Saturday, June 30, 2007
Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!
Quarter to two, Friday night, long weekend, where do we find Nolan but inside his bedroom. Did he just return from a party perhaps? Yes he did... A cleaning party! That's right while putting away the laundry he finished this evening, he finally had the surge of energy to clean out his closet in its entirety, and then move onto his desk and room in general. It's beautiful. And now he will go to bed and get a nice 8 hours of sleep before a promising Saturday with less to visually remind him that he is disorganized and behind on projects. What could tomorrow hold I wonder. A bike ride? Sunshine? A movie with friends? Some time writing music? That question mark on the last one had better not be. I scheduled it in as important. 2 hours on Saturday. It must be.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Mosly Sentimental
First of all, you should all look to the right at my links and find Faye's name and click on it. Then you should read a stunning poem about rain. Second of all, it was fitting to read it today after jumping on the trampoline in the rain. Today I started to get into impatience mode after 30 minutes of driving home. The last 15 were less cool, even though Michael Buble was still playing (I've been listening to Sherry's CDs all week).
So I got home, washed my hands and immediately set about preparing supper, which wasn't ready until almost 7:30. It turned out pretty well although I subjected everyone to raised metabolisms again because while trying to pour ground pepper out of a plastic bag, too much fell out.
Mexican & Indian and I wore my sombrero, after I showered, dressed, and 'primped' in 7 minutes. And then I had to leave. It was hot and noisy in the house and I was still in overdrive despite feeling exhausted all morning from lack of sleep (poor decision? no). So I went outside to the trampoline. Yes (rolling eyes) on a full stomach. Does that make it harder? I don't know, I suspect when my stomach started to hurt it was because I'm not in shape, not because I was exercizing. As I recall the whole swimming after eating thing was a myth. Anyway, physical activity is fun, because you can press through when it hurts or when you get tired. I don't know if today's was fun though, as much as calming and emptying. Eventually I took a two minute break and lay down. And then a bird I've never heard before started calling, so I called back, until it wouldn't reply anymore. Then I started jumping again, until the rain started falling. Hooray! How joyous! I was even responsible enough to throw my shirt and sombrero in the house. I had been praying earlier, but more of a breathing cycle, poetic phrasing sort of prayer. The rain was good. It made the trampoline heavy. It left amusing design imprints when I would land on my stomach.
Sherry is home. She arrived Tuesday night. I was off by an hour. I heard the garage door open and jumped out of bed to look outside but saw Jamie's car and assumed it was him. It was not, which was actually what I couldn't help but lie there and suspect. So when there was a knock on my door I jumped out in a flash and threw on some pyjamas before throwing open the door and knocking Sherry out, and making her nose bleed profusely.
Just kidding.
I was a little excited and almost picked her up to throw her through the ceiling but she latched her legs around me and prevented the whole thing. So instead I settled for hugs and resettling 'the spot' in the kitchen, and her head beeing snugged under my chin, and space seizing embraces that say I want you closest.
And after 7 weeks without a glimpse, I was stunned again to see how vibrant she is. How much life her eyes emanate. How absolutely beautiful she is.
Earlier that evening Kirk was over and talked about the eventuality of finding a wife and why that's appealing. He spoke of the intimacy hoped for. The intimacy built on being best friends. Sure he has deep meaningful relationships now, but the time spent with those people is scattered. To have a best friend to grow together with... And I stopped short in amazement, because for years that's how my life has been. Weeks and weeks in between visits with friends though I love them all. But what sort of gift do I now have?
And so I end up praying prayers asking kindly that he would make me into the kind of man she deserves, and I'm sure there's R&B and country songs that do the same, but that's not why.
I learned how to say, "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you. Come home." in French one evening with Pam and Damien. And when I finally had the chance I couldn't remember it because I didn't have it written down with me. Kind of like right now. Je t'aime, je monk. Je ne vitre pas something or another. I'll have to go downstairs and edit this later. Anyway, Sherry quipped that of course I could, since I had the whole time she was gone. But I didn't believe her. Because how can you say I lived without her when she's always there in my head. When every day I got off early seemed confusing because she wouldn't be home to say, "You're home early." When daily memories would still make me catch my breath.
Goodnight.
So I got home, washed my hands and immediately set about preparing supper, which wasn't ready until almost 7:30. It turned out pretty well although I subjected everyone to raised metabolisms again because while trying to pour ground pepper out of a plastic bag, too much fell out.
Mexican & Indian and I wore my sombrero, after I showered, dressed, and 'primped' in 7 minutes. And then I had to leave. It was hot and noisy in the house and I was still in overdrive despite feeling exhausted all morning from lack of sleep (poor decision? no). So I went outside to the trampoline. Yes (rolling eyes) on a full stomach. Does that make it harder? I don't know, I suspect when my stomach started to hurt it was because I'm not in shape, not because I was exercizing. As I recall the whole swimming after eating thing was a myth. Anyway, physical activity is fun, because you can press through when it hurts or when you get tired. I don't know if today's was fun though, as much as calming and emptying. Eventually I took a two minute break and lay down. And then a bird I've never heard before started calling, so I called back, until it wouldn't reply anymore. Then I started jumping again, until the rain started falling. Hooray! How joyous! I was even responsible enough to throw my shirt and sombrero in the house. I had been praying earlier, but more of a breathing cycle, poetic phrasing sort of prayer. The rain was good. It made the trampoline heavy. It left amusing design imprints when I would land on my stomach.
Sherry is home. She arrived Tuesday night. I was off by an hour. I heard the garage door open and jumped out of bed to look outside but saw Jamie's car and assumed it was him. It was not, which was actually what I couldn't help but lie there and suspect. So when there was a knock on my door I jumped out in a flash and threw on some pyjamas before throwing open the door and knocking Sherry out, and making her nose bleed profusely.
Just kidding.
I was a little excited and almost picked her up to throw her through the ceiling but she latched her legs around me and prevented the whole thing. So instead I settled for hugs and resettling 'the spot' in the kitchen, and her head beeing snugged under my chin, and space seizing embraces that say I want you closest.
And after 7 weeks without a glimpse, I was stunned again to see how vibrant she is. How much life her eyes emanate. How absolutely beautiful she is.
Earlier that evening Kirk was over and talked about the eventuality of finding a wife and why that's appealing. He spoke of the intimacy hoped for. The intimacy built on being best friends. Sure he has deep meaningful relationships now, but the time spent with those people is scattered. To have a best friend to grow together with... And I stopped short in amazement, because for years that's how my life has been. Weeks and weeks in between visits with friends though I love them all. But what sort of gift do I now have?
And so I end up praying prayers asking kindly that he would make me into the kind of man she deserves, and I'm sure there's R&B and country songs that do the same, but that's not why.
I learned how to say, "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you. Come home." in French one evening with Pam and Damien. And when I finally had the chance I couldn't remember it because I didn't have it written down with me. Kind of like right now. Je t'aime, je monk. Je ne vitre pas something or another. I'll have to go downstairs and edit this later. Anyway, Sherry quipped that of course I could, since I had the whole time she was gone. But I didn't believe her. Because how can you say I lived without her when she's always there in my head. When every day I got off early seemed confusing because she wouldn't be home to say, "You're home early." When daily memories would still make me catch my breath.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
AM
Dear Jesus, I woke up earlier today for morning prayer and then got busy with a bunch of errands but I've still got 20 minutes! So I wanted to pray about some of the things you've been up to.
I praise you for last Wednesday night. You were nothing short of incredible and I ate it up! The challenge though was why not more often?
Why do I stay in the first stages of what you revealed?
Why is it that most of the time you're showing me things and speaking, but I miss them? even though I'm conscious of you all the time...
I'm not sure this is the answer, but talking with Jamie yesterday morning was helpful. To try out a simple version of what he shared, and list what is important to me and schedule it in.
It was good to stop, and change the list of what was important into what you've specifically called me to so far.
From that list it was easy to see that most of them get covered quite naturally, but two will be hard and require discipline and work to implement. So God I pray for those two because I suspect they are key to perceiving and understanding what you are doing and saying.
Please Jesus please...
Help me to make solitary time with you in the morning. Help me to be fair and start gradually. Help me to be wise and get enough sleep to be alert. Help me to be disciplined and always persevere.
Help me to make time to write music. Thank you so much for the inspiration that springs up so often, but it's difficult to capture it. And I still don't know what to do about that. I guess I can only try.
Thanks again for pretty skies, and family, and celebrations, and Mexican traditions of slamming faces into cakes while they blow out candles, green growth, herbal gifts, phone calls, work, rest, peaceful drives, music in the car, Melanie across the Ocean, and summer time. I love you lots. You always make me smile too and I notice it now. Super big grins that can't easily be wiped off, several times a day, and I feel you stirring inside me. I like it a lot. It delights me.
I praise you for last Wednesday night. You were nothing short of incredible and I ate it up! The challenge though was why not more often?
Why do I stay in the first stages of what you revealed?
Why is it that most of the time you're showing me things and speaking, but I miss them? even though I'm conscious of you all the time...
I'm not sure this is the answer, but talking with Jamie yesterday morning was helpful. To try out a simple version of what he shared, and list what is important to me and schedule it in.
It was good to stop, and change the list of what was important into what you've specifically called me to so far.
From that list it was easy to see that most of them get covered quite naturally, but two will be hard and require discipline and work to implement. So God I pray for those two because I suspect they are key to perceiving and understanding what you are doing and saying.
Please Jesus please...
Help me to make solitary time with you in the morning. Help me to be fair and start gradually. Help me to be wise and get enough sleep to be alert. Help me to be disciplined and always persevere.
Help me to make time to write music. Thank you so much for the inspiration that springs up so often, but it's difficult to capture it. And I still don't know what to do about that. I guess I can only try.
Thanks again for pretty skies, and family, and celebrations, and Mexican traditions of slamming faces into cakes while they blow out candles, green growth, herbal gifts, phone calls, work, rest, peaceful drives, music in the car, Melanie across the Ocean, and summer time. I love you lots. You always make me smile too and I notice it now. Super big grins that can't easily be wiped off, several times a day, and I feel you stirring inside me. I like it a lot. It delights me.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Of late
The last while. Oh the last while. My mind has been swimming in the ocean. Have you done that? It's hard work and oh so tiring and you can be carried along in the direction of its desire rather than what yours might be.
I've been working longer hours and that's been a little taxing. And running around crazy like always and so last weekend I took a breather. It was rather strange. Saturday was so dark, even though there were little, yet strong moments of sunshine. I went outside and read on the front steps from a picture-filled story-telling journal Sherry left me. It was grandish. Then I had a nap in the sun for a tiny bit and got up and went in to the house and barely made it 5 steps before I knew I should re-direct to the couch before I crashed. I woke up at 5:30. I was still drained, just more awake, and so I hung out in my room, catching up on a few of my projects. I made myself a very very late supper of chicken strips and onion rings, and listened to a CD while I fell asleep.
Sunday I woke up a little bit rough, but it was so different. I had energy and motivation and got so much done and was joyful, and then I got a trampoline! I also had evening prayer with Andy and Pam and that was great. It was a sharp turning point. While we were waiting for Andy, I asked Pam if she would pray for me and Sherry. It felt like such a strange thing to ask because I didn't really understand why. So Pam started praying and every word was important and Andy came in half way through and looked up 1 Peter 1 and read it to me. And I wasn't sure about the significance at the time. Or what was behind it, even though he prayed to go along with it. I did know that something immediately shifted in my spirit that night.
I was bursting to talk to Sherry. Which was cool in an odd way. She's been really going after me to talk more, and now I had lots I couldn't wait to say, which actually, is how I usually am. I'm always getting excited about things and telling people. But it's not like yay, now I can solve Sherry needing me to talk more, it was, hmm, pure? good? right? Some word like those.
Challengingly I knew I was booked for the first half of the week. Monday I went over to my parents' to hang out with my family. Tuesday I went out to Cochrane. Wednesday I again hung out with my family. We watched Pirates 3. They've been trying for weeks to match schedules to watch a movie together and equally importantly, Melanie was leaving the next day for her big trip and I really wanted to be there and bon voyage her and pray and give her a hug and such things. I'd actually gotten off work early Wednesday due to the weather and so I tried to call Sherry then but alas she was out at a cafe. Instead I finished my week of prayer stuff.
Thursday. Finally. By now I couldn't believe the week. Amidst all the busyness, God had taken whatever he planted on Sunday and it had grown much larger. Andy's passage got into my spirit and yet again God taught me and showed me and shared the love between me and him and then connected it to Sherry. And it felt like the grinch christmas cartoon heart phenomenon, except mine was in no way small to begin with.
I was ridiculously impatient to get the work day over in the afternoon which had to be watched carefully since there was some frustrations going on and so I was prone to ugliness. Driving home was also increasingly impatient and again, please Nolan, calm down. So I got home and showered and snatched the phone much to Pam and Rebekah's amusement since apparently I was looking good, and maybe Sherry would see it through the phone... But no answer.
Supper was pleasant. Then we went out to DQ and began RJ's D&G. Driving home was fun. Then we continued the D&G after RJ with Pam. Pam is great. So is Ang, who had the perfect response. Then we got to pray. Which was super cool. I couldn't wait for each person to pray. Although while praying for the Blocks I ended up feeling a little, hmm, not out of place, but out of time. As if I wasn't connecting right now, but I would (which I did, the next morning on the way to work). After prayer, RJ asked me if I would cut his hair, which I was perfectly happy to do, but he could see the hesitation in my face, and I told him I wanted to try calling Sherry again, even though it was now quarter to eleven in Quebec. RJ and Andy were both great since they both agreed with me that calling anyway was fine. And so I started with her cell so as to avoid waking other people up, kind of, but no, and then the home phone which only gave me a machine again. And I left a brief message which wasn't very good, but I didn't want to talk to the machine. So then I went and well, then I ate several cookies and jumped on the trampoline a while and then came back and cut RJ's hair which was fun. Then I stayed up late with Andy going over french again.
Friday I was tired and ended up 15 min late to work and in my rush, I locked my keys in my car. So stupid, in a funny laughing at myself sort of way. AMA gave me a 300 minute, yes 5 hour estimate, which meant 3:00. Well I guess I'll be fasting today God. Watch over me because being light-headed and weak while working on the roof seems rather perilous. Kyle however insisted on buying me something when he returned after first break so we went to Tim Horton's and I got a chili & bun. AMA got there before second break after all so I got to eat the tasty salad I'd made myself and yummy yogurt and grapefruit. Then I was lying there and made up a little song in my head with the french words stuck in my head from the day before. Then I realized, I need to write this down because it's fun and I'll never remember it otherwise. So I did. When I came home, I needed to shower and clean up right away to get over to Jono's birthday bbq on time, but who was I kidding? I missed Sherry, and tried to call again. Nope, so off to the BBQ I went. It was so much fun. Smiles and jokes and good food and company all night long. Stayed late and then returned to get some sleep before getting up early to help Ian build a fence in the morning.
No materials so we stalled and went out for breakfast and then hung out and chatted. Ian's such a cool guy. I felt really bad for him, because like it always seems to go with construction, things went wrong and there were lots of annoying snags. Tomorrow after church I will go help him finish before coming home for dinner and the would-be final chapter of D&G. He was talking about how it's been really hard for him and Monica (his wife) to connect for the last while. It's always disarming in a way talking with Ian. He always says a lot of things that make a terrible amount of sense but I don't always have permission to pursue. Lots of other good things that I should do, but yeah wisdom comes out of that boy's mouth - God bless it.
Went off to Jeana's baby shower with RJ. Got to have a great ride out with him. The shower was good. It was fun writing a message in the cover of the children's book I got for Rylee. I thought it was bizarre when one of Jeana's friends saw it and made some comment about it being the best thing she'd ever read like that. Most of it was silly but there was some serious stuff at the end which was mostly a prayer. Oh God, draw her to your heart.
Yay. Then it was off to Jenn's for Ang & Kevin's engagement party the second, of a few. More good times. Chats with several people and great food and then RJ drove us home to relax because we were both quite tired out. And then I blogged. And I suppose I didn't include a great many things I was thinking about this week. So I didn't share the ocean after all, but what can I say, it's an ocean, and I'm sure you have your own, and I need to go to sleep.
God bless Kirk as he speaks tomorrow. Take away the confusing distraction of messy assurance/confidence. Instead bless him as his heart, so closely tied to yours, comes eloquently off his tongue and graces us hearers.
YES! Damien just called, well actually first Erin called, and then 3 minutes later he did, but they both wanted to know the same thing, if the girls made it home OK since they took the wrong turn (they were fine). And so I finally got to find out a nice way of asking for Sherry on the phone in French.
Es ce que je peux parle a Sherry s'il vous plait?
I miss her tellement
I've been working longer hours and that's been a little taxing. And running around crazy like always and so last weekend I took a breather. It was rather strange. Saturday was so dark, even though there were little, yet strong moments of sunshine. I went outside and read on the front steps from a picture-filled story-telling journal Sherry left me. It was grandish. Then I had a nap in the sun for a tiny bit and got up and went in to the house and barely made it 5 steps before I knew I should re-direct to the couch before I crashed. I woke up at 5:30. I was still drained, just more awake, and so I hung out in my room, catching up on a few of my projects. I made myself a very very late supper of chicken strips and onion rings, and listened to a CD while I fell asleep.
Sunday I woke up a little bit rough, but it was so different. I had energy and motivation and got so much done and was joyful, and then I got a trampoline! I also had evening prayer with Andy and Pam and that was great. It was a sharp turning point. While we were waiting for Andy, I asked Pam if she would pray for me and Sherry. It felt like such a strange thing to ask because I didn't really understand why. So Pam started praying and every word was important and Andy came in half way through and looked up 1 Peter 1 and read it to me. And I wasn't sure about the significance at the time. Or what was behind it, even though he prayed to go along with it. I did know that something immediately shifted in my spirit that night.
I was bursting to talk to Sherry. Which was cool in an odd way. She's been really going after me to talk more, and now I had lots I couldn't wait to say, which actually, is how I usually am. I'm always getting excited about things and telling people. But it's not like yay, now I can solve Sherry needing me to talk more, it was, hmm, pure? good? right? Some word like those.
Challengingly I knew I was booked for the first half of the week. Monday I went over to my parents' to hang out with my family. Tuesday I went out to Cochrane. Wednesday I again hung out with my family. We watched Pirates 3. They've been trying for weeks to match schedules to watch a movie together and equally importantly, Melanie was leaving the next day for her big trip and I really wanted to be there and bon voyage her and pray and give her a hug and such things. I'd actually gotten off work early Wednesday due to the weather and so I tried to call Sherry then but alas she was out at a cafe. Instead I finished my week of prayer stuff.
Thursday. Finally. By now I couldn't believe the week. Amidst all the busyness, God had taken whatever he planted on Sunday and it had grown much larger. Andy's passage got into my spirit and yet again God taught me and showed me and shared the love between me and him and then connected it to Sherry. And it felt like the grinch christmas cartoon heart phenomenon, except mine was in no way small to begin with.
I was ridiculously impatient to get the work day over in the afternoon which had to be watched carefully since there was some frustrations going on and so I was prone to ugliness. Driving home was also increasingly impatient and again, please Nolan, calm down. So I got home and showered and snatched the phone much to Pam and Rebekah's amusement since apparently I was looking good, and maybe Sherry would see it through the phone... But no answer.
Supper was pleasant. Then we went out to DQ and began RJ's D&G. Driving home was fun. Then we continued the D&G after RJ with Pam. Pam is great. So is Ang, who had the perfect response. Then we got to pray. Which was super cool. I couldn't wait for each person to pray. Although while praying for the Blocks I ended up feeling a little, hmm, not out of place, but out of time. As if I wasn't connecting right now, but I would (which I did, the next morning on the way to work). After prayer, RJ asked me if I would cut his hair, which I was perfectly happy to do, but he could see the hesitation in my face, and I told him I wanted to try calling Sherry again, even though it was now quarter to eleven in Quebec. RJ and Andy were both great since they both agreed with me that calling anyway was fine. And so I started with her cell so as to avoid waking other people up, kind of, but no, and then the home phone which only gave me a machine again. And I left a brief message which wasn't very good, but I didn't want to talk to the machine. So then I went and well, then I ate several cookies and jumped on the trampoline a while and then came back and cut RJ's hair which was fun. Then I stayed up late with Andy going over french again.
Friday I was tired and ended up 15 min late to work and in my rush, I locked my keys in my car. So stupid, in a funny laughing at myself sort of way. AMA gave me a 300 minute, yes 5 hour estimate, which meant 3:00. Well I guess I'll be fasting today God. Watch over me because being light-headed and weak while working on the roof seems rather perilous. Kyle however insisted on buying me something when he returned after first break so we went to Tim Horton's and I got a chili & bun. AMA got there before second break after all so I got to eat the tasty salad I'd made myself and yummy yogurt and grapefruit. Then I was lying there and made up a little song in my head with the french words stuck in my head from the day before. Then I realized, I need to write this down because it's fun and I'll never remember it otherwise. So I did. When I came home, I needed to shower and clean up right away to get over to Jono's birthday bbq on time, but who was I kidding? I missed Sherry, and tried to call again. Nope, so off to the BBQ I went. It was so much fun. Smiles and jokes and good food and company all night long. Stayed late and then returned to get some sleep before getting up early to help Ian build a fence in the morning.
No materials so we stalled and went out for breakfast and then hung out and chatted. Ian's such a cool guy. I felt really bad for him, because like it always seems to go with construction, things went wrong and there were lots of annoying snags. Tomorrow after church I will go help him finish before coming home for dinner and the would-be final chapter of D&G. He was talking about how it's been really hard for him and Monica (his wife) to connect for the last while. It's always disarming in a way talking with Ian. He always says a lot of things that make a terrible amount of sense but I don't always have permission to pursue. Lots of other good things that I should do, but yeah wisdom comes out of that boy's mouth - God bless it.
Went off to Jeana's baby shower with RJ. Got to have a great ride out with him. The shower was good. It was fun writing a message in the cover of the children's book I got for Rylee. I thought it was bizarre when one of Jeana's friends saw it and made some comment about it being the best thing she'd ever read like that. Most of it was silly but there was some serious stuff at the end which was mostly a prayer. Oh God, draw her to your heart.
Yay. Then it was off to Jenn's for Ang & Kevin's engagement party the second, of a few. More good times. Chats with several people and great food and then RJ drove us home to relax because we were both quite tired out. And then I blogged. And I suppose I didn't include a great many things I was thinking about this week. So I didn't share the ocean after all, but what can I say, it's an ocean, and I'm sure you have your own, and I need to go to sleep.
God bless Kirk as he speaks tomorrow. Take away the confusing distraction of messy assurance/confidence. Instead bless him as his heart, so closely tied to yours, comes eloquently off his tongue and graces us hearers.
YES! Damien just called, well actually first Erin called, and then 3 minutes later he did, but they both wanted to know the same thing, if the girls made it home OK since they took the wrong turn (they were fine). And so I finally got to find out a nice way of asking for Sherry on the phone in French.
Es ce que je peux parle a Sherry s'il vous plait?
I miss her tellement
Rant
So today someone asked me if I minded if they smoked a cigar. And I told them not to worry about it. Do I mind? Well yes. I have a very very strong gut level aversion to smoking of all forms. However for a long time I've had the intention to look into the health facts of cigars and shisha vs cigarettes, not because I was interested in starting either, but just because I didn't know. So today I did, and was horrified about the shisha and definitely not impressed with the cigars. So from a more knowledgeable standing, I hate it.
I hate it.
And it irks me, because in the past being in smoky places, has bothered me strongly, but I've done it anyway, especially if it's friends. But really a loud voice yells inside with startling intensity. And it's hard especially with some good friends and good people who enjoy it. But, it's also hard to have relatives die from second-hand smoke cancer and leave behind their wife and three young kids. And an uncle truck driver to have tongue cancer.
While those things are disturbing, it's not what drives the outrage. I think it stems straight from heart-breaking self-destruction, that affects the people around you, and then treating it so lightly. It's fun. It smells good. The buzz. It's not that bad. Fuck you.
That was honest. But it's not good either. Perhaps it's as bad as what I'm so angry about. And it's confusing because I clearly care about you if I get riled enough to be like that. Appropriate response though?
I hate it.
And it irks me, because in the past being in smoky places, has bothered me strongly, but I've done it anyway, especially if it's friends. But really a loud voice yells inside with startling intensity. And it's hard especially with some good friends and good people who enjoy it. But, it's also hard to have relatives die from second-hand smoke cancer and leave behind their wife and three young kids. And an uncle truck driver to have tongue cancer.
While those things are disturbing, it's not what drives the outrage. I think it stems straight from heart-breaking self-destruction, that affects the people around you, and then treating it so lightly. It's fun. It smells good. The buzz. It's not that bad. Fuck you.
That was honest. But it's not good either. Perhaps it's as bad as what I'm so angry about. And it's confusing because I clearly care about you if I get riled enough to be like that. Appropriate response though?
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Ordinary and the Ridiculous
This is what I submitted for my 'week of prayer'. The people in the Urban Monastery have been taking turns being in charge of a week of prayer and it has taken several different forms. I actually went out and got temporary tattoos for everyone as a visual reminder to pray through these things. Obviously you don't have to do everything. It's an inspirational starting point. The days aren't in a specific order so if you want you can re-arrange them ahead of time if you know which they might suit.
Day MMMMMmmmm:
Music – Listen to a CD, or the radio, or yourself singing. Listen while you are driving, or working, or standing in the kitchen. Pray. Dance, Jesus will love it. Pay attention to the lyrics – pray in response: emotional intercession or romantic praise or quizzical musings. Ignore the lyrics (or make up your own) – thank God for great music and pray for the musician
Read 13 verses (M is the 13th letter in the alphabet) from any of Malachi, 13 words Melchizadek said, or 13 poems about the Moon. You can even read 13 pages from a book you're already reading. Pray. Make an improvised over-dramatic play to illustrate what you read. Re-read it with silly (or morose) voices until you smile (or cry), Jesus will too, I promise.
Movie – Watch a movie, by yourself or with friends. At the theatres or in your basement. Eating popcorn or sitting upside down. Pray. Who do the characters remind you of? Which pair of shoes do you think God liked the best? Was there any social injustices you can cry about?
Eat a muffin. Experience God's kingdom come to earth as it is in heaven. Thank God for blueberries or chocolate or zucchini or bananas and whoever made the muffins and for their eye colour, because it's rather grand of God to make different eye colours.
Responsibility Day:
Cooking – Pick up groceries, browse through a cookbook, cut your finger chopping onions, yell when you burn dinner. Pray. Thank God you get to eat food every day. Thank God that sometimes you don't have to cook your own meals and that other people do it for you. Thank God you still have all your fingers. Thank God that he doesn't get too scared while you yell and scream and that he still loves you.
Cleaning – Wipe the counter, vacuum your car, iron your kitten's shirt, discover the floor. Pray. Take a picture, it might never be clean again, and then ask God if he did that before he made pigeons. Ask God to bless whomever might be appreciative that you're cleaning. Ask God to bless children in orphanages who might never get to be clean and to bless parents who adopt. Pray for protection against the toxins in the vim you're still using up before you switch over to Andrea's Mamoomka brand.
Errands – Do something on your to-do list. Get an oil change. File something. Go shopping. Prepare a week of prayer with multi-colours and dollar-store give-aways. Pray. Thank God that he is with you, holding your hand, keeping you company, watching over you. Tell him you can't wait until heaven when you get to be married. Offer him a treat, perhaps a coffee slurpee? You can't see him? Well fine, give it to that guy washing people's windows. He's busy? Fine, invite him over for dinner later.
Pretty Bum Day:
Walk or bike somewhere instead of driving. The bank, the store, JLYS, the backyard. Pray. Thank God for the smells, the sunshine (or the rain). Pray for shops and homes you pass. Smile and say hello and God bless to people you pass. Listen. Ask God to speak about the UM. Ask him for someone to focus on for a week.
Go to the gym, or a pilates class, or a non-spectating sporting event. Do an extra lap, or 10 push-ups before you go to bed. Pray. Thank God that life is a struggle. Thank God that he made you beautiful and that you haven't contracted diabetes yet from eating 6 cookies when you got home yesterday. Speaking of which...
Make a healthier food choice. Eat porridge without sugar. Eat a salad with lots of vegetables. Skip desert. Drink water instead of juice. Pray. Thank God that you don't always get what you want. Contemplate that most people don't. Thank God for will-power to resist, sin and chocolate bunnies. .
The Day of Chill:
Make yourself a smoothie. Have a bubble bath. Watch Seinfeld. Go lie on the trampoline in your bathing suit. Sleep in. Turn off your cell phone. Light candles at dinner. Put on slippers. Pray. Whisper something unintelligible but friendly the first 3 times you wake up. Thank God for silence and then stop thinking. Thank Jesus that he rested, and that he told you to too.
Amnesia Day:
Forget to pray. Be busy and crazy and hectic. Don't worry about it. God was with you the whole time and he already knew it was going to happen and he said to tell you he thinks you're wonderful and not to worry about it.
Making Money:
You have to do it. You might like it. You might hate it. You might wish you were better at it. You might wonder how you will do enough of it. You might spend much more time than you'd prefer doing it. Pray. Ask God to help you today before you start. Ask God to reveal himself to your co-workers. Ask God to interrupt you several times to chat. Ask God to show you the calling on your life. Ask God to help you figure out a better means of paying bills. Thank God for where you are right now. Give some of what you made away.
Shooting The Breeze:
Call your Mom. Have a DTR (define the relationship). Ask a child random questions, like where they would put an extra eye if they had one and listen to their answers. Compliment your cashier or waiter. Tell your friends cheesy jokes. Stab someone in the face, verbally. Pray. Ask forgiveness for not calling your Mom sooner. Tell Jesus you think it's wonderful that he match-makes. Thank God you're not a parent yet. Tell him you hope you have 5 children when you are. Ask for someone's salvation. Beg him to send his Holy Spirit to minister healing and understanding and love and forgiveness and break down hardened hearts and open eyes and to fulfill Jesus' prayer for unity.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Do I Ever Think Out Loud?
[Sherry STOP! This thing is as long as a book, but if you want, you should refrain from reading it, and call me up and make me read it to you. Won't that be fun? An hour or so of me talking and I'll even be mean and not let you interrupt me.]
Sherry asked me yesterday on the phone. I said yes, but the question rolled around in my head for the next hour or more.
It almost makes me choke (the kind of choking that leads to tears when you're overtired, but I'm not) because it's tied to so many things and I don't know where to start.
OK the lighter side first. I walked to the bank and back while thinking about this, and then I helped Pam with gardening since she asked, and she said it would make me feel better, which was a rather prophetic thing to say because it did. Anyway, while going inside to put some stuff down and find bug spray etc. I was talking to myself and realized it as I was walking back out and stopped and laughed. I talk to myself all the time which is precisely thinking out loud. So the obvious answer is of course yes.
I also polled Pam, Kirk, and RJ just for fun. Kirk voted that I don't talk enough. He likened me to God who is smart and thus Kirk appreciates what he has to say, but he has some sort of funky currency for how he talks and so sometimes he's silent and other times he uses varied ways to communicate, but again I got an emphatic, "say more!"
Pam's answer was ironic because she said that sometimes I do what Pam likes to call, "the Sherry Victor," where I give people a blank stare. I wasn't especially concerned about Pam holding to my need to talk more. I'm not sure why, but I end up seeing Pam quite a bit, relative to the house, mornings or after work or whatever and end up chatting.
I kept interrupting RJ with the blender and we were joking around but then he refused to answer, so he doesn't get a public opinion, even if it was a good one.
I suppose I should have asked God what he thinks, and I guess I'll give you a story for this part for now. When I was leaving to go to the bank, I passed Ang, who upon seeing me, apologized to someone on the phone (because she'd thought I already left). So I lay in the grass and let the ants crawl on me and forgot that there were mosquitoes about while I waited. And while lying there I wondered what I might say. I still felt empty, though peaceable. And I think I might have prayed something like God help. He said I should pray with her on the phone. He'd mentioned this at some earlier point too.
So towards the end of the phone call, it came back and before I brought it up, I realized, I'm empty. I don't know how to pray right now. Right about then Sherry interrupted my thoughts by asking me what I was thinking. She had already said she needed to go, her friends were waiting for her, but then she'd started talking about her dreams.
First I was tempted to ask about her dreams, but wait, I really want to pray before she left, since God had suggested it, so yes, that's what I'll do, except I had nothing to say for/to God.
This is an excellent excellent example of what happens a lot in my brain. There is a decision to be made, but there is a distraction that I can't resolve and I get stuck.
I really appreciate friends who so often get me past this hiccup. RJ has been doing this for 5 years and it's great.
The brain freeze happens at work all the time and gets me very frustrated, mostly if Kyle isn't around, but even when he is, if it's something I should be able to resolve quickly but don't.
Sherry commented, isn't it great how fast one can think? And I answered sure. Sure because I've often marveled at such things. But it's not very helpful for communication. If I look at what I've written above, which I have a couple of times, there are ridiculous numerous branches, where my brain has taken off on a different direction, except I have to finish off my first thought or it will lose the point or the emphasis. My brain isn't linear. It jumps around with connections. So if I could hyperlink a whack of words from within a single paragraph and then go give each of them their own paragraph, it would better represent how I'm actually thinking, but it's scary because I can think really quickly (when my brain isn't frozen, but even then it's revving, just not productively) and there could be a dozen paragraphs and each of those could have a dozen paragraphs, and they have immediate connections to past conversations and events and people and places and songs and smells and tastes and I can experience those connections in all of their dimensions in a tiny fraction of a second. Each one an entity, and I can't really see them as if it were a vision, I'm just aware they're there. It's like each one is a person with their own identity and personality.
So how do you think out loud?
I often talk to myself in the morning: Focus Nolan! Make your lunch. But I won't even turn around to get to the fridge before my brain's occupied with a hundred things.
I don't know how other people's brains work. But man, mine makes me wonder if it talks to itself out loud for things that everyone else's is on silent autopilot for. And then it has the nerve to ask me my opinion on everything.
So sometimes it's nice to be so worn out and tired from being so busy, because then I'm too tired to notice the thousand things lurking below the surface. I can turn it off and ignore them, or at least make it less frantic. It's much harder to do that when I'm alone, although writing can be a bit of a concentrated outlet. I prefer people though, and it can be very relaxing to listen to you. Because although my brain is still multi-tasking, playing with what you say, at least it's engaged in a single train of thought, because you can only talk to me about one thing at a time.
At least until you ask me a question. And then yes, I'll give you a stare, while my brain explodes in several directions. And I'm left confused because sometimes none of those are answers. They're explorations and research and more questions. And they're demanding specifics. Begging you to refine your question. Narrow it down so I can eliminate all the extraneous. And I wish I was a big picture kind of person. I assume those people can spread all of their thoughts out like a map and compare them. Mine however are a jumbled up pile of details, definitely not laid out and neatly organized and sorted for ease of analysis.
Maybe that's why it's so relaxing when everything around me is organized. My brain has less to do.
So, new poll, am I crazy?
I'm going to go first and say no. I'm too happy most of the time to be crazy. I only bottom out a dozen times a year, and in between when I start to slip, it takes very little to boost me up.
It should be stated that I don't think I'm a genius or anything like that. When I say my mind goes off in a hundred directions, please don't think of Ted Dekker's book Blink, as if I can see all possible outcomes. I might be thinking of a lot of things all at the same time, but that doesn't mean that any of those are especially smart or good thoughts. Again, I really appreciate friends because frequently they'll say things that are so simple and, good, and they never entered my head.
I'll also say that I can get so annoyed with my brain, especially while driving, because it can focus on and think to death the most banal subjects. Ugh! Can't I think about something more interesting or worthwhile?
Oooh ooh, and as if this wasn't already a book, I've come back to add another bit. Somehow this might be connected to why I really like activity. Singing for example. It's taking my focus and putting it on music, and on a task. I'm still just as distracted with other thoughts and the things going on around me, but at least I've limited my brain a bit and it can't think to the same magnitude.
And sleep is always a good thing. It makes me much sharper. Duh.
Right, and I never finished my story about God.
So after Sherry asked me what I was thinking and I gave her the short run-down. Well, actually I think that's when she asked me question, and then she moved on to her dreams, which I thought was kind of funny since, in my head I had opted for prayer. Anyway there was some sort of awkward bit of conversation after that about whether or not I would pray. I was probably quiet a few moments because I still couldn't pray. So I think she asked me if I was going to, and I wavered, frustrated, and then said yes, because it was right and I had to.
So then I started and the prayers came. It was actually kind of shocking in a very pleasant way. I prayed about Chasey and somethings that had registered a little bit during his grad ceremony. I thanked God for my Dad's eyes doing good and a couple other things. But it sounded good. I won't explain this well enough. Sherry and God both got what they wanted because I was thinking out loud. None of that had been preconceived before I said it. It hadn't been rolling around in my head wondering how it would look when it finally came out. Yes it was about things that had happened earlier in the day, and specifically thoughts that had occurred earlier that day, but I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, and I hadn't thought of them since.
So I guess I'm trying to tell you I enjoyed it too. Instead of an exercize in tripping over myself trying to verbalize something that's been eluding me for the last ten minutes in my head. Something I'm sick or bored of already. Something that will feel hollow and thin and cheap to say out loud (insert hyper-link to old nickname from Nathan: Nolan non-repeating Archer). It was fresh and new and interesting to hear come out of my mouth.
Sherry asked me yesterday on the phone. I said yes, but the question rolled around in my head for the next hour or more.
It almost makes me choke (the kind of choking that leads to tears when you're overtired, but I'm not) because it's tied to so many things and I don't know where to start.
OK the lighter side first. I walked to the bank and back while thinking about this, and then I helped Pam with gardening since she asked, and she said it would make me feel better, which was a rather prophetic thing to say because it did. Anyway, while going inside to put some stuff down and find bug spray etc. I was talking to myself and realized it as I was walking back out and stopped and laughed. I talk to myself all the time which is precisely thinking out loud. So the obvious answer is of course yes.
I also polled Pam, Kirk, and RJ just for fun. Kirk voted that I don't talk enough. He likened me to God who is smart and thus Kirk appreciates what he has to say, but he has some sort of funky currency for how he talks and so sometimes he's silent and other times he uses varied ways to communicate, but again I got an emphatic, "say more!"
Pam's answer was ironic because she said that sometimes I do what Pam likes to call, "the Sherry Victor," where I give people a blank stare. I wasn't especially concerned about Pam holding to my need to talk more. I'm not sure why, but I end up seeing Pam quite a bit, relative to the house, mornings or after work or whatever and end up chatting.
I kept interrupting RJ with the blender and we were joking around but then he refused to answer, so he doesn't get a public opinion, even if it was a good one.
I suppose I should have asked God what he thinks, and I guess I'll give you a story for this part for now. When I was leaving to go to the bank, I passed Ang, who upon seeing me, apologized to someone on the phone (because she'd thought I already left). So I lay in the grass and let the ants crawl on me and forgot that there were mosquitoes about while I waited. And while lying there I wondered what I might say. I still felt empty, though peaceable. And I think I might have prayed something like God help. He said I should pray with her on the phone. He'd mentioned this at some earlier point too.
So towards the end of the phone call, it came back and before I brought it up, I realized, I'm empty. I don't know how to pray right now. Right about then Sherry interrupted my thoughts by asking me what I was thinking. She had already said she needed to go, her friends were waiting for her, but then she'd started talking about her dreams.
First I was tempted to ask about her dreams, but wait, I really want to pray before she left, since God had suggested it, so yes, that's what I'll do, except I had nothing to say for/to God.
This is an excellent excellent example of what happens a lot in my brain. There is a decision to be made, but there is a distraction that I can't resolve and I get stuck.
I really appreciate friends who so often get me past this hiccup. RJ has been doing this for 5 years and it's great.
The brain freeze happens at work all the time and gets me very frustrated, mostly if Kyle isn't around, but even when he is, if it's something I should be able to resolve quickly but don't.
Sherry commented, isn't it great how fast one can think? And I answered sure. Sure because I've often marveled at such things. But it's not very helpful for communication. If I look at what I've written above, which I have a couple of times, there are ridiculous numerous branches, where my brain has taken off on a different direction, except I have to finish off my first thought or it will lose the point or the emphasis. My brain isn't linear. It jumps around with connections. So if I could hyperlink a whack of words from within a single paragraph and then go give each of them their own paragraph, it would better represent how I'm actually thinking, but it's scary because I can think really quickly (when my brain isn't frozen, but even then it's revving, just not productively) and there could be a dozen paragraphs and each of those could have a dozen paragraphs, and they have immediate connections to past conversations and events and people and places and songs and smells and tastes and I can experience those connections in all of their dimensions in a tiny fraction of a second. Each one an entity, and I can't really see them as if it were a vision, I'm just aware they're there. It's like each one is a person with their own identity and personality.
So how do you think out loud?
I often talk to myself in the morning: Focus Nolan! Make your lunch. But I won't even turn around to get to the fridge before my brain's occupied with a hundred things.
I don't know how other people's brains work. But man, mine makes me wonder if it talks to itself out loud for things that everyone else's is on silent autopilot for. And then it has the nerve to ask me my opinion on everything.
So sometimes it's nice to be so worn out and tired from being so busy, because then I'm too tired to notice the thousand things lurking below the surface. I can turn it off and ignore them, or at least make it less frantic. It's much harder to do that when I'm alone, although writing can be a bit of a concentrated outlet. I prefer people though, and it can be very relaxing to listen to you. Because although my brain is still multi-tasking, playing with what you say, at least it's engaged in a single train of thought, because you can only talk to me about one thing at a time.
At least until you ask me a question. And then yes, I'll give you a stare, while my brain explodes in several directions. And I'm left confused because sometimes none of those are answers. They're explorations and research and more questions. And they're demanding specifics. Begging you to refine your question. Narrow it down so I can eliminate all the extraneous. And I wish I was a big picture kind of person. I assume those people can spread all of their thoughts out like a map and compare them. Mine however are a jumbled up pile of details, definitely not laid out and neatly organized and sorted for ease of analysis.
Maybe that's why it's so relaxing when everything around me is organized. My brain has less to do.
So, new poll, am I crazy?
I'm going to go first and say no. I'm too happy most of the time to be crazy. I only bottom out a dozen times a year, and in between when I start to slip, it takes very little to boost me up.
It should be stated that I don't think I'm a genius or anything like that. When I say my mind goes off in a hundred directions, please don't think of Ted Dekker's book Blink, as if I can see all possible outcomes. I might be thinking of a lot of things all at the same time, but that doesn't mean that any of those are especially smart or good thoughts. Again, I really appreciate friends because frequently they'll say things that are so simple and, good, and they never entered my head.
I'll also say that I can get so annoyed with my brain, especially while driving, because it can focus on and think to death the most banal subjects. Ugh! Can't I think about something more interesting or worthwhile?
Oooh ooh, and as if this wasn't already a book, I've come back to add another bit. Somehow this might be connected to why I really like activity. Singing for example. It's taking my focus and putting it on music, and on a task. I'm still just as distracted with other thoughts and the things going on around me, but at least I've limited my brain a bit and it can't think to the same magnitude.
And sleep is always a good thing. It makes me much sharper. Duh.
Right, and I never finished my story about God.
So after Sherry asked me what I was thinking and I gave her the short run-down. Well, actually I think that's when she asked me question, and then she moved on to her dreams, which I thought was kind of funny since, in my head I had opted for prayer. Anyway there was some sort of awkward bit of conversation after that about whether or not I would pray. I was probably quiet a few moments because I still couldn't pray. So I think she asked me if I was going to, and I wavered, frustrated, and then said yes, because it was right and I had to.
So then I started and the prayers came. It was actually kind of shocking in a very pleasant way. I prayed about Chasey and somethings that had registered a little bit during his grad ceremony. I thanked God for my Dad's eyes doing good and a couple other things. But it sounded good. I won't explain this well enough. Sherry and God both got what they wanted because I was thinking out loud. None of that had been preconceived before I said it. It hadn't been rolling around in my head wondering how it would look when it finally came out. Yes it was about things that had happened earlier in the day, and specifically thoughts that had occurred earlier that day, but I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, and I hadn't thought of them since.
So I guess I'm trying to tell you I enjoyed it too. Instead of an exercize in tripping over myself trying to verbalize something that's been eluding me for the last ten minutes in my head. Something I'm sick or bored of already. Something that will feel hollow and thin and cheap to say out loud (insert hyper-link to old nickname from Nathan: Nolan non-repeating Archer). It was fresh and new and interesting to hear come out of my mouth.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Sherry's Phonetically Translated Post Translated By Nolan
I am that person... you know the one
Okay random... everything I type is changing into a different language on the screen right before my eyes and I don`t know what language it is... it looks like some Indian language perhaps?? I am not sure if my blog will come out in English or something foreign to us all. Hooo boy! we`re in for a surprise puyet itar.
I was just going to say that I am the person that we have all encountered in Canada who is learning English, the one who doesn't yet have all of the tenses correct and says things like, "I am went to the store (using the word that means a grocery store) yesterday for to bought soy me for"... or something like that!! I have said some pretty funny things I am pretty darned sure. I was trying to tell my French "mom" who is a 37 year old hot, chique, cool woman, that she is welcome to come to Calgary anytime!! what I ended up saying was that she is welcome sometimes - not anytime... just sometimes... like perhaps only on Sundays. Anyhow... we all laughed until we couldn`t breathe and then some more. More like until I almost peed my pants. So funny. But.... nechsassito!!! Anyhow... I`m out like trout. later skaters.
[wasn't sure about puyet itar or nechsassito, but nechsassito should be a word. It looks like lots of fun]
No I will not translate anyone else's posts if you go into your global settings and turn on the Hindi button. Manually converting every word and then figuring it out might have been fun this time... but nechsassito!!!
Note: chique and soy were dubious conversions.
Sherry's Hindi post, translated phonetically by blogger
ई eum thaat parason...yoo knov the van...
okay random...yeverything ई taaeep is changing into अ diphpherent language on the skriin raaeet bephore may yeyes nd ई don`त knov vahat language it is...it lookas like som indiyan language perhaps?? ई eum not sur iph may blog vil kom aaut in inglish or something phoren to us al। hooo boy! vii`re in phor अ surprise puyet itar। ई vaas just going to say thaat ई eum the parason thaat vii have al lenkoutnered in kanaadaa vho is liirning inglish। the van vho desan`त yet have al ophthe tenses korrecht nd says things like, "ई eum vent to the stor (using the vard thaat maans अ grosary stor) yesterday phor to bought shoye me phor"... or someting like thaat!! ई have said som pretty phunny thiin jas ई eum pretty darned sur। ई vaas trying to tel may phrench "mom" vho is अ 37 year old hot, chik, kool vooman, thaat she is velkome to kom to kaalgaary anytime!! vahat ई inded up saying vaas thaat she is velkome sometimes। not anytime...just sometimes...like perhaps onalii on sundays। anyhov...vii al loughed until vii kouldan`त breathe nd then som more। more like until ई almost ped may pants। so phunny। but....nechsassito!!! anyhov...ई`म aaut like trout। letar skaters.
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