Problems of Patience Pertaining to Proximity

I just finished another chronicled guitar session. As in I played around and then wrote down what I had done. I did this earlier in the week on Tuesday before going out for Russian food with Kirk. Which is as good a way as any to bring me to what I cannot write about.
Slowly slowly pressure ascends. And it's doing strange things to me. The unsaid, the limits, the secrets - all of these erode my calm.
Pam told me I'm obedient on Thursday. That when I figure things out I act on them. I incorporate them right away.
It's true and it makes me conflicted right now.
I was told I use my head too much back in the fall. And I've since wondered if they were praying while they said it because something changed and my senses started reporting elsewhere.
Truth to follow became intuitive and my heart was resolved.
And taking breaks are a good way to further clear your head. Beware though, that vacancies must be filled and if your heart has ardor it will seize them up.
In times like these, friends are never too many.
Some will say it's too soon.
Some will ask and prove.
Some will consider costs.
Some will smile.
Some will get apologies, for words long since past.

Words of the present are dangerous things. And when they must be monitored, they will subvert and slip in surreptitiously.


The new captain was braver, with less caution.
When he caught sight of the treasure, he couldn't forget.
His destination plotted, details of the course shrank.
I looked in his eyes and was caught.
They burned a frozen fire, while he remembered.

How long sir?
I must wait.
What can you mean? We're already sailing.
He smiled. Yes we are. We must wait until we catch up.
To the treasure?
Certainly not. My Father is sailing for her and departed before I.
Will he take it for his own?
He already has, but he's invited us to coalesce.
Are we close?
Very, to the treasure, and it's damn near maddening.
I gasped, and searched about. Spotting something of unspeakable beauty on the horizon, I whirled around in excitement. Your father must be near if we are so close.
His eyes betrayed their fiery glow again, locked on the horizon. He broke them away and spoke words without placeable tone. He is always near.
He looked over the rails and after a long moment I thought he would dive. What happened next, I shall never recover from.
The water surged and a wave of force grasped him like a hand and pulled him up and under.

We sailed on for the treasure I had seen but as we neared I became confused. Off the shores of a treacherous island we dared not seek harbour at, lay the treasure, sunken, resting. I couldn't fathom how I had seen it before at all. And worse, I had no option for procuring it. I am always grateful for glimpsing it closer. When searching for a description, I like to begin by telling of how it seemed to suit the blue flames once encased in our captain.

Move My Decimal Over Please

Pr pr pr pr profesh-tional!

So I had a thought during evening prayers tonight. It went along with a question God asked me the other day and a nice little quote from CS Lewis they used at church the other week.
"Diving is great, but once you hit the water it's all about swimming." [not exact quote]
The question God asked me which I will respectfully veil, basically went, "what will it look like after you start?"
Previously I'd been focusing on whether to start or not.

Today was an interesting day. I woke up for my morning solitude which was very frustrating. Morning prayer was zombieish on my part but RJ redeemed it. Then I got into my car and almost immediately I started crying as I finally connected with God. During my first break at work I continued to re-read a short Graham Cooke book. Lots of important and pertinent truths as per usual. One thing that he talked about which is sticking out to me now is about returning to your first love of God. That you enter into His gates with thanksgiving in your heart (the theme of the week). That if you get your life focused on loving God, your love for other people will shoot up ten times as a result. And so, God's question returned to my head tonight. And I thought about the passage we'd just read. About the ways to love God it described. Because it really is a good description of being really really in love with God. Singing about him. Telling everyone about him and what he has done. It's very excited. And I thought about the fun things I've done with God in the past. Making up a shooting prayer game comes to mind. And I thought, I need to be more romantic with God. I need to come up with creative dates to go on with God. I need to write him some more songs and poetry. I need to brag about him. I need to get him stuck in my head all day long. I need to stay in a room as long as he's there, just because he's there. I need to jump at chances to spend time with him. I need to pay attention and think of meaningful special gifts I could possibly give him. So basically what I'm hinting at here, is that I need to be good at dating God. Which is rather intimidating, but also tingly-anticipatorily rewarding.

Phases I Haven't Mastered - Like Guitar Effects

So I'll get the guitar thing out of the way quickly because it's not the focus. Phaser is a guitar effect and it makes the sound go up (and down) in a wave pattern. Generally it's just for coolness - you know as opposed to most effects... Anyway, while I do have a phaser effect, I haven't played with it ever and thus it's useless to me. All of that without any significance other than that it can be representative of the, "not yet" in music for me.

The phases that have been more on my mind of late I'll attempt to describe but don't feel great confidence about doing so. I remember shifting. I remember shifting when I shot myself in the knee. I remember when the drugs wore off and I couldn't walk anymore. These were all shifts. Shifts of change. Shifts of imminent change. Change in the everyday. And I've discovered the everyday has massive influence.
So I've just finished a month of not framing. Not waking up in the morning to go make breakfast and lunch and have morning prayer. Driving to work, listening to music. Fighting my hate of being frozen and bored. Coming home to shower and chores and people.
Out of sight, out of mind. Everything but God. But that's because he's holding my right hand and never leaves me.

So the old ways and the questions disappeared, and were replaced.
I can see it because I wrote it and it haunted me: Occupied?
I was given a prophetic word early in the fall about becoming occupied with God. Exciting to be sure. A new level of being filled with the Spirit? A new level of closeness with Jesus as I give him more focus? I'd give you another one about God the Father but we'll get to that shortly and it will be better.
So on our house's whiteboard for messages I wrote out a list of to-dos because I rarely have messages to fill up the space. And there was a sickening amount of them. And in the middle with another colour I wrote a question.
And a funny thing happened in the last month. The to-dos melted away. And I have become increasingly occupied with my heavenly father (among other new awarenesses).
So I'm sitting now in a clean, organized bedroom. Cheers to RJ. I'll have to take pictures and send them to my parents so they'll know such things can happen.
And my new mission is to hang out with God everyday and let him be my Father. And I love the thought of that. Because in the last month, that's been wonderful.

But I tried to start the new phase on Thursday and failed. Oh sure, I'd been in bed on time the night before (complete with evening prayers). And I woke up early and ready to go. But when I got downstairs to hang out with God the changes all disappeared.
"Nolan Nolan, you are worried and distracted by many things."
How? They've been gone for weeks. I haven't even seen them again yet but they're all back. And they're stealing you away again! And it's worse now because all of the replacements are there now too!
And I ran out of time and went out to my car, and it didn't start.
And I went for a walk. It was minus twenty-seven or something similarly frigid. And I marched right into downtown asking for peace. For peace in this world I had returned to of confusion and stress. I stopped to look at beautiful murals - I'd never seen them before. I looked at the local arts poles stapled with events. I walked by my usual prayer recipient shops. I thought of a great many friends and prayed for them too. And eventually I returned to thaw out my nose and do work of another kind.

Friday I awoke again. And concerned that this morning prayer stuff was even more difficult than I first suspected, I decided to read the Martin Luther book on prayer Faye lent me. It was wonderful, magnificent, inspirational, insightful, and encouraging. Better yet, I finished A Simple Way To Pray in an hour. And since my throat was killing me and I felt poorly and I didn't need to go back to work before Monday, I returned to bed for a couple more hours.
Then I got to go along with Sherry and Andy to unload/sort food at JLYS. And I enjoyed every minute, well except for the blister, but it wasn't a huge deal, I just can't say it was enjoyable. I did a make-up dance class which felt great and then returned home to a delicious left-over supper of salmon and vegetables. I went out for a quiet hang-out time with friends which ended very loudly, in a bad way. So I went home and stayed up late until I had at least a hint of resolution.

Saturday came and I enjoyed a pleasantly unusual shopping excursion with the girls.

That last sentence leaves a lot to be clarified but that seems altogether too complicated to be possible.

The afternoon consisted of baking a cheesecake and two dozen muffins. This was exciting as cooking usually is with the combination of learning new things and running into snags and solving snags and getting annoyed and licking beaters and spatulas and shirts.
The evening came and I was listless but started reading another Graham Cooke book. Then it was off to the Drum & Monkey. This was fun. It was fun dancing with friends. It was fun not sitting but moving. It was fun letting music take focus.

And all of this, this felt like the last month. Relaxed. Time to do extra things. Time to walk somewhere instead of drive. Time to stop writing and bounce to a Jack Johnson song. Room in my head to think without something like a deadline dragging them all down. Painfully relaxed at points.

And today is Sunday. My boss flies back from Mexico today. And I will call him. And tomorrow will bring back that old phase. Only it's not the same. But it's scary.
So let the condemned eat a hearty meal, like cheesecake.
Let them give thanks well.
For our God gave us cheesecake, and was kind enough to shoot us in the knee.
And he's still holding our hand.

Gone Gone Is The Former, "Mine"

Well, it's been an incredibly long winter break for me. This is the fourth week. And I have to say, after I slept over at my parents' house a few days I adjusted remarkably. Since then it's been very 'Nolan on break'. I loved going out to Radium Hot Springs (the town is called that, I only went to the springs one day) for a week with Andy, his parents, and RJ (until Wednesday). It worked wonders for the recovery of my knee to soak it in Hot Tubs everyday and give it exercise. It also was great to bring back Morning & Evening Prayers. In the midst of that I read Beholding & Becoming by Graham Cooke.

The premise of the book comes from the story of Mary & Martha. You, like Mary, are to sit and behold Jesus. As with most (if not all) of Graham's short books, it has exercizes to do at the end. The first was a Lament, which while very important, I could not participate in at this time, since I have nothing to lament. The second was about restoring / reconciling relationships, and based on Ephesians (what a co-incidence since God impressed me to meditate on Ephesians). This one blew my mind as I realized God had already done everything in the exercize and I just need to finish it off with a phone call this week. Last we had Lectio Divina, an ancient prayer meditation method, which I have been dying to get Faye to help me with. Don't worry Faye, I'd still love to do this with you, but I've practiced a couple times now.

I read Psalm 46 ten times over the course of two and half hours. And I had these helpful stages of contemplation (here is where I plaigarize Graham Cooke [again] in the hopes that you will go buy his books, because they're great!):
1. Find a place of stillness before God. Embrace His peace. Calm your body, breathe slowly ... clear your mind of the distractions of life. Ask God to reveal His rest to you. Whisper the word, "Stillness." This can take some time, but once you're in that place of rest, enjoy it. Worship God out of it.

2. Read the passage twice, slowly.
a. Allow its words to become familiar to you, and sink into your spirit. Picture the scene - become part of it. Listen for pieces that catch your attention.
b. Following the reading, meditate upon what you have heard. What stands out? Write it down.
c. If a word or phrase from the passage seems highlighted to you, write it down.

3. Read the passage twice, again.
a. Like waves crashing onto a shore, let the words of the Scripture crash onto your spirit. What are you discerning? What are you hearing? What are you feeling? Write it down.
b. What is the theme of this passage? Write it down.
c. Does this passage rekindle any memories or experiences? Write it down.
d. What is the Holy Spirit saying to you? Write it down.

4. Read the passage two final times.
a. Meditate on it.
b. Is there something God wants you to do with this passage? Is there something He is calling you to? Write it down.
c. Pray silently. Tell God what this Scripture is leading you to think about. Ask Him for His thoughts. Write down your conversation - as if you and God are sitting in a coffee shop, two old and dear friends, sharing.

5. Pray and thank God for what He has shared with you. Come back to the passage a few more times over the coming weeks.


Yeah this is amazing. Sure reading the book before you engage in this stuff is awesome but I suspect God is a little bit too eager to hang out with you and will balance things out. So if you'd like to do Psalm 46, I'll post it, and otherwise, go right ahead and enjoy some of your favourite passages again, only different.

Psalm 46

To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of the sons of Korah. A Song for Alamoth.

1 God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah

4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

7 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has made desolations in the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariot in the fire.

10 Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

11 The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Christmas and as Kirk has titled, "hints."

Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you even once more on top of all his others. I am greatly enjoying my time with my family. I hope you are as well.
But that's not why I am compelled to write today. Today while having a splendid visit with my Grandparents, the conversation took a turn that shook me. My Grandma was telling the story of my Grandfather's sister, and even though it was sad, it was hers, and I cherished being able to hear it. She was bi-polar or manic-depressive, and having studied the illness myself, I had a great deal of compassion through it. At the end my Grandma was relating how she couldn't understand why her friends had deserted Lois (my Grandpa's sister). Why in this day and age, people still couldn't understand mental illness. And then my Mom related how hard it has been for friends of hers (and my Dad's).
And my heart broke. And stayed broken.
I know them. I don't know them well. They go to my parents' church. But they've been over to my parents' house, and I've played music at the church with her.
But one of their daughters hears voices. And sees people. And they tell her to do bad things.
And they've been to see psychologists and one of them said it was demonic. And they've had the pastors over to pray at the house.
And they can't sleep at night because she screams the whole time. So the Mom started home-schooling to try and work around that.
And they went on a purging of anything that could possibly be evil in the house and stopped celebrating Christmas because it has pagan origins.
And they're not crazy. They're really nice. They both became Christians after they were married.
But now they've put the house up for sale, because maybe that's it.
And I couldn't bear it.
Because God is God.
Jesus loves them.
Jesus is all powerful.
He has all authority and has given it to us.
This cannot be.
Let me go right now. Let me listen to them so I can cry with them.
Let me pray and ask God if it's an evil spirit or not.
If not then great, should we pray for healing, or should we see a doctor?
If yes, then Holy Spirit lead the way. What are we praying about next?
But I can't do nothing.
Because they can't sell their house.
They can't live in hopelessness. They can't live in fear.
I know Jesus. I know him.
I know why my heart broke and wouldn't mend.

And on the drive home from Didsbury I read and read and cried and prayed.
Ephesians was especially close.

I'll highlight some passages but really the whole thing was amazing.

1^:19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power ²⁰ that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. ²¹ Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. ²² God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. ²³ And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

3:⁸ Though I am the least deserving of all God’s people, he graciously gave me the privilege of telling the Gentiles about the endless treasures available to them in Christ. ⁹ I was chosen to explain to everyone^[c] this mysterious plan that God, the Creator of all things, had kept secret from the beginning.¹⁰ God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. ¹¹ This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord.

¹² Because of Christ and our faith in him,^[d] we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. ¹³ So please don’t lose heart because of my trials here. I am suffering for you, so you should feel honored.

¹⁴ When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,^{[e] 15} the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.^{[f] 16} I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

²⁰ Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ²¹ Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

4:¹¹ Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. ¹² Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. ¹³ This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ¹⁶ He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

6: ¹⁰ A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we^[c] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.^{[d] 16} In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.^{[e] 17} Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Bang Bang

So I was planning on working with Ian for a week while Kyle & Jay were in BC but I only lasted a day and a half. After making some mistakes like building walls 1"1/2 too short, and cutting through saw cords, I wanted to firmly establish how I felt by putting 3 inches of nail in my knee. I know I know, that doesn't directly convey my intention of imparting the favour of God to his crew, but that's what I had to do. So I got to enjoy an ambulance ride, and try out laughing gas and morphine. And be amused by the EMS guys needing 5 tries to get an IV in me because my veins disappear with my incredibly good circulation and slow heart rate. And I got to go hang out at the Foothills where I just got to hang out with RJ a couple times in as many weeks. I knew he was missing it and needed an excuse to come back. And I got to enjoy some 8/10 pain while they jabbed me with freezing needles, all the while being very thankful that the freezing would prevent worse pain, right? And I got to enjoy discovering what 10/10 feels like when they barely touched the head. And I got to finally see what it looked like to have a nail head, and way on the other side of my knee, half an inch sticking out. I got to nay say how lucky I was that the nail didn't shatter my knee cap on impact but instead bounced - didn't I already mention my favour with God?
And I got to walk out of the hospital with full mobility of my leg looking very stylish with my slit jeans and fishnet dresssing. Yes sir morphine is wonderous stuff until it runs out later on and you go back into shock and delirium based on intense pain and the drugs in your system. But until then it was jokes, and friends, and dinner, and my family came over for A White Christmas.
The last couple days have been incredible.
RJ has taken great care of me. I got a bunch of errands finished. I've got to hang out with friends. RJ and I had a good talk and prayer on Thursday night that was worth getting shot for all on its own.
Yesterday Ian came over with wine and I put together a scrumptious meal of Tuna Turn-Overs with the help of friends. Then there was round four of my first prayer deliverance session. God came through again, this time with a shockingly large item to deal with. I love Jesus talking to me and explaining himself. I love how he looks after me. I love how he starts things and takes 2 and a half years to work on them until they're ready for the next phase. I love his infinite wisdom and understanding in how to give us abundant life.
RJ and Andy and I got to stay up and have a fabulously constructive discussion about church. God showed us all practical and personal things I believe.
Today I'm taking good care of my knee with ice and elevation and exercize. Later I shall go hang out with family and then friends at Jono's party.
Merry Christmas.

Am I Mambo?

So today I was given a rather bold assessment from my closest 7-year old companion, Connor.

"You equal Mambo."

"Who's Mambo?"

"From Happy Feet. You're not ready for a long-term relationship."

Wow, what a clairvoyant (sp no longer a ? because Andrea's sitting beside me on the couch, a couch with only two cushions I might imply...) child. How did he know that just this week, I almost blogged on a sudden recollection. Except that it was late and I was tired and God said.
Sheesh! I live in a community house with all these people trying to distract me. No that's not what God said. That was me after a ten minute entertaining delay. So anyway, God said that blogging wouldn't be choosing life. And I agreed and went to bed.

The other week when it was my turn to talk about me on Monday night, I somehow managed to focus in on girls. Which in my opinion was very strange since I'd spent a great deal of time thinking and reflecting, etc. and that wasn't even a smidgen. However at the end of the evening Pam had a question for me and she wanted to know why I'd focused on that.
Huh?
Hmm, I suppose I did, and I have no idea why, it wasn't planned.
I don't remember a ton about what my response was, but I do remember mentioning that I never want to sacrifice my life to aquiesce someone else's. They cautioned me about that but I don't think they really understood what I meant. Obviously I'm quite aware that any relationship involves compromise, and supporting one another, and adjustments, etc. and that family life is entirely different than single life. What I was trying to shoot down is the common impulse to find fulfillment in a significant other, to the point of idolization. To shape my life around a girl instead of around God's plan for my life is no option for me.
Anyway, they prayed for my wife, just like I wrote, nothing specific, and Ang cautioned me about internal vows.

Thinking about it afterwards I remembered why I'd actually said I wouldn't and/or couldn't date anyone. All this time I'd only remembered about feeling too young and that I needed to live a little. I needed to move out, to get a car, to experience. So that was 4 years ago. Have I done some of that? Two of those receive a definitive yes, the last one can't be proven empiracly(sp?).

But yes, sometime in the last two weeks, it came back to me, the bigger, slightly more recent fight. It all came back with the phrase, I don't exist. I don't think I ever got to that journal reading backwards, but I can still remember writing it. I remember the flurry of writing that came out.
The fading or under-prioritized dreams of me. With such little time left in life after responsibilities, who has the time when everyone else needs help? I wondered in the last couple of weeks whether anyone is actually doing good. I never seem to meet those people, or at least perceive them that way. It made me wonder about an old prayer I had for someone, that they wouldn't believe life is a tragedy. Even writing this now makes me think of It's A Wonderful Life. I suppose I've always seen a glimmer of me in that movie, and it's never saddened me. Except that then people challenge me with things like praying about what God's calling is for my life, because it's a big one.
My old journal vehemently expressed that in the end, all you can really give someone else in a relationship is yourself, and if you don't exist, then you have nothing to give. Right now I don't know exactly how that fits with the concept from Life Together about loving people indirectly, through Christ, instead of directly.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. But Jeana asked a good question today. What's something I want to do before I die? Yes Family is a big deal for me, and for some reason I presumed that was an assumed standard. And if, as I suspect, music is a part of dreams of me, then that is an obstacle for the family piece. But I don't think that scares me, because I don't generally let things bother me, especially if they're not immediate concerns, and I am very good at preserving the state of being laid back. Besides, don't I need to trust in, lean on, and depend on God? Isn't that faith?

So am I Mambo? Or am I ready for a long term relationship? Or am I ready for Mambo #5? Just kidding.
Well you can guess, and tell me all your thoughts, or less. But I will hide mine, because I've been practicing listening to God again, and he's been having some fun using song lyrics again. And I've been content with his answers. And I don't have anything I can't let go of now do I?

Snow Marker

So I'm going to build an altar, to look back on and remember and rejoice, because I met with God tonight, and it was wonderful.

Thank you to a number of people who've been very helpful in reminding me and encouraging me to seek after him.

So I'll begin with a little bit of background to show you what led upto tonight.

Friday night I was driving home and feeling the tension. I didn't want to come home to a dark, empty, lonely house. What should I do? Who should I call? RJ was off to Lethbridge. Some of the girls were off to volunteer, others were off to an engagement party, Andrea had already called to see if I could take a look at some computer annoyances before she left at 6:30. Jamie is always swamped with either school or electrical.

But Nolan, why should you be afraid of being alone? Why is that such a bad thing? And in fact, you're not alone, you could actually spend some good time with God...

No. That's not what I need right now at all. I'm going crazy here. I need people!

So I get home, and thanks be to God, it's a five minute fix to solve Andrea's dilemma (sp?). I eat leftovers from the night before (fajitas - yum), chat with Jamie for a minute or two before he goes to hang out with Cheri before she leaves with Andrea. Then Sherry came down and started talking to me. I asked about how her room was going so she went to show me, and we chatted and continued until she asked if I wanted to go with her to Cyler & Bonnie's. Sure.

So I went, it was nice enough. I got to chat with them and won the game. I ate too much desert and pretty much enjoyed the evening. Came home and broke my bed, slept on my mattress on the floor and stayed in bed in the morning reading old journals from Christmas 2004 / early 2005. It had been right after my fast to hear God and it was cool to read about how I continued to seek him afterwards. Made some pancakes, ate too many chocolate chips, and helped Cheri take out some screws from her shelving unit. Then it was off shopping with RJ for some lag bolts, screws and other supplies at Home Hardware. Came home and helped move some of Sherry's furniture, hang stuff on the wall with Andrea and Kirk, move a couple items for Cheri and work on putting my bed frame back together again, only better. I didn't finish because I didn't get enough lag bolts and ran out of time anyway. Then I showered and got ready for Cyler's Christmas party. Went with RJ and we stopped at Home Hardware again, and Superstore to pick up stuff to make nachos with. Cyler's party was fun, I ate too much again, chatted with friends, and otherwise enjoyed myself. After I returned home I finished putting back our bed together and listened to Sherry who had indeed had a chat with God. She encouraged me with what she'd been reading about in regards to listening to God even though she was probably the one who felt like she needed encouragement. Then I decided I needed to go for a run despite feeling exhausted all day.

I dressed fairly light with sweat pants, my new thermal hoodie, and thin cotton gloves. I jogged about Scarborough until I spotted the bridge over Crowchild and knew I was going to go for an adventure. So I did and enjoyed myself immensely. It was a beautiful, mild, with snow to light the night. I wandered about friendly streets with houses until I made myself towards the river, I wanted to see the valley from the other side. I knew it was beautiful from the North. I came upon a path and made my way along it and relished the delight of it. It would take me along the river, through trees, and feel like I was in the mountains only I knew I was in the city and within walking distance of my house and it was wonderful. And I walked and I ran and I kept singing in my head an old worship song. And I knew if I kept going I would reach Riley Park. But then God told me to stop. So I did. I wondered if it was dangerous ahead. I didn't think so, so I finally stopped to be quiet and listen. And then the song, "We are standing on Holy Ground," came into my head. So I asked God if someone had blessed it, and he said yes. So I asked if I would meet them in heaven and a wave of joy hit me and the song started, "Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace, I wanna see my Saviour's face, cuz heaven is a wonderful place." But as it started I could hear different parts, and it was God singing, and it built and built with each line, and when it got to see my Saviour's face all of a sudden I got a picture of my Dad's face and single tears launched out of both my eyes because it was God using my Dad again as a picture of himself. And then the train crossing lights and bells started and train came and I remembered from old photo albums that I had been so excited about trains when I was little, and I was feeling little again, with God. And so I stood there and watched it rush by me, and glory seemed to be all around me and I shot my hands up in the air in worship, which I don't normally do. And then the silly song came into my head, "hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart give me give me your heart baby baby." So then I stood there, the train was gone, and I started running home and praising God and singing more songs with jumps and skips and battle cries. He was so perfect.

So God bless you all, and I'm going to sleep now.

Delayed Premium Repose

So yesterday evening, Andy, Andrea, Stuart, RJ, and I went out for a movie after I got home from dance class. Initially I said no and wasn't very happy because I'd left my cell phone at work and therefore couldn't contact Kyle or Jay in the morning and would necessarily be waking up extra early to drive to Jay's house in the morning before he left. But then I went to my room and decided it was all bleak anyway, why wouldn't I go to a late movie?

Stranger Than Fiction was a fantastic movie. Perhaps I was swayed by my mood and circumstances, but I thought it was masterfully crafted. I don't like Will Ferrell, and I don't like recycled movie material and I had seen a preview for this film months previously and dismissed it, barely registering its existence. However many of my friends had been telling me about this movie that was so grandish, so off I went.
I clapped at the end. Cheers for quality movies.

When I arrived home, I didn't go to bed. Instead I sat down and journalled. It began by writing out a couple of scripture passages. From there I flipped through several other passages and remembered why I had previously wanted to read through the entire new testament every couple months. It was incredible. It brought me to tears as Jesus totally rearranged my heart and thoughts and will.
I did wake up early and work did go nicely. Kyle gave me a pair of gloves that worked out better. I was still frozen, especially my feet but Jesus had changed something. And I believe he's not done yet.

Don't call me Inuit

American Thanksgiving will be celebrated shortly in our house and God I need to be thankful. When I stop to think about that and I fight against my selfish thoughts, I am thankful that I don't live outside. Who does live outside? Homeless people. You know, those people that a group from Epic feeds and hangs out with once a week. Why don't you do that Nolan? I dunno. Aren't there lots of other groups in Calgary that feed homeless people? Won't homeless people be offended if I go there to hang out with them and think to myself, "are you out of your minds? It's minus 40 out here at night! Doesn't living in Calgary's weather inspire you to do whatever it takes to get a job and go live indoors? I don't get it."

That was a conversation I had in my head driving home today.

A conversation in my head at work today went something like this:

I can't feel my fingers. I need my fingers. What time is it. It's only 3:30. I can't do this! It's taking me all day to build one little wall and I'm not done yet and I can't do it! Calm down Nolan. Jesus I need to quit. I can't do this. I can't work outside. What about missionaries who deal with head-hunting, wife-burning tribes, who are beaten and killed and scorned and thrown into prison and starving to death?
I suppose what you asked them to do isn't fun either. But I can't do this. I'm freaking out. I'm losing it. My fingers and toes are screaming and I can't do this.
[interlude of 5 seconds being interrupted with something and then being faced with the wall again]
Fuck winter! Fuck working outside in winter. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Jesus please let me quit. Please let me quit. I'm going to have to talk to Kyle but I have to talk to you first. Please let me quit.

So I hope you weren't picturing a menacing snarling Nolan just now but instead something resembling a response by someone with claustrophobia spelunking all day and by the end can't take it anymore because they're simply incapable of functioning anymore. If claustrophobic people are menacing and snarl then I guess I'll have to think up another comparison, but basically I wasn't very happy, until half way through the drive home after I was closer to being thawed out and listening to MxPx.

So um thanks for listening. Sorry for the profanity.

Praise Him!

God is good and kind and smart and hard at work in our world. He is wonderful and mightiest and he loves us. That makes me glad and alive, and glad to be alive.

So I've been having a peachy weekend. If you haven't helped your Mom can peaches you really should, it will give you good appreciation for peachy as an adjective. MMMmmm peaches.

Anyway, I was invited to participate with another church that meets at Gerry's (ex Husky-house downtown) every night. Our house is hosting them this weekend for some Deliverance Prayer/Training. I had felt incredibly drained by Friday but I wasn't sure if that was an evil strategic deterrant and prayed about it and talked to Dave (who's leading the church). So I came over to Gerry's to hang out Friday night after a splendid evening with my parents. God had some timeliness going on and showed me not only that I should definitely be involved but a specific task he had for me in it.
Saturday started with some early morning garage cleaning (it's not finished but it's sure looking better). Then some quick prep work for guests, and then the fun began. It was fun too. Lots of fun people who are up for a good laugh even while battling demons.
Anyway God quickly put to rest my concerns about schedule conflicts and re-ordered my priorities and so the day was very long and full and good. YES! YES YES YES. GOOD. It was a God day!
Learning, training, listening, practicing, freeing, authority-exercizing, worshipping, praying, laughing, sharing, serving, praising, encouraging, building, enduring.
God is good, all the time! Jesus is my best friend!

Got to wake up 5 hours later for a jaunt to the airport and then RJ cruised around looking for an open bakery at 6:30 AM to no avail so we settled for Tim Horton's but I was in way too good a mood to let anything impede my joy and thanksgiving, and celebration. RJ is a good friend.
Remember sometimes you have to ask in faith, and other times you have to receive in faith.

Went back home and went to bed for another 4 hours to awake and continue in celebration, and then begin again with compassion and sharing burdens and going to Jesus.

So very soon I must shower, then welcome back our guests and spend some more time with my Creator and Saviour and Inspirer, and Life-Giver.

So rather than sharing somethings God has been speaking, perhaps I will not delay and I will share them in person when I see you. Besides they're not complete and I will be seeking God about them. No no no, I'm not considering moving to Alaska, don't worry.

Happy Birthday to Chasey tonight! No more Lord of the Rings releases for him to delay his birthday until so we're going to Treasures of China, but he's still being good and traditional and late. Oct 6 to Nov 19, sure it's not as big a gap as usual but still. Cheers Chasey!
I suspect I have a different sort of present for him today, or at least God does...

God bless you.

Not Too Much To Say

Hmm, I don't feel a great need to tell you about anything, but just so you can still say, "I know how Nolan's doing," I will.

I've been cleansing since Monday. I'm almost doing the Wild Rose program (basically no sugar, flour, dairy, or yeasts). I've been cheating by using up my yogurt, having 2 or 3 pieces of fruit a day instead of one, and not picking out the trace amounts of peanuts and raisens in my stock of nut mix conglomerate. The sugar withdrawl didn't hit me until the 3rd day. It's been pretty fun on the whole. I've wanted to eat healthier for a long time, and this is pretty healthy... Today I ate a lot of green tea leaves. No they don't tell you to! I just did. No I won't be doing this system forever. I think I'll do it for two weeks, and this second week I should be good to go to stop cheating. Except for the fruit servings thing. But you have to be careful about dangerous sugar lows when you're in construction I presume. Besides, it's apples for me (along with berries in my red river porridge) which barely have any sugar at all.
After that I hope to actually complete the Maker's Diet plan. Mid December should bring some good-natured health laxing, but the habits I'm forming now will be hard to break.

Here in the house we've been having story time on Monday nights (recently with fires in our fireplace courtesy of scraps from my work - yes!). Each resident has been sharing tales of growing up and becoming who they are today. There has even been songs and photos passed about by some. I still have a few weeks before my turn, and have been reading through old journals to refresh my memory of my experiences. It has been a wonderful thing to do. God has been busy. I would like to ask other people about their memories or perspectives of me, especially my family. Of course I'd also like to draw a huge timeline and cover it with little events. I'd like to re-make the mix albums I created for the Wegenasts together with the written blurbs about their significance to me. I'd like to produce a photographic slideshow presentation and pass around my first bottle of calogne. Maybe I'll throw on a song and break out a dance routine. Or else I could just wing it and talk and talk and talk just like the little boy who couldn't stop.

OK I'm supremely tired (although yesterday I got 7 1/2 hours of sleep for the first time in weeks) and so that will have to satisfy you for now. Otherwise you'll have to call me and ask me to do something only to be met with a very confused unsure Nolan who vaguely recalls the things he's already supposed to be doing but knows he's forgetting most of them.

Peace, With Me Now

I feel restful, not fitful. I feel peaceful, not fretful. Very soon I will sleep.

Today was Friday. This morning I enjoyed prayer with Ang, RJ, and Andy. I was tired and quiet, though t'wards the end Ang began individually praying for various people of the house and it thrilled me. I prayed for Andy, and Andy prayed for me, and I laughed because Ang was so embarrassed for forgetting to pray for me. So instead she prayed several times throughout the day for me.
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Off to work I go. I got stuck in some construction briefly which was a little stressful, but it only lasted a little while. I called in to let Kyle know and he offered to pick me up a green tea. How generous.

Work was cold this morning. Cold winds and humidity chilled my fingers to ice. It was 3 degrees. We are fixing a house. Another crew kind of did some of it. So with inspiring work and weather, Kyle took us out for breakfast as the snow began to fly. We went back to work and lasted until lunch break. Lunch break came, and I had a revelation. I opened my lunch pail to discover a container that I had not placed there. It contained two chocolate chip cookies. The world flipped inside out and sunshine pierced the clouds. Now you have to understand I wasn't feeling bad to begin with, but now I was truly alive. I enjoyed my delicious lunch and enthusiastically dug out the passage of Jesus feeding the multitude with the boy's offering of 2 fish & 5 loaves (or was it the other way around?). What a generous boy! How kind and generous of Jesus! What a beautiful life! But what followed afterward was what stuck in my mind:

27Stop toiling and doing and producing for the food that perishes and decomposes [in the using], but strive and work and produce rather for the [lasting] food which endures [continually] unto life eternal; the Son of Man will give (furnish) you that, for God the Father has authorized and certified Him and put His seal of endorsement upon Him.

28They then said, What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of God? [What are we to do to carry out what God requires?]

29Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].

This is the work that God asks of me. That I cleave to Jesus. That I trust Jesus. That I rely on Jesus. That I have faith in Jesus. The rest is a lot of consumption. What I eat, what I wear, where I sleep, how I paid to do those things - these cannot be what I toil at. Those are just things I do. My work is Jesus, while I do everything. And getting back to how my revelation started, hopefully what I'm doing includes a lot of serving and loving others!

I had a litre of vanilla roiboos cranberry tea, caught a quick nap and went back to work as the sunshine peeked its way back into my part of the world. We wrapped up early so Jay could drive his friend to the airport and Kyle could go get some sleep and I could go on my merry way to the Chiropracter for the next level of jaw adjusments. The kind girl at 7-11 let me use the washroom! Most of them won't. Back home I read a couple blogs before my computer's connection glitchiness took control, then I helped Sherry look for a box of CDs amongst all the other boxes in our house. We found it, and I started listening to the Joyce Heron talk that we both got a CD of (mine doesn't work). Jason called and was tired and wouldn't be coming over to pray. We chatted a little and then I went off in search of supper. I had some yummy left over queesh. Andy was sick but wanted me to go to the Global Day of Prayer for him if he wasn't going. So I hung out and socialized some more, Andy ate, Andy looked a little bit better, and off we went.

It was stellar. But now it's getting very long I'm sure and will not be stopping so you might wish to conclude here and return later.

We got there late of course but that didn't bother me at all. I was still in a gradiose mood and had even got to pray on the way over with Andy for both him, and his brother who was burglard, again! When we arrived they had just started a promo video showing some of what went on around the world on the last GDoP. It brought back memories of being there with Joe & RJ and checking out the Epic crew's painting, and dancing on concrete. It was also encouraging to see all the different cultures around the world. My favourite were the cool dance lines snaking around in Africa while they sang to God. Oh, and the timid little boy in Poland praying before such a big group.

We quickly got into small groups to pray for our representative local churches' involvement with the GDoP for a minute which was really cool because me and Andy landed ourselves with some very nice ladies (of the elders to us variety in case you're RJ and completely distorting the picture right about now). Then we read two Psalms and prayed in response to them. Also cool. Then we sang some songs which was further coolness because the band was very sensitive to the Spirit's leading and they did an incredible instrumental song for awhile. Then some people shared some prophetic words that they'd been given and we ended up partnering up with someone of a different generation so that we could pray for them. Well a kind man by the name of Ben caught my eye and came up to pray with me and Jeanine (sp?) came and joined from behind. I firmly volunteered to do the praying first because I was in a rather enthusiastic disposition and prayed using some scripture from Colossians 3. Actually I wanted to do the praying first because I wanted to honour my elders and bless them. It was really nice to be surrounded by mature adults in Christ full of wisdom and love.

Then they prayed for me. Ben fervently prayed for more fire and zeal for Christ in me. Jeanine had politely asked him if he had anything first, and after he was finished she began praying. She expressed that God loved me dearly in a way I sensed she was actually listening to him - Spirit & Truth prayer... She prayed for me to give more and more of my heart to God so that he could fill me more. She prayed for deeper intimacy with God for me - especially in the secret place, the place of rest.

Bingo! These were piercing my spirit very directly! The last prophecy I received was that of God intending to occupy me (dwell in, not keep busy, but an active dwelling...). I needed to give to God more of my heart, so that he can occupy that. Now in the previous prophecy, I was told I wouldn't actually have to do much, God had it covered. That's good. At the same time, some of what Jono responded with on the last post rings true here...

Deeper intimacy with God, in the secret place, the place of rest, has been something that I began to learn about more two years ago with some Graham Cooke books but I have most certainly not developed very well, and it's never too far from my awareness.

Next Jeanine started praying blessings over my musical abilities. Um what! God you're telling her things! She stopped after awhile to double-check I played an instrument, but not in a timid way, more in a polite way. The next question was whether it was with guitar or piano because she had a picture of my fingers going. She prayed a blessing over my fingers using a text out of Jonah. About fire going right into my bones. Then she switched directions (or so it seems) and prayed that I would covet the gift of prophecy. She prayed this over a couple times in slightly different ways and even stopped to make sure I understood the correct context of covet here. Then she prayed over misconceptions I had about this passage (out of 1 Corinthians, I know it well, God was really speaking about this same thing last Spring in Ontario).

This was very timely. In the last while I've been wondering whether I should even be coveting the gift of prophecy. Whether God has different gifts in mind for me.

Then she launched back into music. She prayed about the music I would make, that it would be prophetic and have power in the spiritual realm.

Yes!!! Very personal right here, and timely again, as Andy and I just started writing a song on Tuesday.

Oh I forgot that she had prayed for a Thorn in the flesh earlier. She knew I didn't want it, but that it's very helpful for some people, as they are going into something where they will need to remember where they came from. So I accepted it. How could I not? I trust Jesus.

She prayed some generational prayers as well, and ended by praying for my wife-to-be in other terms, except that she double-checked that I knew what she was talking about afterwards. I did and didn't and did. As in no I don't know whom she was specifically praying for, although I had mild curiousity if it was connected to a previous person who came up in prayer a while back, but didn't say anything about that, but yes I did know what she was praying about.

All in all, it was very edifying, and all that prayer for fire had me cooking too!

The rest of the evening was splended as well, but it's supremely late and Jamie thinks I've moved onto writing a sequel novel I've been typing so long.

Ha, what does he know? He's sleeping on the couch so he can be closer to me instead of in his bedroom.

So what happened after? Well I perked up in my listening! When they moved onto praying for family, I had someone come to mind right away and I didn't worry about questioning. I obeyed. And went up to the front and asked for someone to pray for me since they were encouraging us to do it, even though it feels rather funny doing it that way. They encouraged me to fill out a card so that their prayer team could pray for it for the next month too. I did. I mean do I love this family member or what? I had an impression of the desperate people who flocked to Jesus with their concerns, and I thought, yes, YES! JESUS I WANT YOU TO!

Then I went back and joined Andy who was talking and listening with someone else. I sat and basked in the thick peace of God's spirit that was bringing such rest to mine. And when they started to pray I had to join, and uplift Andy, which really turned to a lot of spirit to spirit worship (mine to God's not Andy's) that brought me to tears. I got to exchange smiles with several people, and they weren't superficial smiles. They were how could we not smile with so much joy and love in the very air. A kind elderly gentlement stopped to tell me he could see Jesus in my eyes and did I know that?

I thanked some people and hung about then walked out with Andy who was kind enough to hold my belongings while I did a cartwheel. I always liked saying I love you to God that way. I thanked God for the good night on the car ride over beforehand but man what an understatement.

I also had to repent because I had in my mind the prayers of the GDoP where they gave you mere minutes to pray and filled all the time with lengthy speeches and videos (I had to repent back then when my attitude crept up). Instead I was met with an incredible time of prayer in Spirit and Truth (as I mentioned before) with unity and love binding us together.

I wasn't done yet. I got to go home and make my way through the delightfully restful prayer labrynth set up in our basement this weekend for our 24 hour - 2 day stint (starting 7 PM Friday and going until 5PM Sunday or something like that?). My utmost respect and appreciation goes out to Andrea and RJ and Andy and everyone else who helped put the room together. It's fantastic. You're all welcome to come. I did send out an email right? I can't remember. Maybe I meant to but my internet connection glitchiness overcame that intention.

Captain's Log, Stardate: 12:41 AM Saturday Oct 14

These are the voyages of the starship enterprise, to boldy go where no man has gone before. Dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun...
Yes, now I too can be cool by using sci-fi references. Actually I finally gave in and wrote it since several times the line comes into my head: Captain's log... as I start typing a blog. Ugh, I almost forgot that I dislike the word blog, but recently it feels ugly again.

So anyway, I have to fill you in on my adventures. Today God gave me super powers. I was given the ability to light anything my hands touched on fire! Not only that but with invisible fire! That way it burned but you couldn't see why. Sadly I wasn't very bright about my new found powers and went and had a shower... You can blame that poor decision on my supper though (in more ways than one) because how can you expect to be thinking clearly after eating mold, oh wait, I did that on purpose, something new, and that was probably a poor decision too, so what can explain that?

Later on I went to Sleep Country Canada with RJ and Connor and tried out beds, found a good one, asked Cyler to order two, and moved onto shopping at the mall. So weird. It's one of those things from a very distant past, quite foreign now, much like the Electronics Boutique store they wanted to stop in briefly. I'd like you all to know about my spectacular purchase. Yes after eight long years (guessed), I bought another belt. I'm sure I've been meaning to do that for the last two years but today was that day.
Then we came home and had icecream with candied walnuts and for everyone else, skor bits. MMMmmm icecream. Andrea thought I was pretty special and gave me a second bowl. Wow. As a way of saying thanks I gave her back the DVD that is way overdue that I'd been hiding from her for the last week. Just say goodbye to late fees right? Right?

Then RJ and I settled in for a highly appropriate movie for this freaky Friday the 13th...
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Now I know some guys out there might be reeling at the thought of enduring such a pure chick flick and wondering how we could scare ourselves that much over some silly superstitious thing that apparently came about from 13 guys being at Jesus' last supper and him being crucified on a Friday. Well now comes the scarier part, we wanted to watch it. Yes we borrowed it from Melanie, on purpose. Yeah well it was great so there. I almost cried 2 or 3 times. RJ did cry. Man he wouldn't even stop. I made sure he knew I wouldn't be mopping up all that mess, man alive.
Seriously though, good movie. And it was stimulating.

We'll just keep waiting for something stimulating.
-Project 86 or my skewed recollection of lyrics really similar (the line has been running through my head for weeks now and I haven't heard the song in a long time)

And so RJ and I had a good conversation afterwards, which I was very thankful for. Movies are much better things to have conversations after than running around over-busy.
And now he is off walking around and I am regaling (sp? what is it gale or gail and what does either have to do with storytelling?) you with tiny pieces of my life.
Excerpt of thought brought up:

If you're not sure, try, and if it feels right afterwards and things move along, keep going.

Wait until everything's lined up and then go for it.

Those are only ideals, there's infinite amounts of variations for both because ideals aren't real.

But in my case, I still believe God will speak to me. So I won't make any hasty moves, and I don't care if it lines up or not, but I earnestly desire for God to say it. It's not the correct one of three. I think God made people for all of them. But it was good for me to realize.
It's painful and confusing. So many questions like is God speaking now but I'm not hearing him? If he is then what am I doing wrong? Maybe I am hearing him but I'm expecting something else. Maybe he's not a chatterbox and doesn't speak very often. And always I feel so busy and blame that for not hearing him. Because if I gave him more exclusive time to speak, maybe he'd use the opportunities. And I'm not a person living in complete righteousness. Likely I have this whole life thing wrong, and I'm too soft, and selfish, and cruel. So maybe even if I gave him the time he still wouldn't because I'm wasting all the rest of my time. These are my thoughts. They've lived for a long time. And it would be difficult for them to leave because of the nice things you say.
I still believe God will speak to me.

On wednesday, I threw on Andy Hunter's Exodus CD at work and Kyle enjoyed the trip down memory lane to when he listened to techno and Jay got very annoyed. He complained, this music is for people who are high. Kyle asked, what about Nolan? He's not high. Jay replied, Nolan is naturally high.
I'm not sure what that all encompasses, coming from Jay, but it was interesting to hear.

I like the sunrises. I see them every morning again. They remind me that God loves me and is with me. He paints absolutely beautiful sky art even while I am being an impatient, rather intense driver.

Goodnight.

24 hours of... me

So I have the intention of writing about my life within the UM with this post, but you never know where my mind will meander.

I felt curiously calm this evening. Part of it may have been some of the strangeness (how non-committed was the beginning of this sentence?) during the reflective drive home - the old way home. I haven't gone that way since May because of construction. It felt so foreign. So far away in memories of youth gone by. I was listening to Thrice again and realized with a start that I bought that album when I still lived at my parents. But how could that be? I've been gone... oh only 6 weeks. Yes, I continue to stay true to my ridiculously fast adapting nature.

So what is normal now?

Normal is waking up at 5:30 AM, throwing on a hoodie, and going out to the kitchen to make myself breakfast and lunch. Both of these are slightly different now. I have my own kitchen cupboard and I have two fridges to choose from (actually there's 3 but I practically forget the other one exists and never look inside). Since the rest of the house is drinking skim or 1% or really weird, soy, I have to be different and have switched to homo. Connor shares my milk since it's especially vital that kids are nutritious.
Depending on how long I took for food, I will then unload the dishwasher and put away any dishes on the drying rack(s). This is very similar to home I suppose, it's just a different kitchen. Mine is much bigger, and much cleaner. My poor Mom, and the rest of the family. One day, one day.
At 6:30 AM is morning prayer. If I am responsible then I have already gone back to our room and changed into work clothes, grabbed my keys and wallet and have brushed my teeth. If not then at 6:40 AM is morning prayer...
Morning prayer has had low turnout so far with a few faithfuls (mostly the guys) but the others are repenting, just kidding, I kept telling them they could have a second morning prayer session later so they don't have to wake up early but Andy is just so darn cute that the girls can't bring themselves to have prayer without him.
I really appreciate whenever Jamie prays in the morning. I would never vote him a morning person but man alive he has some amazing prayer going on first thing.
Our prayer times have usually resembled reading a chapter or scripture, often a psalm, often 3 times, and then praying. We'll probably become more creative later. Either way, Andy blesses us with his previous experience with such things and has cool latin names for different styles of prayer.
Off to work I go. It usually takes me 25 - 30 minutes to drive to work in the morning. 60 km/h is what the lights are timed to and even then weaving may be required to ensure non-stop flow. Some mornings it's easy to relax and not care, others, well, I should say, nearly all, I am my usual intense driver self. Music is usually loud in my car.
7:30 AM I start work. It's really dark now at 7:30 AM. Day light savings kicks in though in a couple weeks so no sense in changing start time. Especially since it doesn't affect Jay who car pools and gets there at 8 anyway, and Kyle who likes to let me set up all the tools and then start working, or else just wait until 8 when Jay arrives. I actually don't mind. In principle it bothers me a tiny bit, but really I kind of like the quiet alone time without the stress of thinking about what I must do - I already know it.
Work until 10:00 AM. I do my thing, hopefully it goes alright. I like when I have ample materials to work with. I like when equipment is accessible and working properly. I like when I am not wet or cold. I like when I am not tired, because I like when I complete tasks quickly, and correctly. I don't like not knowing how to do something.
30 minute break time. I eat food, usually carrots, an apple, some yogurt. Then I read my Bible. Today for example I re-read Psalm 139 which we read for morning prayer. I love my amplified bible. It cleared up lots of thoughts from the morning. Then I was really tired, so I had a nap.
Work until 1:30 PM Work always includes discussing the news, sports, last night's activities, lots of joking around, music, and whatever else comes up.
30 minute break time. Repeat as above except I eat something a little more substantial, often left-overs, and more fruit. Today I read Proverbs 3 because God convicted me of my selfishness on the ride to work because this morning I was running late and flipped on the bedroom light instead of just the closet light because it makes finding keys, phone, etc. easier, except that Conner had come down and slept with RJ (this is the first time it's happened since we moved). RJ asked me to turn off the light. No. Please. No. He flipped the light off, I switched to the closet light. What was that you just read? Selfishness.

Let not mercy and kindness [shutting out all hatred and selfishness] and truth [shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood] forsake you; bind them about your neck, write them upon the tablet of your heart.

Then I noticed a cross-reference to Deuteronomy and ended up reading chapters 24-28 which are sweet. I have a couple friends quite interested in Judaism in various forms, and I myself am rather intrigued with the ideas, and I loved reading these chapters today.
On that note, please pray for Jesse, ask the Holy Spirit...

Work until 5:30 PM I wish I had more opportunities, or was bolder, or that Jesus would reveal himself to them, I suppose I'll just continue praying.

Drive home. More traffic, different strategies, still takes 35+ minutes.
Chat with whomever is around - probably in the kitchen though today I had to go looking downstairs (although if I'd actually come home at supper time tonight there would have been people in the kitchen).
Shower, dress, more kitchen hang out, or eating.

Evenings. This might include hanging out with people in the house, talking, listening, praying, cleaning, cooking. I have to do laundry once a weekish. I have dance classes on Thursday nights. I have so many friends (that I was advised to 'dump' some of them) to hang out with along with family. I'm always busy somehow. I don't know why. I can't believe I've lived here 6 weeks and my bedroom is such a disaster. I still have to go try mattresses, have Cyler order them (isn't he swell and a half?), figure out how to make a bedframe and then do it, along with the shelves and bookshelf we're building.
Hopefully Tuesday nights will become jam time. As always I'm beginning to feel the nag of my less than zealous nurture of my hobbies. I don't practice dancing during the week or go clubbing. I don't practice guitar. I don't do anything active.
I also fight with the question of whether either of those hobbies has any eternal significance.
Whether anything I do has any eternal significance. Yes 23 is a rather vague year. My focus is hazy and I don't understand life but it certainly keeps moving at breakneck speed.
I stay up too late. I'm usually in bed no sooner than 11:30 PM, and thus feel satisfactorily irresponsible and very angry that I will be tired the next day.
I end every day with my prayer from Ricardo. My liturgy. I know it's important, and almost every day it feels personal, even if I hardly need to look at the paper anymore. Still I have the nagging thoughts that I'm neglecting any intimate alone time with God.
Most days I have hope that the weekend will bring rest, or at least I tell myself it will, until the weekend comes and I am busy then too.
I also suspect I'm becoming addicted to people. I never want to hang out by myself. Maybe that's because I drive by myself and I have breaks at work by myself and many times at work I'm performing tasks by myself. I haven't seen friends for eleven hours.

Ha! Fooled you, I haven't written about the UM at all, just about me, me me me, all me.
Ah well maybe some other day, it's 11:00 PM and I haven't even showered, and by now I really don't care...

I love you all

My 22nd birthday party was fantastic.

Really this whole last while full of celebrations has been terrific. Faye's, Chasey's, Marty & Kari's, and others I didn't manage to attend.

Today was good God. I'm glad you made it.
So many great people I've had the priviledge to meet and know. Today I was allowed to thank them with some pizza that turned out scrumptious.
So many treats and I want to thank you for them.
Stu showing up even though I didn't invite him. I wasn't half as organized as I would have liked to be and missed inviting several people, but it was splendid having him over.
Thanks for Melanie getting me the pizza stone which proved itself on its commissioning.
Thanks for the opportunity to pray for Sherry this morning, and Sara briefly tonight.
Thanks for random fun in cutting up the cake my family put together for me.
Thanks for RJ taking me shopping and setting up.
Thanks for the other UMers cleaning up the house for this evening.
Thanks for giving me life all this week to meet each day.
Thanks for the chance to hang out with Kyle, Jess & Jay on Monday. Be mischevious Holy Spirit...
Thanks for bollywood lessons tonight.
Thank you for putting me in this house.
Thanks for breakdancing fun.
Thank you Father, for you give good gifts.
Please pour favour on those at the King's Table tomorrow.

It is now very late, as per usual, only today was not usual. Good night. Or as Shay always says, have a God night.

I've got it! I've lost it!

So I'm writing from my parents', again. I slept here last night as a matter of fact. On their new couch. It's not long enough for me and I'm sore today but I doubt very much that the couch can be blamed. The night earlier I was given the chance of a life time. Damien has taken tumbling which trained him with some of the many amazing talents he possesses. One of these is back flips. Whether you're aware of it or not, I've wanted to learn how to do backflips for a very long time. So last night I was presented with a large (to me) trampoline and a trainer. And I could not succeed. Instead I am sore from the ten times or so of landing on my head. It's very hard to break the natural rules your body has worked so hard to follow for years and years. Walking on 3 1/2 inch piece of wood beside a 30' drop means you naturally maintain balance, because you like living. Jumping on your own (smaller) trampoline for the last couple years, as high as you can possibly get yourself, you naturally don a particular posture, intended to help you land gracefully (maybe) and in control.

Anyway, it was not to be before I was 23.

Changing ages. A few months ago, I was very intent on having parties. Parties! Now I find it so hard to care. There have been a few breaks here and there. On Wednesday night I practiced the stuff I'd learned at my Funk class. I threw on Brandtson's new album, which I absolutely love now, and nailed down my routine with some wild energy unleashings thrown in here and there all to convince the rest of the house that I'd snuck elephants into the house and lit their tails on fire. OK OK so that wasn't my motivation at all, but the end result was still the same. I radiated life. I felt like myself for perhaps the first time since moving.
It was only 9:30 when I finished too which was bizarre! Then I grooved about putting dishes away and zealously cleaning the kitchen. The kitchen has been for a long time and will always be very personal for me. I cannot adequately describe how motivating it is for me to keep our kitchen clean when it actually is clean. Having lived at home where that was impossible, it was always a cycle of zealous energy with hopeless surrender. Now though I can fight to maintain, and according to our meetings' aggreement, the goal is to keep everything looking like, "gramma's house"

Anyway, in the midst of my kitchen groove, I remembered why I wanted to party in the first place.
Then I stayed up late and was tired again in the morning and almost cried at work I hated my job so much but was consoled by praying. Then I went to dance class and had great fun with a substitute teacher who taught us Hip Hop.
Friday I hated my job again and wasn't especially thrilled with life and in desperation on my break looked up Colossians 3:16 which is my life's verse - actually that's just a verse amidst a big passage that I clung to and actually memorized awhile back as having great meaning for life.
All of Colossians 3 was bread and air for me.

Colossians 3

1IF THEN you have been raised with Christ [to a new life, thus sharing His resurrection from the dead], aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.^(A)

2And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth.

3For [as far as this world is concerned] you have died, and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God.

4When Christ, Who is our life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in [the splendor of His] glory.

5So kill (deaden, ^[a]deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).

6It is on account of these [very sins] that the [holy] anger of God is ever coming upon the sons of disobedience (those who are obstinately opposed to the divine will),

7Among whom you also once walked, when you were living in and addicted to [such practices].

8But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips!

9Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices,

10And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect ^[b]knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it.^(B)

11[In this new creation all distinctions vanish.] There ^[c]is no room for and there can be neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, [nor difference between nations whether alien] barbarians or Scythians [^[d]who are the most savage of all], nor slave or free man; but Christ is all and in all [^[e]everything and everywhere, to all men, without distinction of person].

12Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].

13Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].

14And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony].

15And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].

16Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts.

17And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.

18Wives, be subject to your husbands [subordinate and adapt yourselves to them], as is right and fitting and your proper duty in the Lord.

19Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them.

20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.

21Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]

22Servants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not only when their eyes are on you as pleasers of men, but in simplicity of purpose [with all your heart] because of your reverence for the Lord and as a sincere expression of your devotion to Him.

23Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as [something done] for the Lord and not for men,

24Knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [and not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [real] reward. [The One Whom] you are actually serving [is] the Lord Christ (the Messiah).

25For he who deals wrongfully will [reap the fruit of his folly and] be punished for his wrongdoing. And [with God] there is no partiality [no matter what a person's position may be, whether he is the slave or the master].

And here is what I memorized and have been reviewing:

12Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

16Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise. Use his words to teach and counsel each other. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. 17And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, all the while giving thanks through him to God the Father.

And about that time I came upon some inspiration for another party to come about the beginning of November. We'll see what happens. I'm really good at getting grandiose ideas...

Yesterday I read a letter my grandpa gave me a copy of that he had written to a Jehovah's Witness some years ago. It was very encouraging, and I thanked God for it.

I went to the Crossroads Market for Faye's birthday party which was fun. I really hate shopping by myself (although I'm sure most people hate shopping with me), so it was fun to drag people around with me, like Chasey and my Mom, to sample fruit varieties and buy some stuff and just chat.

I will likely return today at 3 when everything will get price drops to clear out before closing.

Then I'm making waffles with Jenn.

I'm still drowning in the everlasting list of to-dos and the weight that brings. But little things like playing wall ball at night with tennis rackets, and casual regular life encounters with people at home, and freak-out moments about finances that turn out alright, these are good toys to have in the pool.

Hello, Control

I don't know why you say good bye I say hello.


The Beatles and Brandtson - how do you like that? A picture most of you won't recognize to describe how little control I seem to have of late. So little that it's more memorable to say hello.

It has been odd not writing the last while. I continue to live through events and ponderings that I would have wrote about, except. Except I don't have firm internet access for the time being, except I've been too occupied living through events to record them. Don't misunderstand, these aren't momentous events, they come and are gone.

Luke 6. Woe to me, for I am rich. Now what do I do?

The dishonest tax collector and the pharisee. I read it again and again one morning this week until the only thing I could pray was crying "God have mercy."

And I've been praying, but the prayers look different.
I started off praying for my housemates and other friends through the day at work.
Today and yesterday I was trying to calm down whilst driving by praying only to cut myself off with my wicked tongue lashing out viciously at other drivers.

Kryptonites.

Driving in heavy traffic. There were a couple days where I some how flukishly made it home quickly and foolishly hoped they might be normal.

I've almost worked in the same job 2 years. The itch kicks in right about now. Sadly no end is in sight. No, instead I feel Jesus pointing my spirit to the story of Jacob working 7 years, then another 7 years, then another 6. And if you pay attention, it starts off as 7 years being as nothing because of his love; it ends with the honesty of cold dreary shepherding nights, and rotten integrity from his boss who happens to be his father-in-law. Tips? Don't marry twice. Don't continue to work with family if it's creating bitterness. More thoughts? God cherishes people. Kyle is one of those people. I can continue to freeze fingers and rather they were holding a guitar if it means Kyle will be saved. Or I could rejoice and persevere until Kyle is saved...
Besides I don't feel ready. It's fun in a twisted sort of way to pray for Andrea during this time of her life. She wrote a song the other day. I thought that was awesome. She's playing twice this weekend in Canmore. Also awesome.
It's like romance I suppose. I don't feel ready for that either. Most of the time I never even have to think about it, but then hints of attraction will come along from someone or another and I'll realize the thought of dating someone is altogether terrifying.

I was driving home from rain gear shopping with my Dad at UFA when I made some joking comment about organizational freak first-borns.
"But you're not like that," he said with a look I'm trying to define but can't, it's one of his, and I know what it means, but I can't describe it.
It was neat hearing that from him. No I suppose for the most part I'm not, I've been exposed to too much psychotherapy stuff and have set about balancing myself for years and years. So I'd never be accused of being an organizational freak. Maybe just the freak part some days but that's not the point. I was getting around to saying that the organization needs still hit me, they're just slow in coming. But they've been nibbling at me, and I'm starting to fray.
All will be well though. Rhythms will come.

My funk dance class has begun. It is sweet. We'll have to see if the intro level is too slow for me, but it shouldn't matter too much; I can practice at home and maybe Jenn will give me some more moves I don't learn. Trivially, I was amused that Jasmine is in my class. I have no baggage left from her, I've had final closure for a long while. It would just be odd to start a conversation with her. And so I laughed in my head.

Faye is having an incredibly cool birthday party. That's because Faye is very cool. If you don't know her I suppose you still have a little time to befriend her before her party. She's poor so I suppose you could buy your way into it too by donating to the Faye still has 7 years of school left fund.

I dream of having cool parties, but that seems very far away right now.

I can't believe my leg isn't totally back to normal yet! My right leg that is, not the left one that I scraped up. I got a whopping charlie horse on Sunday morning while at the Harvest Moon Fest (which rocked). You would have felt so sorry for me Sunday night when I was all crippled and had to sit around during the MxPx. Sorry, you don't know me very well if you believed that. First of all you shouldn't feel sorry for someone who gets injured smashing into people in pits. Second of all, 30 seconds into MxPx I realized I couldn't sit around while they were playing so I hopped down to the pit and got right back in very enthusiastically and set about very competitively to be entirely exhuberant and pretend my leg was fine.

The Myriad were awesome live.

I got hit in the forehead with a Riley Armstrong DVD! Sweetness! He was so enjoyable. I appreciate him now because I'm old enough to be entertained like a little kid. Some day after I'm done being a full-fledged rock star I'll retire and begin aspiring to be the much more mature 'entertainer'. I'm honestly blown away by people who are so good at this. Rik Leif for example. They're like Mr. Dressup for adults. We just stand there with smiles on our faces we can't erase.
And apparently I was appreciative enough of Karla and Caleb that they were excited when Faye called me to invite me to come to the house concert they played on... Tuesday? or Wednesday? I don't remember. I've been wishing this week to end every day.
I got 7 1/2 hours of sleep last night and still woke up a zombie. It wasn't encouraging.

Well so long, I should return to Scarborough, and sleep in and not get to the market like I wanted, and instead go to some sort of art function involving Paul in Canmore followed by a party at their house. And it's about time for a party at their house, or any occasion to see them really.

PS - if you go to the very beginning of your FM dial, 83.1 or something like that, you will hear the Aboriginal Network Radio station. It's still in testing phase but you will hear global aboriginal music, and I have to say, it's pretty sweet. If you listen with Shay, he can accurately guess what region the music came from too!

So Goodbye Whitehorn, not Texas, Whitehorn

On Wednesday, I took my dog for a walk. I was so happy to be walking again that I wanted to celebrate so that's what I did after work. I hadn't intended anything more than just a regular walk, but as I got started I began thinking. Probably because my parents had prayed over me on Monday, I happened to think about leaving Whitehorn after all these years. So I decided to pray through Whitehorn a blessing as I part ways. I went to Whitehorn Drive, which is the street I did my prayer walks for a long time. Once I started on it, I couldn't stop. I had to do my old customary: 7 times, back and forth. It was deliciously grand. More delicious than the icecream sundae I'd made myself before I left.

It was like old times. God would give me prayers. I would smile and pray them. I sang several old worship songs, blessed all passers-by. And I thought about how Jesus is the shepherd and the sheep know his voice. Shepherds don't talk to their sheep. They make odd clicking noises and such. It reminded me that God, for whatever reason, chooses to speak in certain ways more often than others, and in various ways for different people. For some reason, it seems easier to listen while on prayer walks. Especially intercessory ones, where I try to maintain unselfish prayers, and instead focus on praying for the people living on that street.
So I became excited at the thought of going on prayer walks in a new community. It's a much smaller community and so it may in fact be easier to pray for the whole thing.
The thought of doing it with other people seemed a little bit daunting. When I'm by myself, I don't have to explain, I don't have to accomodate, I don't have to listen to other people. It's very relaxing.
Yet the thought of praying with other people is also exciting. Why? Because I love hanging out with other people. Having other people is very productful. Everyone has different personalities and outlooks and gifts and there's a splendid fullness to it.
I do like the quietness of prayer walks though. Perhaps it might be better suited to pairs of people.