Truth

Hello, it's late and I need to go to bed, but I can't help but write another novel. No! This one will be the one. This one will be short. I believe in countering lies with truth and since I recognized while it was happening and still, that last night's mini-episode of depression were attacking lies... I'm going to quickly record some opposites.
I thoroughly enjoyed praying with Andrea and Jenn and Rachel and Kristen tonight. I loved the silly outbursts that I'm so familiar with and yet don't see as often anymore. It was like praying with Trevor and Nathan and Jono and some other guys a couple of years ago.
So in that sense, I fit.
And last night I remembered in the history too, and will recount it here, my memory of the first prayer room at the House (actually there was lots of memories but I'll stay focused). I remember praying with Ian and Curtis and Tina and a couple of other people from my house church, and it was amazing. It was a beautiful picture of the unity that Christ prayed for and it was breathtaking. Yes I have felt ackward throughout the last 3 1/2 years, but there have definitely been moments, lots of moments, where I have not.
Thank you Jesus. I love you.

The Goodship Lifestyle

Yes this is a Chumbawamba song. Not even a radio song; you know all two of them - Amnesia and Tubthumping (actually Michelle Robinson liked Amnesia in Grade 9 - am I a detail memory freak when it comes to girls or what?).

This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
All my friends jumped ship
I elect me the captain
This is the loneliest voyage
I've ever been on
Up in the crow's nest -
Over there! I see land!
First mate? There is no first mate...
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle

Sail away from the world

So steer a course
A course for nowhere
And drop the anchor
My little empire
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
I fly my very own flag
TV dinners for one
At the captain's table
Repel all boarders!
Draw the curtains tighter!
Where's the crew? There is no crew...
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle

Sail away from the world

So steer a course
A course for nowhere
And drop the anchor
My little empire
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere



So I got to Converge tonight in a highly pleasant mood. I'm actually very nearly finished my income taxes.
I had some excellent food for dinner. Chatted with some excellent people. Worshipped God with some excellent songs. Got to pray for Lisa. Then the talking began.
They went through the history of epic. Remember when? Yes I do. And I think that's where I started to go downhill.
Too many ugly things buried that started to remind me that they never changed, they were simply forgotten.
Then Chad got to talk, and he used a picture that sealed the storm that was starting. Jr. High.

Hello. I am Jr. High. If Jr. High means ackward. Here am I.

And I cried.
Later on the song I reprinted above came to mind as the closest thing to describe how I was feeling, I couldn't even remember the words but I knew what it was about.
It's because I started thinking about disappearing. How I could. It would make precious little difference for long to anyone else but me. Disappearing is absurd because I couldn't handle it. But I could do an excellent job of it.
Sure there would be my pesky family and RJ who would immediately notice and want to know what was wrong, but if I ran away RJ could just get depressed himself and what could my family do about it?
How many people call me? Almost no one. Almost never.
Nathan called me today. Cyler called me yesterday. Old friends. They might be in different places now and busy, but I still fit there somehow.
And epic?
The history of epic?
Ackward.
Lots of nice people.
And it doesn't help.
Ackward.
Forever ackward.
And I wasn't even thinking about anything specific. I couldn't. I was too tired. Just hints of off shoots and all of them hurt.
It's never left. Not in three and a half years.

Later Damien came up and asked if I wasn't alright. Which I wasn't but I didn't know how to even talk about it. I was going to go home and listen to the song and go to bed and wake up and forget about it again.
But I told him he could pray. I know prayer is good. I did after all make RJ be prayed over before leaving on Wednesday even though he felt crappy and didn't want it.
And God very quickly gave him very specific things to pray for. And I cried again.
Disconnection. Not fitting in. Being needed. Not being brushed aside. Hell, God even mentioned music. He brought up the verse about the different parts of the body, and I was... um I can't remember actually - basically I'm vital even if I don't have a noticable function.
Damien said I couldn't leave though. He needed me there. I even got a hug out of the deal. Not to mention I got to pray for him afterwards. I really like prayer.

So it ended pleasantly. Kind of like the conversation just now with my brother, who is cool and just got his eyebrow pierced.

Leaving Disastermx Behind

So I feel obliged to leave [my epic journal] and go follow the sheep to blogspot.com
In fact I did start nolanarcher.blogspot.com but never did anything with it.
"Help help I'm being repressed"
It's all just so depressing. Losing the last 100 journal entries...
The sad part is that I'm very backwards. Most of the other writers all have real blogs, and are much happier that way, with their freedom, and their working comments, and their own colour scheme. I on the other hand look at the blog I reluctantly started and feel very alone, and annoyed because it requires me to do more on the computer which is always a draining experience.
The filmmaker guy who did Desperados and that Mexico movie, Rodriguez or something?[Robert Rodriguez] Anyway, Cyler showed me some special feature thing where he talks and stuff. He said that technology frees you to be creative at the speed of thought.
I thought of this when Kari wrote about her garageband experience.
However I've always found that while yes, technology can give you efficiency and quality and artificial ability, it always requires a great deal of investment to buy, learn and use. Usually for me, it's never worth it in the end.
So Corey says I should just not worry about whether it's pretty and write. Because she gets so much out of reading where people are at. It actually sinks in and she prays for them.
Yet I'm so perpetually tired right now. I don't even want to, or even, I really shouldn't be taking time to write. I never have down time. It's so weird to read or hear about other people having it. It always reminds me of what it was like forever ago.
There is a magazine sitting on my floor in my room still in the plastic it arrived in last week. It will sit there another.
TV is a vague recollection.
I had friends come over on Wednesday to pray and none of them had seen the new floor that my Dad has been working on since... October, maybe longer?
Why? Because I always go out. The only thing I've ever invited people to since moving back home, last summer, was a CD release party that one person showed up for.
It was absolutely bizarre for people to come to my house.
Anyway, I'm always tired. And if for some rather unbelievable reason I'm not going out, I have a hundred things I have to work on at home - which is probably why I want to go out so much and avoid & procrastinate necessary evils like income taxes.
Notice too that even with going out every night, sometimes twice, I still feel like I'm neglecting a great many people.

So I'm looking forward to Ontario. Holidays. Vacation. Whatever you want to call it.
I'll probably sleep each night a good 7 hours or more. I'll probably go jogging, and read that magazine. I'll probably do lunch or dinner a dozen times with family I rarely see, and barely know, and still love.

A whole week. MMMMmmmm.

Oh and I also would like to endorse watching The Island now in addition to Serenity. Very different movies but I enjoyed them both.
I know I know, I couldn't keep you fooled long, complaining about no downtime and then telling you I watched a movie this week. Well it didn't feel like downtime. Maybe it's because I experienced life without a job and really liked it.

Which leads me to obscure ponderings. Such as whether I'll actually save up money to go to the Mediterranean for a year. Whether or not I'll actually get to be a musician - the cruise ship idea could face a challenge if a friend of mine hears from God the same thing I did.

I really wanted to call up people tonight and go out, again. But I'm dying and it's 7:30. I worked 8 hours today. It will help for not getting paid for 5 in Ontario. Maybe I'll clean the floors and go to sleep. And wake up tomorrow and face the disgusting task of income taxes until church time.
Or maybe I'll make myself a slushie.

I had a random thought the other day. It would be so cool if someone spontaneously bought me the Stabilo CD, or The Listening CD, or The Violet Burning's Drop Dead CD. That's the kind of thing parents do, or girlfriends do or best friends do, which is why it would have to be an unsuspecting person for it to be spontaneous I suppose. But it would be irrationally and exponentially joyous. It would be like having someone decide they wanted to hang out and pull apart my car door to find the loose wires and give me stereo sound again. I would never expect that either but it would be ridiculously nice and appreciated. So make sure you recognize all the fabulously nice people you know who do little things for you. My Mom made waffles for breakfast this morning. This included a trip to the store to get eggs since we need groceries but haven't the time to get them just yet. I'm pondering doing it tomorrow.
The homeowner for our current house brought us a pizza today. He's actually visited us every day bearing gifts. That's pretty much unheard of so you know. Usually you never even see the homeowner.
I'm a sucker for gifts. Especially good gifts, as opposed to christmas tree ornaments or coffee mugs, or a host of other things that really only prove that the person doesn't know you at all.
The Juliana Theory deserve thanks too. They released two songs they recorded back in the studio working on their Love album that never made it onto any CDs.
And RJ drove me back from the mechanic (I dropped off my car for an oil change that I didn't get, again, because I failed to notice the note saying they would be closed). RJ also loaned me all his snowboard gear so I could go with Chasey the other weekend.
Nathan bought pizza Thursday night and shared when we were looking through photo albums.
Jono gave me a glass of green wine, no not creme du menthe, yesterday for St. P's.
Jono's parents came home and gave us icecream cake.
I could go on and on and on and on and on but it's almost 8 now and most of these people won't even read this.
Goodnight.