I Used To Have Journals To Write This Down

I got more phone calls today than I usually get in two weeks.
Can I borrow your truck?
Tell Sherry there's a talent show from 9-10.
We're getting pizza, do you want any?
Can you bring me back my pressure washer?
Can I talk to Sherry about planning her a baby shower?
I wanted to let you know that we had a scare on the drive home. My heart started racing a couple of times. We almost went to the hospital but didn't. It gradually slowed down a little every half hour. My doctor left me a message to see him anyway so maybe my meds will get adjusted then. Don't worry her about it.

Then I read Faye's lament.

Things of sadness.
Little girl, there is a spider hanging from a thread outside. Grass and weeds grow in my yard despite being buried in mulch or construction debris or excavation mess. Your mother and I look at each other with deep love. I have dreams, and they're probably the wrong ones, and I'm not very good at completing them or paying for them, but I will tell you that eating ants is fun, and that even though there are people in this world who murder babies or worse, it is still a beautiful place, a place worth living in.

A Mostly Private Prayer Wall

Dear Jesus,

It's 10:00 PM but it might as well be 1 AM. I'm tired. My brain hasn't stopped working yet though. Epic had a leadership meeting yesterday night but I wasn't there. I did get emailed about it, however being a newborn father, it just didn't seem very important. But maybe it was, because now I'm sitting here writing instead of being in bed, waiting to change a diaper.

I asked Jason and Megan about it while they were BBQing their supper and it led only to more questions. It always goes that way.

Can I tell you about one of the questions? Jason asked, why Converge (as opposed to just house churches)? Megan had several reasons I've heard before but the one I thought was interesting (given that she doesn't even have children to make this sort of thing a duty) is that she wants children to learn and grow in their faith and do house churches focus on that?

Now perhaps that wasn't very important to Jason because he went to a large church where he may have felt lost in the crowd. For me, Megan's right. Church was a rich time for me growing up. Kids are very curious and idealistic and we had lots of questions to figure out together. We had really good teachers that stuck with us for a whole year or a few.

Thanks for those teachers and those kids and for feeding me so I could grow like my daughter is doing.

I'm still very curious and idealistic, and I want to know what our church should do.

Someone once prayed for me and told me that they saw a picture of a ship setting sail on an exploration voyage.

I once announced to a church a picture from a song that I couldn't shake while praying, about a ship lost at sea, not in crisis, but just floating.

That ship is still at least me.

Dear Amara Mia

Your Mom is sleeping, I just changed your diaper, and you are lying beside me on the love seat. You are wide awake and looking at me. I've got Bond's Shine album playing for you. They say upbeat classical music is smart for babies. I just felt like putting it on though. We're going to have BBQ Salmon for dinner soon but right now I wanted to write you your first letter. If I mailed it you might not receive it any time soon because Canada Post is on strike.

Sorry, you got upset and I couldn't fool you with my finger. You wanted Mom. When I finally relented and stood up to take you upstairs though, I started to dance. You became quite taken and so I continued. First you stared into my eyes, and I stared right back because yours are beautiful. Later you noticed something beyond me, something better, and I asked you if you could see Jesus. Then I remembered that he likes to dance to, so I had to keep going. Eventually you closed your eyes but still I danced a little more until I was tired. You are nine days old, and I have told you many times, I love you.

Shall I tell you a little about yourself? You are beautiful, and not all babies can claim such things so young. You like to move your arms - none of that swaddling you in tight stuff. You don't cry right away. You wait until we neglect to feed you too long, but don't worry, we don't do that. Sometimes you are fussy when we change your diaper but I think it's usually if you are cold or hungry. Sometimes you don't fuss at all for me. I like to ask you to help me put your clothes on. I get you to kick your legs into your sleeper legs. I get you to grab my finger to pull your hands through the sleeves. I have made up many improvised songs about things like you avoiding rhinos or chasing chickens up hills or climbing trees to talk to birds. My Dad gave me a Father's Day card when you had just been outside for three days and told me to sing you Ma Ma Ma Moo Cows. I have on a couple of occasions. You have only been out of the house twice. When you were a week old we took you to Mom's Principal's house for a staff BBQ. Everyone thought you were fantastic. You weren't fazed at all with being put in a car seat, and you fell asleep on the way home. Today we took you to visit your neighbours across the street. They too think you're great. You weren't super thrilled when your Mom and I gave you a bath yesterday, but I think it's because you got a little cold. You settled down as soon as you were wrapped up and dry. You didn't mind us washing your hair before that. We were surprised. You even liked getting your hair towelled dry. You inherited your Mom's cat-like tendencies.

Your Mom's parents drove out right away intent on seeing you first. They left before you even came out of Mom. They made it on time. Your Grandma watched you being born, and your Grandpa stayed in the vehicle and prayed. He didn't like to hear his daughter working so hard. Your Mom did an awesome job. She did work very hard and I cried a few times. Your grandparents stayed all week to spend time with you. They loved to hold you, and you kept smiling at them. I called my Dad to tell him about you three hours after you were born. He was thrilled and came right away to meet you before your Aunt's wedding. He took a picture and showed everyone at the wedding, including your Great Grandparents. They have called a couple of times and would love to see you too. My Dad came back on Father's Day and got to spend more time with you. He never stopped smiling. Your Mom made me a very delicious chocolate pie.

What else would you like to know? Your weight and length? I could never remember mine, but maybe that's because it wasn't part of a story. Yours was 7 lbs and 6 oz, and you were 21" long. Does that sound exciting, or just gibberish? Well how about a story then.

Your due date was Monday June 20, which is the day before the Summer Solstice. You picked a good due date in my opinion because I am pretty much solar-powered and that is the longest day of the year. The week beforehand, I was scheduled to work on a Ranch west of a little town called Nanton. My boss knew about your due date and wasn't sure I should go, because what if I had to leave to help your Mommy? I went anyway, and brought my phone, ready to bolt if the time came.

[You interrupted this story again and this time I did go let you drink, while I got supper ready]
Love, your Dad.