Extracting to Examine the Empty

I felt the need to write earlier, although now, not as much, but still I shall.

Pulling apart the whole to connect pieces differently.

Blue Milk. This morning I opened the fridge and glanced in the door, some strange juice, rest of the fridge... no milk, second glance in the door, that is the milk... I then laugh out loud and exclaim, they're awesome, and then apologize to Jamie who walks around the corner since I realize I am being loud early in the morning. It turned my puffed wheat and sliced bananas blue too.

My Dentist appointment today went well. I have great teeth, however upon having some x-rays, just in case, there is decay going on and I need 4 fillings. So next week and 3 weeks later I get to come back. That wasn't the exciting part. I enjoyed asking about the Fluoride treatments and learning about them, because, I like learning things. The significant part though is that this was the last day for them in that office. I have been going there since I was four years old I'm sure. The receptionist knows and likes my whole family. It was her last day since she is retiring. The dentist will retire shortly after a brief transition period to his friend's practice. It was their last day, and I missed praying for them. I kind of said goodbye and stuff, and then she wished me luck, and I didn't even give them a God bless. Why not? So as I was driving away, I said sorry because I missed it, and then I prayed for them anyway.

Starry-Eyed-Surprise by Paul Oakenfold is a great song. I can picture being at Converge one evening and James let me listen to it on his mp3 player, and it was probably during a sermon or something downstairs, and I was leaning up against a wall, and grooving to the music. Because dancing is one good way to worship God. I found the CD super cheap in Seattle and it made its way to my stereo today. That song probably made its way to my stereo a couple of times, and I danced, rather enthusiastically in my seat. And I thought to myself, I really enjoy dancing while driving. And remember, dancing is one good way to worship God.

I didn't need to bring a shirt to work today. It was that warm the whole time. On the one hand I think, mmmm this is when it's hard to complain about my job. On the other hand it scares the hell out of me knowing that winter will return all too quickly.

90.3 FM is a great radio station. It is probably the first great radio station I have ever listened too. They have a big enough playlist that they don't feel the need to repeat songs 5 times a day, every day. In fact after listening to them for a week, I continue to hear songs I have never heard before, artists I have never heard before, and they're good songs. They also seem to play more music than other stations because I barely notice the commercials.

Matt Good was apparently diagnosed as having Bi-polar disorder. He has a new CD coming out this summer. A few weeks ago I became re-fixated with his Avalanche CD. It is a good album, although tragic. But it sparks ponderment.

I randomly thought of Jenn whilst driving home and called her up to see how she was doing. She was busy with a bingo but not busy enough to keep her from asking me how I was doing and what I was up to this weekend. She then recommended that I be a jerk and become less popular, and learn to say no to people. It sounded like Jesus.

He talked today too. During prayer tonight, people were taking turns praying, and Rebekah was praying for Jamie and prayed that he would never lose his imagination or dreams of what he really wanted. And I self-focusedly thought, what is in my imagination and dreams? And I thought of old things like prophesying to a million people. So I said, I want to do that God. Then I thought, no wait - I'm exhausted and drained right now - maybe not. Maybe I just want to be selfish and hear you talk to me for me. Maybe I just want to imagine us being really close friends. Maybe I should take more time to listen to you because I love it when you speak. Then I thought, why can't I listen right now while we're praying? So I stopped and listened. And I heard birds singing. And then I remembered that birds singing was a sign between me and God, and it's one of his ways of saying I love you. And I thought, aw, how sweet. Thanks. Then I prayed out loud thanking him and the bird stopped singing for 5 minutes, and I was mildly amused like it had just been for me, but after people started praying again the birds resumed singing.

I came home and avoided talking to people. I went straight for a cold shower. Then I avoided stewing and went straight for the kitchen because eating is a good way to stave off grumpiness. Then I got caught up in the fun of thanking people for blue milk and eating pizza that had been baked on wax paper. Lots of good things. But I knew I was still very drained. Empty. RJ knew something was wrong and asked, but I couldn't say what was wrong. I wasn't sure yet. And I don't like being down with other people. Because usually it will pause and wait or even go away around other people.

I wrote Sherry a super quick email today. Quick because I didn't have any time. But it irked me. Because I would rather have not been empty and came up with clever compliments. Instead I was honest and wrote, I am empty. Which I really didn't want to. Because who wants to write things and then not explain them.

I made myself a slushie. It was just going to be ice cubes and a frozen Five Alive, but Andy gave me a prickly pear present. It was nice. It was so hot in our house.

I am not good at relaxing. I operate in high gear all the time. I have a hundred things on my to-do list and a hundred more that I can't remember right now. I'm pretty good at ignoring those things because it's not healthy to be a workaholic, but I'm still not very relaxed because I know what needs to get done, and what I want to get done - because a lot of those things are also from the abundance of creative ideas I have. Andrea recently saw The Science Of Sleep and loved it. Finally someone gets me! She exclaimed. I really liked that movie too.

I do not take criticism well. I think it's because I am scarily self-critical. And I also criticize myself all the time from other people's point of view. So even if you aren't criticizing me. I've had you doing it in my head. And it builds up until if you do say something, even if it's small, it really hurts. It's not fair, and it's not healthy.

So my emptiness. Hmm, well it kind of feels as if I were in a garbage compactor. And normally that would be stressful as it closes in and the pressure mounts. But I'm too tired and spent to act very stressed, so I pretend I can't see any garbage, and then it doesn't need to be compacted. But it whispers.

I need to wake up at 5 and it's after 11. Half day tomorrow! Chasey's grad tomorrow! Pizza for breakfast and possibly a smoothie made in the furnace room tomorrow!

Time and Children

"This is what I have seen to be good: it is fitting to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of the life God gives us; for this is our lot. Likewise all to whom God gives wealth and possessions and whom he enables to enjoy them, and to accept their lot and find enjoyment in their toil - this is the gift of God. For they will scarcely brood over the days of their lives, because God keeps them occupied with the joy of their hearts."

"With many dreams come vanities and a multitude of words; but fear God."

"There is nothing better for mortals than to eat and drink, and find enjoyment in their toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God; for apart from him who can eat or who can have enjoyment?"

"Go, eat your bread with enjoyment, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has long ago approved what you do. Let your garments always be white; do not let oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that are given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might"

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

Time is key. There is always tension for time, and that is essential.

Andy wrote me a brief note saying hi to everyone from sunny Malta with Marty & Kari, and that he had been praying for me and Time kept coming up.
How appropriate since I had been praying about it that very day.
But I'm no smarter yet, except that prayer last night was precious and the times I quiet myself and listen and give God my focus are rewarding to say the least.
I'm off to Seattle, now as 4 instead of 2.
I had today off even though I didn't think the weather warranted it. I was however mysteriously bagged and still feel like it even though I went back to bed this morning for awhile.

Want to hear my half-conscious thoughts from lying in bed? Well you can't because I don't have my microphone or my computer set up to record, and I don't have a time machine to go back, and I wasn't talking out loud then anyway.

I think, after investigating new music again, that I still crave to hear music that fits me. And so I thought about how sad it is that The Juliana Theory is no more, but there is a time for everything, and then I thought about my prophetic words in California, and how I probably won't ever hear music that fits me until I create it, and then I thought about timing, and how I still don't have the drive to learn everything I need to in my spare time, and then I thought of JLYS and hanging out with the kids, and wondered if music might possibly hold their attention for ten minutes, obviously we would need to have actions, and then I thought, even if it couldn't (those kids are wild, and I'm well aware of the natural craziness of children), all things are possible with prayer, and it's pandemonium anyway, so why not a musical gong show for a little bit? Maybe it's time Ryan got his groove, and taught the kids how to dance (private joke because Ryan stoutly doubts his ability to ever dance). Maybe it's time the kids taught Ryan how to dance.
Kids are great though. Baharen asked me how old I was about 5 times (we played guessing games sometimes and he guessed 20, older, 61, younger, etc...) but by the end of the night he had memorized my age at 23, and Ryan's at 28. While for some reason I don't think Ryan is 28, that is what he said yes to when asked, so that's what Baharen memorized.
He also sat in my lap during story time (don't you dare picture a bunch of quiet kids sitting around listening, instead picture that likely zero of those kids caught any of the story, but did catch Kyler yell a cheer at the end and ask if the kids would love their siblings more now).
I gave piggy back rides during doctor dodgeball. I swung kids around in circles until their feet tingled and their shoulders almost popped. I NEEDED the water at snack time. I entertained 5 kids' attention at the same time including watching Ashley tap dance, without tapping shoes, but still being remarkably loud and frenetic with her heeled dress sandals and playing dodgeball (after dodgeball was over) with one boy who made me do jumping jacks if I got hit.

I know what you're thinking - that's why he's bagged this morning. Well, hmm, I don't believe that, but I don't have any other suggestions.

Go enjoy something.

oh and all the quotes were from Ecclesiastes.

Pinch Me

I went rock climbing with Ian on Saturday and upon hearing that I was dating Sherry he asked if I was saving up for a ring yet.
On Sunday while delivering fridges RJ commented from a discussion he'd had with someone else about how he was mentally preparing himself for me being married next summer.

And somehow it triggered something.

I remember driving to work at some point in the last two weeks. I can picture the road and the bend and the trees. When a random thought came along and hit me. God's given me an awesome gift. I am dating an incredible girl. And the thought wanted to turn around and run. As if it weren't allowed.
I wasn't sure what was going on in my head but I chased some notions.
The significant other thing is a big deal, for everyone. If you keep it at arm's length for a long time; if you resolve not to force it to happen, to go hunt it down; if you trust that God will bring it along in his good timing and choice, when he does, perhaps you don't know quite what to do with it. Perhaps you're to used to thanking God that he will bring her along, and you need to break the habit of using the word will.

Or perhaps you question whether you're allowed to say it's arrived. You don't want to jinx it by rejoicing too early. After all, I dated someone else for over a year before she decided she'd never loved me. Tragedies befall other people. Their hearts get broken. Who am I to assume I should escape such commonalities.

At such humbling 'looking down' moments I am so very glad of God. That he gives me counsel, and I trust him. Because when your brain finally grasps that what is to come, you are totally unprepared for, it's good to know someone who is, is holding your hand.

Good Listening

So yet again I received a comment on being a good listener today. First of all, I'm not half as good as I'd like to be. Second of all, I'm sure it stems from so many people being bad listeners, so my motivation could be all twisted. So when I receive related comments about not talking very much, it makes me think of how many times people only listen to what you're saying, waiting for something or some way they can interject. So I suppose waiting is all wrong in that last statement. They don't wait at all. They interrupt as fast as they can with their own story or opinion. But I guess you're lucky if you can find people who will do that. Lots of other people will not let you get any comments in and will hog all attention for as long as there's opportunity. Still more people will make you feel the worst by glazing their eyes when you get into your second sentence letting you know they couldn't care less about what you have to say, and depending on how loud they're feeling, they will either walk away and leave you to cry, or pretend you don't exist and start talking over top of you.

All this to say, that if I'm a good listener occasionally, and I will let you talk on and on and listen to all you have to say, what will God do? He'll probably do something similar if he's not angry with you, which is why I don't hear him as much as I could; it's hard for me to shut up while praying. As for that angry thing, well I just read the first half of Ezekiel out loud today (no I'm not super Bible boy, Jason asked me to in support of a group of international intercessory people who are reading the Bible in a week as a group - then on Wednesday they're reading it in an hour), and sometimes when people come to consult the prophet to inquire of God, God asks intimidating questions. Questions like, "will I answer to them when they have brought idols into their hearts?" Then he has a couple of answers to his own questions. Sometimes he says no I will not. Other times he says yes I've got something to say - Repent!

Musical Lures, 'Hobbies', and a Kit Kat moment

http://www.tweakheadz.com

The itch, oh the itch.

Last week Nicoletta asked me what I do when I'm not working. I thought about it, and I say, "yes." People call me up or I run into them, and they ask me questions. The answer is always yes. Can you help me with? Want to go here? Those sorts of questions. And I know a lot of people. Hence I am never without a supply of questions that I can say yes to. The outcome is a relatively unscheduled life that is always busy. So basically, work, then chores/responsibilities, then yes dictate my time. Actually chores/responsibilities often falls after yes. I don't know if a lot of people's lives look like this or not. But mine has been this way a long time, and I don't know if I could change it.

Today I got to Wicked Gravity to buy climbing shoes and there was an out to lunch be back at 1:30 note. How refreshing to see such a note! Those kinds of things can still happen in Bowness. So what should I do with my unexpected 30 minutes? I will go for a walk in the direction of that hill over there and talk to God about my Monday Doom & Gloom discussion. So I prayed and asked him to bring to mind the things that have bothered me about the house in the last year. I really enjoyed the walk, the greenness, the houses I passed, the peace, God speaking. It was a nice 30 minute break. So close shop today and make someone's day.

Ministry of Holding One's Tongue

Heart filling with hate, then renewed, filled again with God's love

OK, so normally (forget normal - my previous intentions were) I should be jetting to bed, but I felt God reminding me of establishing things through writing, so I'm going to try and get some of the last two days down here.

Yesterday, Tuesday was a bad day. I'm not quite sure why, the weather was nice enough, I got to listen to Peter & The Wolf on the classical station at work (my personal highlight), nothing was wrong. However I felt bombarded with negative thoughts. I hated myself. I'm a terrible framer. I would fire me if I was on the flip side for spacing out and taking too long and still making dumb mistakes on a frequent basis. Mosquitoes are evil and alive. Driving was an exercize in anger. Thinking about the house and the um, I was getting depressed and bleak too. Upon arriving home, I let a note on the board irk me, and I angrily set about doing dishes. All this time I was fighting it. I knew it was bad and wrong and that I needed a whole lot of opposite. I keep listening to Avalanche by Matt Good, and I have a lot of appreciation for that album, I don't think I used to. It's very good though his happiness is still a tragic sort.
There were good thoughts in there too. For instance I thought about house dinners and how I miss them being better attended, and more organized. But then I thought, even if it's only RJ around, they're still worthwhile.
Anyway, I stayed on target thanks to the help of some friends and went to bed at 9. Yes, nine. Unimaginable to be sure, which is why when I woke up the first time, perhaps at 1:30 AM or so, I thought it was time to get up. Thankfully it was not.
OK I need to speed along this process. RJ snoring crazy. Dreams. Wake up again. Turn on vapourizer. Dream some more. Get up. Breakfast/morning stuff alone, weird, since Pam was not around. Had a Delirious song stuck in my head and eagerly grabbed some of their CDs for driving. Dropped off RJ. Enjoyed King or Cripple. Prayed. Prayed that God would renew my mind. Recognized that Tuesday was a spiritual attack of sorts, that I've felt that before and that I have to press in with thanksgiving and that other people were facing the same thing.
Today was good. Maybe some of that can be attributed to extra sleep and having bug spray. But I was still tired and sick as far as the extra sleep goes. And I still hate mosquitoes. Maybe I was looking forward to JLYS. But no, it was more than that. Much more. It was God renewing my mind. Which was good. So while previously I was thinking about asking the house for prayer. By the time I talked to Kirk, I was ready to pray. Yes I talked to Kirk and fancy that but he was dealing with a few similar symptoms. So after JLYS, which I thoroughly enjoyed, we came back, had some blackberry gelotti(sp?) (yes this is the 5th day of cheating on my no desert month) and prayed. I started listening while Pam showed off her hat to Andrea, and had a few things already when Kirk started praying. I always enjoy when he prays. Today was no exception. And now, this is important. This is why I wanted to write in the first place. What did I pray? Because God led me through things. The prayer was alive.
I prayed that he would have discernment. That he would recognize the things of God and the things that are not, but most importantly that God would give him supernatural wisdom to understand the things that are both, because they're mysterious and require divine understanding.
I prayed that the words of Christ would rule in his heart and that the peace that comes from Christ would guide him. That as he looks at the different activities and pieces of his life, that Jesus would share his thoughts and opinions on the matter. That God would teach Kirk to recognize that peace, so he doesn't confuse it with himself settling on a matter for awhile.
I prayed for protection. Faith will be needed in every battle. Not how much, in whom. Which always connects me to the helmet of salvation. Jesus is our salvation. The helmet is for our head. I thanked God that he is the head of the relationship. The scripture out of Ephesians 5 was at play in my spirit. He is the leader, the organizer, the instigator, the visionary. The father, the husband, looking after his family and friends.

I prayed about the UM and the house. Right off the bat God reminded me that they were his ideas. Oh yes, I remember the vision/thing in Brighton for the house. I remember his work and smiles revealing his involvement behind the UM itself.
Ah, what a relief. He will see them through. He will be creative.
I prayed that we would be attentive to what he has to say, and obedient. John 17 came back again. Jesus' prayers for us. That the world would recognize him because of our love for one another. That we would be as close and tight, as to be compared with the trinity. That we would be that close to God.

Kirk prayed a great many good things too. We'll see if he remembers them and/or writes them down.
I however need to go brush my teeth and go to sleep. I finished Andrea's bookshelf today. Hooray.
RJ had a vision and journaled it down and shared it with us. It was encouraging and comforting to me. My favourite part was when he talked about Jesus opening his eyes again and they had love in them that came out.
You have wonderful eyes. And you look at me.
How could I not love you when you do that?

Fleur Pour Mercredi (read: No Andy, I don't have tongues yet, just pictures)

Today I woke up and got into my car, and spent a long time inside it. Yes, I always wondered what it would be like to be a professional courier, and today my curiousity was satiated. Actually I'm not sure I really wondered too much about that, but if I had, now I would know. I worked from about 9 AM to about 8:30 PM, and made 25 deliveries, one of those deliveries I got to do twice, and I got to do a phantom delivery too. I ran into the glitches of addresses not existing, and condo maze madness, and flower pot water leaking all over my car. All in all it was a good day though. I mean basically I cooked in my car all day with lots of pretty smells, and making women happy, except when I had to deliver flowers to neighbours since the recipient wasn't home and then they got their hopes up and dashed. I listened to the CD Sherry made me twice, and several other CDs. I ate a donair. I ripped open my injured finger on my seat belt and got to buy band-aids in a near by gas station while sucking on the blood spurting finger. I pondered things and called people a bunch arranging art project production, and hang out time, and an impromptu birthday party. I drank two slurpees. I got very angry and frustrated and impatient, and then had to cool down and pray and thank and praise, and then go back to being frustrated again, etc. Which is why my art project will be so personal. Four letters embossed underneath duct tape covering my mouth. That piece will get done tomorrow. The other two I did tonight. I got Trevor and Melissa to model for my Biting My Tongue exhibit, and Nathan and Jono modeled for the hot gossip shots.

I got to see a rough edit for half of Nathan's short film that he did a little while ago. He wants me to do the music for it too. Which is one of my goals for the next 6 weeks. I have oodles of projects for the next 6 weeks. Some of them are tied to why I have 6 weeks to work on projects, so I won't talk about them, but others include, getting sleep (so far no good), strengthening my knee more (yes my exercize bike is finally ready), writing & recording music, lectio divinas, getting a hair cut, going to Seattle with RJ, rock climbing, hiking, biking, camping, probably working long hours, rule of life building, hanging out with friends and family, eating more grapefruits, JLYSing, singing, writing, cleaning my room and filing, fasting, reading.

So most of those really aren't projects, but I'm tired, and I need to wake up in time to go do a photo shoot before I head up to party with my grandma on her 80th.