Sentimental Income Tax Break

Well so far the worst day of the year hasn't been so bad.  I slept in, had weird dreams, ate 3 bowls of cereal and listened to Travis (the band) while beginning sorting through my filing.  For quite a while it has mildly irked me that my filing drawer is ridiculously over-stuffed.  Today I started pulling out all kinds of files and folders that don't need to be kept anymore, such as my pay stubs from 1998.  Actually I had a strange reaction to throwing those away - just the look of the paper brought back smells and sounds; faces and feelings.  

And I pulled out the letters folder.  I think I stopped putting more in after awhile because it was so full, yet this morning/afternoon I decided to read through them...  

I always like a good dose of nostalgia so I don't even feel guilty about how much time has been spent without even highlighting gst values on receipts.  

I had most, if not all, of Natalie's notes and letters in there.  That was wild to read through.  It's incredible how much writing can capture a person or a time.  I've changed so much in the last seven years and it was stimulating to revisit the past.  

Wow, what a time high school was.  I was constantly tired and under pressure.  I remember begging my Mom on a weekly basis if I could take even a short holiday from life - maybe a month or so but preferably a semester and then come back again.  I was working part time, doing unending homework, hanging out with friends and dating.  Very intriguing to look back at her letters and gain so many clues about what my letters probably contained.  I was deeply introspective, philosophical, reflective - always digging, as opposed to Natalie's notes which were so fun and full of the moment, almost frantic with dreams that were probably fulfilled later but treated like they should happen now.  She along with so many others challenged and sharpened and enlivened me, and got me into lots of trouble I probably didn't mind.  

I just switched settings and songs on my itunes which reminded me of my newest trivial and daunting mission:  I want to rip all of my music with FLAC or some other lossless encoder (and detailedly categorize it all and develop advanced smart playlists), and collect lots of fun hits to be used for the wedding, and really I'm starving for new music but realize that I can't really afford the time or money to go searching for something I will really appreciate - not that I have time for that other trivial mission - and I have large doubts as to whether it will be fulfilled.  

OK back to something I want to write about:

I had several letters from Beth too which were cool but self-fulfilled with these words:

"Boys are only scary in that to invest in a guy is to risk a part of me.  Girls are essentially emotional and the sharing of anything emotional is to give a part of herself.  I feel confident with you because a lot of our talk is spiritual or intellectual, and because you've had a serious girlfriend in the course of our friendship and it didn't change too much.  But most friendships with guys will probably change or die as they get married and we drift apart, so whatever part of me I've given them will go.  And I'll have that much less to give the man I marry.  Maybe it'll mean very little to him, but what goes on within is vital to me."

I met Beth at a River Roots (may long weekend camp) in high school and kept in touch by letter for years (actually, it might have started as a swap emails or whatever and pray for someone, which is exactly what we did).  We had such surprisingly strikingly different views and beliefs and were always sparking debates, amidst relating personal happenings.  

There were various other letters from friends and family including a couple I absolutely treasured from Faye which I feel like publishing:

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.  Almost every time I go to pray for you I want to argue with God about your fast and tell him to make you stop.  But every time I am refuted.  I'm glad that you have this opportunity to suffer for a time.  That is the weirdest sounding thing to say and no doubt if anyone else ever reads this letter they'll think you came from a very sadistic family, but I am glad for you.  I'm glad that when it's over you'll always be able to look back and know that you chose God and that God is so worthy of that choice that you would do it all over again.  I'm that that, perhaps for the first time in your life, you're learning to wait silently, without doing anything - I'm glad you'll have that experience too, even if it was only possible because your body was too weak to do much else.  You have tried not to let too many people know that you are fasting because it is something between you and God alone and so I constantly remind myself that it isn't my place to tell anyone either.  But for the people who do know, your actions are having a profound impact.  I think of you as "the changeling" in my mind because as you passionately seek change in your self, you cause the people and systems around you to change as well.  It just seems to be a unique charisma God gifted you with.  I'm glad you use it for good instead of evil.  :)  I love you very much Nolan and I know God is going to bless you for your obedience to him in ways I will never be able to even imagine. "

The 'good instead of evil' reference made me laugh because I also read a letter from Steve which contained:

"Hopefully there'll be more interesting people in CompSci than in Engineering.  That that the friends I made in Engg weren't nice but they're so not Nolanish.  That don't have that Nolany characteristic about them  And you know what?  I even have to humble myself to you in this aspect.  I alone am not strong enough to turn one, the way you turned Trevor.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  You are the emperor and poor little Trevor was Anakin.  If anything, I'm like Vader minus the evil aspect of course.  But you see, Vader wasn't strong enough to turn Luke over to the dark side.  You are the king of corruption.  If only I had an infectious robot to spread sarcasm and immature child-like behaviour all over campus.  I would call it NolBot2002."

Another letter from Faye, written January 17th 2006 (the date is included because I want to go look for the referenced blog - not because I compulsively added dates and times to nearly all my letters):

"Dear Nolan,

Sorry this isn't a comment on your log - I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and I just can't be bothered to remember what my epic password is.  Probably something like "nopassword"...

Anyways, I wanted to tell you something about yourself:  You're still my hero (even though you don't make cool motorcycle noises while you proudly bike around without having to sit on your bike seat! anymore).

Two weeks ago at Epic on Sunday, I sat beside Jen at church.  She wouldn't come sit close beside me - she needed space to feel strong.  I wished I could think of something to offer her in her grief over the loss of her mom, but the only thing that kept coming to mind was a passage from Captivating by John Eldrige, "After my father died, for weeks and months afterwards, the only thing that comforted me, that could heal me, was beauty."  

I didn't know how to offer Jen beauty.  Then you started dancing and playing with Conner on St. Paul's blessed slippery sloped wooden floors.  I watched her watch you both.  Conner kicked your shoe at you and she laughed.  I asked if she wanted to move over so she could see better.  She did.  I offered her your beauty, the glory of God in your love of a child.  

Going further back, a couple weeks after my birthday party, Caroline came up to me at Epic and told me, "I just wanted to thank you for inviting me to your party, and for sharing your family.  I just love your family!  They're so open and welcoming; I totally felt free to just be myself."  She was referring to our whole family in general, but I believe you were a great proportion of that reference, given that the biggest highlight of the party for her was watching My Fair Lady, where only you and Sam and my friends were present.

People change the way they act around you, Nolan.  In my experience, there are only 2 types of people for whom others will bend themselves to emulate a better version of themselves: (1) An intimidating tyrant who either manipulates or scares others to put on a false exterior of "goodness" or (2) a vibrant and genuine person who simply inspires other people to put out/forth the best that is in them, for sheer delight.  This person heals people just be being present.  Our grandparents are such people, I've noticed.  Sindy is such a person.  And so are you.  

I might not have had that birthday party if it wasn't for you, badgering me to do what you knew I wanted to do but was afraid of and therefore avoiding.  I do a LOT of things with you that I would never dare do alone and many other things alone that  I wouldn't make myself do unless you told me otherwise or I thought you would tell me otherwise.  I don't try those things because I'm afraid you'll judge me or "show me up" (like a classic "scrappy" middle child) but because you are a source of safety to me.  I know that God would never do anything evil to his children and I know that God speaks through you, so if you ask/tell me to do something, I feel compelled to courage, to strength, to challenge, to adventure, to love to go.  To be like you, in order to be more like me.

Um, anyways, I'm starting to babble.  You were right:  I did want to look at the blog.  Love always, Faye"

and lastly (because these were all I found in the folder):

"Happy Valentine's Day Nolan!

Since you refuse to abandon God's leading to accumulate the ill-fated love of another Delilah, this will probably be the only mushy and sentimental love letter you'll receive this Valentine's.  Take that!  

I love you, Nolan and I'm so glad you're my crazy older brother about whom I regale friends with tales of lunacy and androgyny.  I'm so grateful for all the times you've been there to listen to me or to teach me things about life and faith through your open/honest stories of your own journey. 

I'm proud of you for listening to God, even if you don't always follow his directions immediately.  I hope you have funk music dance parties with God and friends from here to Ontario to the Mediterranean to Timbuktu.  Love always, Faye Archer"