American Thanksgiving will be celebrated shortly in our house and God I need to be thankful. When I stop to think about that and I fight against my selfish thoughts, I am thankful that I don't live outside. Who does live outside? Homeless people. You know, those people that a group from Epic feeds and hangs out with once a week. Why don't you do that Nolan? I dunno. Aren't there lots of other groups in Calgary that feed homeless people? Won't homeless people be offended if I go there to hang out with them and think to myself, "are you out of your minds? It's minus 40 out here at night! Doesn't living in Calgary's weather inspire you to do whatever it takes to get a job and go live indoors? I don't get it."
That was a conversation I had in my head driving home today.
A conversation in my head at work today went something like this:
I can't feel my fingers. I need my fingers. What time is it. It's only 3:30. I can't do this! It's taking me all day to build one little wall and I'm not done yet and I can't do it! Calm down Nolan. Jesus I need to quit. I can't do this. I can't work outside. What about missionaries who deal with head-hunting, wife-burning tribes, who are beaten and killed and scorned and thrown into prison and starving to death?
I suppose what you asked them to do isn't fun either. But I can't do this. I'm freaking out. I'm losing it. My fingers and toes are screaming and I can't do this.
[interlude of 5 seconds being interrupted with something and then being faced with the wall again]
Fuck winter! Fuck working outside in winter. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Jesus please let me quit. Please let me quit. I'm going to have to talk to Kyle but I have to talk to you first. Please let me quit.
So I hope you weren't picturing a menacing snarling Nolan just now but instead something resembling a response by someone with claustrophobia spelunking all day and by the end can't take it anymore because they're simply incapable of functioning anymore. If claustrophobic people are menacing and snarl then I guess I'll have to think up another comparison, but basically I wasn't very happy, until half way through the drive home after I was closer to being thawed out and listening to MxPx.
So um thanks for listening. Sorry for the profanity.
2 comments:
Hi Nolan. Sorry to hear it's not going well. I think of you and pray God will help you not get frostbitten and frustrated every time it gets cold b/c I know you hate freezing your fingers and toes off. Come over and drink some hot chocolate some time. In a big mug. With toasted marshmallows. And maybe a candycane, if you like peppermint. Basically, years of writing papers on subjects I don't care about has taught me that Chocolate and happy people are the solution for all sorts of unsolvable problems. Saturday(?) evening Vespers at the St. Vladimir Ukrainian Orthodox Church can be quite healing as well, actually.
"Tomorrow's Another Day"
I don't want to let my life fly by
Do you ever stop, stop to wonder why?
And time flies by
When everything is ok
It just turns out that life ain't that way
Big decisions overwhelm me and I know
nothing's free
When I don't think of, think about much
People die and we don't know why
I could use some understanding
Human contact, sign that contract
I don't want to let my life fly by
Did you ever stop to wonder why-ever stop to
wonder, wonder why?
And time stands still when no one understands you
When you don't quite understand yourself
But just know this that God is faithful
Even if you don't have faith yourself
There's nothing quite like being sure of
What's inside your heart
It's mostly simple but not so easy
To know just where to start
Today didn't have to be this way
Tomorrow is another day
Another chance to make things right
A chance to make sense of last night
A chance to fully live your life
I don't want to, I don't want to, you don't want to
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