Haze

It is now 11:32 PM Friday night and I am at home and the house is virtually empty. Soul Sister, Brown Sugar, by the Commodores is playing (following MxPx's Doing Time). My throat isn't fairing well, but it is definitely scoring points for coming through because I could still sing with Andy in the car coming home from 'band practice'. That Andy, so wild, would you believe he went four by fouring in a borrowed car with guitars and amps inside?

It was a good night. We dropped off Ryan at the airport, then stopped at Morgan's (I think?) some restaurant in Andy's vintage stomping grounds in the North (not that he'd been there before). I had jambalaya and listened to Andy, and got a phone call from Jason which resulted in Andy causing a scene in the restaurant laughing so hard, which was doubly funny for me because Jason was dying on the phone too. Playing guitar is always pretty grand, and playing with three people who are far more talented than yourself makes it better. RJ got me presents. You'd think this was my birthday and not his next weekend.

"God he gave you a voice, then use it." - Lullaby for the New World Order by Matt Good
It's playing right now, and wow, what a line.


Breathless

I had a clever line in mind driving home today.
It's gone now, and trying to write anything vaguely poetic isn't helping, or happening.
I only blow out blood into kleenex today.

Oh how do I explain life right now?

I've noticed that I often think I feel busy, and behind. If I had a minute I would write down my To Do list and then it would help me remember it and I wouldn't have to drain my brain power remembering the things I need to focus on. Today I thought, hmm what if I had all day tomorrow to play catch up, and then I took a double-take at the sheer foolishness of such a thing. I would get terribly bored before finishing one of them and then I'd need to do something else. But I also had another thought. I keep thinking about how unfocused I am in life right now. How it feels like I'm always doing things and they fly past in a blur and somehow I'm always occupied and I don't even have the chance to, to what? To notice, to understand, to take more out of, to build on? I'm not sure. But today I wondered, has it ever not been like this? I don't know. That, "to build on," one is winning my attention. I don't know if I'm growing. I played soccer twice in the last two weeks. I haven't played soccer in seven years or so. I see family and friends play and always tell Jesus he can teach me to be a really good soccer player in heaven. But now I get to dabble in it. A splash of a tease. I'm going to be really good at a lot of things, as soon as I die. Until then I'm going to try as many different things as I can. Most of them will be exciting, and perhaps I'll tell you so. Then you can buy me a book about it for my birthday, but I'll never read it. It's already gone.

It's not that I'm down. It's just a vice of mine. To go along with eating too much (in the selfish sense, well I suppose in the gluttonous sense too) of the precious commodities (like muffins or coffee cake).

I remember hearing about Nathan & Lauren's marriage counseling, and how Nathan is bad at finishing projects he starts, how Lauren needs to help him with such things. For some reason this memory stuck with me. Likely because I am bad at finishing things. Except you wouldn't even say that, because I don't do it long enough to use terms like finish.

So that is broad. But I feel like that in a concentrated sense now. How any moment of the day, I lack any focus. It has nothing to do with being occupied with good things or bad things; valuable things, or ones beyond measuring. There are a thousand great and appreciated people, thoughts and activities in my week. Am I missing them? They appear and vanish. This happens at a startling rate, so that I don't ever ponder it, something new is in view.

Passive is a scary word. Corey used it the other day and something in my spirit knew what she meant and pricked. It was going to come up. I knew it but to translate it out of my mind was so difficult. Effort fought being eluded and lost and had to wait for someone else to say it.

What's that you say? You don't have time to read all this. You don't understand any of it anyway. Me too. Me too.

My Blog Is So Ugly It's Depressing

Yes, it's true. But I can't do anything about that right now. What do I look like? A publisher? The weather outside is frightful, but I am so delightful, at least that's what my pastor's told me, twice! So I'm guessing it's true. The next time someone asks you for someone delightful, you can point them my way.

I'd like to take a moment to highlight some things that are better to go look at than my blog right now:

1. Trevor's epic picture tale
2. Trevor's ever-amusing fruit-print
3. If you are a regular cantaloupe subscriber, go back and read this just because it's great
4. A sampling of the studio version of the band I had lots of fun seeing yesterday
5. You could borrow number four if you're close by, and remember, they're better live
6. I am now very impressed with Lovedrug's new album, instead of just impressed
7. Webcam taping of me dancing in my room after I called Kyle and we have today off

Kirk Made Me Do It

So here I am doing my homework. I have the day off after working only an hour and a half and so here I sit. So far I worked on a bookshelf for 5 minutes before being recruited to replace Andy for a couple hours at JLYS. Points if you can count how many times I've begun sentences with, "so," in the last six posts unnecessarily. I really liked the walk home. More random sentences. The only thing I could remember of my dreams this morning was that they involved food a great deal. A child gave me his left-over salad he hadn't eaten. There was some strange Mexican food chain restaurant that I think I ate guacamole at. I started reading old entries in my notebook this morning before I left for work and there was quite the variety, all of which I'd forgotten: Conversations with God; Poems; Recounting days; Prayers that made me laugh because they bring back memories of what things used to be like in the house, and before the house, and five years ago for that matter; Silly songs I made up.

The recorded lectio divinas stole my heart though. I must get me some more of that.

OK on to the readings. Psalm 25 & Hebrews 12. Since I don't have my amplified version anymore I'm going to do it online for old times' sake:

Psalm 25

[A Psalm] of David.

1UNTO YOU, O Lord, do I bring my life.

2O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You. Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me.

3Yes, let none who trust and wait hopefully and look for You be put to shame or be disappointed; let them be ashamed who forsake the right or deal treacherously without cause.

4Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths.

5Guide me in Your truth and faithfulness and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You [You only and altogether] do I wait [expectantly] all the day long.

6Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercy and loving-kindness; for they have been ever from of old.

7Remember not the sins (the lapses and frailties) of my youth or my transgressions; according to Your mercy and steadfast love remember me, for Your goodness' sake, O Lord.

8Good and upright is the Lord; therefore will He instruct sinners in [His] way.

9He leads the humble in what is right, and the humble He teaches His way.

10All the paths of the Lord are mercy and steadfast love, even truth and faithfulness are they for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

11For Your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity and my guilt, for [they are] great.

12Who is the man who reverently fears and worships the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that he should choose.

13He himself shall dwell at ease, and his offspring shall inherit the land.

14The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning.^(A)

15My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.

16[Lord] turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

17The troubles of my heart are multiplied; bring me out of my distresses.

18Behold my affliction and my pain and forgive all my sins [of thinking and doing].

19Consider my enemies, for they abound; they hate me with cruel hatred.

20O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed or disappointed, for my trust and my refuge are in You.

21Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for and expect You.

22Redeem Israel, O God, out of all their troubles.

Hebrews 12

1THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

2Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.^(A)

3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

4You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

5And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

6For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

7You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

8Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].^(B)

9Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

12So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,^(C)

13And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured.

14Strive to live in peace with everybody and pursue that consecration and holiness without which no one will [ever] see the Lord.

15Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God's grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it--

16That no one may become guilty of sexual vice, or become a profane (godless and sacrilegious) person as Esau did, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.^(D)

17For you understand that later on, when he wanted [to regain title to] his inheritance of the blessing, he was rejected (disqualified and set aside), for he could find no opportunity to repair by repentance [what he had done, no chance to recall the choice he had made], although he sought for it carefully with [bitter] tears.^(E)

18For you have not come [as did the Israelites in the wilderness] to a [material] mountain that can be touched, [a mountain] that is ablaze with fire, and to gloom and darkness and a raging storm,

19And to the blast of a trumpet and a voice whose words make the listeners beg that nothing more be said to them.^(F)

20For they could not bear the command that was given: If even a wild animal touches the mountain, it shall be stoned to death.^(G)

21In fact, so awful and terrifying was the [phenomenal] sight that Moses said, I am terrified (aghast and trembling with fear).^(H)

22But rather, you have come to Mount Zion, even to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to countless multitudes of angels in festal gathering,

23And to the church (assembly) of the Firstborn who are registered [as citizens] in heaven, and to the God Who is Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous (the redeemed in heaven) who have been made perfect,

24And to Jesus, the Mediator (Go-between, Agent) of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood which speaks [of mercy], a better and nobler and more gracious message than the blood of Abel [which cried out for vengeance].^(I)

25So see to it that you do not reject Him or refuse to listen to and heed Him Who is speaking [to you now]. For if they [the Israelites] did not escape when they refused to listen and heed Him Who warned and divinely instructed them [here] on earth [revealing with heavenly warnings His will], how much less shall we escape if we reject and turn our backs on Him Who cautions and admonishes [us] from heaven?

26Then [at Mount Sinai] His voice shook the earth, but now He has given a promise: Yet once more I will shake and make tremble not only the earth but also the [starry] heavens.^(J)

27Now this expression, Yet once more, indicates the final removal and transformation of all [that can be] shaken--that is, of that which has been created--in order that what cannot be shaken may remain and continue.^(K)

28Let us therefore, receiving a kingdom that is firm and stable and cannot be shaken, offer to God pleasing service and acceptable worship, with modesty and pious care and godly fear and awe;

29For our God [is indeed] a consuming fire.^(L)

Good Friday

So lately I've felt like my brain has turned to mush, intellectually speaking. I try to contemplate. I try to sort and sift and draw out organized thought and reasons. It hurts. It runs in circles and hits walls and feels like I'm listening to another language. The truth bits. They're strong. Intuition and heart and belief. But where have all the whys gone?

Last night was awesome. Well really the whole day was pretty good. I ended up going to Lisa's Good Friday service invite (I would have been late for the joint EMC one). It was cool. Meditative progression through the events and people and twists of Jesus' last days. Songs, narratives, dramatic monologues, all following an ancient 4th century church tradition of the shadow candles. Then I went out for lunch with Kirk. Kirk is always cool to hang out with, plus we got to eat Indian food! Oh yeah, and it was funny because I was probably 5 minutes late for the service and so when I went in it was all dark and I could barely see anything (especially coming in from the snow). So I stood in the back. But Kirk was late too, and probably arrived ten minutes later. So my eyes had adjusted to the dark by then (good thing I eat carrots pretty much every day) but he was blind like I had been and so when we went to sit down he crashed into the chairs and I thought, yep, this is all just a black blob to him like it was for me before.

So I went home and did some grocery shopping with RJ and then I went to my room and got weird. Now you could argue that I was just pent up and my body needed to return to equilibrium after downing a 32 oz blizzard the night before and then having buffet Indian. But whatever the reason this is how it went. First I started by reading a couple chapters of a book just returned to me in hopes of gaining direction to try and answer a question posed the day before. It only made me frustrated with how I don't really understand myself, at least enough to explain to anyone else. So then I returned to the DISC personality profiling and on a whim took the test again with new results. I scored 77 I 75 S with a negligible 19 D and 12 C. This wasn't really feeling helpful at all, so I started reading the Bible. And after restlessly reading a while in the new testament, I got stuck in 1 John. It's weird and somehow that felt better. Because my brain still wasn't working very well, but there were things in there that sounded brainless and true.

So then I got up and cranked Atticus Fault's Mary Mother song that I associate with the movie The Passion and danced wildly in my room. Then I threw on Mute Math and continued. I didn't break anything except my lungs' pride - just wait till I get my exercise bike back... And it felt good. It felt old, dancing all crazy like that, but so good. Connor came in and we threw a stuffed bunny at each other for a while, he on the top bunk, and I still going crazy.

And then it was over because we were to start the movie at 7. But it wasn't ready, so I sat on the couch, then walked to Blockbuster with Sherry who was returning a movie.

Finally we watched it. Powerful as always.

Afterwards, we had communion (which I'd been lamenting not having done recently enough just the day before to Andy). It was great. We divided up the bread and wine, and then we went around with each person, one at a time (there were 8 of us), exchanging bits of bread and clinking glasses together and praying/encouraging/making things right again amongst us. It was glorious. I loved it. I could feel Jesus smiling.
Oh and incidentally Kirk mentioned that I reminded him of John, the beloved disciple. And it was incredibly encouraging, especially given my brain mush. That Kirk, such a stand-up kind of guy.

Then it was off to Scarborough United for our hour during the prayer vigil. It too was glorious. Praying with Kirk and RJ and Wes and Andy was great. It started when Kirk read a scripture passage, and I felt that he needed to pray more in response to it. That there were things in his heart and he needed to say them. So I prayed about that, and God said, well if you want him to pray them out, you'd better pray out what's on yours. So I did just that and prayed for Kirk. And wow, I'd barely finished and he took off and it all came pouring out and it was fantastic. From there it was more and more fun. Why? Because the Holy Spirit was there and he's awesome. He gave me good things to pray and odd things to pray, and humourous things to pray. And there was tag-teamage and unity of spirit going around with friends. I love it!
Then it was back home for bed.
Kind of like right now for me.
God bless. He is risen! Oh yes! He is risen indeed!

Ten Days - Part Nine - Words of Prophecy for me

So these are the words I received at TGI as best as I remembered, which is point form.

Lover of Music
Worshiper Heart

I will play multiple instruments.

Death, death to self. Death, but there's more life.

Picture of me on a stage in front of a microphone on a stand with my guitar and no crowd. - Audience of one.

Creative.
Explorer - off the map.
A picture of a ship embarking. When you're going to explore, you're going to be gone a long time. You don't know when you'll be back.
A picture of the ship out at sea, it's sails full with wind. In this time exploring, the Holy Spirit will be the driving force.
Like all the great musicians, my music will be distinctly me, NOLAN.
The music I make will have effects in the spiritual.
God will give me new songs, he will put them in my heart.

Writing, not just song writing, but writing, is key to establishing things I learn into actually becoming part of me.

Acceleration of my abilities.
Music will bring my worship to a new level.
I am a point man, a forerunner. - Joshua & Caleb
Step up!
I am a warrior.
Cataloging, like I-Tunes - genre/artist/year/etc... - possibly connected to my writing. Cataloging it so that I and others can learn from it, search through it, connect things.


So what do you think of that? First of all, I welcome your prayers & insights into and questions about any of these. Second of all, I ask you to keep on me about these. What am I doing with them? Don't let me contradict them. If I'm whining, say hey Nolan, warriors don't whine. If I'm ignoring music, ask me what the deal is.

Ten Days - Part Eight - The Aforementioned Problem Entering Worship

Good morning Jesus, it truly is; in every sense. I love you. Yesterday in one of the sessions Graham talked about you showing us where we would be blessed next by where the enemy attacks us. In the evening session, I thought I was ready, set, go for worship. But then it started and it was a disappointment to my expectations. And I let it destroy me somehow - those unfamiliar songs, all so slow. And I knew. I knew I had to get past it and worship anyway. SO I raised my hands a while, thinking, "hands up," and, "surrender." Still my heart turned fouler. It began to curse even as I tried to bless. So I tried to sing but even there my heart didn't follow and there was no joyful noise.

Thankfully the man next to me whose baby had been the only thing seemingly wondrous enough to move me in the last 15 minutes came alongside and asked if he could pray for me. In quick acknowledgment I answered "that would be good," in an ugly but accepting tone. So he prayed and prayed and then he asked if it was hard engaging in worship.
Yes.
What do you feel?
Nothing.
You need to get past that somehow. I was having a hard time too but there's something there in the spirit and you have to worship even if you feel nothing.

Glad that God had shared my plight with him, but still in the same predicament, I wondered how I should try again.
Then he came over again and asked if I remembered the morning session? How important it is to be thankful. Start with that even if you have to repeat the same thing.

So I did of course! The light had come back. Of course I knew that to be true. Within minutes I was crying and in the peace, and love. Oh thank you God for helping me in that moment when I was weak.

Psalms 95 & 100.

Let us come before him with thanksgiving

Enter his gates with thanksgiving.

Ten Days - Part Seven - Food Gets Eaten Everyday

So much more has happened. I have to write about it all. Thursday night was about God's Romance. Something he's been showing me since December at least. In the time of response, some how I knew I had to go to the tend of meeting and lie there awhile with Jesus. So I did and missed the rest of the session. Jason had a wonderful experience with you. You finally revealed in his heart how much you love him - something he'd always knowing in his head. The in the mingling afterwards David introduced himself and we got talking and he offered us his friend's apartment suite to stay. Hooray. And so we met his friends Tyler and Matt. We picked up some groceries at an econo grocery store called Wilco and made nachos. Luckily David spotted us some cash since they didn't take credit and my debit wouldn't go.

We prayed for Tyler's eyes, which were agitated. No I didn't spit in them.

Friday's morning sessions were very long. I took notes for the first and was told not to for the second. We went out to Napoli for some Mediterranean pizza at lunch. Fun people. I asked the waitress for another table's left behind pasta dish. Yes she did - very flustered. Good pizza. Good talk. Met Matt's girlfriend Lisa, a single mom of two. Good to pray for her in the worship when we returned. I danced.

I slept through nearly all of the creative quiet devotional time even with 8 hours sleep the night before. Then it was dinner break. Instead, gladly we went back out to the beautiful countryside to check out a house Matt wants David to buy. 22 acres and a stunning 5 BR house with 2 BR guest house. I didn't hear anything as far as guidance.
Ah yes and the thoughts from the morning session. What to do with old words of prophecy... school?

Back for the evening session which you can read more about over there with the session notes. Graham read a prophecy. A very long prophecy. I need to listen to it over and over in the coming months and stop when the Holy Spirit speaks, and then meditate on what he spoke. Sounds good. Then we went to TGI Friday for a late meal. Hanzel, the sword flashing dancer I thought was cool came out too and brought 5 friends. Tyler was fighting with God. The menu was expensive. I was tired. We had a little fun anyways. Shooting straw covers. Dumping water on me, hiding the ice. Eating salad with my hands (service was slow and I didn't get utensils till much later). Some good convo.

Ask and you will receive, fries, and prophecy.

We went to the party room and I got the hot seat first. Incredible stuff, and I said yes & amen in Christ. Thank you so much God. Such good people to. Bless them. It went straight onto David next without pause and then Jason and finally Tyler. It was beautiful and I can't tell you how astonishingly attractive you were last night. How appropriate, the restaurant we were in. We came home and journaled it all down helping each other out remembering words. And now it's 9:08 and still sunny shorts/sandals wear.

Psalmy

I want to follow up my last post and make it psalmy because that's the way it should be.

Andrea asked if we could do evening prayers so I had a shower while she was doing dishes and went out to the living room. I was ready to simply pray, "God I'm a zombie, you should give me a hug." But he already knew and while Andrea was reading the daily scripture's Psalm he did. We continued praying and RJ came up after finishing his movie. Prior to watching his movie he had mentioned he wanted to watch a movie and pray after (which is a fun activity we've done before). However he knew I was drastically depleted and said I could go to bed, except I never made it there. Anyway, feeling zombieish myself, I set about praying even though I didn't watch Shaun of the Dead again. RJ fell into unstoppable giggles and had to leave, much to Andrea's disappointment - well not him leaving - more his untimely insensitivity to her mood. It was all my fault and yet somehow it seemed all so appropriate because I am often in the mood for 'irreverent' prayer while everyone else is somber. That way I got to go to bed right away too so it all worked out, I think.

Anyway, I woke up early to have morning prayer with Pam and these too were life-giving. Then I made myself an incredible egg skillet, and sat and watched the sun rise with God. I went to work and did OK. I remember thinking, God thanks for making sure I'm alive right now because I don't think I would be otherwise.
Then I stayed up until 4 AM but that's not the point. The point is that God is good, and faithful and kind, and that prayer is incredibly helpful. Back on the 4 AM thing. It was very interesting to note that after two weeks of continued sleep deprivation, my brain didn't work anymore. I had sat down to write out my thoughts Thursday night and couldn't. Yet Friday night (Saturday morning) my mind was still sharp with truth. Truth kept shooting through connecting to conversation and even if I couldn't explain past things God had shown me, I could still pray. I probably can't explain this properly either, but my spirit is still in communion with the Holy Spirit, vibrantly, even when everything else has run out. So as proverbs says, don't depend on your own strength, but lean on, trust in, and depend on God. It's good for me to run out of strength and see this. Now I get to remember it even when I am strong (because I'm going to get more sleep, just you wait).
And let me leave you with this reminder: Your battle is not with flesh and blood, not even your own, but with the spiritual powers of darkness.
And friends are always good to ask for help.