Guacamole, Daylight & Friends: Pleasure

Sherry's "finishing her chapter" before we go to bed (there must be only two chapters in that book). So I hopped on the computer to read Faye's blog I noticed her working on the other day. There were in fact two posts. I also read Rachel's, and now I feel compelled to write my own.

I suppose a lot has changed since I was house shopping with Sherry last year. I don't know how much time I have to write this blog; Sherry could, after all, decide to get tired and not finish the book, I mean chapter. So what to include? Let me start with now and work backwards.

Right now, I just finished working on a Roof Material Estimating Calculations module. I'm in my 2nd year Carpentry apprenticeship 8 weeks of school. I just finished week 4. In 4 weeks I must return to work. Return to what work? Well, I'll probably go back to framing with Kyle - well probably not directly any more. I'll be running a crew now. Is this exciting news? Well, not really. In many ways it's disappointing. I'm still framing. It feels like the necessary denouement to my framing career. I've 'run things' while Kyle's been on vacation. But now it will be running things all the time. It scares me, because there are often bad things that arise while framing, and they are stressful to work around. You encounter other people's mistakes and have to compensate. You make mistakes and have to fix them. Your crew makes mistakes and you have to have them fix them. These sorts of things happen all too often and steal all the fun out of work. Then comes the complicated problem-solving opportunities that I always seem to take too much time thinking through. Mainly they go something like:

1. Don't screw this up like that other time Nolan

2. Hmm what if I did it like this?

3. But what about...

4. Agh this is taking too long and I'll screw it up even after all this deliberation - just do it!

Yes, often those were all vocalized - just to make sure I look crazy.

Then comes the tools-not-working setbacks and the weather wreaking havoc.

And it becomes oh so difficult to focus with all the mental multi-tasking of directing and teaching other people and trying to coordinate tasks efficiently, while making sure we have the right materials.

So, can I do it?

God I hope so. If only until November.

It will be good, it will be another step in 'growing up'.

Growing up, by the way, has come to mean attaining the right to say, "yes I can do that."

To honestly say those words, usually involves having struggled to learn how to do that once already, and succeeded.

Back to the disappointing part. I don't feel very fulfilled building houses that don't measure up to the potential I've discovered they can be. I'm not saying I only want to build million dollar houses. I'm saying I want to build sustainably. Sadly I will be working on Sable houses. Maybe that's necessary. Maybe it's better this way. It might be good to learn how to run a crew while working on quick and easy cookie cutters. In the future, when the economy picks up and Builders are looking for crews, I can slide over to working with a Jayman or an Avalon on Built Green houses. But that doesn't seem likely. I have fingers that have degenerated into miserable imposters for Canadian-raised appendages. I can't frame in the winter.

That's not a bad thing, because there are so many other pieces to building a house that I want to learn. Owning a house has only accelerated that need. Everywhere I look I now wish I could say, "I can do that."

If I didn't have quite so loyal a personality, I would just go find jobs in all the various trades for 3 months to get a basic understanding of each. Except that even if my loyalty didn't suck me into 6 year stretches, my quest for excellence in craft would.

Home renovations are intimidating. We have a tight budget (even if we didn't I'd still be shrewd and forever looking for more bang for my buck) and I have lofty ambitions. This generates the "all labour by me" factor in the equation. Which you might connect from the long ramble before this, will translate into stress as I fumble my way through the learning curve, and a gigantic magnet for the sucker in me who wants to find out how to excavate down to the footing, cut holes into the foundation, throw 4-7" of EPS foam on the exterior, enclose the chimney piping, move, expand, create, and replace windows and doors, complete with drywall and casing work, remove, trim and reattach soffit, install Hardi-plank siding, have an HRV system installed, finish the ceiling and top rim of a shower, install insulation stops in the roof, add more ceiling insulation, redo attic accesses that will properly seal air tight, build terraced window wells, engage in faux-painting techniques and finish in time to get busy on the yard work I have planned: Plant a few trees, build raised garden beds, and an elaborate garden. Then I'll rest up until I feel the need to frame in a closet in the bedroom downstairs and install cork flooring in the basement and the upper bedrooms, and pour a stamped concrete patio in the back, with a stone wall maybe.

So, call me slightly ambitious, or stupid.

I continue to get more and more complicated with my eating and cooking habits. I'm slightly ambitious in my quest for delicious and healthy food too. I'll save you the list though.

I've left behind past ambitions. I haven't gone skiing once yet, and haven't made any plans to do so. I haven't been climbing in almost a year. I never started dance lessons. I've lost old disciplines. I don't work out. I don't read the bible. No lectio divinas.

My Mom has cancer, and before Christmas I'd cry every day and pray for her. 2010, it's almost set into being normal, but every few days it will still hit me. My goal is to see her once a week, and even that feels weak.

Most of the time it feels like I'm trying my best. I still look for and appreciate wonderful things. Guacamole, daylight, an evening with friends. I'm quite sure it's those beautiful tastes, sights, and connections that keep life abundant. God deserves a lot of thanks. Sometimes I remember how it's easier than I think to be close to him. Other times all I can find is how hard it is to pin him down on demand.

His love is unfailing, and mine is persevering.

Shopping, But What Do We Need?

So Sherry and I have begun house shopping with our excellent realtor, Mark Horch.  Our search area is pretty broad:  South of the Bow River, East of Sarcee Trail, North of Fish Creek Park, and West of Barlowe Trail.  Our price range narrows down the physical area; I have yet to see anything come up in Mission for example.  Riverbend was a pleasant surprise as a focus community, it's beautiful, green, super close to Sherry's work, and the river/Carburn park, and you get really good value for your money.  Other surprise areas I didn't guess I would be seriously considering are Deer Run and Woodbine.  

So we've looked at hundreds of listings online, and gone out to see a dozen with more lined up.  And while yes, we can easily say, oh they're asking way too much for this, or wow, who let these plans get passed?  We don't really know what we're looking for.  We don't know who will be living with us.  How many bedrooms do we need?  Should we be looking for something we can suite?  How much can we really afford?  (especially if we want to dress it up).  Strange questions and yet I still think God will let us know which house to get.  And though I've very soberly thought it would be so much easier to be renting and saving for the next couple of years, I have no peace that it's the thing to do.  

In other news, tomorrow will be day 4 off of work due to my back/neck being scrunched Friday.  The awesome Dr. Nardella will be attacking me tomorrow again (my poor, poor abused body).  But no one heard me ask for a nice chiropractor, I just want results!  (he is nice anyway, he's just aggressive)

Research Projects

So, aside from Rock Climbing, I've been occupied with a few research projects lately.
I was in Chapters a few weeks ago with Sherry and came across a book entitled, How Jesus Became Christian, by Barrie Wilson. I opened it up and read a little bit. It seemed very controversial, and I wanted to read it. So we looked it up at the Calgary Public Library, and sure enough they had it. I looked for a couple of other books along the same lines from different viewpoints to balance things and found What Have They Done With Jesus? by Ben Witherington III and Lee Strobel's The Case For The Real Jesus.
Due to a house start delay and two especially cold days. I had a few days off work with which to get a giant head start on the reading. I was doing complimentary reading on the side with various biblical passages and looking into sources. And the first book got to me. As an aside, the writing style is irritating. The book could have been a third or less of its size if he didn't repeat himself endlessly, often quoting himself verbatim from previous chapters. But how would the book look impressive enough to be worth selling if it was a quarter of its size?
I was also irritated by his fixation on anti-semitism (what is semitism you might ask? Dicitionary.com gives us "Of, relating to, or constituting a subgroup of the Afro-Asiatic language group that includes Arabic, Hebrew, Amharic, and Aramaic." But some Nazi-influencing writer used it in contrast to aryan groups and now the only time you'll hear semitic is following anti and always specifically designating Jewish racial prejudice).
I'm sure historically anti-semitism has been an issue within purportedly Christian groups. Otherwise why would the media hype on it so much? But it just seems ridiculously stupid to me. Why would you hate the culture your God specifically honours? The people that your God chose to become human within? The race that founded your religion?
So very very ignorant, and perhaps this was pertinent back in medieval times when common people were exploited by some politically bent, power-mongering educated elitists. But come on? Do you really need to sell this to Chapters' readers?
That's not what got to me though.

His theory is that Jesus was a very Torah (Jewish Law)-abiding rabbi. That his true followers didn't think he was anything but a man, albeit an anti-Roman man, who was resurrected after his crucifixion, and now was waiting for the opportune time to return and create peace on earth. And that Paul was bored or demented and decided to invent a religion for non-Jewish people who thought Jewish people were cool, that would be more similar to some Hellenized religions (Hellenized, as in the virulent Greek-Roman culture). This religion was popular (even though it led to horrific persecution) until a Caesar made it the state religion, and then it became truly predominant and they snuffed out Jesus' true followers. But because it's more distinguished to be an ancient religion, they wrote the fictitious book of Acts to tie themselves to Judaism, and then hate Judaism.

It's all very nice to have a more objective perspective on the book now, but whilst reading it, I think I doubted my faith for the first time in my entire life. What would I do if Christianity's beliefs were all based on one man's mystical experience that didn't match up with the person in the vision?
Would I convert to Judaism like the author? Why? Then it would all be based on other people's mystical experiences.
How would I rediscover Truth?
My entire life, since early childhood I've believed in and interacted with God in very dynamic, and personal ways. So why would I suddenly doubt my entire life? I think it's because I value truth, whether I like it or not.

So it has been very interesting to find out how biased and often very unreliable his sources are. It has been very refreshing to go through the second book which while countering the first book in many ways quite successfully, also has brought many additional new things to light.
Right now though I don't want to go on at any length since I haven't finished, but I'm satisfyingly learning.

Sherry and I have also been poking about in the world of autonomous and sustainable housing.
I build houses for a living and it was of great comfort to recently discover that framing is still important in the construction of eco-houses. We went to visit ASH Inc. 's public tour of their house-office last Saturday and it was exciting. For one thing, their website is far outdated and thus there were lots of new and fresh innovations and developments. But mostly it was exciting because our dream is so tangible and attainable, in a sooner than later kind of way.
What we would like to see is a Co-op Housing development created with this kind of building approach. So now we must look into Co-op Housing into much greater detail (lucky for us we have friends involved in one), while continuing to do research into the building side, to figure out the specific steps of action we must take.

The last field of research which I will include to show my failures, is personal investing and finances. I'm still in the everlong spot of lots of intention and several points of trying to instigate, but nothing has yet materialized in any sort of real beginning.

The Deadliest Of Creatures By My Bed

Sherry found a Venus' Fly Trap on sale at Rona last week when we were shopping and we got it.
When we first stepped into the garden centre, I was in love. It was bright and green. The air was humid, fresh and powerful. There were a myriad of beautiful living artworks. Thus I exited a proud and determined father of a plant (smugly still not possessing any pets). The instructions seemed simple enough. I would dedicatedly care for this wonder. In return it would smite my great nemesis, Mr. Fruit Fly.
Then I got home and looked them up on the internet and found some of the funniest written material I've come across in a long time:
The International Carnivorous Plant Society
Brilliant! Except I was doomed...
Venus' Fly Traps are ridiculously finicky and very high maintenance. What a fantastic first choice Nolan.
And yet I have prevailed on my quest. I went and bought a water filtration system at Community Natural Foods (my boss got it a couple of months ago). I had been considering it for awhile but regular city tap water just isn't good enough for my plant. No chlorinated fluoridated sewage for its likings.
I also bought Sprite Zero. Who would have guessed plants need artificially sweetened carbonated beverages? Well they don't. They just need a cheap terrarium, courtesy of a bottle whose bottom has been cleaved off.
Next I bought a lamp, a very stylish lamp from Wal-Mart I might add, paired with the oh-so-economical 13watt compact fluorescent bulb pumping out over 800 lumen (which I pimped out with brightness-increasing internally-reflective foil). That was not enough though. I had to carefully construct a 4 sided box from a nacho chip box and aluminum foil. Originally I had planned to make its home my bathroom; I decided against such things when I realized how annoying having an extension cord going across the counter and haphazardly balancing the appartment on my bath tub would be.
So now it gets to live on my bedroom window sill right above a heat register. With the timer for plugging my car in being used to ignite the light after the sun abandons the windowed west-facing wall at noon.
No it's not the $300 fish tanked wonder environment the website boasts, but my plant may just survive. At least it's lived long enough for me to feed it all the dead fruit flys collected off the other window sills.

The Night Before Snow Flies

Everything is different while life moves on in similar ways.

I still have to cook dinner once a week, but now I do it on the same day of each week, I needn't prepare as much food, and I often eat with just Sherry and possibly Faye.  

I still frame houses, but now there is less security than ever of having another house to succeed the present one, and I travel further away to build them.  I also carpool with Sherry, which is warm and fuzzy.  I still endeavour quite naturally to pray for and love my coworkers, but again there is another beyond the first.  

I played with another band that sparked a little bit of drive but lacked members of commitment.  

I've read more books to challenge my thinking and ways of life, and excitedly retold stories of their ideas, and with two I've been able to share the telling with Sherry, and that has been delightful.  

I've purchased, and listened to more music.  As always, some of it has proven more impulsive than wise, and others are phenomenal - dulling their peers and predecessors.  

I've hung out with family and friends.  Friends are probably seen more seldom than ever, but always prove fond with sight or sound - oh I love laughter.   

I've made to-do lists that never get finished, but at least a couple of things on each assure me I'm not entirely lazy or useless.  

I've been relaxed, and enamoured, and let my hair get too long.  

My car is still running, while its doors fall to pieces. 

I get more sleep than ever, but don't have the same energy as before.  

Each day seems to suggest that the world is full of pressing crisis, the most prominent being my lack of adequately addressing them.  And each day seems to contain a great deal of beauty and joy that suggests crisis can't overcome.  But perhaps that's because the crisis hurts others more than me.  

Thank God he speaks, saves, counsels and loves more than me.  

August Almond Coconut Coffecake

So I would have finished with a splash and the cake but the image uploader is undergoing internal errors. We had a UM BBQ last night, complete with pictures which I suppose I could also post off my camera but first I should get some post-processing software which I can compress them with so they upload in a blink and second I should actually look into something like flickr to post lots of pictures. I'm not despondent anymore. You probably know me well enough to realize it can't stick very long. We looked at a fantastic house to rent last night too and are praying that we are the blessed chosen ones to receive it. Today when I arrived at work I found that the lock was not secured properly on the trailer, for five days. Holy Cow! No... Actually as I recall, I specifically prayed over the site and the trailer before I left Thursday and it would be Holy Jesus who protected it. I love him.

Life seems different. I've been practicing music again. It's painful how bad I've become, but it's so satisfeche to be playing. Which is what I should be doing right now. Learning Smashing Pumpkins and Stone Temple Pilots, Metallica and Bush - yes Greg is obsessed with the 90s. The rest of the summer will fly by - Sherry's parents' 35th wedding anniversary, my cousin's wedding, our friends' wedding, not to mention packing. I haven't been out climing once (though I did get to go backpacking twice - hooray)! Of course I still haven't seen several friends since our wedding (or earlier...) either! But with lots of work, and the usual commitments of volunteering at JLYS and now band practice once a week - just spending time with Sherry, my housemates and family takes a lot.

It's been good to focus lately on the concept from the 4-faced creature out of Revelations that all creation worships God when it does what it was created to do. Humans have the unique priviledge of adding to that: articulation through artistic expression. Which is why I must start practicing music again. Good night and God bless!

I Need Someone Else's Optimism

A lot has happened since I last wrote and greater things deserve to be written about than what will be.  I'm grumpy.  There's a lot beneath that, but I'll try to stay on today's source of agitation.  Our lease is up at the end of August, and the fall will look very different.  I remember last summer's doom and gloom discussions and Angela being so bright-side and encouraging.  I needed that.  I probably need a whole lot of those this summer.  Dear Jesus help.  

The Clouds Are Getting Ominous - Pray about this please

Joshua3:5And Joshua said to the people, Sanctify yourselves [that is, separate yourselves for a special holy purpose], for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.

    6Joshua said to the priests, Take up the ark of the covenant and pass over before the people. And they took it up and went on before the people.

    7The Lord said to Joshua, This day I will begin to magnify you in the sight of all Israel, so they may know that as I was with Moses, so I will be with you.

    8You shall command the priests who bear the ark of the covenant, When you come to the brink of the waters of the Jordan, you shall stand still in the Jordan.

 ^{Malachai 3:7}Even from the days of your fathers you have turned aside from My ordinances and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, How shall we return?

    ⁸Will a man rob or defraud God? Yet you rob and defraud Me. But you say, In what way do we rob or defraud You? [You have withheld your] tithes and offerings.

    ⁹You are cursed with the curse, for you are robbing Me, even this whole nation.^(C)

    ¹⁰Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.^(D)

    ¹¹And I will rebuke the devourer [insects and plagues] for your sakes and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground, neither shall your vine drop its fruit before the time in the field, says the Lord of hosts.

    ¹²And all nations shall call you happy and blessed, for you shall be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

Matthew 9:17

Neither is new wine put in old wineskins; for if it is, the skins burst and are torn in pieces, and the wine is spilled and the skins are ruined. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved. 

Mark 2:22

And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the wine will burst the skins, and the wine is lost and the bottles destroyed; but new wine is to be put in new (fresh) wineskins. 

Luke 5:37-38

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the fresh wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled and the skins will be ruined (destroyed). But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. 

Ezekiel 11:19

And I will give them one heart [a new heart] and I will put a new spirit within them; and I will take the stony [unnaturally hardened] heart out of their flesh, and will give them a heart of flesh [sensitive and responsive to the touch of their God]

Ezek 18:31; 36:26; II Cor 3:3

I am blessed in the storm

in the calm

in the everyday

My marriage is blessed and ordained by God

I must fight for it

I will be down

It's God holding me down

He's going to give me new skin

new legs

a new heart

a new body

I will be raised up with Sherry

Who will be my Philip? (who explained the scriptures to the Eunuch)

The Clouds Are Getting Ominous, So Very Ominous

But I won't get back on the bus.  I'm starting to sense hints, even while writing this down.  

Evelyn

I love my family.  Even if many of them won't be able to come to my wedding in two months, I will see lots of them over the next couple of days, except one.  

I was driving to work this morning and thought of her and started crying.  I was in the middle of bawling my eyes out, when I suddenly pictured my face and burst out laughing because Sherry doesn't believe me that I can 'sob' (even though she's been right beside me) as it appears very reserved, as far as crying goes I suppose.  My face gets all scrunched up and my eyes burn and fill up with water and it gets hard to breathe.  But I haven't sobbed yet, just moments of crying here and there - it will come.  

Later on in the morning my Mom called to tell me that she'd passed away.  I'd lost my grandmother.  

This won't be the post to remember her.  I want to wait until I get home.  Perhaps Wednesday afternoon before JLYS.  

Right now I'm enjoying the memory of her face.  Her easy smile.  Her beautiful laugh.  Her troubled, "ohh." - almost more of a question.  

I want to go be with family.  I hope we get to hang around in living rooms and popcorn stories.  That's far more appealing than ceremonies.  

I'm grateful.  For a number of things.  I had very much wanted to write my grandparents a letter to send along with our wedding invitations, but the time came and life was hectic, and I deferred to - oh I can just send them a separate letter later.  It's very sad that I can't write them 

that letter.  I don't feel pained about it though.  I started singing at work, quite randomly - correction - quite led by the Holy Spirit (which has happened several times today and is in fact one of the 'number of things'), and cried:

"Sing a song of celebration

Lift up a shout of praise 

For the bridegroom will come, the glorious one

And oh, we will look on his face

We'll go to a much better place

Dance will all your might

Lift up your hands and clap for joy

For the time's drawing near, when he will appear

And oh we will stand by his side

A strong pure spotless bride

Oh we will dance on the streets that are golden

The glorious bride and the great song of man

From every tongue and tribe and nation will join

In the song of of the lamb"

Just last week I was pondering the scripture, "In my Father's house are many mansions:  if it were not so, I would have told you.  I go to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2)  The word mansions.  I think as a child the idea was that God is building you your mansion.  That's ridiculous.  You know what mansions are for?  Lots of people together.  It delighted me, as I am living in a community house and it thrills me.  And some day, in heaven, I will wash dishes with Chasey for her and she'll be pleased and help us put things away and sing a little and tell us stories about how she picked up tangelos at the market.  She won't mind that I didn't get her that last letter, because we have all eternity to chat and joke, garden and cook, and sneak smiles with Jesus at all the moments treasured.  

A Rare Condition

I've wanted to say this for a few weeks now, and now I wonder as to what it means.

I think that I'm satisfied in life right now.  It's hard to say that when there are so many loose ends and more unresolved issues than I'm probably even aware of.  There are of course many uncertainties about even the near future and its arrangements.  People continue to ask me questions and bring up topics that remind me of what a fragile thing security is.  

Yet I dare say that I enjoy my life.  In contrast to so many other periods, I'm not fighting with confusion.  I'm not 'doing my time' waiting for, well for life to begin.  I'm already alive, and still believe the words that life is not a tragedy.  And I, I am not a tragedy; not the sum of a variety of failures, incompletes, lates, inabilities, absences, indiscretions, and disappointments.  No.  I am loved by God.  And he's contagious.  It starts sticking, and shifting, and spinning out.  

So pick 3 things Nolan...

Pick 3 things that you like about yourself - the evidence - with 3 instances.

And I don't want to.  

God reminded me of something he said, which I didn't want to use because it doesn't seem very glamourous - it's not very servantish, rather self-concerned really.  But all that aside,

I am a lover of music.

People frequently comment (Ryan did on Thursday and Friday) that I am always grooving/moving to the music (whether it's there externally or not).  It's true.  Very Calvin & Hobbesish but I love it, and it gets inside me.  

Pursuant/Resolutionizer (leads you to think of it clearer than Resolver)

I don't leave things to themselves.  I'll go after them; confront them.  

[Actually I'm fading - too much writing & thinking - I'm just staring now - I've lost my train of thought and motivation - ironic huh?]

Sentimental Income Tax Break

Well so far the worst day of the year hasn't been so bad.  I slept in, had weird dreams, ate 3 bowls of cereal and listened to Travis (the band) while beginning sorting through my filing.  For quite a while it has mildly irked me that my filing drawer is ridiculously over-stuffed.  Today I started pulling out all kinds of files and folders that don't need to be kept anymore, such as my pay stubs from 1998.  Actually I had a strange reaction to throwing those away - just the look of the paper brought back smells and sounds; faces and feelings.  

And I pulled out the letters folder.  I think I stopped putting more in after awhile because it was so full, yet this morning/afternoon I decided to read through them...  

I always like a good dose of nostalgia so I don't even feel guilty about how much time has been spent without even highlighting gst values on receipts.  

I had most, if not all, of Natalie's notes and letters in there.  That was wild to read through.  It's incredible how much writing can capture a person or a time.  I've changed so much in the last seven years and it was stimulating to revisit the past.  

Wow, what a time high school was.  I was constantly tired and under pressure.  I remember begging my Mom on a weekly basis if I could take even a short holiday from life - maybe a month or so but preferably a semester and then come back again.  I was working part time, doing unending homework, hanging out with friends and dating.  Very intriguing to look back at her letters and gain so many clues about what my letters probably contained.  I was deeply introspective, philosophical, reflective - always digging, as opposed to Natalie's notes which were so fun and full of the moment, almost frantic with dreams that were probably fulfilled later but treated like they should happen now.  She along with so many others challenged and sharpened and enlivened me, and got me into lots of trouble I probably didn't mind.  

I just switched settings and songs on my itunes which reminded me of my newest trivial and daunting mission:  I want to rip all of my music with FLAC or some other lossless encoder (and detailedly categorize it all and develop advanced smart playlists), and collect lots of fun hits to be used for the wedding, and really I'm starving for new music but realize that I can't really afford the time or money to go searching for something I will really appreciate - not that I have time for that other trivial mission - and I have large doubts as to whether it will be fulfilled.  

OK back to something I want to write about:

I had several letters from Beth too which were cool but self-fulfilled with these words:

"Boys are only scary in that to invest in a guy is to risk a part of me.  Girls are essentially emotional and the sharing of anything emotional is to give a part of herself.  I feel confident with you because a lot of our talk is spiritual or intellectual, and because you've had a serious girlfriend in the course of our friendship and it didn't change too much.  But most friendships with guys will probably change or die as they get married and we drift apart, so whatever part of me I've given them will go.  And I'll have that much less to give the man I marry.  Maybe it'll mean very little to him, but what goes on within is vital to me."

I met Beth at a River Roots (may long weekend camp) in high school and kept in touch by letter for years (actually, it might have started as a swap emails or whatever and pray for someone, which is exactly what we did).  We had such surprisingly strikingly different views and beliefs and were always sparking debates, amidst relating personal happenings.  

There were various other letters from friends and family including a couple I absolutely treasured from Faye which I feel like publishing:

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.  Almost every time I go to pray for you I want to argue with God about your fast and tell him to make you stop.  But every time I am refuted.  I'm glad that you have this opportunity to suffer for a time.  That is the weirdest sounding thing to say and no doubt if anyone else ever reads this letter they'll think you came from a very sadistic family, but I am glad for you.  I'm glad that when it's over you'll always be able to look back and know that you chose God and that God is so worthy of that choice that you would do it all over again.  I'm that that, perhaps for the first time in your life, you're learning to wait silently, without doing anything - I'm glad you'll have that experience too, even if it was only possible because your body was too weak to do much else.  You have tried not to let too many people know that you are fasting because it is something between you and God alone and so I constantly remind myself that it isn't my place to tell anyone either.  But for the people who do know, your actions are having a profound impact.  I think of you as "the changeling" in my mind because as you passionately seek change in your self, you cause the people and systems around you to change as well.  It just seems to be a unique charisma God gifted you with.  I'm glad you use it for good instead of evil.  :)  I love you very much Nolan and I know God is going to bless you for your obedience to him in ways I will never be able to even imagine. "

The 'good instead of evil' reference made me laugh because I also read a letter from Steve which contained:

"Hopefully there'll be more interesting people in CompSci than in Engineering.  That that the friends I made in Engg weren't nice but they're so not Nolanish.  That don't have that Nolany characteristic about them  And you know what?  I even have to humble myself to you in this aspect.  I alone am not strong enough to turn one, the way you turned Trevor.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  You are the emperor and poor little Trevor was Anakin.  If anything, I'm like Vader minus the evil aspect of course.  But you see, Vader wasn't strong enough to turn Luke over to the dark side.  You are the king of corruption.  If only I had an infectious robot to spread sarcasm and immature child-like behaviour all over campus.  I would call it NolBot2002."

Another letter from Faye, written January 17th 2006 (the date is included because I want to go look for the referenced blog - not because I compulsively added dates and times to nearly all my letters):

"Dear Nolan,

Sorry this isn't a comment on your log - I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I just can't be bothered to remember what my epic password is.  Probably something like "nopassword"...

Anyways, I wanted to tell you something about yourself:  You're still my hero (even though you don't make cool motorcycle noises while you proudly bike around without having to sit on your bike seat! anymore).

Two weeks ago at Epic on Sunday, I sat beside Jen at church.  She wouldn't come sit close beside me - she needed space to feel strong.  I wished I could think of something to offer her in her grief over the loss of her mom, but the only thing that kept coming to mind was a passage from Captivating by John Eldrige, "After my father died, for weeks and months afterwards, the only thing that comforted me, that could heal me, was beauty."  

I didn't know how to offer Jen beauty.  Then you started dancing and playing with Conner on St. Paul's blessed slippery sloped wooden floors.  I watched her watch you both.  Conner kicked your shoe at you and she laughed.  I asked if she wanted to move over so she could see better.  She did.  I offered her your beauty, the glory of God in your love of a child.  

Going further back, a couple weeks after my birthday party, Caroline came up to me at Epic and told me, "I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to your party, and for sharing your family.  I just love your family!  They're so open and welcoming; I totally felt free to just be myself."  She was referring to our whole family in general, but I believe you were a great proportion of that reference, given that the biggest highlight of the party for her was watching My Fair Lady, where only you and Sam and my friends were present.

People change the way they act around you, Nolan.  In my experience, there are only 2 types of people for whom others will bend themselves to emulate a better version of themselves: (1) An intimidating tyrant who either manipulates or scares others to put on a false exterior of "goodness" or (2) a vibrant and genuine person who simply inspires other people to put out/forth the best that is in them, for sheer delight.  This person heals people just be being present.  Our grandparents are such people, I've noticed.  Sindy is such a person.  And so are you.  

I might not have had that birthday party if it wasn't for you, badgering me to do what you knew I wanted to do but was afraid of and therefore avoiding.  I do a LOT of things with you that I would never dare do alone and many other things alone that  I wouldn't make myself do unless you told me otherwise or I thought you would tell me otherwise.  I don't try those things because I'm afraid you'll judge me or "show me up" (like a classic "scrappy" middle child) but because you are a source of safety to me.  I know that God would never do anything evil to his children and I know that God speaks through you, so if you ask/tell me to do something, I feel compelled to courage, to strength, to challenge, to adventure, to love to go.  To be like you, in order to be more like me.

Um, anyways, I'm starting to babble.  You were right:  I did want to look at the blog.  Love always, Faye"

and lastly (because these were all I found in the folder):

"Happy Valentine's Day Nolan!

Since you refuse to abandon God's leading to accumulate the ill-fated love of another Delilah, this will probably be the only mushy and sentimental love letter you'll receive this Valentine's.  Take that!  

I love you, Nolan and I'm so glad you're my crazy older brother about whom I regale friends with tales of lunacy and androgyny.  I'm so grateful for all the times you've been there to listen to me or to teach me things about life and faith through your open/honest stories of your own journey. 

I'm proud of you for listening to God, even if you don't always follow his directions immediately.  I hope you have funk music dance parties with God and friends from here to Ontario to the Mediterranean to Timbuktu.  Love always, Faye Archer"

Honeymoon Research

So really I suppose this is mostly for Sherry, but this is where we'll be going for two weeks before heading to Guatemala:

http://www.anywherecostarica.com/playa-hermosa-costa-rica/travel.htm

which is inside:

http://www.anywherecostarica.com/guanacaste/costa-rica/travel.htm

Check out all the parks around!

Destroying Music

Now it's time to read boys and girls.  Today we'll learn about how modern mastering practices have produced albums to fatigue (aggravate) your brain and make you compulsively skip tracks, not to mention the loss in dynamic range that actually makes music interesting and enjoyable.  Yes yes Nolan but aren't you just ranting about some small sacrifice that they've made, surely in the name of the greater good?  No, the ideological benefits behind such practices are based on myth-driven industry competition.  Anyway, stop listening to me, and go read.

Austin360

Rolling Stone

Wikipedia

Divine Evening

Good evening, morning, whatever.  My eyes are begging me not to wake up for a long time, after I let them go to sleep, but I'm ignoring them just now.  Part of what I'll write shall explain why.  

I got home this evening already in a mood.  I could feel the mood coming at about 4:00 PM still at work.  I finished off the day fine, and when I came home I threw in a pizza to cook while I showered, home alone.  Before the pizza was even finished I already knew I needed to do something with someone, and preferably watch a movie.  What about my friends?  Hadn't I just talked to Kirk about watching a movie?  I'll call him.  I'm sure he would have except that he was already going to a friend's birthday party.  I wished him well and stared at the pizza baking in the oven.  I called Nathan, whose last movie, I still hadn't even seen!  No answer.  What about my family?  It would especially be great if I could watch a movie with Chasey, but I love all of my family.  It should be noted that before I even got home I thought of RJ whom I thought of last post, thinking, RJ will be sad that I didn't mention him and perhaps a little left out, silly RJ, of course I love him and am thinking of him, these were just random unfinished thoughts of a few people.  Anyway, I knew he was gone to Saskatchewan so I couldn't hang out with him. His car and his missing person at my house were evidence to support this when I arrived home.  How delightful for me that Faye answered the phone and said, you should ask Chasey, he's bored, I have to do homework.  Well sad for Faye needing to get homework done - I mean cheers that she's doing it, but sad that she's so burnt out of excessive school.  I packed my things, because I thought, I should just sleep over since I'm working on my car with my Dad in the morning anyway.  I included my journal, my premarital book, and hoped to do a lectio divina.  I set off and swore when I reached Barlowe Trail upon realizing that I'd forgotten my speaker which is slightly necessary to install before you can put the door panel back on.  

I talked with my Mom for 5 minutes or so when I got home, because I like her, and then I went down to Chasey's room.  I got to see his newly acquired acoustic bass, and hear about his first gig with his new band.  They played an X92.9 night at the Blind Beggar, and apparently got a very good crowd reaction.  Chasey wanted to ask my Dad if he wanted to watch the movie with us (what a stand-up-kind-a-guy that Chasey).  I was wary of his reaction since he tends to opt, rather vocally, for more entertainment-driven movies and I wanted to watch Magnolia...

He decided he wanted to watch it with us even though I warned him, and so we put it into the player only to find out:  This must be Andy's movie; it doesn't work.  Silly DVD coding regionality nonsense.  

Well, apparently the movie store at Village Square is cheap.  Good.  Let's go there.  So off we go.  Chasey drove, and as he commented, it was a first for him to drive me around.  We spent too long looking for movies (it's always too long) but it felt better because I was with other people and both Chasey and Dad have seen lots of movies that I have been interested in but didn't see.  Thus, I enjoyed just hearing about their satisfaction with a great many movies.  Anyway, I started to wind up and put the pressure on picking the movies.  Ah yes movies, with an s.  You see it's $3 to rent 1 movie for a week, but it's $6 to rent 3 movies for a week.  A no brainer of course...

So we came home with The Weatherman, Punch Drunk Love, and of course Magnolia.  Remind me to make sure I actually get to see The Weatherman with them since it was my pick...

We returned home where my Mom had fallen asleep on the couch.  My Dad made popcorn while Chasey showed me the mass Christmas family photos that Jono took.  They were stellar, but WHERE WERE THE TRADITIONAL NOLAN AND CHASEY PHOTOS???   I mean, they were stellar, thanks Jono!!! :)  

I got to see Samantha's grad photos too and can I say WOW?  Yeah, 30 stylish, fantastic, Samantha looking wonderful photos to choose from.  There wasn't a bad one in the bunch.  Write to your Calgary Board of Ed rep and thank them for firing Johnsten's, and then tell Sam how photogenic she is and how great her smile is.  

So then we sat down for the 3 hour movie.  It was odd, there was ridiculous amounts of swearing, an old couple having sex and yet again I enjoyed the Paul Thomas Anderson film.  

First of all, if you're going to make quirky, layered, thematic, subtle yet intense, slow, movies, you have to make them with a great deal of style so that they're still intriguing and enjoyable to watch.  It was.  Lots of really cool camera work, soundtrack integration, raining cats and dogs and frogs.  And ah yes, the oodles and oodles and still more noodles of connections and motifs and issues raised in the film.  

At the end my Dad gave me one of his looks and asked, "why did Andy like this movie so much?"

So I told him.  And then I proceeded to explain why I agreed with Andy.  Which is really to say that this movie is supposed to make you think.  What struck you?  What stuck out?  What impacted you?  And to be fair, I had to share what stuck out for me.  Which is hard with such a layered movie, because you need time to sort that all out.  But I thought out loud.  And it was a turning point.  Funny thing about watching a movie about 'coincidences' and connections because earlier, God had brought up again that I was to have our family have a forum on alcohol.  I still haven't done it.  But I'm shooting for April 19th now.  I'd talked to my Mom about it again in our 5 minute chat, but as we started discussing the movie, I felt God pointing out that this was a little preview.  

So I asked my Dad what stood out to him, and he had LOTS of interesting things to say, he impressed me once again, with how much he picks up that I miss, and Chasey shared, and my Mom shared and it was all very natural and interesting and personal and I loved every second of it.  

Twist

More and more I find myself searching for the depth in movies that I looked for before, but can appreciate to a greater extent now with a tiny bit more maturity.  After watching Punch Drunk Love, There Will Be Blood, and Magnolia, and being hit with all of the brainwork and soul-searching that follows, it made me return to God repeatedly going on about me and music.  I'm supposed to be writing out my goals in music, in a similar way to what my guitar teacher had me do so many years ago.  Small goals, big goals, long term, practical, dreams, all of it.  

God's talked to me about making music that will have an effect on the spiritual.  

Watching movies like these makes me think of how art can be that way - no it's not quite the same.  But I think my goal is to go for it.  To see it through.  To see how making 'prophetic' music turns out.  Which seems simple but is quite a turn from my natural tendency to make excellence my highest (and hardest) goal in music.  

And I have to keep writing.  Not out of obligation although this is something else God's talked to me about.  Writing helps me establish things.  Keep writing.  OK.  My eyes will understand tonight.  

Token Update

I'm not inspired to write necessarily, but I'm annoyed by still having the last post sitting there.  Let the rambling commence.  

I'm missing Sherry now in a strong way, but I'm coping by still living in a community house that makes demands of you frequently (but all in all in a good way), and working very hard, and trying to get organized.  

My goal is to get my delinquent budgeting done this weekend, and all my hordes of filing, and if I'm feeling especially ambitious, I'll begin my pre-income taxes.  My other goals are to fix my car door, but I haven't talked to my Dad yet, and to go to church on Sunday and then rush off for skiing.  Yes I can just feel the likelihood of that last use of "especially ambitious".  

I have been enjoying work lately.  Last week Kyle got bronchitis and so I was the boss for 3 days with Adam.  Adam is a stand up kind of guy, and honestly, I feel loved at work having him around.  Take that Ryan, now who's emotional?  And oh yeah, I've been coping by giving smoochies to guys, well, only three so far, RJ , Shay, and Ryan Shantz, but Shantz is impressive, you have to agree, I think I might have even got him twice.  

Anyway, Adam shakes my hand or we do the fist punch thing before he takes off, and he picked me up an ice cap and a muffin one day, and got me an ice cap as a surprise another day, "because he knew I'd say no, so he got it anyway."

Anyway, Adam has been fun to have around just because he's a great guy, and because it's refreshing to be reminded of what it was like to start and to learn everything new.  I also enjoy teaching people things, and encouraging them, and I get to do both.  

It's also fun to have little joke competitions with him, like how much wood can you carry at once?  Well, actually it's fun just to joke around with him period.  So yeah, guess what Mom, I made a new friend at school, er work.  Oh yeah, he'll get one of my six left-over invitations.  

And I decided I really do want to invite Terry & Leah.  I miss Terry some days at work, and we were good friends, and I think God's Holy Spirit whom they don't believe in will be pretty prominent at the wedding.  God loves weddings!  It's BC on a long weekend, they might actually come too!  

Ah yes, and the weather has been incredible!  2 weeks of pleasant, yes pleasant, spring-like weather!  When you get to take off your shirt for a few days, Mmm, mmm, mmm.  

I am keenly aware that I want to make money right now too, so working long hours is an agreeable prospect, especially whilst Sherry is gone.  I'm tempted to work a few Saturdays, but that might be a little bit over the top.  

OK but it's after ten, so I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed, because even though I got a decent amount of sleep yesterday, it was a finally, and didn't make up for the week or so of not enough.  Silly Rabbit, Trix are for boys who stay up reading hoping Sherry will come online, instead of going to bed early when they get the chance.  

Adios amigos!  

[Addition]  Oh I'm tired, what was I about to say.  Ah yes, I laughed at JLYS on Wednesday.  Mark was helping me and Sarah out.  Mark is a middle-aged man (his son was in grade 12 I think?) who's starting to volunteer and he was GREAT to have around.  The laugh though, was when he commented, "you sound like Napoleon Dynamite."  I had to tell him that I was like this before the movie even came out and made it cool.  

And Adam asked how I get so brown, which I laughed at because I am in pasty white winter mode right now - he's delusional.  

Goodnight.  Pray for Sherry writing an expansive paper, and for Trevor who swore he'd make my wedding fun, and Nathan making a trilogy, and Sherry's Mom who's doing all my wedding planning for me, and Andy getting all romantic and struggling with what will happen with himself and location and future and all that, and us in the UM as we listen to and follow whatever God may say about whats and hows, and really most of these have been very scratch-the-surface of surfacey, and I miss Andy too.  The only good thing about him being gone is that I can turn on the main light in the morning and not worry about making as much commotion.  I need to start snorting water when he gets back.  That way he can tell me if it helps.  

Does the Library have Lonely Planet books?  Does someone have a library card who wants to sign me out Costa Rica and Guatemala?  Or better yet, find them used for cheap?  That would be awesome!  

Help, My Motivation Is Drowning or My Mind Is Cracking

I feel like I have a bit of a split personality right now.  When I am in my room, surrounded with unopened bills and receipts that need to be accounted for and filed, and generally a giant pile of mess and responsibility and loathsome paperwork, I find myself shutting down mentally.  And so I will wander out to the kitchen and then perhaps look at my message board where I left myself a long list of additional to-dos and I might snack on something, lately cereal or toast.  Then perhaps I'll see someone and start talking to them and the conversation will soon steer towards things I must do, or worse, they'll talk about doing things that I could do to distract myself like watching a movie.  

When at last I resign myself to working, and return to my cursed room and turn on my computer.  I try to console myself that at least I can listen to some music while I work but then I turn on itunes and remember, itunes is a wretched piece of computer-programmed accomplishment bent on malevolence and frustration, and ultimately depression.  And as I continue to try to do anything on my iMac I'm reminded again and again and again why I hate these rotten filthy vile contraptions of evil and disfunction.  It laughs at how it fooled me into buying it.  I weakly respond that I'll just use it for garageband and keep telling myself that I didn't want it for anything else anyway.  Then it just mocks me for not having enough time for garageband or any motivation to touch it even if I did.  It's lucky it cost so much or I'd smash the mouthy vermin.  

Then I run away from home and in my car I pray or listen to music and think about how lucky I am to be living with friends in such opulence.  And I begin to hear Jesus.  And his Holy Spirit gets excited he's so in love with my friends as they tell me stories of late.  And God's doing things around me, and I get swept away and dizzy in his plans and enthusiasm.  

Life starts to look beautiful again.  Prayer gives me that life.  And there's been plenty of it.  

I went to a concert and it was incredible.  Thrice is amazing.  The calibre of their music is top; the depths of meaning behind it wonderful; its execution masterful.  They are true and grand artists.  

And I want to curl up into a ball and rock myself to sleep except I'd feel silly so I have to wait until I'm tired or longer yet to escape.  And I speak of beauty and it overwhelms me, but then I am finished and the darkness overtakes me.  

And a great many friends have offered assistance, but right now they can't unless they want to become my secretary.  And I realize I am alone with a hundred objects of horror.  Usually I can conquer them but normally they come in twos or threes.  

I like paper so much better as trees.  

I like days so much better without chains.  

I prefer to escape to activity.  But even when I ski, it feels guilty.  Oh how I love it, and how I wish I did this all day instead of what I do, but wait, what a piece of nonsense.  I want to expend energy all day without working?  What kind of fool am I, and where do I live that I can even compose such kinds of selfish thinking?

And it's fake anyway.  I'm only deluding myself into thinking I could do it all day.  I would get bored and tired oh so quickly.  

And I read all the way through a wedding planning book, and actually started to picture things I could do creatively, but then I have to explain and share it and realize with shock and dismay that these are just more piles of work for me disguised as fanciful notions.  I should have guessed, I should have known.  Like everything else, I can only come up with ideals and dreams and pretty pictures.  All of them, every last one takes time and money and effort and training and fatal isolation.  Did you know weddings used to be community potluck affairs?  You don't need two years worth of dreadful planning and expenses for those, just full-scale productions of events originally designed to showcase wealth.  

But I can't write this, or Sherry would read it and feel awful, and she keeps telling me she loves me for looking after everything.  

Maybe I'll go clean the bathroom now.  

[addition 1]Or maybe not, because I wanted to listen to angry music and not try and brighten myself.  Instead I read Faye's blogs and almost cried reading Val's response for one, and read Sherry's.  

[addition 2]Ah yes, I am feeling rather drained and burnt out, so I decided to hide in headphones and SenseField's Living Outside album while I cleaned.  Community Houses are brilliant inventions.  It's hard to allow stupid things to bother you, like the irrational claustrophobia of having everyone in the house showering in "your" bathroom, whilst they love you all the time by chatting with you and cooking dinner and picking up garbage bags when we run out and hanging your laundry for you.  Yes there are a lot of things that might pile up on you with housework alone, but living with friends makes it survivable, not to mention enjoyable.  

I did get the call from Kyle and no we don't have any work, nor will we until possibly Thursday, more likely Friday or Monday.  So I should go ahead and see if I can work for Trent for a week.  And although I am sorely sorely tempted not to work this week, as a sort of stress leave, a couple things suggest I should.  One is that basically I've been doing that already for the last two weeks and I effectively lose $200/day.  Two is that it hasn't actually been as helpful as I would anticipate for getting things done.  Three is that we have less money than I thought and I can't afford to keep pretending I can afford it.  

I Wish Upon A Fading Fire

How do you prepare for marriage?

One might start practicing the things you hope your marriage to have...

What do you hope for?

Oh it's been an interesting few days.  After a lull with Christmas break, my attention was yanked around to the UM, what we're about, what are we doing.  I was introduced to Josh who was looking for a place to move into in Calgary, and in fairly short order.  Well, since we're not just a bunch of roommates here, it makes things slightly more complex.  I found myself going through what we in the house agreed upon for some of our ways of life.  

I hope to pray.  I hope to pray with every action I undertake, every destructive criticism I dare not make.  I hope my life is full of others', and that my heart covets every moment it can to show love.  

I hope to listen.  I hope to be quiet enough often enough to hear God's quiet voice.  I hope to get so good at recognizing it that I start noticing and understanding his voice when it is like many thunders and the crashing of waves against rocks.  I hope to gain God's trust.  I hope to give him respect by actually paying attention to what he cares about and return some of his romance by going out of my way to do some of the things he wants to get done and surprising him with gifts I know he'll appreciate, and recounting some of our favourite memories of elation together.  

I hope I always know which way to go because my hand is in God's and he's confident and I can see which way he's leading us.  I hope we talk about plans and preparations  to be made.  I hope we still laugh at ourselves.  

And I hope that Sherry and I kiss passionately every day and hold each other tight - Which you might have guessed we'd been practicing.  However, right now that tends to leave us feeling a little disappointed.  Sure I suppose we could do that, or we could just wait a couple months and instead focus on a few other things we hope for.  So you won't find us hanging around in each other's bedrooms or lying around on couches.  We'll see what else God hopes to teach us instead.  

And we'll go skiing!

A Fetching Monologue

Yvaine:

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.

So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Stardust, 2007

Can't vs Grace

Friday I freaked.  

I went to dance class after work happy that this week I didn't feel as empty and drained as the end of the week before.  With Christmas, there was almost no one in attendance so they combined our class with the Hip Hop styles class.   That class is 2 levels higher than ours...

So we started with the Hip Hop warm-up.  Wow, by the time we were done and were grabbing drinks I had to wrenchingly stop swallowing so as to avoid suffocating from lack of oxygen.  Then my teacher started us on a challenging combo.  We were moving at a fast clip but I was keeping up so long as I had someone to visually follow.  I finished feeling good.  It was difficult and quick but I had done it.  Now it was the Hip Hop teacher's turn.  She had the sudden brilliant inspiration to take her combo and add it onto the funk one rather than do it separately with her originally intended, and much slower, song.  It will be so much fun to do it this fast!  

So she starts showing us the moves.  So far so good, these are kind of fun and I'm catching on quick.  Now let's try with music.  Woah, sorry I must have blinked or something because I hadn't started and it was over.  Don't worry though, you'll get lots of practice since this is so fast.  Lots of practice not being able to be a dance instructor extraordinaire who finds moving like lightning without effort fun.  

I need to leave.  

Don't freak out Nolan.  Don't freak out Nolan.  Lots of times, difficult things get easier after you've moved onto more moves.  

So we move on, and again, I can do this just fine.  Until we switch to light-speed.  

So let's repeat a few times. 

And the rage is flying high and burning behind my eyes.  

I can't even attempt this.  Nothing close.

And I walk out before I start crying.  

And avoid that until just before I get into my car.  

The anger is so strong it's scary.

I drive home, avoiding the blinding urge to go through things in my path. 

And I get home and Jason and Megan are having a romantic dinner and the house is dark and silent and I go into my room considering how to vent this out.  

I could work out downstairs, no - they're downstairs - but I could just do push-ups here but that won't solve this.  I'll just get tired, and it won't do it this time.  

I could go for a run but that won't do it either.  

No the only thing I'm considering that has any appeal is smashing things, but I don't have anything to smash and I don't have an aluminum baseball bat.  

I'm supposed to call Sherry when I get home but that will need to hold on until I figure this out.  

A myriad of despondent thoughts are flying through my brain and afterwards when trying to describe it I came down to the word, "can't."

It wasn't that I expected myself to be able to dance at a level above my ability.  I think that got to me because for most of my life I haven't felt understood by my teachers, or lacked them outright, and desperately need them to learn.  So to have teachers expect the unreasonable was painful.  

It set off though, all the expectations I do have for myself that never get met.  And I tie those things to learning.  I'm not fast enough at work.  Why?  Because I don't remember so much of what I learn.  So even though I'm building a deck for the 2oth time, I'm still going as fast as if I'd only built one.  Still cautious, and taking time to figure things out that should be instinctive by now.  Still trying to invent a system for tasks when I should have one nailed down that I'm merely practicing at; pushing myself to take less time.  And you might say, oh but at least if you're cautious you won't make mistakes, but you will be incorrect.  While taking my sweet time, I still make dumb little mistakes.  I've been making these as long as I can remember.  Visualizing things wrong in my head.  And eventually I just feel stupid.  Why can't I do it right?  Growing up I felt smart.  I'm not sure why.  Probably because I didn't have any difficulties understanding the concepts I was taught.  They all made sense.  Sure, of course, thanks for telling me.  I wasn't some brainiac doing calculus for fun in my head, but I had consistently good grades.  I remember the little mistakes then too though.  There was always some slip up, keeping me from perfection.  It didn't matter if I looked over my work or not, it would make sense until it was shown wrong.  

And perhaps it's because I was so successful with my job at Can-Am.  Because I did work out a system and get fast, ridiculously fast, with highest quality and attention to detail, and bored.  I conquered every challenge set before me and every challenge I gave myself.  Same thing when I worked at Dairy Queen.  

Why can't I do it framing?  

Sure all the tons of mistakes I make are usually forgivable.  I'll notice them myself before they ever become an issue, but hey, no one's perfect - and I'm not even close.  Yet I continue to make costly ones, on a regular basis, right after the proper way was explained to me, and I understood it, and then I magically screw it up.  

And if I stop to think about whether I'm good at anything, such as in the middle of being really angry and freaking out, I can't.  I go through a list and I'm worthless.  And I try to think, it's not about what you do, that your value comes from.  But it's got to be connected in ways.  I'd like to think that I only fail at things if they're hobbies, part-time.  Perhaps I need to focus on something to get it right.  But I work long hours every day framing and that hasn't helped.  And if I'm so terrible at everything, what's even worth liking about me?  

And as I sat in my room crying that's what I asked God.  

And eventually I decided to try to find music to match my mood and my thoughts, because hey I would create some myself except that I don't have the talent or skills for that either.  

And so I collected songs and would start playing them rather unfocusedly because they weren't it, but just the loudness felt good, and sometimes just the music being good felt good.  

After an hour I had finally cooled off enough to now feel extraordinarily hungry and went out in search of food.  And chatted with Andrew for 5 minutes and started returning to normal.  

I called Sherry and talked awhile and after that apologized to Jason for loud music to interrupt his dinner but they hadn't heard it.  They invited me to watch a movie with them so I did.  

And it wasn't resolved but at least the mindset was hidden again.  

So I told RJ about it yesterday, and he tried to talk sense to me.  

He said I have a perfectionism that I've grown up with.  And I see the way things should go mentally but then when they don't it grates against me.  

Yes, yes, I do that all the time driving.  

But Nolan, every thing happens for a reason.  God could make you perfect if he wanted.  

Yes, yes, I've thought the same thing at work.  

So let me speak a word into your life.  Grace.  

Maybe give yourself the same grace you'd give someone else.  

No, no, you don't understand, I would have my expectations at work for someone else.  Most every day I think to myself, I would fire me if Calgary wasn't in such desperation for workers.  

I can't handle the weather, and I screw up all the time.  Framing's not the right fit for me at all.  Not that I can think of something that would be a good fit...

And also in my head are the words of Amy from Thursday reminding me of the significant truth that saying things out loud is powerful.  Blessings and curses.  Truths and lies.  Words create.  

That's partly why prayer is so important.  

And maybe I've doomed myself at work because I curse all the time.  Maybe I've made myself stupid.  It's not a new thought.  I've considered it before.  And I fight with it.  Grace isn't a new word either.  I tell myself the same thing at work.  But I lose.  Most of the time I'm sure I'm OK because I'm just not a high-stress person, and can't hold on to self-loathing and anger and all that for long.  But I'm not getting any better with maintaining peace over my frequent outbursts.  

But today before the service began I was considering this, and a truth came to me to speak out.  I can do all things through him who gives me life.  

Actually that might be wrong, I couldn't remember if it was life or strength or something totally different.  Here, maybe I should go check...

2 Corinthians 9:8 (Whole Chapter) 
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 

Mark 10:27 (Whole Chapter) 
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." 

Ephesians 4:15 (Whole Chapter) 
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

1 John 2:27 (Whole Chapter) 
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

OK so much for my scripture passage.  I couldn't find it anywhere...