months, I will see lots of them over the next couple of days, except one.

I was driving to work this morning and thought of her and started crying. I was in the middle of bawling my eyes out, when I suddenly pictured my face and burst out laughing because Sherry doesn't believe me that I can 'sob' (even though she's been right beside me) as it appears very reserved, as far as crying goes I suppose. My face gets all scrunched up and my eyes burn and fill up with water and it gets hard to breathe. But I haven't sobbed yet, just moments of crying here and there - it will come.

Later on in the morning my Mom called to tell me that she'd passed away. I'd lost my grandmother.

This won't be the post to remember her. I want to wait until I get home. Perhaps Wednesday afternoon before JLYS.

Right now I'm enjoying the memory of her face. Her easy smile. Her beautiful laugh. Her troubled, "ohh." - almost more of a question.

I want to go be with family. I hope we get to hang around in living rooms and popcorn stories. That's far more appealing than ceremonies.

I'm grateful. For a number of things. I had very much wanted to write my grandparents a letter to send along with our wedding invitations, but the time came and life was hectic, and I deferred to - oh I can just send them a separate letter later. It's very sad that I can't write them

that letter. I don't feel pained about it though. I started singing at work, quite randomly - correction - quite led by the Holy Spirit (which has happened several times today and is in fact one of the 'number of things'), and cried:

"Sing a song of celebration

Lift up a shout of praise

For the bridegroom will come, the glorious one

And oh, we will look on his face

We'll go to a much better place

Dance will all your might

Lift up your hands and clap for joy

For the time's drawing near, when he will appear

And oh we will stand by his side

A strong pure spotless bride

Oh we will dance on the streets that are golden

The glorious bride and the great song of man

From every tongue and tribe and nation will join

In the song of of the lamb"

Just last week I was pondering the scripture, "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2) The word mansions. I think as a child the idea was that God is building you your mansion. That's ridiculous. You know what mansions are for? Lots of people together. It delighted me, as I am living in a community house and it thrills me. And some day, in heaven, I will wash dishes with Chasey for her and she'll be pleased and help us put things away and sing a little and tell us stories about how she picked up tangelos at the market. She won't mind that I didn't get her that last letter, because we have all eternity to chat and joke, garden and cook, and sneak smiles with Jesus at all the moments treasured.

A Rare Condition

2008-03-08T16:42:00.002-07:00

I've wanted to say this for a few weeks now, and now I wonder as to what it means.

I think that I'm satisfied in life right now. It's hard to say that when there are so many loose ends and more unresolved issues than I'm probably even aware of. There are of course many uncertainties about even the near future and its arrangements. People continue to ask me questions and bring up topics that remind me of what a fragile thing security is.

Yet I dare say that I enjoy my life. In contrast to so many other periods, I'm not fighting with confusion. I'm not 'doing my time' waiting for, well for life to begin. I'm already alive, and still believe the words that life is not a tragedy. And I, I am not a tragedy; not the sum of a variety of failures, incompletes, lates, inabilities, absences, indiscretions, and disappointments. No. I am loved by God. And he's contagious. It starts sticking, and shifting, and spinning out.

So pick 3 things Nolan...

Pick 3 things that you like about yourself - the evidence - with 3 instances.

And I don't want to.

God reminded me of something he said, which I didn't want to use because it doesn't seem very glamourous - it's not very servantish, rather self-concerned really. But all that aside,

I am a lover of music.

People frequently comment (Ryan did on Thursday and Friday) that I am always grooving/moving to the music (whether it's there externally or not). It's true. Very Calvin & Hobbesish but I love it, and it gets inside me.

Pursuant/Resolutionizer (leads you to think of it clearer than Resolver)

I don't leave things to themselves. I'll go after them; confront them.

[Actually I'm fading - too much writing & thinking - I'm just staring now - I've lost my train of thought and motivation - ironic huh?]

Sentimental Income Tax Break

2008-03-08T15:03:00.003-07:00

Well so far the worst day of the year hasn't been so bad. I slept in, had weird dreams, ate 3 bowls of cereal and listened to Travis (the band) while beginning sorting through my filing. For quite a while it has mildly irked me that my filing drawer is ridiculously over-stuffed. Today I started pulling out all kinds of files and folders that don't need to be kept anymore, such as my pay stubs from 1998. Actually I had a strange reaction to throwing those away - just the look of the paper brought back smells and sounds; faces and feelings.

And I pulled out the letters folder. I think I stopped putting more in after awhile because it was so full, yet this morning/afternoon I decided to read through them...

I always like a good dose of nostalgia so I don't even feel guilty about how much time has been spent without even highlighting gst values on receipts.

I had most, if not all, of Natalie's notes and letters in there. That was wild to read through. It's incredible how much writing can capture a person or a time. I've changed so much in the last seven years and it was stimulating to revisit the past.

Wow, what a time high school was. I was constantly tired and under pressure. I remember begging my Mom on a weekly basis if I could take even a short holiday from life - maybe a month or so but preferably a semester and then come back again. I was working part time, doing unending homework, hanging out with friends and dating. Very intriguing to look back at her letters and gain so many clues about what my letters probably contained. I was deeply introspective, philosophical, reflective - always digging, as opposed to Natalie's notes which were so fun and full of the moment, almost frantic with dreams that were probably fulfilled later but treated like they should happen now. She along with so many others challenged and sharpened and enlivened me, and got me into lots of trouble I probably didn't mind.

I just switched settings and songs on my itunes which reminded me of my newest trivial and daunting mission: I want to rip all of my music with FLAC or some other lossless encoder (and detailedly categorize it all and develop advanced smart playlists), and collect lots of fun hits to be used for the wedding, and really I'm starving for new music but realize that I can't really afford the time or money to go searching for something I will really appreciate - not that I have time for that other trivial mission - and I have large doubts as to whether it will be fulfilled.

OK back to something I want to write about:

I had several letters from Beth too which were cool but self-fulfilled with these words:

"Boys are only scary in that to invest in a guy is to risk a part of me. Girls are essentially emotional and the sharing of anything emotional is to give a part of herself. I feel confident with you because a lot of our talk is spiritual or intellectual, and because you've had a serious girlfriend in the course of our friendship and it didn't change too much. But most friendships with guys will probably change or die as they get married and we drift apart, so whatever part of me I've given them will go. And I'll have that much less to give the man I marry. Maybe it'll mean very little to him, but what goes on within is vital to me."

I met Beth at a River Roots (may long weekend camp) in high school and kept in touch by letter for years (actually, it might have started as a swap emails or whatever and pray for someone, which is exactly what we did). We had such surprisingly strikingly different views and beliefs and were always sparking debates, amidst relating personal happenings.

There were various other letters from friends and family including a couple I absolutely treasured from Faye which I feel like publishing:

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. Almost every time I go to pray for you I want to argue with God about your fast and tell him to make you stop. But every time I am refuted. I'm glad that you have this opportunity to suffer for a time. That is the weirdest sounding thing to say and no doubt if anyone else ever reads this letter they'll think you came from a very sadistic family, but I am glad for you. I'm glad that when it's over you'll always be able to look back and know that you chose God and that God is so worthy of that choice that you would do it all over again. I'm that that, perhaps for the first time in your life, you're learning to wait silently, without doing anything - I'm glad you'll have that experience too, even if it was only possible because your body was too weak to do much else. You have tried not to let too many people know that you are fasting because it is something between you and God alone and so I constantly remind myself that it isn't my place to tell anyone either. But for the people who do know, your actions are having a profound impact. I think of you as "the changeling" in my mind because as you passionately seek change in your self, you cause the people and systems around you to change as well. It just seems to be a unique charisma God gifted you with. I'm glad you use it for good instead of evil. :) I love you very much Nolan and I know God is going to bless you for your obedience to him in ways I will never be able to even imagine. "

The 'good instead of evil' reference made me laugh because I also read a letter from Steve which contained:

"Hopefully there'll be more interesting people in CompSci than in Engineering. That that the friends I made in Engg weren't nice but they're so not Nolanish. That don't have that Nolany characteristic about them And you know what? I even have to humble myself to you in this aspect. I alone am not strong enough to turn one, the way you turned Trevor. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. You are the emperor and poor little Trevor was Anakin. If anything, I'm like Vader minus the evil aspect of course. But you see, Vader wasn't strong enough to turn Luke over to the dark side. You are the king of corruption. If only I had an infectious robot to spread sarcasm and immature child-like behaviour all over campus. I would call it NolBot2002."

Another letter from Faye, written January 17th 2006 (the date is included because I want to go look for the referenced blog - not because I compulsively added dates and times to nearly all my letters):

"Dear Nolan,

Sorry this isn't a comment on your log - I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I just can't be bothered to remember what my epic password is. Probably something like "nopassword"...

Anyways, I wanted to tell you something about yourself: You're still my hero (even though you don't make cool motorcycle noises while you proudly bike around without having to sit on your bike seat! anymore).

Two weeks ago at Epic on Sunday, I sat beside Jen at church. She wouldn't come sit close beside me - she needed space to feel strong. I wished I could think of something to offer her in her grief over the loss of her mom, but the only thing that kept coming to mind was a passage from Captivating by John Eldrige, "After my father died, for weeks and months afterwards, the only thing that comforted me, that could heal me, was beauty."

I didn't know how to offer Jen beauty. Then you started dancing and playing with Conner on St. Paul's blessed slippery sloped wooden floors. I watched her watch you both. Conner kicked your shoe at you and she laughed. I asked if she wanted to move over so she could see better. She did. I offered her your beauty, the glory of God in your love of a child.

Going further back, a couple weeks after my birthday party, Caroline came up to me at Epic and told me, "I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to your party, and for sharing your family. I just love your family! They're so open and welcoming; I totally felt free to just be myself." She was referring to our whole family in general, but I believe you were a great proportion of that reference, given that the biggest highlight of the party for her was watching My Fair Lady, where only you and Sam and my friends were present.

People change the way they act around you, Nolan. In my experience, there are only 2 types of people for whom others will bend themselves to emulate a better version of themselves: (1) An intimidating tyrant who either manipulates or scares others to put on a false exterior of "goodness" or (2) a vibrant and genuine person who simply inspires other people to put out/forth the best that is in them, for sheer delight. This person heals people just be being present. Our grandparents are such people, I've noticed. Sindy is such a person. And so are you.

I might not have had that birthday party if it wasn't for you, badgering me to do what you knew I wanted to do but was afraid of and therefore avoiding. I do a LOT of things with you that I would never dare do alone and many other things alone that I wouldn't make myself do unless you told me otherwise or I thought you would tell me otherwise. I don't try those things because I'm afraid you'll judge me or "show me up" (like a classic "scrappy" middle child) but because you are a source of safety to me. I know that God would never do anything evil to his children and I know that God speaks through you, so if you ask/tell me to do something, I feel compelled to courage, to strength, to challenge, to adventure, to love to go. To be like you, in order to be more like me.

Um, anyways, I'm starting to babble. You were right: I did want to look at the blog. Love always, Faye"

and lastly (because these were all I found in the folder):

"Happy Valentine's Day Nolan!

Since you refuse to abandon God's leading to accumulate the ill-fated love of another Delilah, this will probably be the only mushy and sentimental love letter you'll receive this Valentine's. Take that!

I love you, Nolan and I'm so glad you're my crazy older brother about whom I regale friends with tales of lunacy and androgyny. I'm so grateful for all the times you've been there to listen to me or to teach me things about life and faith through your open/honest stories of your own journey.

I'm proud of you for listening to God, even if you don't always follow his directions immediately. I hope you have funk music dance parties with God and friends from here to Ontario to the Mediterranean to Timbuktu. Love always, Faye Archer"

Honeymoon Research

2008-03-02T15:56:00.003-07:00

So really I suppose this is mostly for Sherry, but this is where we'll be going for two weeks before heading to Guatemala:

http://www.anywherecostarica.com/playa-hermosa-costa-rica/travel.htm

which is inside:

http://www.anywherecostarica.com/guanacaste/costa-rica/travel.htm

Check out all the parks around!

Destroying Music

2008-03-01T14:04:00.001-07:00

Now it's time to read boys and girls. Today we'll learn about how modern mastering practices have produced albums to fatigue (aggravate) your brain and make you compulsively skip tracks, not to mention the loss in dynamic range that actually makes music interesting and enjoyable. Yes yes Nolan but aren't you just ranting about some small sacrifice that they've made, surely in the name of the greater good? No, the ideological benefits behind such practices are based on myth-driven industry competition. Anyway, stop listening to me, and go read.

Austin360

Rolling Stone

Wikipedia

Divine Evening

2008-03-01T02:02:00.002-07:00

Good evening, morning, whatever. My eyes are begging me not to wake up for a long time, after I let them go to sleep, but I'm ignoring them just now. Part of what I'll write shall explain why.

I got home this evening already in a mood. I could feel the mood coming at about 4:00 PM still at work. I finished off the day fine, and when I came home I threw in a pizza to cook while I showered, home alone. Before the pizza was even finished I already knew I needed to do something with someone, and preferably watch a movie. What about my friends? Hadn't I just talked to Kirk about watching a movie? I'll call him. I'm sure he would have except that he was already going to a friend's birthday party. I wished him well and stared at the pizza baking in the oven. I called Nathan, whose last movie, I still hadn't even seen! No answer. What about my family? It would especially be great if I could watch a movie with Chasey, but I love all of my family. It should be noted that before I even got home I thought of RJ whom I thought of last post, thinking, RJ will be sad that I didn't mention him and perhaps a little left out, silly RJ, of course I love him and am thinking of him, these were just random unfinished thoughts of a few people. Anyway, I knew he was gone to Saskatchewan so I couldn't hang out with him. His car and his missing person at my house were evidence to support this when I arrived home. How delightful for me that Faye answered the phone and said, you should ask Chasey, he's bored, I have to do homework. Well sad for Faye needing to get homework done - I mean cheers that she's doing it, but sad that she's so burnt out of excessive school. I packed my things, because I thought, I should just sleep over since I'm working on my car with my Dad in the morning anyway. I included my journal, my premarital book, and hoped to do a lectio divina. I set off and swore when I reached Barlowe Trail upon realizing that I'd forgotten my speaker which is slightly necessary to install before you can put the door panel back on.

I talked with my Mom for 5 minutes or so when I got home, because I like her, and then I went down to Chasey's room. I got to see his newly acquired acoustic bass, and hear about his first gig with his new band. They played an X92.9 night at the Blind Beggar, and apparently got a very good crowd reaction. Chasey wanted to ask my Dad if he wanted to watch the movie with us (what a stand-up-kind-a-guy that Chasey). I was wary of his reaction since he tends to opt, rather vocally, for more entertainment-driven movies and I wanted to watch Magnolia...

He decided he wanted to watch it with us even though I warned him, and so we put it into the player only to find out: This must be Andy's movie; it doesn't work. Silly DVD coding regionality nonsense.

Well, apparently the movie store at Village Square is cheap. Good. Let's go there. So off we go. Chasey drove, and as he commented, it was a first for him to drive me around. We spent too long looking for movies (it's always too long) but it felt better because I was with other people and both Chasey and Dad have seen lots of movies that I have been interested in but didn't see. Thus, I enjoyed just hearing about their satisfaction with a great many movies. Anyway, I started to wind up and put the pressure on picking the movies. Ah yes movies, with an s. You see it's $3 to rent 1 movie for a week, but it's $6 to rent 3 movies for a week. A no brainer of course...

So we came home with The Weatherman, Punch Drunk Love, and of course Magnolia. Remind me to make sure I actually get to see The Weatherman with them since it was my pick...

We returned home where my Mom had fallen asleep on the couch. My Dad made popcorn while Chasey showed me the mass Christmas family photos that Jono took. They were stellar, but WHERE WERE THE TRADITIONAL NOLAN AND CHASEY PHOTOS??? I mean, they were stellar, thanks Jono!!! :)

I got to see Samantha's grad photos too and can I say WOW? Yeah, 30 stylish, fantastic, Samantha looking wonderful photos to choose from. There wasn't a bad one in the bunch. Write to your Calgary Board of Ed rep and thank them for firing Johnsten's, and then tell Sam how photogenic she is and how great her smile is.

So then we sat down for the 3 hour movie. It was odd, there was ridiculous amounts of swearing, an old couple having sex and yet again I enjoyed the Paul Thomas Anderson film.

First of all, if you're going to make quirky, layered, thematic, subtle yet intense, slow, movies, you have to make them with a great deal of style so that they're still intriguing and enjoyable to watch. It was. Lots of really cool camera work, soundtrack integration, raining cats and dogs and frogs. And ah yes, the oodles and oodles and still more noodles of connections and motifs and issues raised in the film.

At the end my Dad gave me one of his looks and asked, "why did Andy like this movie so much?"

So I told him. And then I proceeded to explain why I agreed with Andy. Which is really to say that this movie is supposed to make you think. What struck you? What stuck out? What impacted you? And to be fair, I had to share what stuck out for me. Which is hard with such a layered movie, because you need time to sort that all out. But I thought out loud. And it was a turning point. Funny thing about watching a movie about 'coincidences' and connections because earlier, God had brought up again that I was to have our family have a forum on alcohol. I still haven't done it. But I'm shooting for April 19th now. I'd talked to my Mom about it again in our 5 minute chat, but as we started discussing the movie, I felt God pointing out that this was a little preview.

So I asked my Dad what stood out to him, and he had LOTS of interesting things to say, he impressed me once again, with how much he picks up that I miss, and Chasey shared, and my Mom shared and it was all very natural and interesting and personal and I loved every second of it.

Twist

More and more I find myself searching for the depth in movies that I looked for before, but can appreciate to a greater extent now with a tiny bit more maturity. After watching Punch Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood, and Magnolia, and being hit with all of the brainwork and soul-searching that follows, it made me return to God repeatedly going on about me and music. I'm supposed to be writing out my goals in music, in a similar way to what my guitar teacher had me do so many years ago. Small goals, big goals, long term, practical, dreams, all of it.

God's talked to me about making music that will have an effect on the spiritual.

Watching movies like these makes me think of how art can be that way - no it's not quite the same. But I think my goal is to go for it. To see it through. To see how making 'prophetic' music turns out. Which seems simple but is quite a turn from my natural tendency to make excellence my highest (and hardest) goal in music.

And I have to keep writing. Not out of obligation although this is something else God's talked to me about. Writing helps me establish things. Keep writing. OK. My eyes will understand tonight.

Token Update

2008-02-28T21:45:00.003-07:00

I'm not inspired to write necessarily, but I'm annoyed by still having the last post sitting there. Let the rambling commence.

I'm missing Sherry now in a strong way, but I'm coping by still living in a community house that makes demands of you frequently (but all in all in a good way), and working very hard, and trying to get organized.

My goal is to get my delinquent budgeting done this weekend, and all my hordes of filing, and if I'm feeling especially ambitious, I'll begin my pre-income taxes. My other goals are to fix my car door, but I haven't talked to my Dad yet, and to go to church on Sunday and then rush off for skiing. Yes I can just feel the likelihood of that last use of "especially ambitious".

I have been enjoying work lately. Last week Kyle got bronchitis and so I was the boss for 3 days with Adam. Adam is a stand up kind of guy, and honestly, I feel loved at work having him around. Take that Ryan, now who's emotional? And oh yeah, I've been coping by giving smoochies to guys, well, only three so far, RJ , Shay, and Ryan Shantz, but Shantz is impressive, you have to agree, I think I might have even got him twice.

Anyway, Adam shakes my hand or we do the fist punch thing before he takes off, and he picked me up an ice cap and a muffin one day, and got me an ice cap as a surprise another day, "because he knew I'd say no, so he got it anyway."

Anyway, Adam has been fun to have around just because he's a great guy, and because it's refreshing to be reminded of what it was like to start and to learn everything new. I also enjoy teaching people things, and encouraging them, and I get to do both.

It's also fun to have little joke competitions with him, like how much wood can you carry at once? Well, actually it's fun just to joke around with him period. So yeah, guess what Mom, I made a new friend at school, er work. Oh yeah, he'll get one of my six left-over invitations.

And I decided I really do want to invite Terry & Leah. I miss Terry some days at work, and we were good friends, and I think God's Holy Spirit whom they don't believe in will be pretty prominent at the wedding. God loves weddings! It's BC on a long weekend, they might actually come too!

Ah yes, and the weather has been incredible! 2 weeks of pleasant, yes pleasant, spring-like weather! When you get to take off your shirt for a few days, Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I am keenly aware that I want to make money right now too, so working long hours is an agreeable prospect, especially whilst Sherry is gone. I'm tempted to work a few Saturdays, but that might be a little bit over the top.

OK but it's after ten, so I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed, because even though I got a decent amount of sleep yesterday, it was a finally, and didn't make up for the week or so of not enough. Silly Rabbit, Trix are for boys who stay up reading hoping Sherry will come online, instead of going to bed early when they get the chance.

Adios amigos!

[Addition] Oh I'm tired, what was I about to say. Ah yes, I laughed at JLYS on Wednesday. Mark was helping me and Sarah out. Mark is a middle-aged man (his son was in grade 12 I think?) who's starting to volunteer and he was GREAT to have around. The laugh though, was when he commented, "you sound like Napoleon Dynamite." I had to tell him that I was like this before the movie even came out and made it cool.

And Adam asked how I get so brown, which I laughed at because I am in pasty white winter mode right now - he's delusional.

Goodnight. Pray for Sherry writing an expansive paper, and for Trevor who swore he'd make my wedding fun, and Nathan making a trilogy, and Sherry's Mom who's doing all my wedding planning for me, and Andy getting all romantic and struggling with what will happen with himself and location and future and all that, and us in the UM as we listen to and follow whatever God may say about whats and hows, and really most of these have been very scratch-the-surface of surfacey, and I miss Andy too. The only good thing about him being gone is that I can turn on the main light in the morning and not worry about making as much commotion. I need to start snorting water when he gets back. That way he can tell me if it helps.

Does the Library have Lonely Planet books? Does someone have a library card who wants to sign me out Costa Rica and Guatemala? Or better yet, find them used for cheap? That would be awesome!

Help, My Motivation Is Drowning or My Mind Is Cracking

2008-02-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have a bit of a split personality right now. When I am in my room, surrounded with unopened bills and receipts that need to be accounted for and filed, and generally a giant pile of mess and responsibility and loathsome paperwork, I find myself shutting down mentally. And so I will wander out to the kitchen and then perhaps look at my message board where I left myself a long list of additional to-dos and I might snack on something, lately cereal or toast. Then perhaps I'll see someone and start talking to them and the conversation will soon steer towards things I must do, or worse, they'll talk about doing things that I could do to distract myself like watching a movie.

When at last I resign myself to working, and return to my cursed room and turn on my computer. I try to console myself that at least I can listen to some music while I work but then I turn on itunes and remember, itunes is a wretched piece of computer-programmed accomplishment bent on malevolence and frustration, and ultimately depression. And as I continue to try to do anything on my iMac I'm reminded again and again and again why I hate these rotten filthy vile contraptions of evil and disfunction. It laughs at how it fooled me into buying it. I weakly respond that I'll just use it for garageband and keep telling myself that I didn't want it for anything else anyway. Then it just mocks me for not having enough time for garageband or any motivation to touch it even if I did. It's lucky it cost so much or I'd smash the mouthy vermin.

Then I run away from home and in my car I pray or listen to music and think about how lucky I am to be living with friends in such opulence. And I begin to hear Jesus. And his Holy Spirit gets excited he's so in love with my friends as they tell me stories of late. And God's doing things around me, and I get swept away and dizzy in his plans and enthusiasm.

Life starts to look beautiful again. Prayer gives me that life. And there's been plenty of it.

I went to a concert and it was incredible. Thrice is amazing. The calibre of their music is top; the depths of meaning behind it wonderful; its execution masterful. They are true and grand artists.

And I want to curl up into a ball and rock myself to sleep except I'd feel silly so I have to wait until I'm tired or longer yet to escape. And I speak of beauty and it overwhelms me, but then I am finished and the darkness overtakes me.

And a great many friends have offered assistance, but right now they can't unless they want to become my secretary. And I realize I am alone with a hundred objects of horror. Usually I can conquer them but normally they come in twos or threes.

I like paper so much better as trees.

I like days so much better without chains.

I prefer to escape to activity. But even when I ski, it feels guilty. Oh how I love it, and how I wish I did this all day instead of what I do, but wait, what a piece of nonsense. I want to expend energy all day without working? What kind of fool am I, and where do I live that I can even compose such kinds of selfish thinking?

And it's fake anyway. I'm only deluding myself into thinking I could do it all day. I would get bored and tired oh so quickly.

And I read all the way through a wedding planning book, and actually started to picture things I could do creatively, but then I have to explain and share it and realize with shock and dismay that these are just more piles of work for me disguised as fanciful notions. I should have guessed, I should have known. Like everything else, I can only come up with ideals and dreams and pretty pictures. All of them, every last one takes time and money and effort and training and fatal isolation. Did you know weddings used to be community potluck affairs? You don't need two years worth of dreadful planning and expenses for those, just full-scale productions of events originally designed to showcase wealth.

But I can't write this, or Sherry would read it and feel awful, and she keeps telling me she loves me for looking after everything.

Maybe I'll go clean the bathroom now.

[addition 1]Or maybe not, because I wanted to listen to angry music and not try and brighten myself. Instead I read Faye's blogs and almost cried reading Val's response for one, and read Sherry's.

[addition 2]Ah yes, I am feeling rather drained and burnt out, so I decided to hide in headphones and SenseField's Living Outside album while I cleaned. Community Houses are brilliant inventions. It's hard to allow stupid things to bother you, like the irrational claustrophobia of having everyone in the house showering in "your" bathroom, whilst they love you all the time by chatting with you and cooking dinner and picking up garbage bags when we run out and hanging your laundry for you. Yes there are a lot of things that might pile up on you with housework alone, but living with friends makes it survivable, not to mention enjoyable.

I did get the call from Kyle and no we don't have any work, nor will we until possibly Thursday, more likely Friday or Monday. So I should go ahead and see if I can work for Trent for a week. And although I am sorely sorely tempted not to work this week, as a sort of stress leave, a couple things suggest I should. One is that basically I've been doing that already for the last two weeks and I effectively lose $200/day. Two is that it hasn't actually been as helpful as I would anticipate for getting things done. Three is that we have less money than I thought and I can't afford to keep pretending I can afford it.

I Wish Upon A Fading Fire

2008-01-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

How do you prepare for marriage?

One might start practicing the things you hope your marriage to have...

What do you hope for?

Oh it's been an interesting few days. After a lull with Christmas break, my attention was yanked around to the UM, what we're about, what are we doing. I was introduced to Josh who was looking for a place to move into in Calgary, and in fairly short order. Well, since we're not just a bunch of roommates here, it makes things slightly more complex. I found myself going through what we in the house agreed upon for some of our ways of life.

I hope to pray. I hope to pray with every action I undertake, every destructive criticism I dare not make. I hope my life is full of others', and that my heart covets every moment it can to show love.

I hope to listen. I hope to be quiet enough often enough to hear God's quiet voice. I hope to get so good at recognizing it that I start noticing and understanding his voice when it is like many thunders and the crashing of waves against rocks. I hope to gain God's trust. I hope to give him respect by actually paying attention to what he cares about and return some of his romance by going out of my way to do some of the things he wants to get done and surprising him with gifts I know he'll appreciate, and recounting some of our favourite memories of elation together.

I hope I always know which way to go because my hand is in God's and he's confident and I can see which way he's leading us. I hope we talk about plans and preparations to be made. I hope we still laugh at ourselves.

And I hope that Sherry and I kiss passionately every day and hold each other tight - Which you might have guessed we'd been practicing. However, right now that tends to leave us feeling a little disappointed. Sure I suppose we could do that, or we could just wait a couple months and instead focus on a few other things we hope for. So you won't find us hanging around in each other's bedrooms or lying around on couches. We'll see what else God hopes to teach us instead.

And we'll go skiing!

A Fetching Monologue

2007-12-25T01:40:00.000-07:00

Yvaine:

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.

So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Stardust, 2007

Can't vs Grace

2007-12-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

Friday I freaked.

I went to dance class after work happy that this week I didn't feel as empty and drained as the end of the week before. With Christmas, there was almost no one in attendance so they combined our class with the Hip Hop styles class. That class is 2 levels higher than ours...

So we started with the Hip Hop warm-up. Wow, by the time we were done and were grabbing drinks I had to wrenchingly stop swallowing so as to avoid suffocating from lack of oxygen. Then my teacher started us on a challenging combo. We were moving at a fast clip but I was keeping up so long as I had someone to visually follow. I finished feeling good. It was difficult and quick but I had done it. Now it was the Hip Hop teacher's turn. She had the sudden brilliant inspiration to take her combo and add it onto the funk one rather than do it separately with her originally intended, and much slower, song. It will be so much fun to do it this fast!

So she starts showing us the moves. So far so good, these are kind of fun and I'm catching on quick. Now let's try with music. Woah, sorry I must have blinked or something because I hadn't started and it was over. Don't worry though, you'll get lots of practice since this is so fast. Lots of practice not being able to be a dance instructor extraordinaire who finds moving like lightning without effort fun.

I need to leave.

Don't freak out Nolan. Don't freak out Nolan. Lots of times, difficult things get easier after you've moved onto more moves.

So we move on, and again, I can do this just fine. Until we switch to light-speed.

So let's repeat a few times.

And the rage is flying high and burning behind my eyes.

I can't even attempt this. Nothing close.

And I walk out before I start crying.

And avoid that until just before I get into my car.

The anger is so strong it's scary.

I drive home, avoiding the blinding urge to go through things in my path.

And I get home and Jason and Megan are having a romantic dinner and the house is dark and silent and I go into my room considering how to vent this out.

I could work out downstairs, no - they're downstairs - but I could just do push-ups here but that won't solve this. I'll just get tired, and it won't do it this time.

I could go for a run but that won't do it either.

No the only thing I'm considering that has any appeal is smashing things, but I don't have anything to smash and I don't have an aluminum baseball bat.

I'm supposed to call Sherry when I get home but that will need to hold on until I figure this out.

A myriad of despondent thoughts are flying through my brain and afterwards when trying to describe it I came down to the word, "can't."

It wasn't that I expected myself to be able to dance at a level above my ability. I think that got to me because for most of my life I haven't felt understood by my teachers, or lacked them outright, and desperately need them to learn. So to have teachers expect the unreasonable was painful.

It set off though, all the expectations I do have for myself that never get met. And I tie those things to learning. I'm not fast enough at work. Why? Because I don't remember so much of what I learn. So even though I'm building a deck for the 2oth time, I'm still going as fast as if I'd only built one. Still cautious, and taking time to figure things out that should be instinctive by now. Still trying to invent a system for tasks when I should have one nailed down that I'm merely practicing at; pushing myself to take less time. And you might say, oh but at least if you're cautious you won't make mistakes, but you will be incorrect. While taking my sweet time, I still make dumb little mistakes. I've been making these as long as I can remember. Visualizing things wrong in my head. And eventually I just feel stupid. Why can't I do it right? Growing up I felt smart. I'm not sure why. Probably because I didn't have any difficulties understanding the concepts I was taught. They all made sense. Sure, of course, thanks for telling me. I wasn't some brainiac doing calculus for fun in my head, but I had consistently good grades. I remember the little mistakes then too though. There was always some slip up, keeping me from perfection. It didn't matter if I looked over my work or not, it would make sense until it was shown wrong.

And perhaps it's because I was so successful with my job at Can-Am. Because I did work out a system and get fast, ridiculously fast, with highest quality and attention to detail, and bored. I conquered every challenge set before me and every challenge I gave myself. Same thing when I worked at Dairy Queen.

Why can't I do it framing?

Sure all the tons of mistakes I make are usually forgivable. I'll notice them myself before they ever become an issue, but hey, no one's perfect - and I'm not even close. Yet I continue to make costly ones, on a regular basis, right after the proper way was explained to me, and I understood it, and then I magically screw it up.

And if I stop to think about whether I'm good at anything, such as in the middle of being really angry and freaking out, I can't. I go through a list and I'm worthless. And I try to think, it's not about what you do, that your value comes from. But it's got to be connected in ways. I'd like to think that I only fail at things if they're hobbies, part-time. Perhaps I need to focus on something to get it right. But I work long hours every day framing and that hasn't helped. And if I'm so terrible at everything, what's even worth liking about me?

And as I sat in my room crying that's what I asked God.

And eventually I decided to try to find music to match my mood and my thoughts, because hey I would create some myself except that I don't have the talent or skills for that either.

And so I collected songs and would start playing them rather unfocusedly because they weren't it, but just the loudness felt good, and sometimes just the music being good felt good.

After an hour I had finally cooled off enough to now feel extraordinarily hungry and went out in search of food. And chatted with Andrew for 5 minutes and started returning to normal.

I called Sherry and talked awhile and after that apologized to Jason for loud music to interrupt his dinner but they hadn't heard it. They invited me to watch a movie with them so I did.

And it wasn't resolved but at least the mindset was hidden again.

So I told RJ about it yesterday, and he tried to talk sense to me.

He said I have a perfectionism that I've grown up with. And I see the way things should go mentally but then when they don't it grates against me.

Yes, yes, I do that all the time driving.

But Nolan, every thing happens for a reason. God could make you perfect if he wanted.

Yes, yes, I've thought the same thing at work.

So let me speak a word into your life. Grace.

Maybe give yourself the same grace you'd give someone else.

No, no, you don't understand, I would have my expectations at work for someone else. Most every day I think to myself, I would fire me if Calgary wasn't in such desperation for workers.

I can't handle the weather, and I screw up all the time. Framing's not the right fit for me at all. Not that I can think of something that would be a good fit...

And also in my head are the words of Amy from Thursday reminding me of the significant truth that saying things out loud is powerful. Blessings and curses. Truths and lies. Words create.

That's partly why prayer is so important.

And maybe I've doomed myself at work because I curse all the time. Maybe I've made myself stupid. It's not a new thought. I've considered it before. And I fight with it. Grace isn't a new word either. I tell myself the same thing at work. But I lose. Most of the time I'm sure I'm OK because I'm just not a high-stress person, and can't hold on to self-loathing and anger and all that for long. But I'm not getting any better with maintaining peace over my frequent outbursts.

But today before the service began I was considering this, and a truth came to me to speak out. I can do all things through him who gives me life.

Actually that might be wrong, I couldn't remember if it was life or strength or something totally different. Here, maybe I should go check...

2 Corinthians 9:8 (Whole Chapter)
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Mark 10:27 (Whole Chapter)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

Ephesians 4:15 (Whole Chapter)
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

1 John 2:27 (Whole Chapter)
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

OK so much for my scripture passage. I couldn't find it anywhere...

My Name Is Jonas

2007-12-10T21:49:00.001-07:00

So the other day at work, completely out of the blue I suddenly had a thought. I've always thought it so hard-hearted, so utterly rebellious, so incredible - the story of Jonas. Why would I think that? It's so easy to do the opposite of what God tells you to do.

I'm still not writing music. It's December and I'm still not writing music.

God directly highlighted the UM as something for me to pursue. Back in October we came up with proposals for various areas of life to follow. For prayer we are to set aside one weeknight 7:30 - 9:30 to pray and to sign up for a 3 hour slot on Saturday. Guess how consistent I've been with that...

God introduced lectio divinas as an exciting way to listen to him more in such a surrounding manner that it was hard to escape how badly he wanted me to do them. I don't remember the last time I tried.

God has me framing not so that I become the world's fastest, perfect framer (thank God because that won't ever happen), and not so that I can just pay the bills, and not just to learn patience and reveal how easily I can be upset or have near fatalities. He told me to frame so that I could pray for Kyle. And how well do I do that might you ask. Please don't.

God gave me another creative directive, that one romantic. We're doing pretty well with that one. But even there, recently I've become good at ignoring some of his guidance.

Dear God help me, because I'm tempted to say I need help from people. Help for motivation by joining me, by asking me, by encouraging me, by teaching me. But Jonas ran away with other people and you had them throw him overboard to be all by himself. And one last thing you told me I needed to do: learn how to be myself in Christ regardless of circumstances, easy or hard, friends or no friends.

So right now I have a massive to-do list on my message board on the wall with 3 exhortations:

Don't be lazy

Don't get distracted

Get sleep every day

And yes Jesus, you are fantastic at interrupting as the Christmas story clearly shows. And like the picture you gave me, you even like interrupting yourself. So I won't be too hard on myself as you throw so many unscheduled things my way. On top of those I'll still follow your lead and make sure I take time to rest and celebrate.

Kersplat went the little green car one day

2007-11-18T00:31:00.000-07:00

Two interviews I read inspired me in the last couple of days. One was with Chris Cornell (Soundgarden / Audio Slave) and the other Mike Peters of The Alarm. I would write more about how or why they were inspiring but it hasn't entered me yet. I jammed with Shaun, Aaron, and Andy tonight. It was similar to any other time we've played. Sometimes things click, sometimes they don't. Usually there are moments of glory where we all get excited. I get frustrated in a quiet way because it can be very difficult to create parts or ideas in such a setting. But if we are going to regularly play on Saturday nights, which sounds promising, then I shall go and get a mic and start recording, or, actually figure out garage band and buy a preamp and all that and I could even bring my imac over and record us there (sound quality would be terrible but- hmm, maybe forget going any further sound quality wouldn't be worth while).

It was really really strange to come home and not see Sherry. I can't explain it well, except that we were both home but not together, not even to say hi / bye, or exchange a look or a hug - Two months of her in New Zealand will be very difficult. Hint hint to airline employees looking for framers... Well actually if anyone is looking for a framer for a basement development, I suppose making some extra money could be smart.

And speaking of money, mine has come into question. Yesterday driving home from work, I was switching lanes to my right when a car from the far right lane swerved into my path. I had to veer back into my lane which was now coming to a stop. Braking did not prevent me from rear-ending the camry in front of me. Smash. And he bumped the BMW in front of him. We both got out of our vehicles to make sure there were no injuries and briefly inspect the damage before pulling over to the side to exchange information. He was extremely polite and organized taking all the information and giving me a consoling, "it happens."
After my initial yelling vent session of 5 seconds or so I was very calm and the whole thing seemed very surreal. I didn't even really look at my car, I was much more concerned about theirs. The camry's rear bumper was all scratched up and dinged. The BMW looked like it was perfectly fine although the camry's front bumper was showing cracking in the fibres. After all the information exchanging I returned to my car and actually took a look, and realized that there was enough damage to effectively write off my car. Thankfully no damage to the motor and my important lights meant I would be fine to drive my car for now (at least until my next oil change when the hood will have to be popped and then will likely never come down again).
So I got to hang out at the police station all morning for the accident report today but after that I got to come home and make a nice egg skillet lunch before heading out on a surprise-ish (way to go Jason! Just kidding I love you) date with Sherry. We picked up a canoe from Stu and enjoyed the Glenmore reservoir. I even convinced Sherry to switch ends with me despite her being convinced such endeavours would be doomed to tipping us. No RJ I didn't try out your out-door magazine's know-how; I didn't even read that part.
Visited my parents to do the stereotypical son thing: raid their cupboards of cookies and pumpkin bread and home-made rolls and borrow movies and take their portable fire pit. Sherry borrowed a humidifier.

Notice how quickly I jumped off the car thing. Well that's how my mind with it has gone too. Until I'm actually forced to face it and get a new car, it will stay as background to-come-later stress.

The next week looks to be busy but after that I want to continue the trend, only with you! So call me up and plan things. Things like the debut Trevor's bachelor weekend movie premier? Or the Grosse Point Blank couples romantic movie night? Or wall climbing? Speaking of wall climbing, I should REALLY get a borrowed tent patched and quick!! It will be bad enough when I see them at church tomorrow and don't have it.
Speaking of couples romantic movie nights, are there couples who haven't seen Into The Wild? All I keep hearing is how awesome this movie is so Friday night I was thinking... late showing?

1:30ish AM time for bed.

Laying Pipe / All Night Long

2007-10-26T10:29:00.000-06:00

So I wasn't laying pipe, and I didn't even sing that song although I did sing a lot.
Yes the working debacle that started Monday has made for an interesting week. Our homebuilder shafted us by giving away all the filler jobs they'd assigned for us to other crews while our next house was delayed even further. So on immediate notice we had 2 weeks of no work. Kyle had planned to go on vacation in 2 weeks and bumped it up and left early, and I had to scrounge. So I checked with a framing crew down the street since there was 3 guys working on 2 houses and they excitedly and eagerly gave me their boss' phone number however he, along with 6 other guys, had just finished everything in Strathmore and were coming to Chestermere to jump on those houses so they wouldn't need any more help. I'd talked to Ian (after making sure WCB would be covered - you know just in case of a repeat of last year's knee nailing) but he didn't sound very confident and I wasn't able to get a hold of his partner Trent all day either. I called my uncle Mike who is a home builder and he said he could get me a frost package and a deck and probably some other work. Trent later called back and I could work, just not right away since they would have a day's lull too.
So Monday I had a half day.
Tuesday I had no work. This wasn't bad because our carpets were supposed to be installed in the morning and I could move all my stuff into the new room in the afternoon after running some errands, except that they forgot to come. Ah well, I did have lunch with my Dad - he even paid! I also got financing for an iMac that will arrive Friday or so, so I can get going with the music!
Wednesday I had no work. This wasn't bad because our carpets were supposed to be installed...
But they weren't. Although I did get to scrape off a large section of cat-urinated-underlay. I went to JLYS and got my shopping done for the bachelor party (slightly over budget but still very cheap over all).
Late Thursday morning I got the call, the frost wall package was on its way and so was I, to Black Diamond. Now Frost Wall packages can go either way for work and time. Once I did 3 in two days, and last time I did 1 in a day and a half. Are the studs a fixed length? (this will make cutting them much quicker) How many windows are there? (Less is faster) Are there funky jogs and height changes? How big is it? And the big question for this job:
Is the stupid concrete so hard that my stupid concrete nails won't pierce it!!!! (Oops) ?
This was fine, after all, after I got all my studs loaded into the basement and set about cutting them all, I began singing. I sang made up songs to God, songs I knew, songs I changed. And I sang a lot about patience (now I know you're all thinking Be Patient, Be Patient but I didn't).
Now after discovering the concrete was impregnable, at least without explosives (which I didn't have), a very keen impression came to me. Sherry asked me to pray for an impression but this wasn't what she was hoping for. I needed to persevere in hope. It would be intercessional prayer for Pam, who I'd sensed needed to preserve hope, and it would be very needed for me to maintain sanity. So with every single nail, and there was a lot, I prayed that God would sink it. And as nail after nail bent, it gets harder to pray, but I did. Not always joyfully... Sometimes it would go something like, "DAMN IT YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! No, not you God - the nail, sorry. Alright God this nail?" And many times I would sing praise songs even while the nails were bending because I still loved God and trusted him, even if he wasn't telling me anything (which I was also praying for), and man oh man was I thankful when the one in 15 or more nails would go in. Yes, while Pam thinks it would be fun to job shadow her friends, I think I would scare most people if they were watching.

Side note of discovery at 9:30 or so: Kiwi skins are fine, even if you don't rub off any of the fuzz (I was smart enough to take off the sticker though). I needed some extra sustenance...

I was getting irritable towards the end though. It's hard not to get grumpy when you're nearing 16 hours of work and you've been in a dark concrete cave with a head-lamp on dim and the only muffled noise other than yourself you hear through your ear plugs is a very oppressive air compressor. Mostly I decided it was better not to talk when I got that tired and I was a little hungry and irritating timed red lights prevented me from getting home sooner (I was calm, and not even speeding for the most part, just easily incited).

Anyway, this morning was nice. I woke up at 8 after going to bed at almost 2, and jumped out to give Sherry a quick call about possibly meeting her for lunch. I left a message and then did my morning Bible reading and study when Nathan called and wanted to go out for breakfast, which was perfect. Got to go for a run and then write this, and now I need to either pack for the weekend or attack my room transfer.

Some of you might be still curious as to why I wouldn't just go home after say, 8 hours. Well if you consider packing up and setting up tools again with the extra travel back and forth, you're looking at almost 3 1/2 extra hours of non-productive time for work, and I knew I needed to be at Jono's for the bach party departure Friday afternoon. So staying and finishing was the better alternative. Besides including a partial day next Friday, I'm missing 4 days of work on a pay cheque I was hoping to do some shopping with.

The drive out to Black Diamond with the fresh snow and the clear view of the mountains was incredible by the way.

God Bless You, Even If You Didn't Sneeze, But Twice If You Did

2007-10-18T21:25:00.001-06:00

9:25 Thursday. Today I got fitted for my Tux for Trevor's wedding, and I priced out the menu for his bachelor party next weekend. I'm OK, and I believe it. For the last few weeks every day I come home seems like a transition from work to more work. There's so many good things every day that brighten life up. I read Pawns by um, someone, let me go find it and tell you...

The Pawn by Steven James. Fantastic! A muchly appreciated birthday present from my parents.
I know you're all sick of hearing about Sherry and her unending wonderfulness but this morning I was grumpy and she came downstairs just as I was leaving and kissed me goodbye and life was cheery.

Tonight was delightful. I stopped writing my blog when I went in search of the book because Andy invited me for prayer in our prayer room. Yes, we have a prayer room. It is open Saturdays, for all 24 hours, for you. How exciting is that? Anyway, we had a very life-giving time with the celtic daily book of prayers with some bonus spirit-led personal stuff.

I am so much more peaceful. MMMmmm.
I priced out the menu I've planned for Trevor's Bach Party Weekend and it came out for a steal of a deal's budget. Especially since I wasn't being thrifty at all.
If I can promise anything it's that it will be tasty.

Ah yes and I was going to throw an invite on here too. For a few years now I've wanted to read the Bible chronologically, and Sherry gave me her chrono Bible complete with daily reading break-downs to do it in a year, so I'm going to. Starting next week! I've purposely left this weekend unscheduled so I can get a few necessary things done and be more organized. Anyway, if you want to join in on it, I'll email you the week's worth of readings.

Alas, it is nearly eleven. Goodnight.

Sherry's faster than you think

2007-10-06T08:43:00.000-06:00

Good morning. It's Saturday, when I have my "birthday party." Although who said anything about that? Anyway, I've enjoyed Saturday already. I woke up rested and lay around praying a bit. Next I showered and semi-got ready. I'm just in shorts but that's so I can marinade in body butter so as to combat dry skin.
There's a fire downstairs but I don't get to see it yet. I was told to wait on the couch, except this is what I planned to do until 9:00 anyway. So long.

OK So No Sidebar Wishlist

2007-09-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

It could be worse, I could have given you a 7 page document - and who does that except for a couple of my favourite people in the world?

1. My car door repaired or replaced
2. A used/refurbished replacement of my previous phone from Telus
3. CDs
Project 86 - Rival Factions
Mae - Singularity
Sleeping At Last - Keep No Score
Classic Crime - Albatross
The Listening - The Listening
Gabriel Wilson - Lovely Is Death
Pete Stewart - I Gave You A Desert
Tyrone Wells - Hold On

(Pre)4. Blender from Superstore
4. Cool Necklace
5. An entire box of Handwarmers (I'd even help pay for that)
6. Cool Shirts (if they don't fit I'll return them though)
7. Cool Jeans (this means they're of the tailored variety with flared bottoms and slightly skinnier at the knees W32 L34 and you shouldn't spend much money on them) These could be impossible to find - I'm starting to suspect I'll need to learn how to make jeans.
8. Cool Activity - you could just plan and do something creative with me
9. Beat me with a stick until I'm a better musician - OK fine maybe that wouldn't help... Maybe you could collect music charts (or even, gag, tabs) for my favourite music: The Juliana Theory, Brandtson, House Of Heroes, The Violet Burning (they might be the easiest to get real music charts for - you just need to join their underground club and who wouldn't want to do that?).
10. Big Pyrex Measuring Cup - OK I'm only half-joking - this definitely wouldn't be as cool as any of the other things but I'd use it.
11. Comfy warm socks - my Dad gave me two pairs and one is already dead and the other one won't last forever and besides you can only wear them once and then you need to wash them. Wool is not comfortable, it's itchy.

UM Report

2007-09-24T18:54:00.000-06:00

So it's nearing the end of September and things of the UM are as different as always.
It was decided that the different facets of our lives together would be separated into categories and given over to pairs of people to be drafted into a proposed plan of action.
Hence Andy & Shay are working on what our lives of prayer might look like. Pam and I have some suggestions about incorporating the disciplines of silence and solitude. There's food and cleaning and a host of other things to be considered.
Last night I was working on the cooking theory and was met with several challenges from the new guys. And I didn't appreciate them. How annoying to have to defend something that works. How dare you suggest alternatives. Somewhere in the middle of this rumours of what might be brewing in other areas came up and I immediately attacked them too.
And I had to stop and breathe and pray. And whilst praying it occurred to me very strongly that this September feels very different than last, and not for the better, even though the house isn't nearly as chaotic. And it's all my fault.
Last year, I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be painful sacrifices. I knew my personal life would be put on hold and become second to the people I would now live with. I expected it so much that it was surprising not to be as extreme as it could have been.
Where has that gone?
Now it's easy to be selfish and cling tightly.
And so a Chevelle song came to me and I had to pray it out at work and then later on when I got home. The chorus channeled was:
"I want to fight I want to fight I want to prove I'm right. I want to fight I want to fight so turn and forfeit."

I focused on a passage in James 3 today about the wisdom that comes from heaven.

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."

And I feel so caught right now. I want the freedom to have alternative opinions on things like prayer, but I want to be submissive/yielding. So I need to pray.

Goings On

2007-09-07T23:19:00.000-06:00

So I worked a 12 1/2 hour day today. The last couple hours were actually the best though. And hours are a good thing when money is especially desirable as it is right now. So my question for you all instead of, "what's new?" or "how are you doing?" is:

What have you been spending money on lately?

It's bound to get different results and a unique perspective on what you've been up to of late.
No that wasn't a general statement, you should call me or leave a comment or email me.

Speaking of calling, not having a phone book is driving me a little bit crazy, but just you wait, I'm going to add a column to the right with my birthday wish list complete with appropriate links - but not tonight. Because even though I'm not going to change my trend of not going to bed before midnight (I've done it every day since last Thursday, and it could be longer - I just can't specifically recall any further back than that, edit: last Tuesday was part of the streak and I don't remember being any smarter the next day...), I still need to get a little bit of sleep before I get up early to get an oil change before heading off to plan Trevor's bachelor party with Jono. I wrote out a to-do list tonight. The thing has just been mental for the last couple weeks and it's made me go a little mental, possibly because it has over 30 items on it. I can't keep up with my thoughts. The dots aren't all connecting. Up above I didn't explain how getting a used cell phone like my last one will be on my wish-list.

Yesterday I felt the tiredness. I had woken up at about 4 AM mysteriously and didn't get back to sleep. I was a zombie getting ready, was almost half an hour late for work, and didn't really wake up until 10:30 or so. After that I started having the most wonderful time. I put on a mix CD RJ gave me and it put me into a grandish mood and I got into the flow of things work wise too. Then I threw on an old mix CD and it made me remember the simple things and how much I enjoy music, and it made me pray a lot. Things however took a different turn about 3 PM. I had only hit a couple of snags at work by then but then I did something stupid while going quickly. It was one of those things where you question it mentally while you're doing it but you're in a hurry and before your brain can tell you no it's already happened. So that's how I ended up puncturing/smashing my left middle fingernail with a hammer-tacker (it's like a heavy duty stapler with a handle). There was no duct tape on my mouth for that one, because how could I get my finger in there to suck all the blood that way? It all went downhill from there with glitch after glitch, slowing things down and making me angry and then I get all upset about being upset and I'm half-trying to pray through the whole thing and at one point I can't believe the intensity of how angry I'm getting and almost cry. Then I went to my parents' and relaxed all night with my family and my visiting aunt & uncle and Sherry. So a fair bit of mood swings that day.

I was amused reading my last entry (from 2 AM I might point out) because you could quite easily take all the fish stuff and over-analyze phrases like "those people" and think the italics means a kind of glowering tone; "aren't especially keen about storing up potential energy very long" and think I'm getting cabin fever; and "violently thrash about, clearly because they want to have some final fun before they die" and think I'm getting the movie-popular commitment claustrophobia.
Anyway, none of those were cognizant at the time, nor are they true. I was just being silly.

Sherry asked me what attracted me to her in the first place the other day. That's a rather difficult question given it would require going back 3 years, but I was thinking about it Thursday on my break and remembered going to the girls' house for a bread & wine night with Epic together with Faye (it might have been on my mind because Dave said, "to hell with the devil," on Tuesday night at Andy's party and it reminded me of how he was talking about Stryper with Rachel at church one night and I spontaneously screamed that line with incredible volume and shrillness. I haven't even heard Stryper do it, but I've heard Five Iron Frenzy's tribute and I thought that was hilarious. Dave then threated to kill me if I ever did that again so when he was leaving the bread & wine night me and Faye ran over to the door and screamed it out at him as he was going to his car. Yes, I'm still alive today).
So why think about this night in regards to Sherry? Well I don't have any specific memories about her from then actually (although it seems to me that I wrote some sort of journal entry about the evening stating that she cried while we were praying about the Joel passage about the locust army that Pam read). But the lack of specific memories is what's significant here. I have thousands of detailed specific memories about Sherry. And while I may have her deluded into thinking I have an awesome memory, I realize that it's because having her around instantly triggers my brain to sense something great is happening and attention is exponentially heightened. It's interesting because I can remember Sherry and Laura coming over to RJ's for brunch (we loved throwing brunches, and the details for that are exquisite, I can recall the waffles and the lighting in the kitchen and the smell of frying pork and the colours of the fruit and the taste of the yogurt. I can recall the conversations too, such as Sherry discussing what she'd been considering for work for the summer (it was spring) for which the key appealing factors were physical activity and sunshine. OK so I can't recall a single thing RJ said, but I can recall that I was excited about Sherry coming over, which I suppose isn't very hard to surmise since I just said it was spring and I already figured out I told RJ in the fall. But if I told him in the fall - Septemberish to be more specific - then she got my attention while I was living at home. But how did she even have opportunity to get my attention since we didn't hang out what so ever?
So the Bread & Wine evening, which can be placed very close to the approximate time period of awareness, could have been an observational occasion. Could have been the occasion. If so, what attracted me then? Her personality of course. And I don't think her personality's changed since then. It's the hundred normal insignificant things she does in any given hour that easily identify her as Sherry and no one else. It's when she says, "whoopsies."
While I was camping on the not-as-long-as-I'd-have-liked Labour Day weekend Meg mentioned a book called, He's Just Not That Into You, or something along those lines. I've never read it but I like the title (yes clearly I like it so much I'm not even sure I have it correct).
Maybe it's just me coming from an entire family of chivalry appreciatives but it struck me that you should have someone you don't have to do anything to impress. You just being you is all that's necessary to make them crazy about you.

While I was in BC we hiked up to see Bridal Falls. It only took 5 minutes to get there. It seemed bizarre to me. How can something this beautiful and impressive require such little effort to reach? Along the way Sherry pointed out different plants and told me stories and it was just too much. Having hung out with her for a week straight, I was slightly overwhelmed and I couldn't help but blurt out, "Sherry, you're awesome." It confronted me everywhere we went and there was always some new way for it to display itself.

On the drive home Sherry was telling me about what a smart guy had been telling her about the original Hebrew in the creation account in Genesis. Something along the lines of God creating man in his image and then making them male and female and the specific line about marriage and how marriage (the two halves united) is a more perfect picture of God's image. It's two (re)becoming one. And Ephesians talks about that too. We are Christ's bride. And Jesus prays for that kind of unity in John 17.

And I was a bit bewildered trying to imagine it all. Most of the time it's really easy to accept that God adores every little thing about me. But then when I'm freaking out at work, it gets slightly more difficult. And it's after I'm cooled down a little bit and talking to him that it almost freaks me out. Because I'm starting to see it.

Sherry made insecure comments about her 'strong likes and dislikes' pertaining to food (or simply pickiness which spellcheck is begging me to change to finickiness but it doesn't even recognize spellcheck so what does it know?)' several times during the week in BC and it was cute. As if that could annoy me, it's part of her charm.
I fell head-over-heels for her last fall and it flabbergasts her a bit because she was all stressed out then and 'not at her best'. But she's always the best.

Sherry by the way is fantastic at coming up with great ways to steal my heart more. I've wanted to read the Bible chronologically for years and years now and not only did she leave one for me on my desk but she put notes on it.
And she dresses up so that Pam prays for me because I'll need extra self-control. Silly Pam, Sherry's always got her eyes and they're enough all on their own to keep mine.

Anyway it's 1:13 AM and this could keep going on and on, but suffice to say that God is romantic, and that is a sign and wonder to contemplate and blush at.

Which Do You Prefer: Stage, or Phase?

2007-09-01T02:34:00.000-06:00

What does enmeshing mean? Well I have a dictionary, not even the on-line one, and it says, “ensnare in or as in a net.”

I returned from a holiday in BC where I had the unlikely chance to go drift-net fishing. This was an experience for a couple reasons, but I would like to highlight that it was fun seeing how Jesus' disciples might have caught fish. The fact that tiny plastic fibres could trap fish was rather intriguing too.

Today I didn't see Sherry and it felt backwards. I had decided I wanted to go visit my family and after I mentioned it, she later told someone else that she would be around the house for the evening. And at first I thought, how sad that she doesn't want to come too (yes I know I hadn't specifically invited her) but then it struck me that I really had become one of those people.

When you ask those people what they're doing they need to check. No not their calendar, or in Andy's case his diary, but with someone else. And no they're not checking to see if they have a previous engagement like they would if they were checking their calendar. They're checking to see if someone else would enjoy the proposed event. Well why should that matter? You ask, and didn't they see each other every single day just last week?

Yes I too might be bewildered by such phenomenon except that I witnessed fish who, like myself, aren't especially keen about storing up potential energy very long. These fish when finding themselves stuck in nets, proceed to violently thrash about, clearly because they want to have some final fun before they die. Upon drawing the net out, you now have the pleasure of trying to untangle the fish, who has gone to great lengths to make sure he is thoroughly joined to the net. It's not so bad. If it weren't like that, you would get hungry and maybe your children would starve. Since they're joined, the fish goes where the net does, and you've got the net.

Rapt

2007-09-01T02:11:00.000-06:00

"Girls who love God are powerfully attractive, to the point of being intimidating."

This statement is akin to the stereotypical male reaction to a 'hot girl'. He proceeds to become tongue-tied, self-conscious,awkward, foolish, etc.

But it also speaks of an intense awareness that should lead to caution. When a girl is that awesome, if you get close, your emotions will get entangled; it will be difficult to remain casual, objective, nonchalant. Your eyes will be glued to this person who almost seems to glow with God's presence, and that's not relaxing.

Are you still intimidating?

You've still got my focus.

The Numbers Don't Add Up

2007-08-17T20:58:00.000-06:00

So I'd like to start off by dedicating this post to number enthusiasts. Yes revel, math geeks, revel in your moment of glorified attention.

In the last four days, on average, I have worked precisely double the time I have slept. That's good because if I hadn't had the last two days to balance things out it would be triple.
I estimate that on average I have eaten 100 raisins per day in the last four.
In only the last two days I have eaten an average of 1/3 a watermelon per day.

OK I'm bored of that game.

As I mentioned I've been working what used to be standard summer hours, and I'm not minding it. Sunny and twenties - fresh air, joisting a floor or building walls, Sherry's in BC, who wouldn't?
Now this could be important because I've decided I WILL be set up to record music this September.
First I need to consult a techie/musician and tell them what I want to do, then I need to go shopping. And if it's required, I will buy it. I will not back down from a Mac purchase if that is what is required. I will not cringe at the heart-stopping price difference of a laptop over a desktop if that's what must be. I will slave away building houses until I can make music.
There is much more to take into consideration than just what can I buy - such as how will I actually learn how to use these purchases?
Tutorials!
I've done them, I've loved them, I will find them again.
So I'd like to announce that I'm going back to school.
I am a student once more.
And the first thing I'll have to learn is how to fight to protect this.
And memories return.
Memories of telling Andrew Gingrich I need to quit guitar lessons because I'm failing miserably at practicing daily and I'm just wasting his time - but he encouraged me and I kept going and got so so so much further.
Memories of explaining my dream of becoming a professional musician to Andrew and how God had called me to quit my job and live off my school savings. Asking him so many questions. How did it jive with his marriage? - with his relationship with God?
And he had good answers.
And I'm not saying I'm going there. I still don't have any intention of being a professional musician. That still feels cruel. Kyle asked me about that the other night. He wanted to make sure I wasn't intent on becoming an artist for money because he doesn't like having starving friends. Lucky for him I don't like starving.

Oh by the way Mute Math is coming to Calgary in September! Go buy tickets!

More memories. I remember having coffee or something along those lines with Kelly Grant and he was talking about someone else but he might as well have been talking about me (hmm kind of like a conversation I had with Sherry where I was talking about me but she took it all aimed at her). "He's got all these passions - he just needs to figure out a way of making money with them"
My passions don't make money. Only people who double as clever salesmen or find one to exploit them get to do that.
And I suppose if I was just concerned with me I would go find a more suitable job to pay bills while I do something I care about. I could be a postman! But instead I'm a funny sort of missionary and I won't apologize for that.

Have I ever told you about how I like people who talk about going on all sorts of adventures all the time?
RJ is one such person. He would go on Mediterranean trips every year all over the world (yes I know the Mediterranean isn't moving around - it was a figure of speech) if he had his way. He would go pray for Malta for a month if he had been the one talking to Marty instead of me. He could have unlimited time off work and adjustable and hence dispensable hours at work to serve his whims, and he would have independently wealthy friends who have large investments with interest and dividends that are partially donated to people who could creatively spend them. Or just spend them. I mean there's always people asking you to go out to movies and dinner and you have to be social right? And there's always stores with clothes that would make you look nice and you can't go around naked right? And hey you're being given money by generous people, you can't just go around being selfish either, so you'd best be covering people around you for such things too.

So all of that sounded just like a rant by someone who hates spending money and is careful about it. But I'm not, and no, the numbers don't add up. So RJ came up with the idea of giving ourselves monthly allowances. I'm sure I spent quadruple mine.

Timing kills me too. I haven't even been to the Farmer's Market this summer. I want to have a salsa-making party. I haven't touched the book I started reading in weeks. But hey, I need to go rock-climbing and hiking and camping and biking and rafting and volunteering and dancing and family-visiting and writing and tennis-playing and trampolining and do-I-have-to-I-suppose-it-feels-better-if-I-do sleeping, and choring, and chore shirking, and right now I have to go fold laundry before I get some sleep before I wake up, go grocery shopping, and spend all day at Nathan & Lauren's to help them out with their film, then go get some more sleep, before I pack for BC, then go pick up Faye and head out to hang out with my Grandparents (and interview them - mostly because I want to - but should this continue, could be the beginnings of a book idea I have) before coming home to sleep again before going to work and then coming home, showering and leaving with Pam for BC to hang out with Sherry at her family's for a week - where there will be, if my guessing is any good, laking and cooking and friend-meeting and praying and story-telling, and joking, and fish-gutting/freezing/packing and lots of breathing, mmmm, breathing, because I won't be home, I can't find me, I can't guilt me or tire me or busy me and there will be a fabulous girl there who is really really good at making me breathe (well except for when she's making me catch my breath).
And don't feel the need to read into this because it's overly dramatic and really I'm just sitting here tired, not stressed, or frustrated. Goodnight.

Taking Some Space

2007-08-12T15:09:00.000-06:00

Hello, it's Sunday afternoon. The sun is shining and if you asked me how I am, I'd probably tell you good. I've just run out of anything to give. It will come back, but for now I've gone into hiding because the thought of most people's voices is daunting. If I'm smart, and I'm going to fight to be, I'll go to bed at 9:00. If I was smarter I'd stay home all afternoon hiding and not even think about going over to my parent's house for dinner. We have lots of people over from church which would normally be exciting and delightful, but sadly I just couldn't handle that right now. Thankfully they're in the front yard or somewhere - I don't know - but it's quiet in my room.

Kevin and Angela were married yesterday. It was glorious. It was hard to get rid of the smile on my face all day. God was definitely not playing hide and seek - it's always fun when he's close and loud and won't go away. Yes he still got me to cry a little.

Now I suppose I could write a very lengthy entry about the whole thing - but I'm tired and before I forget things, I want to try and write about the prayer that happened at the conclusion of the evening.

Now for some reason I think there was 3 passages involved and I can only remember 2 which is unfortunate at the moment.

But between Andy, RJ, Sherry, Pam, Kirk - we should be able to remember more.

But here you go:

Psalm 144:1 (Whole Chapter)
[ [A Psalm] of David. ] BLESSED BE the Lord, my Rock and my keen and firm Strength, Who teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight--

Proverbs 18:21:
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Now I don't actually remember what was said about my hands of war - except that studying passages today (there's two more) it suddenly connected back to previous words about prophetic music.

The death and life in the power of the tongue has been a recurring theme in my life so long that I probably don't even notice it as having unique ramifications for me. God frequently prompts me to say prayers out loud. God frequently chides me when my mouth is used to curse (because it is frequently used that way) - because my tongue has power and I am responsible for what I do with it.
I am very conscious of what I say and what is said at all by anyone - which is why I have such a good memory for conversations. It's why lyrics in music are so important to me. It's why I pause and search for words when you ask me how my day was (last Monday for example was unmotivated and arduous). It's why I'm particular about accuracy in retelling of stories. I've done studies and studies and studies all my life, on my own, about blessings and curses - about speaking and the tongue - about encouragement and building up.

Anyway there was more. There was a picture of me painting a very large canvas. And every time I splashed more colour on it (did you notice that - colour - God made me LOVE colour - sorry) what I painted came to life. Now my paintbrush was my tongue, my words.

Also, the frame for this painting was the body of Christ, the church. And it was broken, separated. As I painted it, it came together. Now the size of this frame was large enough to represent a nation, my nation, Canada.

FAMILY was a word and it was a big one. Hence the capitals. God has heard my prayers. There will be household salvation (Sweet!!!!)

Work - God put me there for a purpose but I won't be there any longer than 2 years. He will be phasing out my role. (Hallelujah! I really need to continue to pray and trust God with that because I ran so far with that one in a few seconds it was crazy)

I am a source of strength for many but I need to remain filled by God to continue in that (I know what you're thinking: duh... but obviously there was a reason God said that so don't mock him).

And that's all I can remember for the moment.
As for other people, I remember lots of things for them, and Sherry in particular I received specific things for and need to do some reading, studying and praying.

Church was great this morning. Oh how I'd missed worshiping with a drum set (some day I'll play drums - just you wait) and very quickly discerned that God was eager for a little dance action and I tried to tell him that I didn't have any moves and maybe he should wait until I learn some but he very swiftly responded with a reminder to be faithful with small things or there will be no learning bigger things, so I got out and enjoyed it. My history with dancing came back to me while out there. Going to camp and singing music that you just can't stand still for - lots of jumping around. Going to rock concerts and getting in the pit. Taking guitar lessons and coming home with the groove of the music lodged in my brain and dancing about in the kitchen. Kyle giving me a funk mix CD and having post Christmas dinner silliness with my sisters in the kitchen. Going to Converge and God steadily prompting me to burst out in some rather chaotic movement. Having dance parties at RJ's. House-sitting for people who have big, slippery, wooden floors. So many times, prayer becomes action for me. And dancing has mostly been that way. It's a tie to the music and my spirit, and more importantly God's spirit.

Anyways, as much as I wish (for all things) that I'm getting better, and am not, I still enjoy moving during worship (and still observe the unchanging and predictable song dynamic of certain people - but whatever).

So let's remember this - I still have TWO rock star drinks in collection now that have been sitting and sitting and sitting for more than 2 years now waiting for me to do a concert.

7 Minutes To Write

2007-08-01T23:53:00.000-06:00

Then it's midnight.

So today I got rather stressed, well, not the rather, but stressed, about all the prep I have to do for camping this weekend and all the obstacles in the way. To relieve this, I have friends, who will help me, by getting me to stay up late and watch Hot Fuzz (and give me a meal itinerary and loan me camping supplies). And hmmm, five minutes to talk as fast as I can when I haven't blogged in ages and all you're going to get is rubbish. How about this. Jason, thanks for the use of your ipod, I finally used it today, driving home, because I finally got a cord to hook it into my car. I had hoped the cord would also allow me to listen to it at work this week while Kyle is gone but no such luck the aux input on the stereo is stupid. The drive home was great, just on shuffle and hearing songs I haven't in a very long time and couldn't predict. PAX 217 was my favourite surprise, the Ipod's favourite was Guardian since they played them twice.
I read Psalm 119 last night. Well actually I didn't finish. I didn't intend to ready very much at all but it kept me going with all its goodness. I read it in the amplified version at work and it wasn't the same - so much tediousness with all the extra details that it lost all the flow and heart, but there were some very interesting things that I noted of significance. "Observe" as in 'observe the law' means so much more, and even "the law" in some situations in the text is meant to be taken as the entire will of God that has been revealed. Which is very personal right now because I have quite a long list of things I know God's revealed to me, and that is almost worth celebrating considering just a very short while ago I stopped eating for a little bit wanting very much to hear him speak. I must be hearing him speak at least a little bit more if I'm picking up on his will. And the grandish part is that it would be a terrible way to measure it anyway because so much more is for other people.
12:02 I'm already late by two minutes.
God bless.
Oh and I've loved - and I mean LOVED reading this last little while too. I've started two (and finished one) books that have both been so much fun reading. Not only are they 'grave' (the french word for gravity that means deep/serious-without the not-fun connotation - because they're definitely fun) but they're so cleverly written. It makes me remember what I enjoy about creative writing. So if you have the chance I recommend It's All Downhill From Here (or something like that) by Andrew Schwab - the vocalist of Project 86, and some new novel by Randy Alcorn, who still includes his little snippits of heaven, but at least so far they've been short and infrequent. Why don't I like them? Well I suppose they convey truths or whatever about it but they're so TERRIBLY dry like cardboard. God has such a flat personality as do everyone else - ugh! Anyway, I'm impressed that the main character is an alcoholic, and I'm impressed with all the infectious writing tone - it makes me wonder how he disconnects. Whatever, I'm writing for myself right now since you won't have a clue what I'm talking about and I'm not explaining it well. 12:08 AM goodnight

Moments With God

2007-07-12T18:18:00.001-06:00

So, it's been a while, and the while has been eventful, and full, and thus I haven't been informing you about it.

Some random thoughts:

For some people, it is the small things that don't matter, and won't be remembered, that mean the most. I thought, how strange a thing is that? But then I thought of my relationship with God. He almost always claims the "favourite part of my day" with just 5 minutes. And I don't remember them for very long, a day or two perhaps, then they disappear. And yet, I suspect they do not disappear at all. They are gradually shaping my spirit, and then my heart and mind and behaviour.

Yesterday's was probably less than 2 minutes. Andy and I were chatting with Sherry (yes the interview/interrogation or whatever you wish the moniker to be). And they both left for just a couple minutes, to grab water or go to the bathroom or whatever. And right away I began praying and God grabbed my heart in his hands and I was in tears. The prayer was of the thankful, loving sort, nothing complicated.
Then they were back and it was over.
Actually there were 3 yesterday. In the morning, I began to have strange thoughts about RJ, and I stopped right away and paid attention to them, and then God revealed that they weren't actually my thoughts at all. They were in fact thoughts that Satan would or was trying to attack RJ with. So I prayed immediately and on break I called him to warn/encourage him (I almost forgot but God reminded me).
And lastly, right before I went to bed, God had me practicing confrontation again. No passivity for me. It was a case of a friend's activity which was brought up in conversation (yes he was there - it wasn't gossip). However this particular activity is not very biblical, but it was treated very casually. And so a quick mental struggle ensued.
You need to say something.
Yeah but I don't want to judge him, it's for moments like these that I'm around to give grace.
Yes and good, but you have permission to bring it up.
So 2 quick questions and a spoken extension of grace and I was asleep.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have a family reunion this weekend. It should be grand.

Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

2007-06-30T01:43:00.000-06:00

Quarter to two, Friday night, long weekend, where do we find Nolan but inside his bedroom. Did he just return from a party perhaps? Yes he did... A cleaning party! That's right while putting away the laundry he finished this evening, he finally had the surge of energy to clean out his closet in its entirety, and then move onto his desk and room in general. It's beautiful. And now he will go to bed and get a nice 8 hours of sleep before a promising Saturday with less to visually remind him that he is disorganized and behind on projects. What could tomorrow hold I wonder. A bike ride? Sunshine? A movie with friends? Some time writing music? That question mark on the last one had better not be. I scheduled it in as important. 2 hours on Saturday. It must be.

Mosly Sentimental

2007-06-28T21:15:00.001-06:00

First of all, you should all look to the right at my links and find Faye's name and click on it. Then you should read a stunning poem about rain. Second of all, it was fitting to read it today after jumping on the trampoline in the rain. Today I started to get into impatience mode after 30 minutes of driving home. The last 15 were less cool, even though Michael Buble was still playing (I've been listening to Sherry's CDs all week).
So I got home, washed my hands and immediately set about preparing supper, which wasn't ready until almost 7:30. It turned out pretty well although I subjected everyone to raised metabolisms again because while trying to pour ground pepper out of a plastic bag, too much fell out.
Mexican & Indian and I wore my sombrero, after I showered, dressed, and 'primped' in 7 minutes. And then I had to leave. It was hot and noisy in the house and I was still in overdrive despite feeling exhausted all morning from lack of sleep (poor decision? no). So I went outside to the trampoline. Yes (rolling eyes) on a full stomach. Does that make it harder? I don't know, I suspect when my stomach started to hurt it was because I'm not in shape, not because I was exercizing. As I recall the whole swimming after eating thing was a myth. Anyway, physical activity is fun, because you can press through when it hurts or when you get tired. I don't know if today's was fun though, as much as calming and emptying. Eventually I took a two minute break and lay down. And then a bird I've never heard before started calling, so I called back, until it wouldn't reply anymore. Then I started jumping again, until the rain started falling. Hooray! How joyous! I was even responsible enough to throw my shirt and sombrero in the house. I had been praying earlier, but more of a breathing cycle, poetic phrasing sort of prayer. The rain was good. It made the trampoline heavy. It left amusing design imprints when I would land on my stomach.
Sherry is home. She arrived Tuesday night. I was off by an hour. I heard the garage door open and jumped out of bed to look outside but saw Jamie's car and assumed it was him. It was not, which was actually what I couldn't help but lie there and suspect. So when there was a knock on my door I jumped out in a flash and threw on some pyjamas before throwing open the door and knocking Sherry out, and making her nose bleed profusely.

Just kidding.
I was a little excited and almost picked her up to throw her through the ceiling but she latched her legs around me and prevented the whole thing. So instead I settled for hugs and resettling 'the spot' in the kitchen, and her head beeing snugged under my chin, and space seizing embraces that say I want you closest.
And after 7 weeks without a glimpse, I was stunned again to see how vibrant she is. How much life her eyes emanate. How absolutely beautiful she is.
Earlier that evening Kirk was over and talked about the eventuality of finding a wife and why that's appealing. He spoke of the intimacy hoped for. The intimacy built on being best friends. Sure he has deep meaningful relationships now, but the time spent with those people is scattered. To have a best friend to grow together with... And I stopped short in amazement, because for years that's how my life has been. Weeks and weeks in between visits with friends though I love them all. But what sort of gift do I now have?
And so I end up praying prayers asking kindly that he would make me into the kind of man she deserves, and I'm sure there's R&B and country songs that do the same, but that's not why.

I learned how to say, "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you. Come home." in French one evening with Pam and Damien. And when I finally had the chance I couldn't remember it because I didn't have it written down with me. Kind of like right now. Je t'aime, je monk. Je ne vitre pas something or another. I'll have to go downstairs and edit this later. Anyway, Sherry quipped that of course I could, since I had the whole time she was gone. But I didn't believe her. Because how can you say I lived without her when she's always there in my head. When every day I got off early seemed confusing because she wouldn't be home to say, "You're home early." When daily memories would still make me catch my breath.

Goodnight.

AM

2007-06-26T07:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Jesus, I woke up earlier today for morning prayer and then got busy with a bunch of errands but I've still got 20 minutes! So I wanted to pray about some of the things you've been up to.
I praise you for last Wednesday night. You were nothing short of incredible and I ate it up! The challenge though was why not more often?
Why do I stay in the first stages of what you revealed?
Why is it that most of the time you're showing me things and speaking, but I miss them? even though I'm conscious of you all the time...
I'm not sure this is the answer, but talking with Jamie yesterday morning was helpful. To try out a simple version of what he shared, and list what is important to me and schedule it in.
It was good to stop, and change the list of what was important into what you've specifically called me to so far.
From that list it was easy to see that most of them get covered quite naturally, but two will be hard and require discipline and work to implement. So God I pray for those two because I suspect they are key to perceiving and understanding what you are doing and saying.
Please Jesus please...
Help me to make solitary time with you in the morning. Help me to be fair and start gradually. Help me to be wise and get enough sleep to be alert. Help me to be disciplined and always persevere.
Help me to make time to write music. Thank you so much for the inspiration that springs up so often, but it's difficult to capture it. And I still don't know what to do about that. I guess I can only try.
Thanks again for pretty skies, and family, and celebrations, and Mexican traditions of slamming faces into cakes while they blow out candles, green growth, herbal gifts, phone calls, work, rest, peaceful drives, music in the car, Melanie across the Ocean, and summer time. I love you lots. You always make me smile too and I notice it now. Super big grins that can't easily be wiped off, several times a day, and I feel you stirring inside me. I like it a lot. It delights me.

Of late

2007-06-09T22:37:00.005-06:00

The last while. Oh the last while. My mind has been swimming in the ocean. Have you done that? It's hard work and oh so tiring and you can be carried along in the direction of its desire rather than what yours might be.
I've been working longer hours and that's been a little taxing. And running around crazy like always and so last weekend I took a breather. It was rather strange. Saturday was so dark, even though there were little, yet strong moments of sunshine. I went outside and read on the front steps from a picture-filled story-telling journal Sherry left me. It was grandish. Then I had a nap in the sun for a tiny bit and got up and went in to the house and barely made it 5 steps before I knew I should re-direct to the couch before I crashed. I woke up at 5:30. I was still drained, just more awake, and so I hung out in my room, catching up on a few of my projects. I made myself a very very late supper of chicken strips and onion rings, and listened to a CD while I fell asleep.

Sunday I woke up a little bit rough, but it was so different. I had energy and motivation and got so much done and was joyful, and then I got a trampoline! I also had evening prayer with Andy and Pam and that was great. It was a sharp turning point. While we were waiting for Andy, I asked Pam if she would pray for me and Sherry. It felt like such a strange thing to ask because I didn't really understand why. So Pam started praying and every word was important and Andy came in half way through and looked up 1 Peter 1 and read it to me. And I wasn't sure about the significance at the time. Or what was behind it, even though he prayed to go along with it. I did know that something immediately shifted in my spirit that night.

I was bursting to talk to Sherry. Which was cool in an odd way. She's been really going after me to talk more, and now I had lots I couldn't wait to say, which actually, is how I usually am. I'm always getting excited about things and telling people. But it's not like yay, now I can solve Sherry needing me to talk more, it was, hmm, pure? good? right? Some word like those.
Challengingly I knew I was booked for the first half of the week. Monday I went over to my parents' to hang out with my family. Tuesday I went out to Cochrane. Wednesday I again hung out with my family. We watched Pirates 3. They've been trying for weeks to match schedules to watch a movie together and equally importantly, Melanie was leaving the next day for her big trip and I really wanted to be there and bon voyage her and pray and give her a hug and such things. I'd actually gotten off work early Wednesday due to the weather and so I tried to call Sherry then but alas she was out at a cafe. Instead I finished my week of prayer stuff.

Thursday. Finally. By now I couldn't believe the week. Amidst all the busyness, God had taken whatever he planted on Sunday and it had grown much larger. Andy's passage got into my spirit and yet again God taught me and showed me and shared the love between me and him and then connected it to Sherry. And it felt like the grinch christmas cartoon heart phenomenon, except mine was in no way small to begin with.
I was ridiculously impatient to get the work day over in the afternoon which had to be watched carefully since there was some frustrations going on and so I was prone to ugliness. Driving home was also increasingly impatient and again, please Nolan, calm down. So I got home and showered and snatched the phone much to Pam and Rebekah's amusement since apparently I was looking good, and maybe Sherry would see it through the phone... But no answer.

Supper was pleasant. Then we went out to DQ and began RJ's D&G. Driving home was fun. Then we continued the D&G after RJ with Pam. Pam is great. So is Ang, who had the perfect response. Then we got to pray. Which was super cool. I couldn't wait for each person to pray. Although while praying for the Blocks I ended up feeling a little, hmm, not out of place, but out of time. As if I wasn't connecting right now, but I would (which I did, the next morning on the way to work). After prayer, RJ asked me if I would cut his hair, which I was perfectly happy to do, but he could see the hesitation in my face, and I told him I wanted to try calling Sherry again, even though it was now quarter to eleven in Quebec. RJ and Andy were both great since they both agreed with me that calling anyway was fine. And so I started with her cell so as to avoid waking other people up, kind of, but no, and then the home phone which only gave me a machine again. And I left a brief message which wasn't very good, but I didn't want to talk to the machine. So then I went and well, then I ate several cookies and jumped on the trampoline a while and then came back and cut RJ's hair which was fun. Then I stayed up late with Andy going over french again.

Friday I was tired and ended up 15 min late to work and in my rush, I locked my keys in my car. So stupid, in a funny laughing at myself sort of way. AMA gave me a 300 minute, yes 5 hour estimate, which meant 3:00. Well I guess I'll be fasting today God. Watch over me because being light-headed and weak while working on the roof seems rather perilous. Kyle however insisted on buying me something when he returned after first break so we went to Tim Horton's and I got a chili & bun. AMA got there before second break after all so I got to eat the tasty salad I'd made myself and yummy yogurt and grapefruit. Then I was lying there and made up a little song in my head with the french words stuck in my head from the day before. Then I realized, I need to write this down because it's fun and I'll never remember it otherwise. So I did. When I came home, I needed to shower and clean up right away to get over to Jono's birthday bbq on time, but who was I kidding? I missed Sherry, and tried to call again. Nope, so off to the BBQ I went. It was so much fun. Smiles and jokes and good food and company all night long. Stayed late and then returned to get some sleep before getting up early to help Ian build a fence in the morning.

No materials so we stalled and went out for breakfast and then hung out and chatted. Ian's such a cool guy. I felt really bad for him, because like it always seems to go with construction, things went wrong and there were lots of annoying snags. Tomorrow after church I will go help him finish before coming home for dinner and the would-be final chapter of D&G. He was talking about how it's been really hard for him and Monica (his wife) to connect for the last while. It's always disarming in a way talking with Ian. He always says a lot of things that make a terrible amount of sense but I don't always have permission to pursue. Lots of other good things that I should do, but yeah wisdom comes out of that boy's mouth - God bless it.

Went off to Jeana's baby shower with RJ. Got to have a great ride out with him. The shower was good. It was fun writing a message in the cover of the children's book I got for Rylee. I thought it was bizarre when one of Jeana's friends saw it and made some comment about it being the best thing she'd ever read like that. Most of it was silly but there was some serious stuff at the end which was mostly a prayer. Oh God, draw her to your heart.

Yay. Then it was off to Jenn's for Ang & Kevin's engagement party the second, of a few. More good times. Chats with several people and great food and then RJ drove us home to relax because we were both quite tired out. And then I blogged. And I suppose I didn't include a great many things I was thinking about this week. So I didn't share the ocean after all, but what can I say, it's an ocean, and I'm sure you have your own, and I need to go to sleep.
God bless Kirk as he speaks tomorrow. Take away the confusing distraction of messy assurance/confidence. Instead bless him as his heart, so closely tied to yours, comes eloquently off his tongue and graces us hearers.

YES! Damien just called, well actually first Erin called, and then 3 minutes later he did, but they both wanted to know the same thing, if the girls made it home OK since they took the wrong turn (they were fine). And so I finally got to find out a nice way of asking for Sherry on the phone in French.

Es ce que je peux parle a Sherry s'il vous plait?

I miss her tellement

Rant

2007-06-09T22:04:00.000-06:00

So today someone asked me if I minded if they smoked a cigar. And I told them not to worry about it. Do I mind? Well yes. I have a very very strong gut level aversion to smoking of all forms. However for a long time I've had the intention to look into the health facts of cigars and shisha vs cigarettes, not because I was interested in starting either, but just because I didn't know. So today I did, and was horrified about the shisha and definitely not impressed with the cigars. So from a more knowledgeable standing, I hate it.
I hate it.
And it irks me, because in the past being in smoky places, has bothered me strongly, but I've done it anyway, especially if it's friends. But really a loud voice yells inside with startling intensity. And it's hard especially with some good friends and good people who enjoy it. But, it's also hard to have relatives die from second-hand smoke cancer and leave behind their wife and three young kids. And an uncle truck driver to have tongue cancer.

While those things are disturbing, it's not what drives the outrage. I think it stems straight from heart-breaking self-destruction, that affects the people around you, and then treating it so lightly. It's fun. It smells good. The buzz. It's not that bad. Fuck you.
That was honest. But it's not good either. Perhaps it's as bad as what I'm so angry about. And it's confusing because I clearly care about you if I get riled enough to be like that. Appropriate response though?

The Ordinary and the Ridiculous

2007-06-07T18:08:00.000-06:00

This is what I submitted for my 'week of prayer'. The people in the Urban Monastery have been taking turns being in charge of a week of prayer and it has taken several different forms. I actually went out and got temporary tattoos for everyone as a visual reminder to pray through these things. Obviously you don't have to do everything. It's an inspirational starting point. The days aren't in a specific order so if you want you can re-arrange them ahead of time if you know which they might suit.

Day MMMMMmmmm:

Music – Listen to a CD, or the radio, or yourself singing. Listen while you are driving, or working, or standing in the kitchen. Pray. Dance, Jesus will love it. Pay attention to the lyrics – pray in response: emotional intercession or romantic praise or quizzical musings. Ignore the lyrics (or make up your own) – thank God for great music and pray for the musician

Read 13 verses (M is the 13^th letter in the alphabet) from any of Malachi, 13 words Melchizadek said, or 13 poems about the Moon. You can even read 13 pages from a book you're already reading. Pray. Make an improvised over-dramatic play to illustrate what you read. Re-read it with silly (or morose) voices until you smile (or cry), Jesus will too, I promise.

Movie – Watch a movie, by yourself or with friends. At the theatres or in your basement. Eating popcorn or sitting upside down. Pray. Who do the characters remind you of? Which pair of shoes do you think God liked the best? Was there any social injustices you can cry about?

Eat a muffin. Experience God's kingdom come to earth as it is in heaven. Thank God for blueberries or chocolate or zucchini or bananas and whoever made the muffins and for their eye colour, because it's rather grand of God to make different eye colours.

Responsibility Day:

Cooking – Pick up groceries, browse through a cookbook, cut your finger chopping onions, yell when you burn dinner. Pray. Thank God you get to eat food every day. Thank God that sometimes you don't have to cook your own meals and that other people do it for you. Thank God you still have all your fingers. Thank God that he doesn't get too scared while you yell and scream and that he still loves you.

Cleaning – Wipe the counter, vacuum your car, iron your kitten's shirt, discover the floor. Pray. Take a picture, it might never be clean again, and then ask God if he did that before he made pigeons. Ask God to bless whomever might be appreciative that you're cleaning. Ask God to bless children in orphanages who might never get to be clean and to bless parents who adopt. Pray for protection against the toxins in the vim you're still using up before you switch over to Andrea's Mamoomka brand.

Errands – Do something on your to-do list. Get an oil change. File something. Go shopping. Prepare a week of prayer with multi-colours and dollar-store give-aways. Pray. Thank God that he is with you, holding your hand, keeping you company, watching over you. Tell him you can't wait until heaven when you get to be married. Offer him a treat, perhaps a coffee slurpee? You can't see him? Well fine, give it to that guy washing people's windows. He's busy? Fine, invite him over for dinner later.

Pretty Bum Day:

Walk or bike somewhere instead of driving. The bank, the store, JLYS, the backyard. Pray. Thank God for the smells, the sunshine (or the rain). Pray for shops and homes you pass. Smile and say hello and God bless to people you pass. Listen. Ask God to speak about the UM. Ask him for someone to focus on for a week.

Go to the gym, or a pilates class, or a non-spectating sporting event. Do an extra lap, or 10 push-ups before you go to bed. Pray. Thank God that life is a struggle. Thank God that he made you beautiful and that you haven't contracted diabetes yet from eating 6 cookies when you got home yesterday. Speaking of which...

Make a healthier food choice. Eat porridge without sugar. Eat a salad with lots of vegetables. Skip desert. Drink water instead of juice. Pray. Thank God that you don't always get what you want. Contemplate that most people don't. Thank God for will-power to resist, sin and chocolate bunnies. .

The Day of Chill:

Make yourself a smoothie. Have a bubble bath. Watch Seinfeld. Go lie on the trampoline in your bathing suit. Sleep in. Turn off your cell phone. Light candles at dinner. Put on slippers. Pray. Whisper something unintelligible but friendly the first 3 times you wake up. Thank God for silence and then stop thinking. Thank Jesus that he rested, and that he told you to too.

Amnesia Day:

Forget to pray. Be busy and crazy and hectic. Don't worry about it. God was with you the whole time and he already knew it was going to happen and he said to tell you he thinks you're wonderful and not to worry about it.

Making Money:

You have to do it. You might like it. You might hate it. You might wish you were better at it. You might wonder how you will do enough of it. You might spend much more time than you'd prefer doing it. Pray. Ask God to help you today before you start. Ask God to reveal himself to your co-workers. Ask God to interrupt you several times to chat. Ask God to show you the calling on your life. Ask God to help you figure out a better means of paying bills. Thank God for where you are right now. Give some of what you made away.

Shooting The Breeze:

Call your Mom. Have a DTR (define the relationship). Ask a child random questions, like where they would put an extra eye if they had one and listen to their answers. Compliment your cashier or waiter. Tell your friends cheesy jokes. Stab someone in the face, verbally. Pray. Ask forgiveness for not calling your Mom sooner. Tell Jesus you think it's wonderful that he match-makes. Thank God you're not a parent yet. Tell him you hope you have 5 children when you are. Ask for someone's salvation. Beg him to send his Holy Spirit to minister healing and understanding and love and forgiveness and break down hardened hearts and open eyes and to fulfill Jesus' prayer for unity.

Do I Ever Think Out Loud?

2007-06-02T10:49:00.001-06:00

[Sherry STOP! This thing is as long as a book, but if you want, you should refrain from reading it, and call me up and make me read it to you. Won't that be fun? An hour or so of me talking and I'll even be mean and not let you interrupt me.]

Sherry asked me yesterday on the phone. I said yes, but the question rolled around in my head for the next hour or more.

It almost makes me choke (the kind of choking that leads to tears when you're overtired, but I'm not) because it's tied to so many things and I don't know where to start.

OK the lighter side first. I walked to the bank and back while thinking about this, and then I helped Pam with gardening since she asked, and she said it would make me feel better, which was a rather prophetic thing to say because it did. Anyway, while going inside to put some stuff down and find bug spray etc. I was talking to myself and realized it as I was walking back out and stopped and laughed. I talk to myself all the time which is precisely thinking out loud. So the obvious answer is of course yes.

I also polled Pam, Kirk, and RJ just for fun. Kirk voted that I don't talk enough. He likened me to God who is smart and thus Kirk appreciates what he has to say, but he has some sort of funky currency for how he talks and so sometimes he's silent and other times he uses varied ways to communicate, but again I got an emphatic, "say more!"

Pam's answer was ironic because she said that sometimes I do what Pam likes to call, "the Sherry Victor," where I give people a blank stare. I wasn't especially concerned about Pam holding to my need to talk more. I'm not sure why, but I end up seeing Pam quite a bit, relative to the house, mornings or after work or whatever and end up chatting.

I kept interrupting RJ with the blender and we were joking around but then he refused to answer, so he doesn't get a public opinion, even if it was a good one.

I suppose I should have asked God what he thinks, and I guess I'll give you a story for this part for now. When I was leaving to go to the bank, I passed Ang, who upon seeing me, apologized to someone on the phone (because she'd thought I already left). So I lay in the grass and let the ants crawl on me and forgot that there were mosquitoes about while I waited. And while lying there I wondered what I might say. I still felt empty, though peaceable. And I think I might have prayed something like God help. He said I should pray with her on the phone. He'd mentioned this at some earlier point too.
So towards the end of the phone call, it came back and before I brought it up, I realized, I'm empty. I don't know how to pray right now. Right about then Sherry interrupted my thoughts by asking me what I was thinking. She had already said she needed to go, her friends were waiting for her, but then she'd started talking about her dreams.
First I was tempted to ask about her dreams, but wait, I really want to pray before she left, since God had suggested it, so yes, that's what I'll do, except I had nothing to say for/to God.
This is an excellent excellent example of what happens a lot in my brain. There is a decision to be made, but there is a distraction that I can't resolve and I get stuck.
I really appreciate friends who so often get me past this hiccup. RJ has been doing this for 5 years and it's great.
The brain freeze happens at work all the time and gets me very frustrated, mostly if Kyle isn't around, but even when he is, if it's something I should be able to resolve quickly but don't.

Sherry commented, isn't it great how fast one can think? And I answered sure. Sure because I've often marveled at such things. But it's not very helpful for communication. If I look at what I've written above, which I have a couple of times, there are ridiculous numerous branches, where my brain has taken off on a different direction, except I have to finish off my first thought or it will lose the point or the emphasis. My brain isn't linear. It jumps around with connections. So if I could hyperlink a whack of words from within a single paragraph and then go give each of them their own paragraph, it would better represent how I'm actually thinking, but it's scary because I can think really quickly (when my brain isn't frozen, but even then it's revving, just not productively) and there could be a dozen paragraphs and each of those could have a dozen paragraphs, and they have immediate connections to past conversations and events and people and places and songs and smells and tastes and I can experience those connections in all of their dimensions in a tiny fraction of a second. Each one an entity, and I can't really see them as if it were a vision, I'm just aware they're there. It's like each one is a person with their own identity and personality.

So how do you think out loud?

I often talk to myself in the morning: Focus Nolan! Make your lunch. But I won't even turn around to get to the fridge before my brain's occupied with a hundred things.
I don't know how other people's brains work. But man, mine makes me wonder if it talks to itself out loud for things that everyone else's is on silent autopilot for. And then it has the nerve to ask me my opinion on everything.
So sometimes it's nice to be so worn out and tired from being so busy, because then I'm too tired to notice the thousand things lurking below the surface. I can turn it off and ignore them, or at least make it less frantic. It's much harder to do that when I'm alone, although writing can be a bit of a concentrated outlet. I prefer people though, and it can be very relaxing to listen to you. Because although my brain is still multi-tasking, playing with what you say, at least it's engaged in a single train of thought, because you can only talk to me about one thing at a time.
At least until you ask me a question. And then yes, I'll give you a stare, while my brain explodes in several directions. And I'm left confused because sometimes none of those are answers. They're explorations and research and more questions. And they're demanding specifics. Begging you to refine your question. Narrow it down so I can eliminate all the extraneous. And I wish I was a big picture kind of person. I assume those people can spread all of their thoughts out like a map and compare them. Mine however are a jumbled up pile of details, definitely not laid out and neatly organized and sorted for ease of analysis.

Maybe that's why it's so relaxing when everything around me is organized. My brain has less to do.

So, new poll, am I crazy?
I'm going to go first and say no. I'm too happy most of the time to be crazy. I only bottom out a dozen times a year, and in between when I start to slip, it takes very little to boost me up.

It should be stated that I don't think I'm a genius or anything like that. When I say my mind goes off in a hundred directions, please don't think of Ted Dekker's book Blink, as if I can see all possible outcomes. I might be thinking of a lot of things all at the same time, but that doesn't mean that any of those are especially smart or good thoughts. Again, I really appreciate friends because frequently they'll say things that are so simple and, good, and they never entered my head.
I'll also say that I can get so annoyed with my brain, especially while driving, because it can focus on and think to death the most banal subjects. Ugh! Can't I think about something more interesting or worthwhile?

Oooh ooh, and as if this wasn't already a book, I've come back to add another bit. Somehow this might be connected to why I really like activity. Singing for example. It's taking my focus and putting it on music, and on a task. I'm still just as distracted with other thoughts and the things going on around me, but at least I've limited my brain a bit and it can't think to the same magnitude.
And sleep is always a good thing. It makes me much sharper. Duh.

Right, and I never finished my story about God.
So after Sherry asked me what I was thinking and I gave her the short run-down. Well, actually I think that's when she asked me question, and then she moved on to her dreams, which I thought was kind of funny since, in my head I had opted for prayer. Anyway there was some sort of awkward bit of conversation after that about whether or not I would pray. I was probably quiet a few moments because I still couldn't pray. So I think she asked me if I was going to, and I wavered, frustrated, and then said yes, because it was right and I had to.
So then I started and the prayers came. It was actually kind of shocking in a very pleasant way. I prayed about Chasey and somethings that had registered a little bit during his grad ceremony. I thanked God for my Dad's eyes doing good and a couple other things. But it sounded good. I won't explain this well enough. Sherry and God both got what they wanted because I was thinking out loud. None of that had been preconceived before I said it. It hadn't been rolling around in my head wondering how it would look when it finally came out. Yes it was about things that had happened earlier in the day, and specifically thoughts that had occurred earlier that day, but I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, and I hadn't thought of them since.

So I guess I'm trying to tell you I enjoyed it too. Instead of an exercize in tripping over myself trying to verbalize something that's been eluding me for the last ten minutes in my head. Something I'm sick or bored of already. Something that will feel hollow and thin and cheap to say out loud (insert hyper-link to old nickname from Nathan: Nolan non-repeating Archer). It was fresh and new and interesting to hear come out of my mouth.

Sherry's Phonetically Translated Post Translated By Nolan

2007-06-01T17:50:00.001-06:00

I am that person... you know the one

Okay random... everything I type is changing into a different language on the screen right before my eyes and I don`t know what language it is... it looks like some Indian language perhaps?? I am not sure if my blog will come out in English or something foreign to us all. Hooo boy! we`re in for a surprise puyet itar.
I was just going to say that I am the person that we have all encountered in Canada who is learning English, the one who doesn't yet have all of the tenses correct and says things like, "I am went to the store (using the word that means a grocery store) yesterday for to bought soy me for"... or something like that!! I have said some pretty funny things I am pretty darned sure. I was trying to tell my French "mom" who is a 37 year old hot, chique, cool woman, that she is welcome to come to Calgary anytime!! what I ended up saying was that she is welcome sometimes - not anytime... just sometimes... like perhaps only on Sundays. Anyhow... we all laughed until we couldn`t breathe and then some more. More like until I almost peed my pants. So funny. But.... nechsassito!!! Anyhow... I`m out like trout. later skaters.

[wasn't sure about puyet itar or nechsassito, but nechsassito should be a word. It looks like lots of fun]
No I will not translate anyone else's posts if you go into your global settings and turn on the Hindi button. Manually converting every word and then figuring it out might have been fun this time... but nechsassito!!!
Note: chique and soy were dubious conversions.

Sherry's Hindi post, translated phonetically by blogger

2007-06-01T17:36:00.000-06:00

ई eum thaat parason...yoo knov the van...

okay random...yeverything ई taaeep is changing into अ diphpherent language on the skriin raaeet bephore may yeyes nd ई don`त knov vahat language it is...it lookas like som indiyan language perhaps?? ई eum not sur iph may blog vil kom aaut in inglish or something phoren to us al। hooo boy! vii`re in phor अ surprise puyet itar। ई vaas just going to say thaat ई eum the parason thaat vii have al lenkoutnered in kanaadaa vho is liirning inglish। the van vho desan`त yet have al ophthe tenses korrecht nd says things like, "ई eum vent to the stor (using the vard thaat maans अ grosary stor) yesterday phor to bought shoye me phor"... or someting like thaat!! ई have said som pretty phunny thiin jas ई eum pretty darned sur। ई vaas trying to tel may phrench "mom" vho is अ 37 year old hot, chik, kool vooman, thaat she is velkome to kom to kaalgaary anytime!! vahat ई inded up saying vaas thaat she is velkome sometimes। not anytime...just sometimes...like perhaps onalii on sundays। anyhov...vii al loughed until vii kouldan`त breathe nd then som more। more like until ई almost ped may pants। so phunny। but....nechsassito!!! anyhov...ई`म aaut like trout। letar skaters.

Extracting to Examine the Empty

2007-05-31T22:28:00.000-06:00

I felt the need to write earlier, although now, not as much, but still I shall.

Pulling apart the whole to connect pieces differently.

Blue Milk. This morning I opened the fridge and glanced in the door, some strange juice, rest of the fridge... no milk, second glance in the door, that is the milk... I then laugh out loud and exclaim, they're awesome, and then apologize to Jamie who walks around the corner since I realize I am being loud early in the morning. It turned my puffed wheat and sliced bananas blue too.

My Dentist appointment today went well. I have great teeth, however upon having some x-rays, just in case, there is decay going on and I need 4 fillings. So next week and 3 weeks later I get to come back. That wasn't the exciting part. I enjoyed asking about the Fluoride treatments and learning about them, because, I like learning things. The significant part though is that this was the last day for them in that office. I have been going there since I was four years old I'm sure. The receptionist knows and likes my whole family. It was her last day since she is retiring. The dentist will retire shortly after a brief transition period to his friend's practice. It was their last day, and I missed praying for them. I kind of said goodbye and stuff, and then she wished me luck, and I didn't even give them a God bless. Why not? So as I was driving away, I said sorry because I missed it, and then I prayed for them anyway.

Starry-Eyed-Surprise by Paul Oakenfold is a great song. I can picture being at Converge one evening and James let me listen to it on his mp3 player, and it was probably during a sermon or something downstairs, and I was leaning up against a wall, and grooving to the music. Because dancing is one good way to worship God. I found the CD super cheap in Seattle and it made its way to my stereo today. That song probably made its way to my stereo a couple of times, and I danced, rather enthusiastically in my seat. And I thought to myself, I really enjoy dancing while driving. And remember, dancing is one good way to worship God.

I didn't need to bring a shirt to work today. It was that warm the whole time. On the one hand I think, mmmm this is when it's hard to complain about my job. On the other hand it scares the hell out of me knowing that winter will return all too quickly.

90.3 FM is a great radio station. It is probably the first great radio station I have ever listened too. They have a big enough playlist that they don't feel the need to repeat songs 5 times a day, every day. In fact after listening to them for a week, I continue to hear songs I have never heard before, artists I have never heard before, and they're good songs. They also seem to play more music than other stations because I barely notice the commercials.

Matt Good was apparently diagnosed as having Bi-polar disorder. He has a new CD coming out this summer. A few weeks ago I became re-fixated with his Avalanche CD. It is a good album, although tragic. But it sparks ponderment.

I randomly thought of Jenn whilst driving home and called her up to see how she was doing. She was busy with a bingo but not busy enough to keep her from asking me how I was doing and what I was up to this weekend. She then recommended that I be a jerk and become less popular, and learn to say no to people. It sounded like Jesus.

He talked today too. During prayer tonight, people were taking turns praying, and Rebekah was praying for Jamie and prayed that he would never lose his imagination or dreams of what he really wanted. And I self-focusedly thought, what is in my imagination and dreams? And I thought of old things like prophesying to a million people. So I said, I want to do that God. Then I thought, no wait - I'm exhausted and drained right now - maybe not. Maybe I just want to be selfish and hear you talk to me for me. Maybe I just want to imagine us being really close friends. Maybe I should take more time to listen to you because I love it when you speak. Then I thought, why can't I listen right now while we're praying? So I stopped and listened. And I heard birds singing. And then I remembered that birds singing was a sign between me and God, and it's one of his ways of saying I love you. And I thought, aw, how sweet. Thanks. Then I prayed out loud thanking him and the bird stopped singing for 5 minutes, and I was mildly amused like it had just been for me, but after people started praying again the birds resumed singing.

I came home and avoided talking to people. I went straight for a cold shower. Then I avoided stewing and went straight for the kitchen because eating is a good way to stave off grumpiness. Then I got caught up in the fun of thanking people for blue milk and eating pizza that had been baked on wax paper. Lots of good things. But I knew I was still very drained. Empty. RJ knew something was wrong and asked, but I couldn't say what was wrong. I wasn't sure yet. And I don't like being down with other people. Because usually it will pause and wait or even go away around other people.

I wrote Sherry a super quick email today. Quick because I didn't have any time. But it irked me. Because I would rather have not been empty and came up with clever compliments. Instead I was honest and wrote, I am empty. Which I really didn't want to. Because who wants to write things and then not explain them.

I made myself a slushie. It was just going to be ice cubes and a frozen Five Alive, but Andy gave me a prickly pear present. It was nice. It was so hot in our house.

I am not good at relaxing. I operate in high gear all the time. I have a hundred things on my to-do list and a hundred more that I can't remember right now. I'm pretty good at ignoring those things because it's not healthy to be a workaholic, but I'm still not very relaxed because I know what needs to get done, and what I want to get done - because a lot of those things are also from the abundance of creative ideas I have. Andrea recently saw The Science Of Sleep and loved it. Finally someone gets me! She exclaimed. I really liked that movie too.

I do not take criticism well. I think it's because I am scarily self-critical. And I also criticize myself all the time from other people's point of view. So even if you aren't criticizing me. I've had you doing it in my head. And it builds up until if you do say something, even if it's small, it really hurts. It's not fair, and it's not healthy.

So my emptiness. Hmm, well it kind of feels as if I were in a garbage compactor. And normally that would be stressful as it closes in and the pressure mounts. But I'm too tired and spent to act very stressed, so I pretend I can't see any garbage, and then it doesn't need to be compacted. But it whispers.

I need to wake up at 5 and it's after 11. Half day tomorrow! Chasey's grad tomorrow! Pizza for breakfast and possibly a smoothie made in the furnace room tomorrow!

Time and Children

2007-05-24T10:43:00.000-06:00

"This is what I have seen to be good: it is fitting to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of the life God gives us; for this is our lot. Likewise all to whom God gives wealth and possessions and whom he enables to enjoy them, and to accept their lot and find enjoyment in their toil - this is the gift of God. For they will scarcely brood over the days of their lives, because God keeps them occupied with the joy of their hearts."

"With many dreams come vanities and a multitude of words; but fear God."

"There is nothing better for mortals than to eat and drink, and find enjoyment in their toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God; for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?"

"Go, eat your bread with enjoyment, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has long ago approved what you do. Let your garments always be white; do not let oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that are given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might"

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

Time is key. There is always tension for time, and that is essential.

Andy wrote me a brief note saying hi to everyone from sunny Malta with Marty & Kari, and that he had been praying for me and Time kept coming up.
How appropriate since I had been praying about it that very day.
But I'm no smarter yet, except that prayer last night was precious and the times I quiet myself and listen and give God my focus are rewarding to say the least.
I'm off to Seattle, now as 4 instead of 2.
I had today off even though I didn't think the weather warranted it. I was however mysteriously bagged and still feel like it even though I went back to bed this morning for awhile.

Want to hear my half-conscious thoughts from lying in bed? Well you can't because I don't have my microphone or my computer set up to record, and I don't have a time machine to go back, and I wasn't talking out loud then anyway.

I think, after investigating new music again, that I still crave to hear music that fits me. And so I thought about how sad it is that The Juliana Theory is no more, but there is a time for everything, and then I thought about my prophetic words in California, and how I probably won't ever hear music that fits me until I create it, and then I thought about timing, and how I still don't have the drive to learn everything I need to in my spare time, and then I thought of JLYS and hanging out with the kids, and wondered if music might possibly hold their attention for ten minutes, obviously we would need to have actions, and then I thought, even if it couldn't (those kids are wild, and I'm well aware of the natural craziness of children), all things are possible with prayer, and it's pandemonium anyway, so why not a musical gong show for a little bit? Maybe it's time Ryan got his groove, and taught the kids how to dance (private joke because Ryan stoutly doubts his ability to ever dance). Maybe it's time the kids taught Ryan how to dance.
Kids are great though. Baharen asked me how old I was about 5 times (we played guessing games sometimes and he guessed 20, older, 61, younger, etc...) but by the end of the night he had memorized my age at 23, and Ryan's at 28. While for some reason I don't think Ryan is 28, that is what he said yes to when asked, so that's what Baharen memorized.
He also sat in my lap during story time (don't you dare picture a bunch of quiet kids sitting around listening, instead picture that likely zero of those kids caught any of the story, but did catch Kyler yell a cheer at the end and ask if the kids would love their siblings more now).
I gave piggy back rides during doctor dodgeball. I swung kids around in circles until their feet tingled and their shoulders almost popped. I NEEDED the water at snack time. I entertained 5 kids' attention at the same time including watching Ashley tap dance, without tapping shoes, but still being remarkably loud and frenetic with her heeled dress sandals and playing dodgeball (after dodgeball was over) with one boy who made me do jumping jacks if I got hit.

I know what you're thinking - that's why he's bagged this morning. Well, hmm, I don't believe that, but I don't have any other suggestions.

Go enjoy something.

oh and all the quotes were from Ecclesiastes.

Pinch Me

2007-05-21T14:55:00.000-06:00

I went rock climbing with Ian on Saturday and upon hearing that I was dating Sherry he asked if I was saving up for a ring yet.
On Sunday while delivering fridges RJ commented from a discussion he'd had with someone else about how he was mentally preparing himself for me being married next summer.

And somehow it triggered something.

I remember driving to work at some point in the last two weeks. I can picture the road and the bend and the trees. When a random thought came along and hit me. God's given me an awesome gift. I am dating an incredible girl. And the thought wanted to turn around and run. As if it weren't allowed.
I wasn't sure what was going on in my head but I chased some notions.
The significant other thing is a big deal, for everyone. If you keep it at arm's length for a long time; if you resolve not to force it to happen, to go hunt it down; if you trust that God will bring it along in his good timing and choice, when he does, perhaps you don't know quite what to do with it. Perhaps you're to used to thanking God that he will bring her along, and you need to break the habit of using the word will.

Or perhaps you question whether you're allowed to say it's arrived. You don't want to jinx it by rejoicing too early. After all, I dated someone else for over a year before she decided she'd never loved me. Tragedies befall other people. Their hearts get broken. Who am I to assume I should escape such commonalities.

At such humbling 'looking down' moments I am so very glad of God. That he gives me counsel, and I trust him. Because when your brain finally grasps that what is to come, you are totally unprepared for, it's good to know someone who is, is holding your hand.

Good Listening

2007-05-20T22:43:00.000-06:00

So yet again I received a comment on being a good listener today. First of all, I'm not half as good as I'd like to be. Second of all, I'm sure it stems from so many people being bad listeners, so my motivation could be all twisted. So when I receive related comments about not talking very much, it makes me think of how many times people only listen to what you're saying, waiting for something or some way they can interject. So I suppose waiting is all wrong in that last statement. They don't wait at all. They interrupt as fast as they can with their own story or opinion. But I guess you're lucky if you can find people who will do that. Lots of other people will not let you get any comments in and will hog all attention for as long as there's opportunity. Still more people will make you feel the worst by glazing their eyes when you get into your second sentence letting you know they couldn't care less about what you have to say, and depending on how loud they're feeling, they will either walk away and leave you to cry, or pretend you don't exist and start talking over top of you.

All this to say, that if I'm a good listener occasionally, and I will let you talk on and on and listen to all you have to say, what will God do? He'll probably do something similar if he's not angry with you, which is why I don't hear him as much as I could; it's hard for me to shut up while praying. As for that angry thing, well I just read the first half of Ezekiel out loud today (no I'm not super Bible boy, Jason asked me to in support of a group of international intercessory people who are reading the Bible in a week as a group - then on Wednesday they're reading it in an hour), and sometimes when people come to consult the prophet to inquire of God, God asks intimidating questions. Questions like, "will I answer to them when they have brought idols into their hearts?" Then he has a couple of answers to his own questions. Sometimes he says no I will not. Other times he says yes I've got something to say - Repent!

Musical Lures, 'Hobbies', and a Kit Kat moment

2007-05-19T22:46:00.000-06:00

http://www.tweakheadz.com

The itch, oh the itch.

Last week Nicoletta asked me what I do when I'm not working. I thought about it, and I say, "yes." People call me up or I run into them, and they ask me questions. The answer is always yes. Can you help me with? Want to go here? Those sorts of questions. And I know a lot of people. Hence I am never without a supply of questions that I can say yes to. The outcome is a relatively unscheduled life that is always busy. So basically, work, then chores/responsibilities, then yes dictate my time. Actually chores/responsibilities often falls after yes. I don't know if a lot of people's lives look like this or not. But mine has been this way a long time, and I don't know if I could change it.

Today I got to Wicked Gravity to buy climbing shoes and there was an out to lunch be back at 1:30 note. How refreshing to see such a note! Those kinds of things can still happen in Bowness. So what should I do with my unexpected 30 minutes? I will go for a walk in the direction of that hill over there and talk to God about my Monday Doom & Gloom discussion. So I prayed and asked him to bring to mind the things that have bothered me about the house in the last year. I really enjoyed the walk, the greenness, the houses I passed, the peace, God speaking. It was a nice 30 minute break. So close shop today and make someone's day.

Ministry of Holding One's Tongue

2007-05-17T22:18:00.001-06:00

Heart filling with hate, then renewed, filled again with God's love

2007-05-16T21:38:00.000-06:00

OK, so normally (forget normal - my previous intentions were) I should be jetting to bed, but I felt God reminding me of establishing things through writing, so I'm going to try and get some of the last two days down here.

Yesterday, Tuesday was a bad day. I'm not quite sure why, the weather was nice enough, I got to listen to Peter & The Wolf on the classical station at work (my personal highlight), nothing was wrong. However I felt bombarded with negative thoughts. I hated myself. I'm a terrible framer. I would fire me if I was on the flip side for spacing out and taking too long and still making dumb mistakes on a frequent basis. Mosquitoes are evil and alive. Driving was an exercize in anger. Thinking about the house and the um, I was getting depressed and bleak too. Upon arriving home, I let a note on the board irk me, and I angrily set about doing dishes. All this time I was fighting it. I knew it was bad and wrong and that I needed a whole lot of opposite. I keep listening to Avalanche by Matt Good, and I have a lot of appreciation for that album, I don't think I used to. It's very good though his happiness is still a tragic sort.
There were good thoughts in there too. For instance I thought about house dinners and how I miss them being better attended, and more organized. But then I thought, even if it's only RJ around, they're still worthwhile.
Anyway, I stayed on target thanks to the help of some friends and went to bed at 9. Yes, nine. Unimaginable to be sure, which is why when I woke up the first time, perhaps at 1:30 AM or so, I thought it was time to get up. Thankfully it was not.
OK I need to speed along this process. RJ snoring crazy. Dreams. Wake up again. Turn on vapourizer. Dream some more. Get up. Breakfast/morning stuff alone, weird, since Pam was not around. Had a Delirious song stuck in my head and eagerly grabbed some of their CDs for driving. Dropped off RJ. Enjoyed King or Cripple. Prayed. Prayed that God would renew my mind. Recognized that Tuesday was a spiritual attack of sorts, that I've felt that before and that I have to press in with thanksgiving and that other people were facing the same thing.
Today was good. Maybe some of that can be attributed to extra sleep and having bug spray. But I was still tired and sick as far as the extra sleep goes. And I still hate mosquitoes. Maybe I was looking forward to JLYS. But no, it was more than that. Much more. It was God renewing my mind. Which was good. So while previously I was thinking about asking the house for prayer. By the time I talked to Kirk, I was ready to pray. Yes I talked to Kirk and fancy that but he was dealing with a few similar symptoms. So after JLYS, which I thoroughly enjoyed, we came back, had some blackberry gelotti(sp?) (yes this is the 5th day of cheating on my no desert month) and prayed. I started listening while Pam showed off her hat to Andrea, and had a few things already when Kirk started praying. I always enjoy when he prays. Today was no exception. And now, this is important. This is why I wanted to write in the first place. What did I pray? Because God led me through things. The prayer was alive.
I prayed that he would have discernment. That he would recognize the things of God and the things that are not, but most importantly that God would give him supernatural wisdom to understand the things that are both, because they're mysterious and require divine understanding.
I prayed that the words of Christ would rule in his heart and that the peace that comes from Christ would guide him. That as he looks at the different activities and pieces of his life, that Jesus would share his thoughts and opinions on the matter. That God would teach Kirk to recognize that peace, so he doesn't confuse it with himself settling on a matter for awhile.
I prayed for protection. Faith will be needed in every battle. Not how much, in whom. Which always connects me to the helmet of salvation. Jesus is our salvation. The helmet is for our head. I thanked God that he is the head of the relationship. The scripture out of Ephesians 5 was at play in my spirit. He is the leader, the organizer, the instigator, the visionary. The father, the husband, looking after his family and friends.

I prayed about the UM and the house. Right off the bat God reminded me that they were his ideas. Oh yes, I remember the vision/thing in Brighton for the house. I remember his work and smiles revealing his involvement behind the UM itself.
Ah, what a relief. He will see them through. He will be creative.
I prayed that we would be attentive to what he has to say, and obedient. John 17 came back again. Jesus' prayers for us. That the world would recognize him because of our love for one another. That we would be as close and tight, as to be compared with the trinity. That we would be that close to God.

Kirk prayed a great many good things too. We'll see if he remembers them and/or writes them down.
I however need to go brush my teeth and go to sleep. I finished Andrea's bookshelf today. Hooray.
RJ had a vision and journaled it down and shared it with us. It was encouraging and comforting to me. My favourite part was when he talked about Jesus opening his eyes again and they had love in them that came out.
You have wonderful eyes. And you look at me.
How could I not love you when you do that?

Fleur Pour Mercredi (read: No Andy, I don't have tongues yet, just pictures)

2007-05-13T01:13:00.000-06:00

Today I woke up and got into my car, and spent a long time inside it. Yes, I always wondered what it would be like to be a professional courier, and today my curiousity was satiated. Actually I'm not sure I really wondered too much about that, but if I had, now I would know. I worked from about 9 AM to about 8:30 PM, and made 25 deliveries, one of those deliveries I got to do twice, and I got to do a phantom delivery too. I ran into the glitches of addresses not existing, and condo maze madness, and flower pot water leaking all over my car. All in all it was a good day though. I mean basically I cooked in my car all day with lots of pretty smells, and making women happy, except when I had to deliver flowers to neighbours since the recipient wasn't home and then they got their hopes up and dashed. I listened to the CD Sherry made me twice, and several other CDs. I ate a donair. I ripped open my injured finger on my seat belt and got to buy band-aids in a near by gas station while sucking on the blood spurting finger. I pondered things and called people a bunch arranging art project production, and hang out time, and an impromptu birthday party. I drank two slurpees. I got very angry and frustrated and impatient, and then had to cool down and pray and thank and praise, and then go back to being frustrated again, etc. Which is why my art project will be so personal. Four letters embossed underneath duct tape covering my mouth. That piece will get done tomorrow. The other two I did tonight. I got Trevor and Melissa to model for my Biting My Tongue exhibit, and Nathan and Jono modeled for the hot gossip shots.

I got to see a rough edit for half of Nathan's short film that he did a little while ago. He wants me to do the music for it too. Which is one of my goals for the next 6 weeks. I have oodles of projects for the next 6 weeks. Some of them are tied to why I have 6 weeks to work on projects, so I won't talk about them, but others include, getting sleep (so far no good), strengthening my knee more (yes my exercize bike is finally ready), writing & recording music, lectio divinas, getting a hair cut, going to Seattle with RJ, rock climbing, hiking, biking, camping, probably working long hours, rule of life building, hanging out with friends and family, eating more grapefruits, JLYSing, singing, writing, cleaning my room and filing, fasting, reading.

So most of those really aren't projects, but I'm tired, and I need to wake up in time to go do a photo shoot before I head up to party with my grandma on her 80th.

Haze

2007-04-27T23:32:00.000-06:00

It is now 11:32 PM Friday night and I am at home and the house is virtually empty. Soul Sister, Brown Sugar, by the Commodores is playing (following MxPx's Doing Time). My throat isn't fairing well, but it is definitely scoring points for coming through because I could still sing with Andy in the car coming home from 'band practice'. That Andy, so wild, would you believe he went four by fouring in a borrowed car with guitars and amps inside?

It was a good night. We dropped off Ryan at the airport, then stopped at Morgan's (I think?) some restaurant in Andy's vintage stomping grounds in the North (not that he'd been there before). I had jambalaya and listened to Andy, and got a phone call from Jason which resulted in Andy causing a scene in the restaurant laughing so hard, which was doubly funny for me because Jason was dying on the phone too. Playing guitar is always pretty grand, and playing with three people who are far more talented than yourself makes it better. RJ got me presents. You'd think this was my birthday and not his next weekend.

"God he gave you a voice, then use it." - Lullaby for the New World Order by Matt Good
It's playing right now, and wow, what a line.

Breathless

I had a clever line in mind driving home today.
It's gone now, and trying to write anything vaguely poetic isn't helping, or happening.
I only blow out blood into kleenex today.

Oh how do I explain life right now?

I've noticed that I often think I feel busy, and behind. If I had a minute I would write down my To Do list and then it would help me remember it and I wouldn't have to drain my brain power remembering the things I need to focus on. Today I thought, hmm what if I had all day tomorrow to play catch up, and then I took a double-take at the sheer foolishness of such a thing. I would get terribly bored before finishing one of them and then I'd need to do something else. But I also had another thought. I keep thinking about how unfocused I am in life right now. How it feels like I'm always doing things and they fly past in a blur and somehow I'm always occupied and I don't even have the chance to, to what? To notice, to understand, to take more out of, to build on? I'm not sure. But today I wondered, has it ever not been like this? I don't know. That, "to build on," one is winning my attention. I don't know if I'm growing. I played soccer twice in the last two weeks. I haven't played soccer in seven years or so. I see family and friends play and always tell Jesus he can teach me to be a really good soccer player in heaven. But now I get to dabble in it. A splash of a tease. I'm going to be really good at a lot of things, as soon as I die. Until then I'm going to try as many different things as I can. Most of them will be exciting, and perhaps I'll tell you so. Then you can buy me a book about it for my birthday, but I'll never read it. It's already gone.

It's not that I'm down. It's just a vice of mine. To go along with eating too much (in the selfish sense, well I suppose in the gluttonous sense too) of the precious commodities (like muffins or coffee cake).

I remember hearing about Nathan & Lauren's marriage counseling, and how Nathan is bad at finishing projects he starts, how Lauren needs to help him with such things. For some reason this memory stuck with me. Likely because I am bad at finishing things. Except you wouldn't even say that, because I don't do it long enough to use terms like finish.

So that is broad. But I feel like that in a concentrated sense now. How any moment of the day, I lack any focus. It has nothing to do with being occupied with good things or bad things; valuable things, or ones beyond measuring. There are a thousand great and appreciated people, thoughts and activities in my week. Am I missing them? They appear and vanish. This happens at a startling rate, so that I don't ever ponder it, something new is in view.

Passive is a scary word. Corey used it the other day and something in my spirit knew what she meant and pricked. It was going to come up. I knew it but to translate it out of my mind was so difficult. Effort fought being eluded and lost and had to wait for someone else to say it.

What's that you say? You don't have time to read all this. You don't understand any of it anyway. Me too. Me too.

My Blog Is So Ugly It's Depressing

2007-04-20T06:53:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's true. But I can't do anything about that right now. What do I look like? A publisher? The weather outside is frightful, but I am so delightful, at least that's what my pastor's told me, twice! So I'm guessing it's true. The next time someone asks you for someone delightful, you can point them my way.

I'd like to take a moment to highlight some things that are better to go look at than my blog right now:

1. Trevor's epic picture tale
2. Trevor's ever-amusing fruit-print
3. If you are a regular cantaloupe subscriber, go back and read this just because it's great
4. A sampling of the studio version of the band I had lots of fun seeing yesterday
5. You could borrow number four if you're close by, and remember, they're better live
6. I am now very impressed with Lovedrug's new album, instead of just impressed
7. Webcam taping of me dancing in my room after I called Kyle and we have today off

Kirk Made Me Do It

2007-04-10T15:29:00.000-06:00

So here I am doing my homework. I have the day off after working only an hour and a half and so here I sit. So far I worked on a bookshelf for 5 minutes before being recruited to replace Andy for a couple hours at JLYS. Points if you can count how many times I've begun sentences with, "so," in the last six posts unnecessarily. I really liked the walk home. More random sentences. The only thing I could remember of my dreams this morning was that they involved food a great deal. A child gave me his left-over salad he hadn't eaten. There was some strange Mexican food chain restaurant that I think I ate guacamole at. I started reading old entries in my notebook this morning before I left for work and there was quite the variety, all of which I'd forgotten: Conversations with God; Poems; Recounting days; Prayers that made me laugh because they bring back memories of what things used to be like in the house, and before the house, and five years ago for that matter; Silly songs I made up.

The recorded lectio divinas stole my heart though. I must get me some more of that.

OK on to the readings. Psalm 25 & Hebrews 12. Since I don't have my amplified version anymore I'm going to do it online for old times' sake:

Psalm 25

[A Psalm] of David.

1UNTO YOU, O Lord, do I bring my life.

2O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

3Yes, let none who trust and wait hopefully and look for You be put to shame or be disappointed; let them be ashamed who forsake the right or deal treacherously without cause.

4Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths.

5Guide me in Your truth and faithfulness and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You [You only and altogether] do I wait [expectantly] all the day long.

6Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercy and loving-kindness; for they have been ever from of old.

7Remember not the sins (the lapses and frailties) of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your mercy and steadfast love remember me, for Your goodness' sake, O Lord.

8Good and upright is the Lord; therefore will He instruct sinners in [His] way.

9He leads the humble in what is right, and the humble He teaches His way.

10All the paths of the Lord are mercy and steadfast love, even truth and faithfulness are they for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

11For Your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity and my guilt, for [they are] great.

12Who is the man who reverently fears and worships the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that he should choose.

13He himself shall dwell at ease, and his offspring shall inherit the land.

14The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning.^(A)

15My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.

16[Lord] turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

17The troubles of my heart are multiplied; bring me out of my distresses.

18Behold my affliction and my pain and forgive all my sins [of thinking and doing].

19Consider my enemies, for they abound; they hate me with cruel hatred.

20O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed or disappointed, for my trust and my refuge are in You.

21Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for and expect You.

22Redeem Israel, O God, out of all their troubles.

Hebrews 12

1THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

2Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.^(A)

3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

4You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

5And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

6For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

7You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

8Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].^(B)

9Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

12So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,^(C)

13And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

14Strive to live in peace with everybody and pursue that consecration and holiness without which no one will [ever] see the Lord.

15Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God's grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it--

16That no one may become guilty of sexual vice, or become a profane (godless and sacrilegious) person as Esau did, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.^(D)

17For you understand that later on, when he wanted [to regain title to] his inheritance of the blessing, he was rejected (disqualified and set aside), for he could find no opportunity to repair by repentance [what he had done, no chance to recall the choice he had made], although he sought for it carefully with [bitter] tears.^(E)

18For you have not come [as did the Israelites in the wilderness] to a [material] mountain that can be touched, [a mountain] that is ablaze with fire, and to gloom and darkness and a raging storm,

19And to the blast of a trumpet and a voice whose words make the listeners beg that nothing more be said to them.^(F)

20For they could not bear the command that was given: If even a wild animal touches the mountain, it shall be stoned to death.^(G)

21In fact, so awful and terrifying was the [phenomenal] sight that Moses said, I am terrified (aghast and trembling with fear).^(H)

22But rather, you have come to Mount Zion, even to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to countless multitudes of angels in festal gathering,

23And to the church (assembly) of the Firstborn who are registered [as citizens] in heaven, and to the God Who is Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous (the redeemed in heaven) who have been made perfect,

24And to Jesus, the Mediator (Go-between, Agent) of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood which speaks [of mercy], a better and nobler and more gracious message than the blood of Abel [which cried out for vengeance].^(I)

25So see to it that you do not reject Him or refuse to listen to and heed Him Who is speaking [to you now]. For if they [the Israelites] did not escape when they refused to listen and heed Him Who warned and divinely instructed them [here] on earth [revealing with heavenly warnings His will], how much less shall we escape if we reject and turn our backs on Him Who cautions and admonishes [us] from heaven?

26Then [at Mount Sinai] His voice shook the earth, but now He has given a promise: Yet once more I will shake and make tremble not only the earth but also the [starry] heavens.^(J)

27Now this expression, Yet once more, indicates the final removal and transformation of all [that can be] shaken--that is, of that which has been created--in order that what cannot be shaken may remain and continue.^(K)

28Let us therefore, receiving a kingdom that is firm and stable and cannot be shaken, offer to God pleasing service and acceptable worship, with modesty and pious care and godly fear and awe;

29For our God [is indeed] a consuming fire.^(L)

Good Friday

2007-04-07T23:37:00.000-06:00

So lately I've felt like my brain has turned to mush, intellectually speaking. I try to contemplate. I try to sort and sift and draw out organized thought and reasons. It hurts. It runs in circles and hits walls and feels like I'm listening to another language. The truth bits. They're strong. Intuition and heart and belief. But where have all the whys gone?

Last night was awesome. Well really the whole day was pretty good. I ended up going to Lisa's Good Friday service invite (I would have been late for the joint EMC one). It was cool. Meditative progression through the events and people and twists of Jesus' last days. Songs, narratives, dramatic monologues, all following an ancient 4th century church tradition of the shadow candles. Then I went out for lunch with Kirk. Kirk is always cool to hang out with, plus we got to eat Indian food! Oh yeah, and it was funny because I was probably 5 minutes late for the service and so when I went in it was all dark and I could barely see anything (especially coming in from the snow). So I stood in the back. But Kirk was late too, and probably arrived ten minutes later. So my eyes had adjusted to the dark by then (good thing I eat carrots pretty much every day) but he was blind like I had been and so when we went to sit down he crashed into the chairs and I thought, yep, this is all just a black blob to him like it was for me before.

So I went home and did some grocery shopping with RJ and then I went to my room and got weird. Now you could argue that I was just pent up and my body needed to return to equilibrium after downing a 32 oz blizzard the night before and then having buffet Indian. But whatever the reason this is how it went. First I started by reading a couple chapters of a book just returned to me in hopes of gaining direction to try and answer a question posed the day before. It only made me frustrated with how I don't really understand myself, at least enough to explain to anyone else. So then I returned to the DISC personality profiling and on a whim took the test again with new results. I scored 77 I 75 S with a negligible 19 D and 12 C. This wasn't really feeling helpful at all, so I started reading the Bible. And after restlessly reading a while in the new testament, I got stuck in 1 John. It's weird and somehow that felt better. Because my brain still wasn't working very well, but there were things in there that sounded brainless and true.

So then I got up and cranked Atticus Fault's Mary Mother song that I associate with the movie The Passion and danced wildly in my room. Then I threw on Mute Math and continued. I didn't break anything except my lungs' pride - just wait till I get my exercise bike back... And it felt good. It felt old, dancing all crazy like that, but so good. Connor came in and we threw a stuffed bunny at each other for a while, he on the top bunk, and I still going crazy.

And then it was over because we were to start the movie at 7. But it wasn't ready, so I sat on the couch, then walked to Blockbuster with Sherry who was returning a movie.

Finally we watched it. Powerful as always.

Afterwards, we had communion (which I'd been lamenting not having done recently enough just the day before to Andy). It was great. We divided up the bread and wine, and then we went around with each person, one at a time (there were 8 of us), exchanging bits of bread and clinking glasses together and praying/encouraging/making things right again amongst us. It was glorious. I loved it. I could feel Jesus smiling.
Oh and incidentally Kirk mentioned that I reminded him of John, the beloved disciple. And it was incredibly encouraging, especially given my brain mush. That Kirk, such a stand-up kind of guy.

Then it was off to Scarborough United for our hour during the prayer vigil. It too was glorious. Praying with Kirk and RJ and Wes and Andy was great. It started when Kirk read a scripture passage, and I felt that he needed to pray more in response to it. That there were things in his heart and he needed to say them. So I prayed about that, and God said, well if you want him to pray them out, you'd better pray out what's on yours. So I did just that and prayed for Kirk. And wow, I'd barely finished and he took off and it all came pouring out and it was fantastic. From there it was more and more fun. Why? Because the Holy Spirit was there and he's awesome. He gave me good things to pray and odd things to pray, and humourous things to pray. And there was tag-teamage and unity of spirit going around with friends. I love it!
Then it was back home for bed.
Kind of like right now for me.
God bless. He is risen! Oh yes! He is risen indeed!

Ten Days - Part Nine - Words of Prophecy for me

2007-04-07T23:10:00.000-06:00

So these are the words I received at TGI as best as I remembered, which is point form.

Lover of Music
Worshiper Heart

I will play multiple instruments.

Death, death to self. Death, but there's more life.

Picture of me on a stage in front of a microphone on a stand with my guitar and no crowd. - Audience of one.

Creative.
Explorer - off the map.
A picture of a ship embarking. When you're going to explore, you're going to be gone a long time. You don't know when you'll be back.
A picture of the ship out at sea, it's sails full with wind. In this time exploring, the Holy Spirit will be the driving force.
Like all the great musicians, my music will be distinctly me, NOLAN.
The music I make will have effects in the spiritual.
God will give me new songs, he will put them in my heart.

Writing, not just song writing, but writing, is key to establishing things I learn into actually becoming part of me.

Acceleration of my abilities.
Music will bring my worship to a new level.
I am a point man, a forerunner. - Joshua & Caleb
Step up!
I am a warrior.
Cataloging, like I-Tunes - genre/artist/year/etc... - possibly connected to my writing. Cataloging it so that I and others can learn from it, search through it, connect things.

So what do you think of that? First of all, I welcome your prayers & insights into and questions about any of these. Second of all, I ask you to keep on me about these. What am I doing with them? Don't let me contradict them. If I'm whining, say hey Nolan, warriors don't whine. If I'm ignoring music, ask me what the deal is.

Ten Days - Part Eight - The Aforementioned Problem Entering Worship

2007-04-07T23:02:00.000-06:00

Good morning Jesus, it truly is; in every sense. I love you. Yesterday in one of the sessions Graham talked about you showing us where we would be blessed next by where the enemy attacks us. In the evening session, I thought I was ready, set, go for worship. But then it started and it was a disappointment to my expectations. And I let it destroy me somehow - those unfamiliar songs, all so slow. And I knew. I knew I had to get past it and worship anyway. SO I raised my hands a while, thinking, "hands up," and, "surrender." Still my heart turned fouler. It began to curse even as I tried to bless. So I tried to sing but even there my heart didn't follow and there was no joyful noise.

Thankfully the man next to me whose baby had been the only thing seemingly wondrous enough to move me in the last 15 minutes came alongside and asked if he could pray for me. In quick acknowledgment I answered "that would be good," in an ugly but accepting tone. So he prayed and prayed and then he asked if it was hard engaging in worship.
Yes.
What do you feel?
Nothing.
You need to get past that somehow. I was having a hard time too but there's something there in the spirit and you have to worship even if you feel nothing.

Glad that God had shared my plight with him, but still in the same predicament, I wondered how I should try again.
Then he came over again and asked if I remembered the morning session? How important it is to be thankful. Start with that even if you have to repeat the same thing.

So I did of course! The light had come back. Of course I knew that to be true. Within minutes I was crying and in the peace, and love. Oh thank you God for helping me in that moment when I was weak.

Psalms 95 & 100.

Let us come before him with thanksgiving

Enter his gates with thanksgiving.

Ten Days - Part Seven - Food Gets Eaten Everyday

2007-04-07T22:50:00.000-06:00

So much more has happened. I have to write about it all. Thursday night was about God's Romance. Something he's been showing me since December at least. In the time of response, some how I knew I had to go to the tend of meeting and lie there awhile with Jesus. So I did and missed the rest of the session. Jason had a wonderful experience with you. You finally revealed in his heart how much you love him - something he'd always knowing in his head. The in the mingling afterwards David introduced himself and we got talking and he offered us his friend's apartment suite to stay. Hooray. And so we met his friends Tyler and Matt. We picked up some groceries at an econo grocery store called Wilco and made nachos. Luckily David spotted us some cash since they didn't take credit and my debit wouldn't go.

We prayed for Tyler's eyes, which were agitated. No I didn't spit in them.

Friday's morning sessions were very long. I took notes for the first and was told not to for the second. We went out to Napoli for some Mediterranean pizza at lunch. Fun people. I asked the waitress for another table's left behind pasta dish. Yes she did - very flustered. Good pizza. Good talk. Met Matt's girlfriend Lisa, a single mom of two. Good to pray for her in the worship when we returned. I danced.

I slept through nearly all of the creative quiet devotional time even with 8 hours sleep the night before. Then it was dinner break. Instead, gladly we went back out to the beautiful countryside to check out a house Matt wants David to buy. 22 acres and a stunning 5 BR house with 2 BR guest house. I didn't hear anything as far as guidance.
Ah yes and the thoughts from the morning session. What to do with old words of prophecy... school?

Back for the evening session which you can read more about over there with the session notes. Graham read a prophecy. A very long prophecy. I need to listen to it over and over in the coming months and stop when the Holy Spirit speaks, and then meditate on what he spoke. Sounds good. Then we went to TGI Friday for a late meal. Hanzel, the sword flashing dancer I thought was cool came out too and brought 5 friends. Tyler was fighting with God. The menu was expensive. I was tired. We had a little fun anyways. Shooting straw covers. Dumping water on me, hiding the ice. Eating salad with my hands (service was slow and I didn't get utensils till much later). Some good convo.

Ask and you will receive, fries, and prophecy.

We went to the party room and I got the hot seat first. Incredible stuff, and I said yes & amen in Christ. Thank you so much God. Such good people to. Bless them. It went straight onto David next without pause and then Jason and finally Tyler. It was beautiful and I can't tell you how astonishingly attractive you were last night. How appropriate, the restaurant we were in. We came home and journaled it all down helping each other out remembering words. And now it's 9:08 and still sunny shorts/sandals wear.

Psalmy

2007-04-01T16:25:00.000-06:00

I want to follow up my last post and make it psalmy because that's the way it should be.

Andrea asked if we could do evening prayers so I had a shower while she was doing dishes and went out to the living room. I was ready to simply pray, "God I'm a zombie, you should give me a hug." But he already knew and while Andrea was reading the daily scripture's Psalm he did. We continued praying and RJ came up after finishing his movie. Prior to watching his movie he had mentioned he wanted to watch a movie and pray after (which is a fun activity we've done before). However he knew I was drastically depleted and said I could go to bed, except I never made it there. Anyway, feeling zombieish myself, I set about praying even though I didn't watch Shaun of the Dead again. RJ fell into unstoppable giggles and had to leave, much to Andrea's disappointment - well not him leaving - more his untimely insensitivity to her mood. It was all my fault and yet somehow it seemed all so appropriate because I am often in the mood for 'irreverent' prayer while everyone else is somber. That way I got to go to bed right away too so it all worked out, I think.

Anyway, I woke up early to have morning prayer with Pam and these too were life-giving. Then I made myself an incredible egg skillet, and sat and watched the sun rise with God. I went to work and did OK. I remember thinking, God thanks for making sure I'm alive right now because I don't think I would be otherwise.
Then I stayed up until 4 AM but that's not the point. The point is that God is good, and faithful and kind, and that prayer is incredibly helpful. Back on the 4 AM thing. It was very interesting to note that after two weeks of continued sleep deprivation, my brain didn't work anymore. I had sat down to write out my thoughts Thursday night and couldn't. Yet Friday night (Saturday morning) my mind was still sharp with truth. Truth kept shooting through connecting to conversation and even if I couldn't explain past things God had shown me, I could still pray. I probably can't explain this properly either, but my spirit is still in communion with the Holy Spirit, vibrantly, even when everything else has run out. So as proverbs says, don't depend on your own strength, but lean on, trust in, and depend on God. It's good for me to run out of strength and see this. Now I get to remember it even when I am strong (because I'm going to get more sleep, just you wait).
And let me leave you with this reminder: Your battle is not with flesh and blood, not even your own, but with the spiritual powers of darkness.
And friends are always good to ask for help.

I Can't See Straight

2007-03-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

So I never finished posting my string of california posts. Mostly because they're not terribly exciting without pictures and they're on RJ's computer while they need to be on mine, and I haven't had any time. Time time time. I feel like I'm in a bit of a whirlwind right now. So many things fighting for my focus, which as you should've learned by now, doesn't exist.

Physio exercizes and appointments for my knee - It's getting better!

UM stuff - the ever-changing drama continues to unfold, and it's still hard.

Romance - As if this is third on my priorities or focus, but I thought I'd try and fool you anyway.

The list goes on music, friends, family, God, cooking/cleaning/laundry, working, thinking, dreaming, forgetting. I'm wearing out though. Beware. I'm tired and my brain is melting. Not just the usual post's sort where I'm writing, while tired at the end of the day. The continuous zombie-state is approaching.