Yes this is a Chumbawamba song. Not even a radio song; you know all two of them - Amnesia and Tubthumping (actually Michelle Robinson liked Amnesia in Grade 9 - am I a detail memory freak when it comes to girls or what?).
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
All my friends jumped ship
I elect me the captain
This is the loneliest voyage
I've ever been on
Up in the crow's nest -
Over there! I see land!
First mate? There is no first mate...
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
Sail away from the world
So steer a course
A course for nowhere
And drop the anchor
My little empire
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
I fly my very own flag
TV dinners for one
At the captain's table
Repel all boarders!
Draw the curtains tighter!
Where's the crew? There is no crew...
This is the Good Ship Lifestyle
Sail away from the world
So steer a course
A course for nowhere
And drop the anchor
My little empire
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere
So I got to Converge tonight in a highly pleasant mood. I'm actually very nearly finished my income taxes.
I had some excellent food for dinner. Chatted with some excellent people. Worshipped God with some excellent songs. Got to pray for Lisa. Then the talking began.
They went through the history of epic. Remember when? Yes I do. And I think that's where I started to go downhill.
Too many ugly things buried that started to remind me that they never changed, they were simply forgotten.
Then Chad got to talk, and he used a picture that sealed the storm that was starting. Jr. High.
Hello. I am Jr. High. If Jr. High means ackward. Here am I.
And I cried.
Later on the song I reprinted above came to mind as the closest thing to describe how I was feeling, I couldn't even remember the words but I knew what it was about.
It's because I started thinking about disappearing. How I could. It would make precious little difference for long to anyone else but me. Disappearing is absurd because I couldn't handle it. But I could do an excellent job of it.
Sure there would be my pesky family and RJ who would immediately notice and want to know what was wrong, but if I ran away RJ could just get depressed himself and what could my family do about it?
How many people call me? Almost no one. Almost never.
Nathan called me today. Cyler called me yesterday. Old friends. They might be in different places now and busy, but I still fit there somehow.
And epic?
The history of epic?
Ackward.
Lots of nice people.
And it doesn't help.
Ackward.
Forever ackward.
And I wasn't even thinking about anything specific. I couldn't. I was too tired. Just hints of off shoots and all of them hurt.
It's never left. Not in three and a half years.
Later Damien came up and asked if I wasn't alright. Which I wasn't but I didn't know how to even talk about it. I was going to go home and listen to the song and go to bed and wake up and forget about it again.
But I told him he could pray. I know prayer is good. I did after all make RJ be prayed over before leaving on Wednesday even though he felt crappy and didn't want it.
And God very quickly gave him very specific things to pray for. And I cried again.
Disconnection. Not fitting in. Being needed. Not being brushed aside. Hell, God even mentioned music. He brought up the verse about the different parts of the body, and I was... um I can't remember actually - basically I'm vital even if I don't have a noticable function.
Damien said I couldn't leave though. He needed me there. I even got a hug out of the deal. Not to mention I got to pray for him afterwards. I really like prayer.
So it ended pleasantly. Kind of like the conversation just now with my brother, who is cool and just got his eyebrow pierced.
3 comments:
Howdy.
Hey thanks for helping us with photos.. it really means alot, especially now that i know you don't really get alot of down time either. Hopefully it's been fun for you too and you aren't dreading wednesday?
Well it's good to know you remember us 'old friends' :) My life's been moving so fast i often catch myself daydreaming about what life used to be.. and now i am old. Atleast when it pertains to where i've come.
So don't wish for God to speak to your friend too quickly, or you'll soon find yourself even older than you feel right now!
No, i really am stoked, don't get me wrong! Old isn't scary.
I just haven't made a snow angel in who knows how long...
Anything i can do for you Nolan? I'm sorry i haven't poured into you for the past year as much as a friend usually should.
Yes I am really looking forward to Wednesday.
Yes it's true, before long I'll be 26...
Maybe I won't shave until then...
Actually while I may have considered that, I don't think so. A month is just fine.
Hello Nolan. It is I, your sister Faye. Nolan, I don't think it's possible for you to be a specific body part in the church- you're too random and kinetic to be squished into any one place. You're more like the blood in a body- you move around, visiting everyone, sometimes carrying health/sustenance to people, sometimes empty and carrying away nothing but toxins from other people. Almost all my friends knew who you were before they ever knew we were related and whenever I meet new people at the church I usually introduce myself as your sister, b/c the odds are so great that they've already met you or heard about you from someone else.
I guess my encouragement to you is that the other focus of our church meeting was that as a collective group, Epic seems to be "settling", or deepening. Even if you don't feel yourself doing the same yet, I believe it will yet come as the others in the church begin to have a bit more time to notice those of us who aren't settling down as well.
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