Token Update

I'm not inspired to write necessarily, but I'm annoyed by still having the last post sitting there.  Let the rambling commence.  

I'm missing Sherry now in a strong way, but I'm coping by still living in a community house that makes demands of you frequently (but all in all in a good way), and working very hard, and trying to get organized.  

My goal is to get my delinquent budgeting done this weekend, and all my hordes of filing, and if I'm feeling especially ambitious, I'll begin my pre-income taxes.  My other goals are to fix my car door, but I haven't talked to my Dad yet, and to go to church on Sunday and then rush off for skiing.  Yes I can just feel the likelihood of that last use of "especially ambitious".  

I have been enjoying work lately.  Last week Kyle got bronchitis and so I was the boss for 3 days with Adam.  Adam is a stand up kind of guy, and honestly, I feel loved at work having him around.  Take that Ryan, now who's emotional?  And oh yeah, I've been coping by giving smoochies to guys, well, only three so far, RJ , Shay, and Ryan Shantz, but Shantz is impressive, you have to agree, I think I might have even got him twice.  

Anyway, Adam shakes my hand or we do the fist punch thing before he takes off, and he picked me up an ice cap and a muffin one day, and got me an ice cap as a surprise another day, "because he knew I'd say no, so he got it anyway."

Anyway, Adam has been fun to have around just because he's a great guy, and because it's refreshing to be reminded of what it was like to start and to learn everything new.  I also enjoy teaching people things, and encouraging them, and I get to do both.  

It's also fun to have little joke competitions with him, like how much wood can you carry at once?  Well, actually it's fun just to joke around with him period.  So yeah, guess what Mom, I made a new friend at school, er work.  Oh yeah, he'll get one of my six left-over invitations.  

And I decided I really do want to invite Terry & Leah.  I miss Terry some days at work, and we were good friends, and I think God's Holy Spirit whom they don't believe in will be pretty prominent at the wedding.  God loves weddings!  It's BC on a long weekend, they might actually come too!  

Ah yes, and the weather has been incredible!  2 weeks of pleasant, yes pleasant, spring-like weather!  When you get to take off your shirt for a few days, Mmm, mmm, mmm.  

I am keenly aware that I want to make money right now too, so working long hours is an agreeable prospect, especially whilst Sherry is gone.  I'm tempted to work a few Saturdays, but that might be a little bit over the top.  

OK but it's after ten, so I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed, because even though I got a decent amount of sleep yesterday, it was a finally, and didn't make up for the week or so of not enough.  Silly Rabbit, Trix are for boys who stay up reading hoping Sherry will come online, instead of going to bed early when they get the chance.  

Adios amigos!  

[Addition]  Oh I'm tired, what was I about to say.  Ah yes, I laughed at JLYS on Wednesday.  Mark was helping me and Sarah out.  Mark is a middle-aged man (his son was in grade 12 I think?) who's starting to volunteer and he was GREAT to have around.  The laugh though, was when he commented, "you sound like Napoleon Dynamite."  I had to tell him that I was like this before the movie even came out and made it cool.  

And Adam asked how I get so brown, which I laughed at because I am in pasty white winter mode right now - he's delusional.  

Goodnight.  Pray for Sherry writing an expansive paper, and for Trevor who swore he'd make my wedding fun, and Nathan making a trilogy, and Sherry's Mom who's doing all my wedding planning for me, and Andy getting all romantic and struggling with what will happen with himself and location and future and all that, and us in the UM as we listen to and follow whatever God may say about whats and hows, and really most of these have been very scratch-the-surface of surfacey, and I miss Andy too.  The only good thing about him being gone is that I can turn on the main light in the morning and not worry about making as much commotion.  I need to start snorting water when he gets back.  That way he can tell me if it helps.  

Does the Library have Lonely Planet books?  Does someone have a library card who wants to sign me out Costa Rica and Guatemala?  Or better yet, find them used for cheap?  That would be awesome!  

Help, My Motivation Is Drowning or My Mind Is Cracking

I feel like I have a bit of a split personality right now.  When I am in my room, surrounded with unopened bills and receipts that need to be accounted for and filed, and generally a giant pile of mess and responsibility and loathsome paperwork, I find myself shutting down mentally.  And so I will wander out to the kitchen and then perhaps look at my message board where I left myself a long list of additional to-dos and I might snack on something, lately cereal or toast.  Then perhaps I'll see someone and start talking to them and the conversation will soon steer towards things I must do, or worse, they'll talk about doing things that I could do to distract myself like watching a movie.  

When at last I resign myself to working, and return to my cursed room and turn on my computer.  I try to console myself that at least I can listen to some music while I work but then I turn on itunes and remember, itunes is a wretched piece of computer-programmed accomplishment bent on malevolence and frustration, and ultimately depression.  And as I continue to try to do anything on my iMac I'm reminded again and again and again why I hate these rotten filthy vile contraptions of evil and disfunction.  It laughs at how it fooled me into buying it.  I weakly respond that I'll just use it for garageband and keep telling myself that I didn't want it for anything else anyway.  Then it just mocks me for not having enough time for garageband or any motivation to touch it even if I did.  It's lucky it cost so much or I'd smash the mouthy vermin.  

Then I run away from home and in my car I pray or listen to music and think about how lucky I am to be living with friends in such opulence.  And I begin to hear Jesus.  And his Holy Spirit gets excited he's so in love with my friends as they tell me stories of late.  And God's doing things around me, and I get swept away and dizzy in his plans and enthusiasm.  

Life starts to look beautiful again.  Prayer gives me that life.  And there's been plenty of it.  

I went to a concert and it was incredible.  Thrice is amazing.  The calibre of their music is top; the depths of meaning behind it wonderful; its execution masterful.  They are true and grand artists.  

And I want to curl up into a ball and rock myself to sleep except I'd feel silly so I have to wait until I'm tired or longer yet to escape.  And I speak of beauty and it overwhelms me, but then I am finished and the darkness overtakes me.  

And a great many friends have offered assistance, but right now they can't unless they want to become my secretary.  And I realize I am alone with a hundred objects of horror.  Usually I can conquer them but normally they come in twos or threes.  

I like paper so much better as trees.  

I like days so much better without chains.  

I prefer to escape to activity.  But even when I ski, it feels guilty.  Oh how I love it, and how I wish I did this all day instead of what I do, but wait, what a piece of nonsense.  I want to expend energy all day without working?  What kind of fool am I, and where do I live that I can even compose such kinds of selfish thinking?

And it's fake anyway.  I'm only deluding myself into thinking I could do it all day.  I would get bored and tired oh so quickly.  

And I read all the way through a wedding planning book, and actually started to picture things I could do creatively, but then I have to explain and share it and realize with shock and dismay that these are just more piles of work for me disguised as fanciful notions.  I should have guessed, I should have known.  Like everything else, I can only come up with ideals and dreams and pretty pictures.  All of them, every last one takes time and money and effort and training and fatal isolation.  Did you know weddings used to be community potluck affairs?  You don't need two years worth of dreadful planning and expenses for those, just full-scale productions of events originally designed to showcase wealth.  

But I can't write this, or Sherry would read it and feel awful, and she keeps telling me she loves me for looking after everything.  

Maybe I'll go clean the bathroom now.  

[addition 1]Or maybe not, because I wanted to listen to angry music and not try and brighten myself.  Instead I read Faye's blogs and almost cried reading Val's response for one, and read Sherry's.  

[addition 2]Ah yes, I am feeling rather drained and burnt out, so I decided to hide in headphones and SenseField's Living Outside album while I cleaned.  Community Houses are brilliant inventions.  It's hard to allow stupid things to bother you, like the irrational claustrophobia of having everyone in the house showering in "your" bathroom, whilst they love you all the time by chatting with you and cooking dinner and picking up garbage bags when we run out and hanging your laundry for you.  Yes there are a lot of things that might pile up on you with housework alone, but living with friends makes it survivable, not to mention enjoyable.  

I did get the call from Kyle and no we don't have any work, nor will we until possibly Thursday, more likely Friday or Monday.  So I should go ahead and see if I can work for Trent for a week.  And although I am sorely sorely tempted not to work this week, as a sort of stress leave, a couple things suggest I should.  One is that basically I've been doing that already for the last two weeks and I effectively lose $200/day.  Two is that it hasn't actually been as helpful as I would anticipate for getting things done.  Three is that we have less money than I thought and I can't afford to keep pretending I can afford it.