Haze

It is now 11:32 PM Friday night and I am at home and the house is virtually empty. Soul Sister, Brown Sugar, by the Commodores is playing (following MxPx's Doing Time). My throat isn't fairing well, but it is definitely scoring points for coming through because I could still sing with Andy in the car coming home from 'band practice'. That Andy, so wild, would you believe he went four by fouring in a borrowed car with guitars and amps inside?

It was a good night. We dropped off Ryan at the airport, then stopped at Morgan's (I think?) some restaurant in Andy's vintage stomping grounds in the North (not that he'd been there before). I had jambalaya and listened to Andy, and got a phone call from Jason which resulted in Andy causing a scene in the restaurant laughing so hard, which was doubly funny for me because Jason was dying on the phone too. Playing guitar is always pretty grand, and playing with three people who are far more talented than yourself makes it better. RJ got me presents. You'd think this was my birthday and not his next weekend.

"God he gave you a voice, then use it." - Lullaby for the New World Order by Matt Good
It's playing right now, and wow, what a line.


Breathless

I had a clever line in mind driving home today.
It's gone now, and trying to write anything vaguely poetic isn't helping, or happening.
I only blow out blood into kleenex today.

Oh how do I explain life right now?

I've noticed that I often think I feel busy, and behind. If I had a minute I would write down my To Do list and then it would help me remember it and I wouldn't have to drain my brain power remembering the things I need to focus on. Today I thought, hmm what if I had all day tomorrow to play catch up, and then I took a double-take at the sheer foolishness of such a thing. I would get terribly bored before finishing one of them and then I'd need to do something else. But I also had another thought. I keep thinking about how unfocused I am in life right now. How it feels like I'm always doing things and they fly past in a blur and somehow I'm always occupied and I don't even have the chance to, to what? To notice, to understand, to take more out of, to build on? I'm not sure. But today I wondered, has it ever not been like this? I don't know. That, "to build on," one is winning my attention. I don't know if I'm growing. I played soccer twice in the last two weeks. I haven't played soccer in seven years or so. I see family and friends play and always tell Jesus he can teach me to be a really good soccer player in heaven. But now I get to dabble in it. A splash of a tease. I'm going to be really good at a lot of things, as soon as I die. Until then I'm going to try as many different things as I can. Most of them will be exciting, and perhaps I'll tell you so. Then you can buy me a book about it for my birthday, but I'll never read it. It's already gone.

It's not that I'm down. It's just a vice of mine. To go along with eating too much (in the selfish sense, well I suppose in the gluttonous sense too) of the precious commodities (like muffins or coffee cake).

I remember hearing about Nathan & Lauren's marriage counseling, and how Nathan is bad at finishing projects he starts, how Lauren needs to help him with such things. For some reason this memory stuck with me. Likely because I am bad at finishing things. Except you wouldn't even say that, because I don't do it long enough to use terms like finish.

So that is broad. But I feel like that in a concentrated sense now. How any moment of the day, I lack any focus. It has nothing to do with being occupied with good things or bad things; valuable things, or ones beyond measuring. There are a thousand great and appreciated people, thoughts and activities in my week. Am I missing them? They appear and vanish. This happens at a startling rate, so that I don't ever ponder it, something new is in view.

Passive is a scary word. Corey used it the other day and something in my spirit knew what she meant and pricked. It was going to come up. I knew it but to translate it out of my mind was so difficult. Effort fought being eluded and lost and had to wait for someone else to say it.

What's that you say? You don't have time to read all this. You don't understand any of it anyway. Me too. Me too.