Phases I Haven't Mastered - Like Guitar Effects

So I'll get the guitar thing out of the way quickly because it's not the focus. Phaser is a guitar effect and it makes the sound go up (and down) in a wave pattern. Generally it's just for coolness - you know as opposed to most effects... Anyway, while I do have a phaser effect, I haven't played with it ever and thus it's useless to me. All of that without any significance other than that it can be representative of the, "not yet" in music for me.

The phases that have been more on my mind of late I'll attempt to describe but don't feel great confidence about doing so. I remember shifting. I remember shifting when I shot myself in the knee. I remember when the drugs wore off and I couldn't walk anymore. These were all shifts. Shifts of change. Shifts of imminent change. Change in the everyday. And I've discovered the everyday has massive influence.
So I've just finished a month of not framing. Not waking up in the morning to go make breakfast and lunch and have morning prayer. Driving to work, listening to music. Fighting my hate of being frozen and bored. Coming home to shower and chores and people.
Out of sight, out of mind. Everything but God. But that's because he's holding my right hand and never leaves me.

So the old ways and the questions disappeared, and were replaced.
I can see it because I wrote it and it haunted me: Occupied?
I was given a prophetic word early in the fall about becoming occupied with God. Exciting to be sure. A new level of being filled with the Spirit? A new level of closeness with Jesus as I give him more focus? I'd give you another one about God the Father but we'll get to that shortly and it will be better.
So on our house's whiteboard for messages I wrote out a list of to-dos because I rarely have messages to fill up the space. And there was a sickening amount of them. And in the middle with another colour I wrote a question.
And a funny thing happened in the last month. The to-dos melted away. And I have become increasingly occupied with my heavenly father (among other new awarenesses).
So I'm sitting now in a clean, organized bedroom. Cheers to RJ. I'll have to take pictures and send them to my parents so they'll know such things can happen.
And my new mission is to hang out with God everyday and let him be my Father. And I love the thought of that. Because in the last month, that's been wonderful.

But I tried to start the new phase on Thursday and failed. Oh sure, I'd been in bed on time the night before (complete with evening prayers). And I woke up early and ready to go. But when I got downstairs to hang out with God the changes all disappeared.
"Nolan Nolan, you are worried and distracted by many things."
How? They've been gone for weeks. I haven't even seen them again yet but they're all back. And they're stealing you away again! And it's worse now because all of the replacements are there now too!
And I ran out of time and went out to my car, and it didn't start.
And I went for a walk. It was minus twenty-seven or something similarly frigid. And I marched right into downtown asking for peace. For peace in this world I had returned to of confusion and stress. I stopped to look at beautiful murals - I'd never seen them before. I looked at the local arts poles stapled with events. I walked by my usual prayer recipient shops. I thought of a great many friends and prayed for them too. And eventually I returned to thaw out my nose and do work of another kind.

Friday I awoke again. And concerned that this morning prayer stuff was even more difficult than I first suspected, I decided to read the Martin Luther book on prayer Faye lent me. It was wonderful, magnificent, inspirational, insightful, and encouraging. Better yet, I finished A Simple Way To Pray in an hour. And since my throat was killing me and I felt poorly and I didn't need to go back to work before Monday, I returned to bed for a couple more hours.
Then I got to go along with Sherry and Andy to unload/sort food at JLYS. And I enjoyed every minute, well except for the blister, but it wasn't a huge deal, I just can't say it was enjoyable. I did a make-up dance class which felt great and then returned home to a delicious left-over supper of salmon and vegetables. I went out for a quiet hang-out time with friends which ended very loudly, in a bad way. So I went home and stayed up late until I had at least a hint of resolution.

Saturday came and I enjoyed a pleasantly unusual shopping excursion with the girls.

That last sentence leaves a lot to be clarified but that seems altogether too complicated to be possible.

The afternoon consisted of baking a cheesecake and two dozen muffins. This was exciting as cooking usually is with the combination of learning new things and running into snags and solving snags and getting annoyed and licking beaters and spatulas and shirts.
The evening came and I was listless but started reading another Graham Cooke book. Then it was off to the Drum & Monkey. This was fun. It was fun dancing with friends. It was fun not sitting but moving. It was fun letting music take focus.

And all of this, this felt like the last month. Relaxed. Time to do extra things. Time to walk somewhere instead of drive. Time to stop writing and bounce to a Jack Johnson song. Room in my head to think without something like a deadline dragging them all down. Painfully relaxed at points.

And today is Sunday. My boss flies back from Mexico today. And I will call him. And tomorrow will bring back that old phase. Only it's not the same. But it's scary.
So let the condemned eat a hearty meal, like cheesecake.
Let them give thanks well.
For our God gave us cheesecake, and was kind enough to shoot us in the knee.
And he's still holding our hand.