So I'm still avoiding income taxes. Nasty icky repulsive income taxes. It's funny that they remind me of Joe. Only because I recall he wasn't enjoying doing his income taxes the last time I wasn't. So I've thrown a lot of junk in recycling so far tonight - the 3 weeks of recycling that's piled up from 2 weeks of forgetfulness plus a holiday. I've showered, eaten dinner. I still have to do my physio exercizes (I got new ones today - at my appointment at 6:30 AM - which means I woke up at 5 and am therefore tired and unmotivated right now). The Forever Changed album by the way was good. I'd give it 3 1/2 stars out of 5. I started listening to the Pivitplex album again today too. I suspect it will be a 'rich' album. Cool Hand Luke's new material is premium. Their old material is amusing (who would have guessed they were originally punk-metal?) Singing on breaks at work is fun. I really enjoy the song I wrote. I can't wait to get back from California and put some serious effort into it. I got Axe Deodorant today. Not for any extra wooing assistance, but because it was on sale and Old Spice wasn't. Although Old Spice shower gel was, and I got some new scent that was grandish.
Yesterday was fun. After dinner, Andy said he had something to say, and it was sitting in his chest but he didn't know how to get it out. So I told him to talk without stopping for 3 minutes. So he did. It came out. Then we turned it into a game. The more random train of thought kind usually done in writing. So he started, but since he was focusing on commentary for what he was seeing, I made him close his eyes. It was fun because later on he wanted to pray, so I told him to pray for Sindy's interview because it was a phone interview and she would be talking to people she couldn't see which Andy should know a thing or two about right then. So he did, and it was great. There was much fooling around going on too - such as fingers being held in front of his nose and rubbing his leg under the table - since he was being honest, it bothered him. Then Sherry did it and I finished since Kevin and Pam wouldn't. Although Pam interrupted mine to be participatory. I apparently was the most random, but who would have guessed that? It was fun when Andy stuck a banana in my mouth while I was talking and then I almost chomped off his fingers and then I started talking funny with the banana in my mouth.
So if you're bored, now you know.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Splotches
So I bought a few CDs for my upcoming road trip and so far I'm not impressed. Cool Hand Luke's Balancing Act is a historical documentary greatest hits sort of album, which is not nearly as good as a new album. Dead Poetic's Vices album is very unsatisfying and I should never have randomly listened to track 8 (which is good) to decide to buy it. Anberlin's new one doesn't grab me either.
I got Jonezetta's Popularity earlier and it is rather blase too. So that leaves Forever Changed's Chapters album, which won't be stellar, but could be good.
There's still hope for the year. Mae, The Myriad, Relient K and Project 86 all have upcoming albums.
I leave for California on Saturday and I'm not ready. Surprised? Who are you? My car needs some work, the route isn't planned, we don't know where we're staying. More pressing is that my income tax needs to be done before I leave since it's due on the 15th. I hate doing income taxes.
The birthday present was a hit, coconut lime from RJ is subconsciously taking its toll, and the song is slowly taking shape. So what can I say except that I'm in love, hopeful, and patient. And every time she smiles life gets better.
Prayer prayer prayer. Trixy as ever. Andy and I prayed for Ang Friday night before we left, and in some ways it felt like we failed. In other ways I don't bother analyzing it and focus more on persevering in praying the same thing over and over. I've been praying the, "Jesus prayer," a lot lately (popular apparently among Orthodox Russia).
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner.
It's a strange prayer for me to repeat. I never think of myself as a sinner. I rarely ask Jesus for mercy. And I hardly pray for myself. But I was told a long time ago to look to the Fathers in faith. The old people who got smart at some point. And it reminds me of Shay who repeats Je-sus over and over and over again regaining a vision of God on his throne.
God continues to answer prayers and I like thanking him for them, though I seem not to consider them very much. Pray about everything and say thanks when he comes through. But the regularity of it seems to fade how special it is.
Hearing God. Sometimes it's so subtle and normal and it's all wrong. It should be lit up the way another voice I can think of is. That voice is music. I could hear the slightest hint of it and my mind perks up. But God is sneaky. Driving home from Sundre, I felt the very strong need to pray. It wasn't surprising. Whenever I listen to people and there are big issues, especially ones dealing with other people, and they really want to do something about it, and they're frustrated - my natural instinct is to pray. Because I can't solve it. Listening is really good for me that way. When you listen to people, you end up hearing about a lot of things that can't be solved. I can't offer them a brilliant idea that will change everything. I can't give them what they need. On que, my mind connects to Jesus. Pray pray pray. He changes hearts. He gives gifts. He comforts. He's pretty great.
So I suggest we pray. And there's all kinds of stuff rolling around inside me and I don't know how to start. So she does. A few things directly hit things I want to pray. So I throw a few agreeable comments in like, "yep." But as she's praying for her family, I know what's coming up for her youngest brother. It's strong and its big and I'm not sure how to pray it, but she gets to him and prays it, and I laughed out loud - a rather strange laugh, more of a big release like something God put inside there shooting off. And at the end I start to pray because there's more. And something strange comes out of nowhere but it's right and I fumble around with words to get it out.
Several times during this, I laughed to myself because I thought it would be so much simpler just to, "pray in the spirit," and babel in some gibberish language, because the burden was obviously deeper than my mind could comprehend or sort out neatly. But I've never been given that gift. But what does Paul say? Pray in the spirit and with your mind. So fine, I'll be obedient and pray, the only way I've got so far, and find solace in the knowledge that God knows what he's doing. And I like him. So what if it's gangly. I'll never be very good at being pr-pr-pr-pr-professional!
I got Jonezetta's Popularity earlier and it is rather blase too. So that leaves Forever Changed's Chapters album, which won't be stellar, but could be good.
There's still hope for the year. Mae, The Myriad, Relient K and Project 86 all have upcoming albums.
I leave for California on Saturday and I'm not ready. Surprised? Who are you? My car needs some work, the route isn't planned, we don't know where we're staying. More pressing is that my income tax needs to be done before I leave since it's due on the 15th. I hate doing income taxes.
The birthday present was a hit, coconut lime from RJ is subconsciously taking its toll, and the song is slowly taking shape. So what can I say except that I'm in love, hopeful, and patient. And every time she smiles life gets better.
Prayer prayer prayer. Trixy as ever. Andy and I prayed for Ang Friday night before we left, and in some ways it felt like we failed. In other ways I don't bother analyzing it and focus more on persevering in praying the same thing over and over. I've been praying the, "Jesus prayer," a lot lately (popular apparently among Orthodox Russia).
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner.
It's a strange prayer for me to repeat. I never think of myself as a sinner. I rarely ask Jesus for mercy. And I hardly pray for myself. But I was told a long time ago to look to the Fathers in faith. The old people who got smart at some point. And it reminds me of Shay who repeats Je-sus over and over and over again regaining a vision of God on his throne.
God continues to answer prayers and I like thanking him for them, though I seem not to consider them very much. Pray about everything and say thanks when he comes through. But the regularity of it seems to fade how special it is.
Hearing God. Sometimes it's so subtle and normal and it's all wrong. It should be lit up the way another voice I can think of is. That voice is music. I could hear the slightest hint of it and my mind perks up. But God is sneaky. Driving home from Sundre, I felt the very strong need to pray. It wasn't surprising. Whenever I listen to people and there are big issues, especially ones dealing with other people, and they really want to do something about it, and they're frustrated - my natural instinct is to pray. Because I can't solve it. Listening is really good for me that way. When you listen to people, you end up hearing about a lot of things that can't be solved. I can't offer them a brilliant idea that will change everything. I can't give them what they need. On que, my mind connects to Jesus. Pray pray pray. He changes hearts. He gives gifts. He comforts. He's pretty great.
So I suggest we pray. And there's all kinds of stuff rolling around inside me and I don't know how to start. So she does. A few things directly hit things I want to pray. So I throw a few agreeable comments in like, "yep." But as she's praying for her family, I know what's coming up for her youngest brother. It's strong and its big and I'm not sure how to pray it, but she gets to him and prays it, and I laughed out loud - a rather strange laugh, more of a big release like something God put inside there shooting off. And at the end I start to pray because there's more. And something strange comes out of nowhere but it's right and I fumble around with words to get it out.
Several times during this, I laughed to myself because I thought it would be so much simpler just to, "pray in the spirit," and babel in some gibberish language, because the burden was obviously deeper than my mind could comprehend or sort out neatly. But I've never been given that gift. But what does Paul say? Pray in the spirit and with your mind. So fine, I'll be obedient and pray, the only way I've got so far, and find solace in the knowledge that God knows what he's doing. And I like him. So what if it's gangly. I'll never be very good at being pr-pr-pr-pr-professional!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Last last Thursday
I was having a conversation with some friends and they kept asking me questions. At first they tried to guise them as general questions, but we all knew they were direct.
And so I tried to feed them some safe answers. At one point I laughed, because I'd thought of a clever one, but it really wasn't true. They asked me what I was laughing about so I told them. They asked me why I would think of something if it wasn't real. Because it was entertaining of course. But we don't want entertainment, we want the truth. So one said, so one got - later [see post below].
And the response (as expected) was, "I don't know what to do with this."
The whole thing seemed so very close to what it must be like for God with me. I'm always asking him questions, and sometimes he gives me entertaining answers. And I always smile and laugh at them. I don't worry too much about getting answers quickly or getting all-encompassing ones. Because the truth is much bigger than even what I suspect. And I can't handle all of it. So instead he gives me introductions, and then I take time to process. And he takes opportunities to demonstrate.
And I really enjoyed discovering new physical sensations last last Friday [also see post below]. As I tried to remember experiencing anything similar or close, I thought of some really special moments with God. Which made me happy, because it made me think, you were definitely there this time too, and I love you lots.
So why post about it now and not last last?
Well because if an answer matches what eyes can do, have I got some wooing tips for you.
Basically you should throw things at someone you love. Now success may or may not be key with this phase, but my uncharacteristically great accuracy that day leads me to suspect so. So basically you should hit them. Or push them. Because pushing people down helps to make sure they will fall. And that's the goal isn't it?
Now if you would like to follow suit, and you're interested in controlling variables, I suppose in fairness, you should also include watching romantic movies with them before grabbing their hand to express your love. And you should send them flowers. And you should make them a kick-ass card (with collaborative help and creative genius from your sister). You might also try getting them a great birthday present, a few weeks late, but mum's the word on birthday presents because they don't know about it yet...
Oh and in more fairness, I guess you have to throw snow, and not for example pears.
And so I tried to feed them some safe answers. At one point I laughed, because I'd thought of a clever one, but it really wasn't true. They asked me what I was laughing about so I told them. They asked me why I would think of something if it wasn't real. Because it was entertaining of course. But we don't want entertainment, we want the truth. So one said, so one got - later [see post below].
And the response (as expected) was, "I don't know what to do with this."
The whole thing seemed so very close to what it must be like for God with me. I'm always asking him questions, and sometimes he gives me entertaining answers. And I always smile and laugh at them. I don't worry too much about getting answers quickly or getting all-encompassing ones. Because the truth is much bigger than even what I suspect. And I can't handle all of it. So instead he gives me introductions, and then I take time to process. And he takes opportunities to demonstrate.
And I really enjoyed discovering new physical sensations last last Friday [also see post below]. As I tried to remember experiencing anything similar or close, I thought of some really special moments with God. Which made me happy, because it made me think, you were definitely there this time too, and I love you lots.
So why post about it now and not last last?
Well because if an answer matches what eyes can do, have I got some wooing tips for you.
Basically you should throw things at someone you love. Now success may or may not be key with this phase, but my uncharacteristically great accuracy that day leads me to suspect so. So basically you should hit them. Or push them. Because pushing people down helps to make sure they will fall. And that's the goal isn't it?
Now if you would like to follow suit, and you're interested in controlling variables, I suppose in fairness, you should also include watching romantic movies with them before grabbing their hand to express your love. And you should send them flowers. And you should make them a kick-ass card (with collaborative help and creative genius from your sister). You might also try getting them a great birthday present, a few weeks late, but mum's the word on birthday presents because they don't know about it yet...
Oh and in more fairness, I guess you have to throw snow, and not for example pears.
What Do You Want?
Images unique are printed in my mind.
Your face always beautiful unlike another kind.
Bunnies' hearts bounce too, right into their throat.
Wait an hour before, it comes back down to float.
Check my breathing, yes it's still there.
Which is weird since my lungs are pumping liquid 'stead of air.
There is blood pulsing underneath my cheeks,
my nose, my eyes, my forehead, everything but my teeth.
Say something.
Let me try.
It's framed a question and for a moment I don't know why.
But the whole thing's an inquiry.
Only I've made up my mind.
I had to, it was second in line.
Take your time.
Take all of what you need.
I had 30 months to ponder,
60 days resolve.
Until I took your fingers,
And watched if they would leave.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
My Name Is Caleb
So today was incredible. I hung out with Shay for almost all of it, minus, um eating breakfast. We went for a walk through my favourite path close to the house. We came back in time to see Paul & Corey for a little bit. I made some alternative chai. We sat in front of a fire and chatted some more - this time about some things that God has told him that he's been practicing for the last number of years and how that's looked. Then I talked about some of mine, and finally the house and the UM. Then we prayed! Hooray! Lots and lots of truth came out during this whole thing and there's no way I have time to get it all down here. So I'll stop and pray about that, Jesus I ask that you would preserve your truth in my spirit and mind. Don't let it be snatched away or forgotten. But I'll say this as a finale for that portion of the day:
My Name Is Caleb
I Will Love Those Whom The Lord Has Given Me
Touch
Intercession
Those sound like 'words' or something but don't be fooled. They're just summative reminders for me.
James came over which was good all on its own. Then Shay cleaned my bathroom and I helped and off we went to Southside Victory for the final evening in a week long teaching conference. This was great. Charlie taught and he's a cool guy. Lots more truth through this part of the evening. This was finalized by prayer over everyone and I received a prophetic word that went:
You will be an apostolic and prophetic voice, even at a young age.
My Name Is Caleb
I Will Love Those Whom The Lord Has Given Me
Touch
Intercession
Those sound like 'words' or something but don't be fooled. They're just summative reminders for me.
James came over which was good all on its own. Then Shay cleaned my bathroom and I helped and off we went to Southside Victory for the final evening in a week long teaching conference. This was great. Charlie taught and he's a cool guy. Lots more truth through this part of the evening. This was finalized by prayer over everyone and I received a prophetic word that went:
You will be an apostolic and prophetic voice, even at a young age.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Snippit
I'm very peaceful right now. I had a delightful time with my family for Samantha's birthday party this evening. My family sings Happy Birthday with their own style and pizazz and it actually sounds good and brings joy to my heart on every occasion it happens. Actually come to think of it that's kind of like my family all the time. My favourite part, may have been Samantha needing nearly 10 minutes to compose herself before blowing out her candles. They'd practically melted into the cake but we kept joking around and making her laugh too much, and in the end she still wound up with 3 boyfriends on her 16th. I also really enjoyed when she thought I'd actually given her a cake-mix for her present (a CD she'd requested - Mmmhmm by Relient K - was inside the box - it was more plausible because of what I'd written in her card...). Lots of good parts though. Melanie hanging onto my arm for the last stretch of the movie was nice. Faye asking me how my wooing was going in the middle of dinner was funny.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Sobering
Damn, I'm selfish after all.
And grumpy right now. I had a pertinent conversation with RJ about the UM tonight. I don't have any answers about it yet. But I'm supposed to pray about it. I'm supposed to pray about it too.
And grumpy right now. I had a pertinent conversation with RJ about the UM tonight. I don't have any answers about it yet. But I'm supposed to pray about it. I'm supposed to pray about it too.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Problems of Patience Pertaining to Proximity
I just finished another chronicled guitar session. As in I played around and then wrote down what I had done. I did this earlier in the week on Tuesday before going out for Russian food with Kirk. Which is as good a way as any to bring me to what I cannot write about.
Slowly slowly pressure ascends. And it's doing strange things to me. The unsaid, the limits, the secrets - all of these erode my calm.
Pam told me I'm obedient on Thursday. That when I figure things out I act on them. I incorporate them right away.
It's true and it makes me conflicted right now.
I was told I use my head too much back in the fall. And I've since wondered if they were praying while they said it because something changed and my senses started reporting elsewhere.
Truth to follow became intuitive and my heart was resolved.
And taking breaks are a good way to further clear your head. Beware though, that vacancies must be filled and if your heart has ardor it will seize them up.
In times like these, friends are never too many.
Some will say it's too soon.
Some will ask and prove.
Some will consider costs.
Some will smile.
Some will get apologies, for words long since past.
Words of the present are dangerous things. And when they must be monitored, they will subvert and slip in surreptitiously.
The new captain was braver, with less caution.
When he caught sight of the treasure, he couldn't forget.
His destination plotted, details of the course shrank.
I looked in his eyes and was caught.
They burned a frozen fire, while he remembered.
How long sir?
I must wait.
What can you mean? We're already sailing.
He smiled. Yes we are. We must wait until we catch up.
To the treasure?
Certainly not. My Father is sailing for her and departed before I.
Will he take it for his own?
He already has, but he's invited us to coalesce.
Are we close?
Very, to the treasure, and it's damn near maddening.
I gasped, and searched about. Spotting something of unspeakable beauty on the horizon, I whirled around in excitement. Your father must be near if we are so close.
His eyes betrayed their fiery glow again, locked on the horizon. He broke them away and spoke words without placeable tone. He is always near.
He looked over the rails and after a long moment I thought he would dive. What happened next, I shall never recover from.
The water surged and a wave of force grasped him like a hand and pulled him up and under.
We sailed on for the treasure I had seen but as we neared I became confused. Off the shores of a treacherous island we dared not seek harbour at, lay the treasure, sunken, resting. I couldn't fathom how I had seen it before at all. And worse, I had no option for procuring it. I am always grateful for glimpsing it closer. When searching for a description, I like to begin by telling of how it seemed to suit the blue flames once encased in our captain.
Slowly slowly pressure ascends. And it's doing strange things to me. The unsaid, the limits, the secrets - all of these erode my calm.
Pam told me I'm obedient on Thursday. That when I figure things out I act on them. I incorporate them right away.
It's true and it makes me conflicted right now.
I was told I use my head too much back in the fall. And I've since wondered if they were praying while they said it because something changed and my senses started reporting elsewhere.
Truth to follow became intuitive and my heart was resolved.
And taking breaks are a good way to further clear your head. Beware though, that vacancies must be filled and if your heart has ardor it will seize them up.
In times like these, friends are never too many.
Some will say it's too soon.
Some will ask and prove.
Some will consider costs.
Some will smile.
Some will get apologies, for words long since past.
Words of the present are dangerous things. And when they must be monitored, they will subvert and slip in surreptitiously.
The new captain was braver, with less caution.
When he caught sight of the treasure, he couldn't forget.
His destination plotted, details of the course shrank.
I looked in his eyes and was caught.
They burned a frozen fire, while he remembered.
How long sir?
I must wait.
What can you mean? We're already sailing.
He smiled. Yes we are. We must wait until we catch up.
To the treasure?
Certainly not. My Father is sailing for her and departed before I.
Will he take it for his own?
He already has, but he's invited us to coalesce.
Are we close?
Very, to the treasure, and it's damn near maddening.
I gasped, and searched about. Spotting something of unspeakable beauty on the horizon, I whirled around in excitement. Your father must be near if we are so close.
His eyes betrayed their fiery glow again, locked on the horizon. He broke them away and spoke words without placeable tone. He is always near.
He looked over the rails and after a long moment I thought he would dive. What happened next, I shall never recover from.
The water surged and a wave of force grasped him like a hand and pulled him up and under.
We sailed on for the treasure I had seen but as we neared I became confused. Off the shores of a treacherous island we dared not seek harbour at, lay the treasure, sunken, resting. I couldn't fathom how I had seen it before at all. And worse, I had no option for procuring it. I am always grateful for glimpsing it closer. When searching for a description, I like to begin by telling of how it seemed to suit the blue flames once encased in our captain.
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