I felt the need to write earlier, although now, not as much, but still I shall.
Pulling apart the whole to connect pieces differently.
Blue Milk. This morning I opened the fridge and glanced in the door, some strange juice, rest of the fridge... no milk, second glance in the door, that is the milk... I then laugh out loud and exclaim, they're awesome, and then apologize to Jamie who walks around the corner since I realize I am being loud early in the morning. It turned my puffed wheat and sliced bananas blue too.
My Dentist appointment today went well. I have great teeth, however upon having some x-rays, just in case, there is decay going on and I need 4 fillings. So next week and 3 weeks later I get to come back. That wasn't the exciting part. I enjoyed asking about the Fluoride treatments and learning about them, because, I like learning things. The significant part though is that this was the last day for them in that office. I have been going there since I was four years old I'm sure. The receptionist knows and likes my whole family. It was her last day since she is retiring. The dentist will retire shortly after a brief transition period to his friend's practice. It was their last day, and I missed praying for them. I kind of said goodbye and stuff, and then she wished me luck, and I didn't even give them a God bless. Why not? So as I was driving away, I said sorry because I missed it, and then I prayed for them anyway.
Starry-Eyed-Surprise by Paul Oakenfold is a great song. I can picture being at Converge one evening and James let me listen to it on his mp3 player, and it was probably during a sermon or something downstairs, and I was leaning up against a wall, and grooving to the music. Because dancing is one good way to worship God. I found the CD super cheap in Seattle and it made its way to my stereo today. That song probably made its way to my stereo a couple of times, and I danced, rather enthusiastically in my seat. And I thought to myself, I really enjoy dancing while driving. And remember, dancing is one good way to worship God.
I didn't need to bring a shirt to work today. It was that warm the whole time. On the one hand I think, mmmm this is when it's hard to complain about my job. On the other hand it scares the hell out of me knowing that winter will return all too quickly.
90.3 FM is a great radio station. It is probably the first great radio station I have ever listened too. They have a big enough playlist that they don't feel the need to repeat songs 5 times a day, every day. In fact after listening to them for a week, I continue to hear songs I have never heard before, artists I have never heard before, and they're good songs. They also seem to play more music than other stations because I barely notice the commercials.
Matt Good was apparently diagnosed as having Bi-polar disorder. He has a new CD coming out this summer. A few weeks ago I became re-fixated with his Avalanche CD. It is a good album, although tragic. But it sparks ponderment.
I randomly thought of Jenn whilst driving home and called her up to see how she was doing. She was busy with a bingo but not busy enough to keep her from asking me how I was doing and what I was up to this weekend. She then recommended that I be a jerk and become less popular, and learn to say no to people. It sounded like Jesus.
He talked today too. During prayer tonight, people were taking turns praying, and Rebekah was praying for Jamie and prayed that he would never lose his imagination or dreams of what he really wanted. And I self-focusedly thought, what is in my imagination and dreams? And I thought of old things like prophesying to a million people. So I said, I want to do that God. Then I thought, no wait - I'm exhausted and drained right now - maybe not. Maybe I just want to be selfish and hear you talk to me for me. Maybe I just want to imagine us being really close friends. Maybe I should take more time to listen to you because I love it when you speak. Then I thought, why can't I listen right now while we're praying? So I stopped and listened. And I heard birds singing. And then I remembered that birds singing was a sign between me and God, and it's one of his ways of saying I love you. And I thought, aw, how sweet. Thanks. Then I prayed out loud thanking him and the bird stopped singing for 5 minutes, and I was mildly amused like it had just been for me, but after people started praying again the birds resumed singing.
I came home and avoided talking to people. I went straight for a cold shower. Then I avoided stewing and went straight for the kitchen because eating is a good way to stave off grumpiness. Then I got caught up in the fun of thanking people for blue milk and eating pizza that had been baked on wax paper. Lots of good things. But I knew I was still very drained. Empty. RJ knew something was wrong and asked, but I couldn't say what was wrong. I wasn't sure yet. And I don't like being down with other people. Because usually it will pause and wait or even go away around other people.
I wrote Sherry a super quick email today. Quick because I didn't have any time. But it irked me. Because I would rather have not been empty and came up with clever compliments. Instead I was honest and wrote, I am empty. Which I really didn't want to. Because who wants to write things and then not explain them.
I made myself a slushie. It was just going to be ice cubes and a frozen Five Alive, but Andy gave me a prickly pear present. It was nice. It was so hot in our house.
I am not good at relaxing. I operate in high gear all the time. I have a hundred things on my to-do list and a hundred more that I can't remember right now. I'm pretty good at ignoring those things because it's not healthy to be a workaholic, but I'm still not very relaxed because I know what needs to get done, and what I want to get done - because a lot of those things are also from the abundance of creative ideas I have. Andrea recently saw The Science Of Sleep and loved it. Finally someone gets me! She exclaimed. I really liked that movie too.
I do not take criticism well. I think it's because I am scarily self-critical. And I also criticize myself all the time from other people's point of view. So even if you aren't criticizing me. I've had you doing it in my head. And it builds up until if you do say something, even if it's small, it really hurts. It's not fair, and it's not healthy.
So my emptiness. Hmm, well it kind of feels as if I were in a garbage compactor. And normally that would be stressful as it closes in and the pressure mounts. But I'm too tired and spent to act very stressed, so I pretend I can't see any garbage, and then it doesn't need to be compacted. But it whispers.
I need to wake up at 5 and it's after 11. Half day tomorrow! Chasey's grad tomorrow! Pizza for breakfast and possibly a smoothie made in the furnace room tomorrow!
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