Am I Mambo?

So today I was given a rather bold assessment from my closest 7-year old companion, Connor.

"You equal Mambo."

"Who's Mambo?"

"From Happy Feet. You're not ready for a long-term relationship."

Wow, what a clairvoyant (sp no longer a ? because Andrea's sitting beside me on the couch, a couch with only two cushions I might imply...) child. How did he know that just this week, I almost blogged on a sudden recollection. Except that it was late and I was tired and God said.
Sheesh! I live in a community house with all these people trying to distract me. No that's not what God said. That was me after a ten minute entertaining delay. So anyway, God said that blogging wouldn't be choosing life. And I agreed and went to bed.

The other week when it was my turn to talk about me on Monday night, I somehow managed to focus in on girls. Which in my opinion was very strange since I'd spent a great deal of time thinking and reflecting, etc. and that wasn't even a smidgen. However at the end of the evening Pam had a question for me and she wanted to know why I'd focused on that.
Huh?
Hmm, I suppose I did, and I have no idea why, it wasn't planned.
I don't remember a ton about what my response was, but I do remember mentioning that I never want to sacrifice my life to aquiesce someone else's. They cautioned me about that but I don't think they really understood what I meant. Obviously I'm quite aware that any relationship involves compromise, and supporting one another, and adjustments, etc. and that family life is entirely different than single life. What I was trying to shoot down is the common impulse to find fulfillment in a significant other, to the point of idolization. To shape my life around a girl instead of around God's plan for my life is no option for me.
Anyway, they prayed for my wife, just like I wrote, nothing specific, and Ang cautioned me about internal vows.

Thinking about it afterwards I remembered why I'd actually said I wouldn't and/or couldn't date anyone. All this time I'd only remembered about feeling too young and that I needed to live a little. I needed to move out, to get a car, to experience. So that was 4 years ago. Have I done some of that? Two of those receive a definitive yes, the last one can't be proven empiracly(sp?).

But yes, sometime in the last two weeks, it came back to me, the bigger, slightly more recent fight. It all came back with the phrase, I don't exist. I don't think I ever got to that journal reading backwards, but I can still remember writing it. I remember the flurry of writing that came out.
The fading or under-prioritized dreams of me. With such little time left in life after responsibilities, who has the time when everyone else needs help? I wondered in the last couple of weeks whether anyone is actually doing good. I never seem to meet those people, or at least perceive them that way. It made me wonder about an old prayer I had for someone, that they wouldn't believe life is a tragedy. Even writing this now makes me think of It's A Wonderful Life. I suppose I've always seen a glimmer of me in that movie, and it's never saddened me. Except that then people challenge me with things like praying about what God's calling is for my life, because it's a big one.
My old journal vehemently expressed that in the end, all you can really give someone else in a relationship is yourself, and if you don't exist, then you have nothing to give. Right now I don't know exactly how that fits with the concept from Life Together about loving people indirectly, through Christ, instead of directly.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. But Jeana asked a good question today. What's something I want to do before I die? Yes Family is a big deal for me, and for some reason I presumed that was an assumed standard. And if, as I suspect, music is a part of dreams of me, then that is an obstacle for the family piece. But I don't think that scares me, because I don't generally let things bother me, especially if they're not immediate concerns, and I am very good at preserving the state of being laid back. Besides, don't I need to trust in, lean on, and depend on God? Isn't that faith?

So am I Mambo? Or am I ready for a long term relationship? Or am I ready for Mambo #5? Just kidding.
Well you can guess, and tell me all your thoughts, or less. But I will hide mine, because I've been practicing listening to God again, and he's been having some fun using song lyrics again. And I've been content with his answers. And I don't have anything I can't let go of now do I?