Christmas and as Kirk has titled, "hints."

Merry Christmas everyone. May God bless you even once more on top of all his others. I am greatly enjoying my time with my family. I hope you are as well.
But that's not why I am compelled to write today. Today while having a splendid visit with my Grandparents, the conversation took a turn that shook me. My Grandma was telling the story of my Grandfather's sister, and even though it was sad, it was hers, and I cherished being able to hear it. She was bi-polar or manic-depressive, and having studied the illness myself, I had a great deal of compassion through it. At the end my Grandma was relating how she couldn't understand why her friends had deserted Lois (my Grandpa's sister). Why in this day and age, people still couldn't understand mental illness. And then my Mom related how hard it has been for friends of hers (and my Dad's).
And my heart broke. And stayed broken.
I know them. I don't know them well. They go to my parents' church. But they've been over to my parents' house, and I've played music at the church with her.
But one of their daughters hears voices. And sees people. And they tell her to do bad things.
And they've been to see psychologists and one of them said it was demonic. And they've had the pastors over to pray at the house.
And they can't sleep at night because she screams the whole time. So the Mom started home-schooling to try and work around that.
And they went on a purging of anything that could possibly be evil in the house and stopped celebrating Christmas because it has pagan origins.
And they're not crazy. They're really nice. They both became Christians after they were married.
But now they've put the house up for sale, because maybe that's it.
And I couldn't bear it.
Because God is God.
Jesus loves them.
Jesus is all powerful.
He has all authority and has given it to us.
This cannot be.
Let me go right now. Let me listen to them so I can cry with them.
Let me pray and ask God if it's an evil spirit or not.
If not then great, should we pray for healing, or should we see a doctor?
If yes, then Holy Spirit lead the way. What are we praying about next?
But I can't do nothing.
Because they can't sell their house.
They can't live in hopelessness. They can't live in fear.
I know Jesus. I know him.
I know why my heart broke and wouldn't mend.

And on the drive home from Didsbury I read and read and cried and prayed.
Ephesians was especially close.

I'll highlight some passages but really the whole thing was amazing.

1^:19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power ²⁰ that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. ²¹ Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. ²² God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. ²³ And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.

3:⁸ Though I am the least deserving of all God’s people, he graciously gave me the privilege of telling the Gentiles about the endless treasures available to them in Christ. ⁹ I was chosen to explain to everyone^[c] this mysterious plan that God, the Creator of all things, had kept secret from the beginning.¹⁰ God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. ¹¹ This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord.

¹² Because of Christ and our faith in him,^[d] we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. ¹³ So please don’t lose heart because of my trials here. I am suffering for you, so you should feel honored.

¹⁴ When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,^{[e] 15} the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.^{[f] 16} I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. ¹⁷ Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ¹⁸ And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. ¹⁹ May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

²⁰ Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ²¹ Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

4:¹¹ Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. ¹² Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. ¹³ This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ¹⁶ He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

6: ¹⁰ A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we^[c] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.^{[d] 16} In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.^{[e] 17} Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Bang Bang

So I was planning on working with Ian for a week while Kyle & Jay were in BC but I only lasted a day and a half. After making some mistakes like building walls 1"1/2 too short, and cutting through saw cords, I wanted to firmly establish how I felt by putting 3 inches of nail in my knee. I know I know, that doesn't directly convey my intention of imparting the favour of God to his crew, but that's what I had to do. So I got to enjoy an ambulance ride, and try out laughing gas and morphine. And be amused by the EMS guys needing 5 tries to get an IV in me because my veins disappear with my incredibly good circulation and slow heart rate. And I got to go hang out at the Foothills where I just got to hang out with RJ a couple times in as many weeks. I knew he was missing it and needed an excuse to come back. And I got to enjoy some 8/10 pain while they jabbed me with freezing needles, all the while being very thankful that the freezing would prevent worse pain, right? And I got to enjoy discovering what 10/10 feels like when they barely touched the head. And I got to finally see what it looked like to have a nail head, and way on the other side of my knee, half an inch sticking out. I got to nay say how lucky I was that the nail didn't shatter my knee cap on impact but instead bounced - didn't I already mention my favour with God?
And I got to walk out of the hospital with full mobility of my leg looking very stylish with my slit jeans and fishnet dresssing. Yes sir morphine is wonderous stuff until it runs out later on and you go back into shock and delirium based on intense pain and the drugs in your system. But until then it was jokes, and friends, and dinner, and my family came over for A White Christmas.
The last couple days have been incredible.
RJ has taken great care of me. I got a bunch of errands finished. I've got to hang out with friends. RJ and I had a good talk and prayer on Thursday night that was worth getting shot for all on its own.
Yesterday Ian came over with wine and I put together a scrumptious meal of Tuna Turn-Overs with the help of friends. Then there was round four of my first prayer deliverance session. God came through again, this time with a shockingly large item to deal with. I love Jesus talking to me and explaining himself. I love how he looks after me. I love how he starts things and takes 2 and a half years to work on them until they're ready for the next phase. I love his infinite wisdom and understanding in how to give us abundant life.
RJ and Andy and I got to stay up and have a fabulously constructive discussion about church. God showed us all practical and personal things I believe.
Today I'm taking good care of my knee with ice and elevation and exercize. Later I shall go hang out with family and then friends at Jono's party.
Merry Christmas.

Am I Mambo?

So today I was given a rather bold assessment from my closest 7-year old companion, Connor.

"You equal Mambo."

"Who's Mambo?"

"From Happy Feet. You're not ready for a long-term relationship."

Wow, what a clairvoyant (sp no longer a ? because Andrea's sitting beside me on the couch, a couch with only two cushions I might imply...) child. How did he know that just this week, I almost blogged on a sudden recollection. Except that it was late and I was tired and God said.
Sheesh! I live in a community house with all these people trying to distract me. No that's not what God said. That was me after a ten minute entertaining delay. So anyway, God said that blogging wouldn't be choosing life. And I agreed and went to bed.

The other week when it was my turn to talk about me on Monday night, I somehow managed to focus in on girls. Which in my opinion was very strange since I'd spent a great deal of time thinking and reflecting, etc. and that wasn't even a smidgen. However at the end of the evening Pam had a question for me and she wanted to know why I'd focused on that.
Huh?
Hmm, I suppose I did, and I have no idea why, it wasn't planned.
I don't remember a ton about what my response was, but I do remember mentioning that I never want to sacrifice my life to aquiesce someone else's. They cautioned me about that but I don't think they really understood what I meant. Obviously I'm quite aware that any relationship involves compromise, and supporting one another, and adjustments, etc. and that family life is entirely different than single life. What I was trying to shoot down is the common impulse to find fulfillment in a significant other, to the point of idolization. To shape my life around a girl instead of around God's plan for my life is no option for me.
Anyway, they prayed for my wife, just like I wrote, nothing specific, and Ang cautioned me about internal vows.

Thinking about it afterwards I remembered why I'd actually said I wouldn't and/or couldn't date anyone. All this time I'd only remembered about feeling too young and that I needed to live a little. I needed to move out, to get a car, to experience. So that was 4 years ago. Have I done some of that? Two of those receive a definitive yes, the last one can't be proven empiracly(sp?).

But yes, sometime in the last two weeks, it came back to me, the bigger, slightly more recent fight. It all came back with the phrase, I don't exist. I don't think I ever got to that journal reading backwards, but I can still remember writing it. I remember the flurry of writing that came out.
The fading or under-prioritized dreams of me. With such little time left in life after responsibilities, who has the time when everyone else needs help? I wondered in the last couple of weeks whether anyone is actually doing good. I never seem to meet those people, or at least perceive them that way. It made me wonder about an old prayer I had for someone, that they wouldn't believe life is a tragedy. Even writing this now makes me think of It's A Wonderful Life. I suppose I've always seen a glimmer of me in that movie, and it's never saddened me. Except that then people challenge me with things like praying about what God's calling is for my life, because it's a big one.
My old journal vehemently expressed that in the end, all you can really give someone else in a relationship is yourself, and if you don't exist, then you have nothing to give. Right now I don't know exactly how that fits with the concept from Life Together about loving people indirectly, through Christ, instead of directly.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. But Jeana asked a good question today. What's something I want to do before I die? Yes Family is a big deal for me, and for some reason I presumed that was an assumed standard. And if, as I suspect, music is a part of dreams of me, then that is an obstacle for the family piece. But I don't think that scares me, because I don't generally let things bother me, especially if they're not immediate concerns, and I am very good at preserving the state of being laid back. Besides, don't I need to trust in, lean on, and depend on God? Isn't that faith?

So am I Mambo? Or am I ready for a long term relationship? Or am I ready for Mambo #5? Just kidding.
Well you can guess, and tell me all your thoughts, or less. But I will hide mine, because I've been practicing listening to God again, and he's been having some fun using song lyrics again. And I've been content with his answers. And I don't have anything I can't let go of now do I?

Snow Marker

So I'm going to build an altar, to look back on and remember and rejoice, because I met with God tonight, and it was wonderful.

Thank you to a number of people who've been very helpful in reminding me and encouraging me to seek after him.

So I'll begin with a little bit of background to show you what led upto tonight.

Friday night I was driving home and feeling the tension. I didn't want to come home to a dark, empty, lonely house. What should I do? Who should I call? RJ was off to Lethbridge. Some of the girls were off to volunteer, others were off to an engagement party, Andrea had already called to see if I could take a look at some computer annoyances before she left at 6:30. Jamie is always swamped with either school or electrical.

But Nolan, why should you be afraid of being alone? Why is that such a bad thing? And in fact, you're not alone, you could actually spend some good time with God...

No. That's not what I need right now at all. I'm going crazy here. I need people!

So I get home, and thanks be to God, it's a five minute fix to solve Andrea's dilemma (sp?). I eat leftovers from the night before (fajitas - yum), chat with Jamie for a minute or two before he goes to hang out with Cheri before she leaves with Andrea. Then Sherry came down and started talking to me. I asked about how her room was going so she went to show me, and we chatted and continued until she asked if I wanted to go with her to Cyler & Bonnie's. Sure.

So I went, it was nice enough. I got to chat with them and won the game. I ate too much desert and pretty much enjoyed the evening. Came home and broke my bed, slept on my mattress on the floor and stayed in bed in the morning reading old journals from Christmas 2004 / early 2005. It had been right after my fast to hear God and it was cool to read about how I continued to seek him afterwards. Made some pancakes, ate too many chocolate chips, and helped Cheri take out some screws from her shelving unit. Then it was off shopping with RJ for some lag bolts, screws and other supplies at Home Hardware. Came home and helped move some of Sherry's furniture, hang stuff on the wall with Andrea and Kirk, move a couple items for Cheri and work on putting my bed frame back together again, only better. I didn't finish because I didn't get enough lag bolts and ran out of time anyway. Then I showered and got ready for Cyler's Christmas party. Went with RJ and we stopped at Home Hardware again, and Superstore to pick up stuff to make nachos with. Cyler's party was fun, I ate too much again, chatted with friends, and otherwise enjoyed myself. After I returned home I finished putting back our bed together and listened to Sherry who had indeed had a chat with God. She encouraged me with what she'd been reading about in regards to listening to God even though she was probably the one who felt like she needed encouragement. Then I decided I needed to go for a run despite feeling exhausted all day.

I dressed fairly light with sweat pants, my new thermal hoodie, and thin cotton gloves. I jogged about Scarborough until I spotted the bridge over Crowchild and knew I was going to go for an adventure. So I did and enjoyed myself immensely. It was a beautiful, mild, with snow to light the night. I wandered about friendly streets with houses until I made myself towards the river, I wanted to see the valley from the other side. I knew it was beautiful from the North. I came upon a path and made my way along it and relished the delight of it. It would take me along the river, through trees, and feel like I was in the mountains only I knew I was in the city and within walking distance of my house and it was wonderful. And I walked and I ran and I kept singing in my head an old worship song. And I knew if I kept going I would reach Riley Park. But then God told me to stop. So I did. I wondered if it was dangerous ahead. I didn't think so, so I finally stopped to be quiet and listen. And then the song, "We are standing on Holy Ground," came into my head. So I asked God if someone had blessed it, and he said yes. So I asked if I would meet them in heaven and a wave of joy hit me and the song started, "Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace, I wanna see my Saviour's face, cuz heaven is a wonderful place." But as it started I could hear different parts, and it was God singing, and it built and built with each line, and when it got to see my Saviour's face all of a sudden I got a picture of my Dad's face and single tears launched out of both my eyes because it was God using my Dad again as a picture of himself. And then the train crossing lights and bells started and train came and I remembered from old photo albums that I had been so excited about trains when I was little, and I was feeling little again, with God. And so I stood there and watched it rush by me, and glory seemed to be all around me and I shot my hands up in the air in worship, which I don't normally do. And then the silly song came into my head, "hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart give me give me your heart baby baby." So then I stood there, the train was gone, and I started running home and praising God and singing more songs with jumps and skips and battle cries. He was so perfect.

So God bless you all, and I'm going to sleep now.