Can't vs Grace

Friday I freaked.  

I went to dance class after work happy that this week I didn't feel as empty and drained as the end of the week before.  With Christmas, there was almost no one in attendance so they combined our class with the Hip Hop styles class.   That class is 2 levels higher than ours...

So we started with the Hip Hop warm-up.  Wow, by the time we were done and were grabbing drinks I had to wrenchingly stop swallowing so as to avoid suffocating from lack of oxygen.  Then my teacher started us on a challenging combo.  We were moving at a fast clip but I was keeping up so long as I had someone to visually follow.  I finished feeling good.  It was difficult and quick but I had done it.  Now it was the Hip Hop teacher's turn.  She had the sudden brilliant inspiration to take her combo and add it onto the funk one rather than do it separately with her originally intended, and much slower, song.  It will be so much fun to do it this fast!  

So she starts showing us the moves.  So far so good, these are kind of fun and I'm catching on quick.  Now let's try with music.  Woah, sorry I must have blinked or something because I hadn't started and it was over.  Don't worry though, you'll get lots of practice since this is so fast.  Lots of practice not being able to be a dance instructor extraordinaire who finds moving like lightning without effort fun.  

I need to leave.  

Don't freak out Nolan.  Don't freak out Nolan.  Lots of times, difficult things get easier after you've moved onto more moves.  

So we move on, and again, I can do this just fine.  Until we switch to light-speed.  

So let's repeat a few times. 

And the rage is flying high and burning behind my eyes.  

I can't even attempt this.  Nothing close.

And I walk out before I start crying.  

And avoid that until just before I get into my car.  

The anger is so strong it's scary.

I drive home, avoiding the blinding urge to go through things in my path. 

And I get home and Jason and Megan are having a romantic dinner and the house is dark and silent and I go into my room considering how to vent this out.  

I could work out downstairs, no - they're downstairs - but I could just do push-ups here but that won't solve this.  I'll just get tired, and it won't do it this time.  

I could go for a run but that won't do it either.  

No the only thing I'm considering that has any appeal is smashing things, but I don't have anything to smash and I don't have an aluminum baseball bat.  

I'm supposed to call Sherry when I get home but that will need to hold on until I figure this out.  

A myriad of despondent thoughts are flying through my brain and afterwards when trying to describe it I came down to the word, "can't."

It wasn't that I expected myself to be able to dance at a level above my ability.  I think that got to me because for most of my life I haven't felt understood by my teachers, or lacked them outright, and desperately need them to learn.  So to have teachers expect the unreasonable was painful.  

It set off though, all the expectations I do have for myself that never get met.  And I tie those things to learning.  I'm not fast enough at work.  Why?  Because I don't remember so much of what I learn.  So even though I'm building a deck for the 2oth time, I'm still going as fast as if I'd only built one.  Still cautious, and taking time to figure things out that should be instinctive by now.  Still trying to invent a system for tasks when I should have one nailed down that I'm merely practicing at; pushing myself to take less time.  And you might say, oh but at least if you're cautious you won't make mistakes, but you will be incorrect.  While taking my sweet time, I still make dumb little mistakes.  I've been making these as long as I can remember.  Visualizing things wrong in my head.  And eventually I just feel stupid.  Why can't I do it right?  Growing up I felt smart.  I'm not sure why.  Probably because I didn't have any difficulties understanding the concepts I was taught.  They all made sense.  Sure, of course, thanks for telling me.  I wasn't some brainiac doing calculus for fun in my head, but I had consistently good grades.  I remember the little mistakes then too though.  There was always some slip up, keeping me from perfection.  It didn't matter if I looked over my work or not, it would make sense until it was shown wrong.  

And perhaps it's because I was so successful with my job at Can-Am.  Because I did work out a system and get fast, ridiculously fast, with highest quality and attention to detail, and bored.  I conquered every challenge set before me and every challenge I gave myself.  Same thing when I worked at Dairy Queen.  

Why can't I do it framing?  

Sure all the tons of mistakes I make are usually forgivable.  I'll notice them myself before they ever become an issue, but hey, no one's perfect - and I'm not even close.  Yet I continue to make costly ones, on a regular basis, right after the proper way was explained to me, and I understood it, and then I magically screw it up.  

And if I stop to think about whether I'm good at anything, such as in the middle of being really angry and freaking out, I can't.  I go through a list and I'm worthless.  And I try to think, it's not about what you do, that your value comes from.  But it's got to be connected in ways.  I'd like to think that I only fail at things if they're hobbies, part-time.  Perhaps I need to focus on something to get it right.  But I work long hours every day framing and that hasn't helped.  And if I'm so terrible at everything, what's even worth liking about me?  

And as I sat in my room crying that's what I asked God.  

And eventually I decided to try to find music to match my mood and my thoughts, because hey I would create some myself except that I don't have the talent or skills for that either.  

And so I collected songs and would start playing them rather unfocusedly because they weren't it, but just the loudness felt good, and sometimes just the music being good felt good.  

After an hour I had finally cooled off enough to now feel extraordinarily hungry and went out in search of food.  And chatted with Andrew for 5 minutes and started returning to normal.  

I called Sherry and talked awhile and after that apologized to Jason for loud music to interrupt his dinner but they hadn't heard it.  They invited me to watch a movie with them so I did.  

And it wasn't resolved but at least the mindset was hidden again.  

So I told RJ about it yesterday, and he tried to talk sense to me.  

He said I have a perfectionism that I've grown up with.  And I see the way things should go mentally but then when they don't it grates against me.  

Yes, yes, I do that all the time driving.  

But Nolan, every thing happens for a reason.  God could make you perfect if he wanted.  

Yes, yes, I've thought the same thing at work.  

So let me speak a word into your life.  Grace.  

Maybe give yourself the same grace you'd give someone else.  

No, no, you don't understand, I would have my expectations at work for someone else.  Most every day I think to myself, I would fire me if Calgary wasn't in such desperation for workers.  

I can't handle the weather, and I screw up all the time.  Framing's not the right fit for me at all.  Not that I can think of something that would be a good fit...

And also in my head are the words of Amy from Thursday reminding me of the significant truth that saying things out loud is powerful.  Blessings and curses.  Truths and lies.  Words create.  

That's partly why prayer is so important.  

And maybe I've doomed myself at work because I curse all the time.  Maybe I've made myself stupid.  It's not a new thought.  I've considered it before.  And I fight with it.  Grace isn't a new word either.  I tell myself the same thing at work.  But I lose.  Most of the time I'm sure I'm OK because I'm just not a high-stress person, and can't hold on to self-loathing and anger and all that for long.  But I'm not getting any better with maintaining peace over my frequent outbursts.  

But today before the service began I was considering this, and a truth came to me to speak out.  I can do all things through him who gives me life.  

Actually that might be wrong, I couldn't remember if it was life or strength or something totally different.  Here, maybe I should go check...

2 Corinthians 9:8 (Whole Chapter) 
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 

Mark 10:27 (Whole Chapter) 
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." 

Ephesians 4:15 (Whole Chapter) 
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

1 John 2:27 (Whole Chapter) 
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

OK so much for my scripture passage.  I couldn't find it anywhere...