A Fetching Monologue

Yvaine:

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful.

So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Stardust, 2007

Can't vs Grace

Friday I freaked.  

I went to dance class after work happy that this week I didn't feel as empty and drained as the end of the week before.  With Christmas, there was almost no one in attendance so they combined our class with the Hip Hop styles class.   That class is 2 levels higher than ours...

So we started with the Hip Hop warm-up.  Wow, by the time we were done and were grabbing drinks I had to wrenchingly stop swallowing so as to avoid suffocating from lack of oxygen.  Then my teacher started us on a challenging combo.  We were moving at a fast clip but I was keeping up so long as I had someone to visually follow.  I finished feeling good.  It was difficult and quick but I had done it.  Now it was the Hip Hop teacher's turn.  She had the sudden brilliant inspiration to take her combo and add it onto the funk one rather than do it separately with her originally intended, and much slower, song.  It will be so much fun to do it this fast!  

So she starts showing us the moves.  So far so good, these are kind of fun and I'm catching on quick.  Now let's try with music.  Woah, sorry I must have blinked or something because I hadn't started and it was over.  Don't worry though, you'll get lots of practice since this is so fast.  Lots of practice not being able to be a dance instructor extraordinaire who finds moving like lightning without effort fun.  

I need to leave.  

Don't freak out Nolan.  Don't freak out Nolan.  Lots of times, difficult things get easier after you've moved onto more moves.  

So we move on, and again, I can do this just fine.  Until we switch to light-speed.  

So let's repeat a few times. 

And the rage is flying high and burning behind my eyes.  

I can't even attempt this.  Nothing close.

And I walk out before I start crying.  

And avoid that until just before I get into my car.  

The anger is so strong it's scary.

I drive home, avoiding the blinding urge to go through things in my path. 

And I get home and Jason and Megan are having a romantic dinner and the house is dark and silent and I go into my room considering how to vent this out.  

I could work out downstairs, no - they're downstairs - but I could just do push-ups here but that won't solve this.  I'll just get tired, and it won't do it this time.  

I could go for a run but that won't do it either.  

No the only thing I'm considering that has any appeal is smashing things, but I don't have anything to smash and I don't have an aluminum baseball bat.  

I'm supposed to call Sherry when I get home but that will need to hold on until I figure this out.  

A myriad of despondent thoughts are flying through my brain and afterwards when trying to describe it I came down to the word, "can't."

It wasn't that I expected myself to be able to dance at a level above my ability.  I think that got to me because for most of my life I haven't felt understood by my teachers, or lacked them outright, and desperately need them to learn.  So to have teachers expect the unreasonable was painful.  

It set off though, all the expectations I do have for myself that never get met.  And I tie those things to learning.  I'm not fast enough at work.  Why?  Because I don't remember so much of what I learn.  So even though I'm building a deck for the 2oth time, I'm still going as fast as if I'd only built one.  Still cautious, and taking time to figure things out that should be instinctive by now.  Still trying to invent a system for tasks when I should have one nailed down that I'm merely practicing at; pushing myself to take less time.  And you might say, oh but at least if you're cautious you won't make mistakes, but you will be incorrect.  While taking my sweet time, I still make dumb little mistakes.  I've been making these as long as I can remember.  Visualizing things wrong in my head.  And eventually I just feel stupid.  Why can't I do it right?  Growing up I felt smart.  I'm not sure why.  Probably because I didn't have any difficulties understanding the concepts I was taught.  They all made sense.  Sure, of course, thanks for telling me.  I wasn't some brainiac doing calculus for fun in my head, but I had consistently good grades.  I remember the little mistakes then too though.  There was always some slip up, keeping me from perfection.  It didn't matter if I looked over my work or not, it would make sense until it was shown wrong.  

And perhaps it's because I was so successful with my job at Can-Am.  Because I did work out a system and get fast, ridiculously fast, with highest quality and attention to detail, and bored.  I conquered every challenge set before me and every challenge I gave myself.  Same thing when I worked at Dairy Queen.  

Why can't I do it framing?  

Sure all the tons of mistakes I make are usually forgivable.  I'll notice them myself before they ever become an issue, but hey, no one's perfect - and I'm not even close.  Yet I continue to make costly ones, on a regular basis, right after the proper way was explained to me, and I understood it, and then I magically screw it up.  

And if I stop to think about whether I'm good at anything, such as in the middle of being really angry and freaking out, I can't.  I go through a list and I'm worthless.  And I try to think, it's not about what you do, that your value comes from.  But it's got to be connected in ways.  I'd like to think that I only fail at things if they're hobbies, part-time.  Perhaps I need to focus on something to get it right.  But I work long hours every day framing and that hasn't helped.  And if I'm so terrible at everything, what's even worth liking about me?  

And as I sat in my room crying that's what I asked God.  

And eventually I decided to try to find music to match my mood and my thoughts, because hey I would create some myself except that I don't have the talent or skills for that either.  

And so I collected songs and would start playing them rather unfocusedly because they weren't it, but just the loudness felt good, and sometimes just the music being good felt good.  

After an hour I had finally cooled off enough to now feel extraordinarily hungry and went out in search of food.  And chatted with Andrew for 5 minutes and started returning to normal.  

I called Sherry and talked awhile and after that apologized to Jason for loud music to interrupt his dinner but they hadn't heard it.  They invited me to watch a movie with them so I did.  

And it wasn't resolved but at least the mindset was hidden again.  

So I told RJ about it yesterday, and he tried to talk sense to me.  

He said I have a perfectionism that I've grown up with.  And I see the way things should go mentally but then when they don't it grates against me.  

Yes, yes, I do that all the time driving.  

But Nolan, every thing happens for a reason.  God could make you perfect if he wanted.  

Yes, yes, I've thought the same thing at work.  

So let me speak a word into your life.  Grace.  

Maybe give yourself the same grace you'd give someone else.  

No, no, you don't understand, I would have my expectations at work for someone else.  Most every day I think to myself, I would fire me if Calgary wasn't in such desperation for workers.  

I can't handle the weather, and I screw up all the time.  Framing's not the right fit for me at all.  Not that I can think of something that would be a good fit...

And also in my head are the words of Amy from Thursday reminding me of the significant truth that saying things out loud is powerful.  Blessings and curses.  Truths and lies.  Words create.  

That's partly why prayer is so important.  

And maybe I've doomed myself at work because I curse all the time.  Maybe I've made myself stupid.  It's not a new thought.  I've considered it before.  And I fight with it.  Grace isn't a new word either.  I tell myself the same thing at work.  But I lose.  Most of the time I'm sure I'm OK because I'm just not a high-stress person, and can't hold on to self-loathing and anger and all that for long.  But I'm not getting any better with maintaining peace over my frequent outbursts.  

But today before the service began I was considering this, and a truth came to me to speak out.  I can do all things through him who gives me life.  

Actually that might be wrong, I couldn't remember if it was life or strength or something totally different.  Here, maybe I should go check...

2 Corinthians 9:8 (Whole Chapter) 
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 

Mark 10:27 (Whole Chapter) 
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." 

Ephesians 4:15 (Whole Chapter) 
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

1 John 2:27 (Whole Chapter) 
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

OK so much for my scripture passage.  I couldn't find it anywhere...

My Name Is Jonas

So the other day at work, completely out of the blue I suddenly had a thought.  I've always thought it so hard-hearted, so utterly rebellious, so incredible - the story of Jonas.  Why would I think that?  It's so easy to do the opposite of what God tells you to do.  

I'm still not writing music.  It's December and I'm still not writing music.  

God directly highlighted the UM as something for me to pursue.  Back in October we came up with proposals for various areas of life to follow.  For prayer we are to set aside one weeknight 7:30 - 9:30 to pray and to sign up for a 3 hour slot on Saturday.  Guess how consistent I've been with that...

God introduced lectio divinas as an exciting way to listen to him more in such a surrounding manner that it was hard to escape how badly he wanted me to do them.  I don't remember the last time I tried.  

God has me framing not so that I become the world's fastest, perfect framer (thank God because that won't ever happen), and not so that I can just pay the bills, and not just to learn patience and reveal how easily I can be upset or have near fatalities.  He told me to frame so that I could pray for Kyle.  And how well do I do that might you ask.  Please don't.  

God gave me another creative directive, that one romantic.  We're doing pretty well with that one.  But even there, recently I've become good at ignoring some of his guidance.  

Dear God help me, because I'm tempted to say I need help from people.  Help for motivation by joining me, by asking me, by encouraging me, by teaching me.  But Jonas ran away with other people and you had them throw him overboard to be all by himself.  And one last thing you told me I needed to do:  learn how to be myself in Christ regardless of circumstances, easy or hard, friends or no friends.  

So right now I have a massive to-do list on my message board on the wall with 3 exhortations:

Don't be lazy

Don't get distracted

Get sleep every day

And yes Jesus, you are fantastic at interrupting as the Christmas story clearly shows.  And like the picture you gave me, you even like interrupting yourself.  So I won't be too hard on myself as you throw so many unscheduled things my way.  On top of those I'll still follow your lead and make sure I take time to rest and celebrate.  

Kersplat went the little green car one day

Two interviews I read inspired me in the last couple of days. One was with Chris Cornell (Soundgarden / Audio Slave) and the other Mike Peters of The Alarm. I would write more about how or why they were inspiring but it hasn't entered me yet. I jammed with Shaun, Aaron, and Andy tonight. It was similar to any other time we've played. Sometimes things click, sometimes they don't. Usually there are moments of glory where we all get excited. I get frustrated in a quiet way because it can be very difficult to create parts or ideas in such a setting. But if we are going to regularly play on Saturday nights, which sounds promising, then I shall go and get a mic and start recording, or, actually figure out garage band and buy a preamp and all that and I could even bring my imac over and record us there (sound quality would be terrible but- hmm, maybe forget going any further sound quality wouldn't be worth while).

It was really really strange to come home and not see Sherry. I can't explain it well, except that we were both home but not together, not even to say hi / bye, or exchange a look or a hug - Two months of her in New Zealand will be very difficult. Hint hint to airline employees looking for framers... Well actually if anyone is looking for a framer for a basement development, I suppose making some extra money could be smart.

And speaking of money, mine has come into question. Yesterday driving home from work, I was switching lanes to my right when a car from the far right lane swerved into my path. I had to veer back into my lane which was now coming to a stop. Braking did not prevent me from rear-ending the camry in front of me. Smash. And he bumped the BMW in front of him. We both got out of our vehicles to make sure there were no injuries and briefly inspect the damage before pulling over to the side to exchange information. He was extremely polite and organized taking all the information and giving me a consoling, "it happens."
After my initial yelling vent session of 5 seconds or so I was very calm and the whole thing seemed very surreal. I didn't even really look at my car, I was much more concerned about theirs. The camry's rear bumper was all scratched up and dinged. The BMW looked like it was perfectly fine although the camry's front bumper was showing cracking in the fibres. After all the information exchanging I returned to my car and actually took a look, and realized that there was enough damage to effectively write off my car. Thankfully no damage to the motor and my important lights meant I would be fine to drive my car for now (at least until my next oil change when the hood will have to be popped and then will likely never come down again).
So I got to hang out at the police station all morning for the accident report today but after that I got to come home and make a nice egg skillet lunch before heading out on a surprise-ish (way to go Jason! Just kidding I love you) date with Sherry. We picked up a canoe from Stu and enjoyed the Glenmore reservoir. I even convinced Sherry to switch ends with me despite her being convinced such endeavours would be doomed to tipping us. No RJ I didn't try out your out-door magazine's know-how; I didn't even read that part.
Visited my parents to do the stereotypical son thing: raid their cupboards of cookies and pumpkin bread and home-made rolls and borrow movies and take their portable fire pit. Sherry borrowed a humidifier.

Notice how quickly I jumped off the car thing. Well that's how my mind with it has gone too. Until I'm actually forced to face it and get a new car, it will stay as background to-come-later stress.

The next week looks to be busy but after that I want to continue the trend, only with you! So call me up and plan things. Things like the debut Trevor's bachelor weekend movie premier? Or the Grosse Point Blank couples romantic movie night? Or wall climbing? Speaking of wall climbing, I should REALLY get a borrowed tent patched and quick!! It will be bad enough when I see them at church tomorrow and don't have it.
Speaking of couples romantic movie nights, are there couples who haven't seen Into The Wild? All I keep hearing is how awesome this movie is so Friday night I was thinking... late showing?

1:30ish AM time for bed.

Laying Pipe / All Night Long

So I wasn't laying pipe, and I didn't even sing that song although I did sing a lot.
Yes the working debacle that started Monday has made for an interesting week. Our homebuilder shafted us by giving away all the filler jobs they'd assigned for us to other crews while our next house was delayed even further. So on immediate notice we had 2 weeks of no work. Kyle had planned to go on vacation in 2 weeks and bumped it up and left early, and I had to scrounge. So I checked with a framing crew down the street since there was 3 guys working on 2 houses and they excitedly and eagerly gave me their boss' phone number however he, along with 6 other guys, had just finished everything in Strathmore and were coming to Chestermere to jump on those houses so they wouldn't need any more help. I'd talked to Ian (after making sure WCB would be covered - you know just in case of a repeat of last year's knee nailing) but he didn't sound very confident and I wasn't able to get a hold of his partner Trent all day either. I called my uncle Mike who is a home builder and he said he could get me a frost package and a deck and probably some other work. Trent later called back and I could work, just not right away since they would have a day's lull too.
So Monday I had a half day.
Tuesday I had no work. This wasn't bad because our carpets were supposed to be installed in the morning and I could move all my stuff into the new room in the afternoon after running some errands, except that they forgot to come. Ah well, I did have lunch with my Dad - he even paid! I also got financing for an iMac that will arrive Friday or so, so I can get going with the music!
Wednesday I had no work. This wasn't bad because our carpets were supposed to be installed...
But they weren't. Although I did get to scrape off a large section of cat-urinated-underlay. I went to JLYS and got my shopping done for the bachelor party (slightly over budget but still very cheap over all).
Late Thursday morning I got the call, the frost wall package was on its way and so was I, to Black Diamond. Now Frost Wall packages can go either way for work and time. Once I did 3 in two days, and last time I did 1 in a day and a half. Are the studs a fixed length? (this will make cutting them much quicker) How many windows are there? (Less is faster) Are there funky jogs and height changes? How big is it? And the big question for this job:
Is the stupid concrete so hard that my stupid concrete nails won't pierce it!!!! (Oops) ?
This was fine, after all, after I got all my studs loaded into the basement and set about cutting them all, I began singing. I sang made up songs to God, songs I knew, songs I changed. And I sang a lot about patience (now I know you're all thinking Be Patient, Be Patient but I didn't).
Now after discovering the concrete was impregnable, at least without explosives (which I didn't have), a very keen impression came to me. Sherry asked me to pray for an impression but this wasn't what she was hoping for. I needed to persevere in hope. It would be intercessional prayer for Pam, who I'd sensed needed to preserve hope, and it would be very needed for me to maintain sanity. So with every single nail, and there was a lot, I prayed that God would sink it. And as nail after nail bent, it gets harder to pray, but I did. Not always joyfully... Sometimes it would go something like, "DAMN IT YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! No, not you God - the nail, sorry. Alright God this nail?" And many times I would sing praise songs even while the nails were bending because I still loved God and trusted him, even if he wasn't telling me anything (which I was also praying for), and man oh man was I thankful when the one in 15 or more nails would go in. Yes, while Pam thinks it would be fun to job shadow her friends, I think I would scare most people if they were watching.

Side note of discovery at 9:30 or so: Kiwi skins are fine, even if you don't rub off any of the fuzz (I was smart enough to take off the sticker though). I needed some extra sustenance...

I was getting irritable towards the end though. It's hard not to get grumpy when you're nearing 16 hours of work and you've been in a dark concrete cave with a head-lamp on dim and the only muffled noise other than yourself you hear through your ear plugs is a very oppressive air compressor. Mostly I decided it was better not to talk when I got that tired and I was a little hungry and irritating timed red lights prevented me from getting home sooner (I was calm, and not even speeding for the most part, just easily incited).

Anyway, this morning was nice. I woke up at 8 after going to bed at almost 2, and jumped out to give Sherry a quick call about possibly meeting her for lunch. I left a message and then did my morning Bible reading and study when Nathan called and wanted to go out for breakfast, which was perfect. Got to go for a run and then write this, and now I need to either pack for the weekend or attack my room transfer.

Some of you might be still curious as to why I wouldn't just go home after say, 8 hours. Well if you consider packing up and setting up tools again with the extra travel back and forth, you're looking at almost 3 1/2 extra hours of non-productive time for work, and I knew I needed to be at Jono's for the bach party departure Friday afternoon. So staying and finishing was the better alternative. Besides including a partial day next Friday, I'm missing 4 days of work on a pay cheque I was hoping to do some shopping with.

The drive out to Black Diamond with the fresh snow and the clear view of the mountains was incredible by the way.

God Bless You, Even If You Didn't Sneeze, But Twice If You Did

9:25 Thursday. Today I got fitted for my Tux for Trevor's wedding, and I priced out the menu for his bachelor party next weekend. I'm OK, and I believe it. For the last few weeks every day I come home seems like a transition from work to more work. There's so many good things every day that brighten life up. I read Pawns by um, someone, let me go find it and tell you...

The Pawn by Steven James. Fantastic! A muchly appreciated birthday present from my parents.
I know you're all sick of hearing about Sherry and her unending wonderfulness but this morning I was grumpy and she came downstairs just as I was leaving and kissed me goodbye and life was cheery.

Tonight was delightful. I stopped writing my blog when I went in search of the book because Andy invited me for prayer in our prayer room. Yes, we have a prayer room. It is open Saturdays, for all 24 hours, for you. How exciting is that? Anyway, we had a very life-giving time with the celtic daily book of prayers with some bonus spirit-led personal stuff.

I am so much more peaceful. MMMmmm.
I priced out the menu I've planned for Trevor's Bach Party Weekend and it came out for a steal of a deal's budget. Especially since I wasn't being thrifty at all.
If I can promise anything it's that it will be tasty.

Ah yes and I was going to throw an invite on here too. For a few years now I've wanted to read the Bible chronologically, and Sherry gave me her chrono Bible complete with daily reading break-downs to do it in a year, so I'm going to. Starting next week! I've purposely left this weekend unscheduled so I can get a few necessary things done and be more organized. Anyway, if you want to join in on it, I'll email you the week's worth of readings.

Alas, it is nearly eleven. Goodnight.

Sherry's faster than you think

Good morning. It's Saturday, when I have my "birthday party." Although who said anything about that? Anyway, I've enjoyed Saturday already. I woke up rested and lay around praying a bit. Next I showered and semi-got ready. I'm just in shorts but that's so I can marinade in body butter so as to combat dry skin.
There's a fire downstairs but I don't get to see it yet. I was told to wait on the couch, except this is what I planned to do until 9:00 anyway. So long.

OK So No Sidebar Wishlist

It could be worse, I could have given you a 7 page document - and who does that except for a couple of my favourite people in the world?

1. My car door repaired or replaced
2. A used/refurbished replacement of my previous phone from Telus
3. CDs
Project 86 - Rival Factions
Mae - Singularity
Sleeping At Last - Keep No Score
Classic Crime - Albatross
The Listening - The Listening
Gabriel Wilson - Lovely Is Death
Pete Stewart - I Gave You A Desert
Tyrone Wells - Hold On

(Pre)4. Blender from Superstore
4. Cool Necklace
5. An entire box of Handwarmers (I'd even help pay for that)
6. Cool Shirts (if they don't fit I'll return them though)
7. Cool Jeans (this means they're of the tailored variety with flared bottoms and slightly skinnier at the knees W32 L34 and you shouldn't spend much money on them) These could be impossible to find - I'm starting to suspect I'll need to learn how to make jeans.
8. Cool Activity - you could just plan and do something creative with me
9. Beat me with a stick until I'm a better musician - OK fine maybe that wouldn't help... Maybe you could collect music charts (or even, gag, tabs) for my favourite music: The Juliana Theory, Brandtson, House Of Heroes, The Violet Burning (they might be the easiest to get real music charts for - you just need to join their underground club and who wouldn't want to do that?).
10. Big Pyrex Measuring Cup - OK I'm only half-joking - this definitely wouldn't be as cool as any of the other things but I'd use it.
11. Comfy warm socks - my Dad gave me two pairs and one is already dead and the other one won't last forever and besides you can only wear them once and then you need to wash them. Wool is not comfortable, it's itchy.

UM Report

So it's nearing the end of September and things of the UM are as different as always.
It was decided that the different facets of our lives together would be separated into categories and given over to pairs of people to be drafted into a proposed plan of action.
Hence Andy & Shay are working on what our lives of prayer might look like. Pam and I have some suggestions about incorporating the disciplines of silence and solitude. There's food and cleaning and a host of other things to be considered.
Last night I was working on the cooking theory and was met with several challenges from the new guys. And I didn't appreciate them. How annoying to have to defend something that works. How dare you suggest alternatives. Somewhere in the middle of this rumours of what might be brewing in other areas came up and I immediately attacked them too.
And I had to stop and breathe and pray. And whilst praying it occurred to me very strongly that this September feels very different than last, and not for the better, even though the house isn't nearly as chaotic. And it's all my fault.
Last year, I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be painful sacrifices. I knew my personal life would be put on hold and become second to the people I would now live with. I expected it so much that it was surprising not to be as extreme as it could have been.
Where has that gone?
Now it's easy to be selfish and cling tightly.
And so a Chevelle song came to me and I had to pray it out at work and then later on when I got home. The chorus channeled was:
"I want to fight I want to fight I want to prove I'm right. I want to fight I want to fight so turn and forfeit."

I focused on a passage in James 3 today about the wisdom that comes from heaven.

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."

And I feel so caught right now. I want the freedom to have alternative opinions on things like prayer, but I want to be submissive/yielding. So I need to pray.

Goings On

So I worked a 12 1/2 hour day today. The last couple hours were actually the best though. And hours are a good thing when money is especially desirable as it is right now. So my question for you all instead of, "what's new?" or "how are you doing?" is:

What have you been spending money on lately?

It's bound to get different results and a unique perspective on what you've been up to of late.
No that wasn't a general statement, you should call me or leave a comment or email me.

Speaking of calling, not having a phone book is driving me a little bit crazy, but just you wait, I'm going to add a column to the right with my birthday wish list complete with appropriate links - but not tonight. Because even though I'm not going to change my trend of not going to bed before midnight (I've done it every day since last Thursday, and it could be longer - I just can't specifically recall any further back than that, edit: last Tuesday was part of the streak and I don't remember being any smarter the next day...), I still need to get a little bit of sleep before I get up early to get an oil change before heading off to plan Trevor's bachelor party with Jono. I wrote out a to-do list tonight. The thing has just been mental for the last couple weeks and it's made me go a little mental, possibly because it has over 30 items on it. I can't keep up with my thoughts. The dots aren't all connecting. Up above I didn't explain how getting a used cell phone like my last one will be on my wish-list.

Yesterday I felt the tiredness. I had woken up at about 4 AM mysteriously and didn't get back to sleep. I was a zombie getting ready, was almost half an hour late for work, and didn't really wake up until 10:30 or so. After that I started having the most wonderful time. I put on a mix CD RJ gave me and it put me into a grandish mood and I got into the flow of things work wise too. Then I threw on an old mix CD and it made me remember the simple things and how much I enjoy music, and it made me pray a lot. Things however took a different turn about 3 PM. I had only hit a couple of snags at work by then but then I did something stupid while going quickly. It was one of those things where you question it mentally while you're doing it but you're in a hurry and before your brain can tell you no it's already happened. So that's how I ended up puncturing/smashing my left middle fingernail with a hammer-tacker (it's like a heavy duty stapler with a handle). There was no duct tape on my mouth for that one, because how could I get my finger in there to suck all the blood that way? It all went downhill from there with glitch after glitch, slowing things down and making me angry and then I get all upset about being upset and I'm half-trying to pray through the whole thing and at one point I can't believe the intensity of how angry I'm getting and almost cry. Then I went to my parents' and relaxed all night with my family and my visiting aunt & uncle and Sherry. So a fair bit of mood swings that day.

I was amused reading my last entry (from 2 AM I might point out) because you could quite easily take all the fish stuff and over-analyze phrases like "those people" and think the italics means a kind of glowering tone; "aren't especially keen about storing up potential energy very long" and think I'm getting cabin fever; and "violently thrash about, clearly because they want to have some final fun before they die" and think I'm getting the movie-popular commitment claustrophobia.
Anyway, none of those were cognizant at the time, nor are they true. I was just being silly.

Sherry asked me what attracted me to her in the first place the other day. That's a rather difficult question given it would require going back 3 years, but I was thinking about it Thursday on my break and remembered going to the girls' house for a bread & wine night with Epic together with Faye (it might have been on my mind because Dave said, "to hell with the devil," on Tuesday night at Andy's party and it reminded me of how he was talking about Stryper with Rachel at church one night and I spontaneously screamed that line with incredible volume and shrillness. I haven't even heard Stryper do it, but I've heard Five Iron Frenzy's tribute and I thought that was hilarious. Dave then threated to kill me if I ever did that again so when he was leaving the bread & wine night me and Faye ran over to the door and screamed it out at him as he was going to his car. Yes, I'm still alive today).
So why think about this night in regards to Sherry? Well I don't have any specific memories about her from then actually (although it seems to me that I wrote some sort of journal entry about the evening stating that she cried while we were praying about the Joel passage about the locust army that Pam read). But the lack of specific memories is what's significant here. I have thousands of detailed specific memories about Sherry. And while I may have her deluded into thinking I have an awesome memory, I realize that it's because having her around instantly triggers my brain to sense something great is happening and attention is exponentially heightened. It's interesting because I can remember Sherry and Laura coming over to RJ's for brunch (we loved throwing brunches, and the details for that are exquisite, I can recall the waffles and the lighting in the kitchen and the smell of frying pork and the colours of the fruit and the taste of the yogurt. I can recall the conversations too, such as Sherry discussing what she'd been considering for work for the summer (it was spring) for which the key appealing factors were physical activity and sunshine. OK so I can't recall a single thing RJ said, but I can recall that I was excited about Sherry coming over, which I suppose isn't very hard to surmise since I just said it was spring and I already figured out I told RJ in the fall. But if I told him in the fall - Septemberish to be more specific - then she got my attention while I was living at home. But how did she even have opportunity to get my attention since we didn't hang out what so ever?
So the Bread & Wine evening, which can be placed very close to the approximate time period of awareness, could have been an observational occasion. Could have been the occasion. If so, what attracted me then? Her personality of course. And I don't think her personality's changed since then. It's the hundred normal insignificant things she does in any given hour that easily identify her as Sherry and no one else. It's when she says, "whoopsies."
While I was camping on the not-as-long-as-I'd-have-liked Labour Day weekend Meg mentioned a book called, He's Just Not That Into You, or something along those lines. I've never read it but I like the title (yes clearly I like it so much I'm not even sure I have it correct).
Maybe it's just me coming from an entire family of chivalry appreciatives but it struck me that you should have someone you don't have to do anything to impress. You just being you is all that's necessary to make them crazy about you.

While I was in BC we hiked up to see Bridal Falls. It only took 5 minutes to get there. It seemed bizarre to me. How can something this beautiful and impressive require such little effort to reach? Along the way Sherry pointed out different plants and told me stories and it was just too much. Having hung out with her for a week straight, I was slightly overwhelmed and I couldn't help but blurt out, "Sherry, you're awesome." It confronted me everywhere we went and there was always some new way for it to display itself.

On the drive home Sherry was telling me about what a smart guy had been telling her about the original Hebrew in the creation account in Genesis. Something along the lines of God creating man in his image and then making them male and female and the specific line about marriage and how marriage (the two halves united) is a more perfect picture of God's image. It's two (re)becoming one. And Ephesians talks about that too. We are Christ's bride. And Jesus prays for that kind of unity in John 17.

And I was a bit bewildered trying to imagine it all. Most of the time it's really easy to accept that God adores every little thing about me. But then when I'm freaking out at work, it gets slightly more difficult. And it's after I'm cooled down a little bit and talking to him that it almost freaks me out. Because I'm starting to see it.

Sherry made insecure comments about her 'strong likes and dislikes' pertaining to food (or simply pickiness which spellcheck is begging me to change to finickiness but it doesn't even recognize spellcheck so what does it know?)' several times during the week in BC and it was cute. As if that could annoy me, it's part of her charm.
I fell head-over-heels for her last fall and it flabbergasts her a bit because she was all stressed out then and 'not at her best'. But she's always the best.

Sherry by the way is fantastic at coming up with great ways to steal my heart more. I've wanted to read the Bible chronologically for years and years now and not only did she leave one for me on my desk but she put notes on it.
And she dresses up so that Pam prays for me because I'll need extra self-control. Silly Pam, Sherry's always got her eyes and they're enough all on their own to keep mine.

Anyway it's 1:13 AM and this could keep going on and on, but suffice to say that God is romantic, and that is a sign and wonder to contemplate and blush at.

Which Do You Prefer: Stage, or Phase?

What does enmeshing mean? Well I have a dictionary, not even the on-line one, and it says, “ensnare in or as in a net.”

I returned from a holiday in BC where I had the unlikely chance to go drift-net fishing. This was an experience for a couple reasons, but I would like to highlight that it was fun seeing how Jesus' disciples might have caught fish. The fact that tiny plastic fibres could trap fish was rather intriguing too.

Today I didn't see Sherry and it felt backwards. I had decided I wanted to go visit my family and after I mentioned it, she later told someone else that she would be around the house for the evening. And at first I thought, how sad that she doesn't want to come too (yes I know I hadn't specifically invited her) but then it struck me that I really had become one of those people.

When you ask those people what they're doing they need to check. No not their calendar, or in Andy's case his diary, but with someone else. And no they're not checking to see if they have a previous engagement like they would if they were checking their calendar. They're checking to see if someone else would enjoy the proposed event. Well why should that matter? You ask, and didn't they see each other every single day just last week?

Yes I too might be bewildered by such phenomenon except that I witnessed fish who, like myself, aren't especially keen about storing up potential energy very long. These fish when finding themselves stuck in nets, proceed to violently thrash about, clearly because they want to have some final fun before they die. Upon drawing the net out, you now have the pleasure of trying to untangle the fish, who has gone to great lengths to make sure he is thoroughly joined to the net. It's not so bad. If it weren't like that, you would get hungry and maybe your children would starve. Since they're joined, the fish goes where the net does, and you've got the net.

Rapt

"Girls who love God are powerfully attractive, to the point of being intimidating."

This statement is akin to the stereotypical male reaction to a 'hot girl'. He proceeds to become tongue-tied, self-conscious,awkward, foolish, etc.

But it also speaks of an intense awareness that should lead to caution. When a girl is that awesome, if you get close, your emotions will get entangled; it will be difficult to remain casual, objective, nonchalant. Your eyes will be glued to this person who almost seems to glow with God's presence, and that's not relaxing.

Are you still intimidating?

You've still got my focus.

The Numbers Don't Add Up

So I'd like to start off by dedicating this post to number enthusiasts. Yes revel, math geeks, revel in your moment of glorified attention.

In the last four days, on average, I have worked precisely double the time I have slept. That's good because if I hadn't had the last two days to balance things out it would be triple.
I estimate that on average I have eaten 100 raisins per day in the last four.
In only the last two days I have eaten an average of 1/3 a watermelon per day.

OK I'm bored of that game.

As I mentioned I've been working what used to be standard summer hours, and I'm not minding it. Sunny and twenties - fresh air, joisting a floor or building walls, Sherry's in BC, who wouldn't?
Now this could be important because I've decided I WILL be set up to record music this September.
First I need to consult a techie/musician and tell them what I want to do, then I need to go shopping. And if it's required, I will buy it. I will not back down from a Mac purchase if that is what is required. I will not cringe at the heart-stopping price difference of a laptop over a desktop if that's what must be. I will slave away building houses until I can make music.
There is much more to take into consideration than just what can I buy - such as how will I actually learn how to use these purchases?
Tutorials!
I've done them, I've loved them, I will find them again.
So I'd like to announce that I'm going back to school.
I am a student once more.
And the first thing I'll have to learn is how to fight to protect this.
And memories return.
Memories of telling Andrew Gingrich I need to quit guitar lessons because I'm failing miserably at practicing daily and I'm just wasting his time - but he encouraged me and I kept going and got so so so much further.
Memories of explaining my dream of becoming a professional musician to Andrew and how God had called me to quit my job and live off my school savings. Asking him so many questions. How did it jive with his marriage? - with his relationship with God?
And he had good answers.
And I'm not saying I'm going there. I still don't have any intention of being a professional musician. That still feels cruel. Kyle asked me about that the other night. He wanted to make sure I wasn't intent on becoming an artist for money because he doesn't like having starving friends. Lucky for him I don't like starving.

Oh by the way Mute Math is coming to Calgary in September! Go buy tickets!

More memories. I remember having coffee or something along those lines with Kelly Grant and he was talking about someone else but he might as well have been talking about me (hmm kind of like a conversation I had with Sherry where I was talking about me but she took it all aimed at her). "He's got all these passions - he just needs to figure out a way of making money with them"
My passions don't make money. Only people who double as clever salesmen or find one to exploit them get to do that.
And I suppose if I was just concerned with me I would go find a more suitable job to pay bills while I do something I care about. I could be a postman! But instead I'm a funny sort of missionary and I won't apologize for that.

Have I ever told you about how I like people who talk about going on all sorts of adventures all the time?
RJ is one such person. He would go on Mediterranean trips every year all over the world (yes I know the Mediterranean isn't moving around - it was a figure of speech) if he had his way. He would go pray for Malta for a month if he had been the one talking to Marty instead of me. He could have unlimited time off work and adjustable and hence dispensable hours at work to serve his whims, and he would have independently wealthy friends who have large investments with interest and dividends that are partially donated to people who could creatively spend them. Or just spend them. I mean there's always people asking you to go out to movies and dinner and you have to be social right? And there's always stores with clothes that would make you look nice and you can't go around naked right? And hey you're being given money by generous people, you can't just go around being selfish either, so you'd best be covering people around you for such things too.

So all of that sounded just like a rant by someone who hates spending money and is careful about it. But I'm not, and no, the numbers don't add up. So RJ came up with the idea of giving ourselves monthly allowances. I'm sure I spent quadruple mine.

Timing kills me too. I haven't even been to the Farmer's Market this summer. I want to have a salsa-making party. I haven't touched the book I started reading in weeks. But hey, I need to go rock-climbing and hiking and camping and biking and rafting and volunteering and dancing and family-visiting and writing and tennis-playing and trampolining and do-I-have-to-I-suppose-it-feels-better-if-I-do sleeping, and choring, and chore shirking, and right now I have to go fold laundry before I get some sleep before I wake up, go grocery shopping, and spend all day at Nathan & Lauren's to help them out with their film, then go get some more sleep, before I pack for BC, then go pick up Faye and head out to hang out with my Grandparents (and interview them - mostly because I want to - but should this continue, could be the beginnings of a book idea I have) before coming home to sleep again before going to work and then coming home, showering and leaving with Pam for BC to hang out with Sherry at her family's for a week - where there will be, if my guessing is any good, laking and cooking and friend-meeting and praying and story-telling, and joking, and fish-gutting/freezing/packing and lots of breathing, mmmm, breathing, because I won't be home, I can't find me, I can't guilt me or tire me or busy me and there will be a fabulous girl there who is really really good at making me breathe (well except for when she's making me catch my breath).
And don't feel the need to read into this because it's overly dramatic and really I'm just sitting here tired, not stressed, or frustrated. Goodnight.

Taking Some Space

Hello, it's Sunday afternoon. The sun is shining and if you asked me how I am, I'd probably tell you good. I've just run out of anything to give. It will come back, but for now I've gone into hiding because the thought of most people's voices is daunting. If I'm smart, and I'm going to fight to be, I'll go to bed at 9:00. If I was smarter I'd stay home all afternoon hiding and not even think about going over to my parent's house for dinner. We have lots of people over from church which would normally be exciting and delightful, but sadly I just couldn't handle that right now. Thankfully they're in the front yard or somewhere - I don't know - but it's quiet in my room.

Kevin and Angela were married yesterday. It was glorious. It was hard to get rid of the smile on my face all day. God was definitely not playing hide and seek - it's always fun when he's close and loud and won't go away. Yes he still got me to cry a little.

Now I suppose I could write a very lengthy entry about the whole thing - but I'm tired and before I forget things, I want to try and write about the prayer that happened at the conclusion of the evening.

Now for some reason I think there was 3 passages involved and I can only remember 2 which is unfortunate at the moment.

But between Andy, RJ, Sherry, Pam, Kirk - we should be able to remember more.

But here you go:

Psalm 144:1 (Whole Chapter)
[ [A Psalm] of David. ] BLESSED BE the Lord, my Rock and my keen and firm Strength, Who teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight--

Proverbs 18:21:
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Now I don't actually remember what was said about my hands of war - except that studying passages today (there's two more) it suddenly connected back to previous words about prophetic music.

The death and life in the power of the tongue has been a recurring theme in my life so long that I probably don't even notice it as having unique ramifications for me. God frequently prompts me to say prayers out loud. God frequently chides me when my mouth is used to curse (because it is frequently used that way) - because my tongue has power and I am responsible for what I do with it.
I am very conscious of what I say and what is said at all by anyone - which is why I have such a good memory for conversations. It's why lyrics in music are so important to me. It's why I pause and search for words when you ask me how my day was (last Monday for example was unmotivated and arduous). It's why I'm particular about accuracy in retelling of stories. I've done studies and studies and studies all my life, on my own, about blessings and curses - about speaking and the tongue - about encouragement and building up.

Anyway there was more. There was a picture of me painting a very large canvas. And every time I splashed more colour on it (did you notice that - colour - God made me LOVE colour - sorry) what I painted came to life. Now my paintbrush was my tongue, my words.

Also, the frame for this painting was the body of Christ, the church. And it was broken, separated. As I painted it, it came together. Now the size of this frame was large enough to represent a nation, my nation, Canada.

FAMILY was a word and it was a big one. Hence the capitals. God has heard my prayers. There will be household salvation (Sweet!!!!)

Work - God put me there for a purpose but I won't be there any longer than 2 years. He will be phasing out my role. (Hallelujah! I really need to continue to pray and trust God with that because I ran so far with that one in a few seconds it was crazy)

I am a source of strength for many but I need to remain filled by God to continue in that (I know what you're thinking: duh... but obviously there was a reason God said that so don't mock him).

And that's all I can remember for the moment.
As for other people, I remember lots of things for them, and Sherry in particular I received specific things for and need to do some reading, studying and praying.

Church was great this morning. Oh how I'd missed worshiping with a drum set (some day I'll play drums - just you wait) and very quickly discerned that God was eager for a little dance action and I tried to tell him that I didn't have any moves and maybe he should wait until I learn some but he very swiftly responded with a reminder to be faithful with small things or there will be no learning bigger things, so I got out and enjoyed it. My history with dancing came back to me while out there. Going to camp and singing music that you just can't stand still for - lots of jumping around. Going to rock concerts and getting in the pit. Taking guitar lessons and coming home with the groove of the music lodged in my brain and dancing about in the kitchen. Kyle giving me a funk mix CD and having post Christmas dinner silliness with my sisters in the kitchen. Going to Converge and God steadily prompting me to burst out in some rather chaotic movement. Having dance parties at RJ's. House-sitting for people who have big, slippery, wooden floors. So many times, prayer becomes action for me. And dancing has mostly been that way. It's a tie to the music and my spirit, and more importantly God's spirit.

Anyways, as much as I wish (for all things) that I'm getting better, and am not, I still enjoy moving during worship (and still observe the unchanging and predictable song dynamic of certain people - but whatever).

So let's remember this - I still have TWO rock star drinks in collection now that have been sitting and sitting and sitting for more than 2 years now waiting for me to do a concert.

7 Minutes To Write

Then it's midnight.

So today I got rather stressed, well, not the rather, but stressed, about all the prep I have to do for camping this weekend and all the obstacles in the way. To relieve this, I have friends, who will help me, by getting me to stay up late and watch Hot Fuzz (and give me a meal itinerary and loan me camping supplies). And hmmm, five minutes to talk as fast as I can when I haven't blogged in ages and all you're going to get is rubbish. How about this. Jason, thanks for the use of your ipod, I finally used it today, driving home, because I finally got a cord to hook it into my car. I had hoped the cord would also allow me to listen to it at work this week while Kyle is gone but no such luck the aux input on the stereo is stupid. The drive home was great, just on shuffle and hearing songs I haven't in a very long time and couldn't predict. PAX 217 was my favourite surprise, the Ipod's favourite was Guardian since they played them twice.
I read Psalm 119 last night. Well actually I didn't finish. I didn't intend to ready very much at all but it kept me going with all its goodness. I read it in the amplified version at work and it wasn't the same - so much tediousness with all the extra details that it lost all the flow and heart, but there were some very interesting things that I noted of significance. "Observe" as in 'observe the law' means so much more, and even "the law" in some situations in the text is meant to be taken as the entire will of God that has been revealed. Which is very personal right now because I have quite a long list of things I know God's revealed to me, and that is almost worth celebrating considering just a very short while ago I stopped eating for a little bit wanting very much to hear him speak. I must be hearing him speak at least a little bit more if I'm picking up on his will. And the grandish part is that it would be a terrible way to measure it anyway because so much more is for other people.
12:02 I'm already late by two minutes.
God bless.
Oh and I've loved - and I mean LOVED reading this last little while too. I've started two (and finished one) books that have both been so much fun reading. Not only are they 'grave' (the french word for gravity that means deep/serious-without the not-fun connotation - because they're definitely fun) but they're so cleverly written. It makes me remember what I enjoy about creative writing. So if you have the chance I recommend It's All Downhill From Here (or something like that) by Andrew Schwab - the vocalist of Project 86, and some new novel by Randy Alcorn, who still includes his little snippits of heaven, but at least so far they've been short and infrequent. Why don't I like them? Well I suppose they convey truths or whatever about it but they're so TERRIBLY dry like cardboard. God has such a flat personality as do everyone else - ugh! Anyway, I'm impressed that the main character is an alcoholic, and I'm impressed with all the infectious writing tone - it makes me wonder how he disconnects. Whatever, I'm writing for myself right now since you won't have a clue what I'm talking about and I'm not explaining it well. 12:08 AM goodnight

Moments With God

So, it's been a while, and the while has been eventful, and full, and thus I haven't been informing you about it.

Some random thoughts:

For some people, it is the small things that don't matter, and won't be remembered, that mean the most. I thought, how strange a thing is that? But then I thought of my relationship with God. He almost always claims the "favourite part of my day" with just 5 minutes. And I don't remember them for very long, a day or two perhaps, then they disappear. And yet, I suspect they do not disappear at all. They are gradually shaping my spirit, and then my heart and mind and behaviour.

Yesterday's was probably less than 2 minutes. Andy and I were chatting with Sherry (yes the interview/interrogation or whatever you wish the moniker to be). And they both left for just a couple minutes, to grab water or go to the bathroom or whatever. And right away I began praying and God grabbed my heart in his hands and I was in tears. The prayer was of the thankful, loving sort, nothing complicated.
Then they were back and it was over.
Actually there were 3 yesterday. In the morning, I began to have strange thoughts about RJ, and I stopped right away and paid attention to them, and then God revealed that they weren't actually my thoughts at all. They were in fact thoughts that Satan would or was trying to attack RJ with. So I prayed immediately and on break I called him to warn/encourage him (I almost forgot but God reminded me).
And lastly, right before I went to bed, God had me practicing confrontation again. No passivity for me. It was a case of a friend's activity which was brought up in conversation (yes he was there - it wasn't gossip). However this particular activity is not very biblical, but it was treated very casually. And so a quick mental struggle ensued.
You need to say something.
Yeah but I don't want to judge him, it's for moments like these that I'm around to give grace.
Yes and good, but you have permission to bring it up.
So 2 quick questions and a spoken extension of grace and I was asleep.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have a family reunion this weekend. It should be grand.

Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

Quarter to two, Friday night, long weekend, where do we find Nolan but inside his bedroom. Did he just return from a party perhaps? Yes he did... A cleaning party! That's right while putting away the laundry he finished this evening, he finally had the surge of energy to clean out his closet in its entirety, and then move onto his desk and room in general. It's beautiful. And now he will go to bed and get a nice 8 hours of sleep before a promising Saturday with less to visually remind him that he is disorganized and behind on projects. What could tomorrow hold I wonder. A bike ride? Sunshine? A movie with friends? Some time writing music? That question mark on the last one had better not be. I scheduled it in as important. 2 hours on Saturday. It must be.

Mosly Sentimental

First of all, you should all look to the right at my links and find Faye's name and click on it. Then you should read a stunning poem about rain. Second of all, it was fitting to read it today after jumping on the trampoline in the rain. Today I started to get into impatience mode after 30 minutes of driving home. The last 15 were less cool, even though Michael Buble was still playing (I've been listening to Sherry's CDs all week).
So I got home, washed my hands and immediately set about preparing supper, which wasn't ready until almost 7:30. It turned out pretty well although I subjected everyone to raised metabolisms again because while trying to pour ground pepper out of a plastic bag, too much fell out.
Mexican & Indian and I wore my sombrero, after I showered, dressed, and 'primped' in 7 minutes. And then I had to leave. It was hot and noisy in the house and I was still in overdrive despite feeling exhausted all morning from lack of sleep (poor decision? no). So I went outside to the trampoline. Yes (rolling eyes) on a full stomach. Does that make it harder? I don't know, I suspect when my stomach started to hurt it was because I'm not in shape, not because I was exercizing. As I recall the whole swimming after eating thing was a myth. Anyway, physical activity is fun, because you can press through when it hurts or when you get tired. I don't know if today's was fun though, as much as calming and emptying. Eventually I took a two minute break and lay down. And then a bird I've never heard before started calling, so I called back, until it wouldn't reply anymore. Then I started jumping again, until the rain started falling. Hooray! How joyous! I was even responsible enough to throw my shirt and sombrero in the house. I had been praying earlier, but more of a breathing cycle, poetic phrasing sort of prayer. The rain was good. It made the trampoline heavy. It left amusing design imprints when I would land on my stomach.
Sherry is home. She arrived Tuesday night. I was off by an hour. I heard the garage door open and jumped out of bed to look outside but saw Jamie's car and assumed it was him. It was not, which was actually what I couldn't help but lie there and suspect. So when there was a knock on my door I jumped out in a flash and threw on some pyjamas before throwing open the door and knocking Sherry out, and making her nose bleed profusely.

Just kidding.
I was a little excited and almost picked her up to throw her through the ceiling but she latched her legs around me and prevented the whole thing. So instead I settled for hugs and resettling 'the spot' in the kitchen, and her head beeing snugged under my chin, and space seizing embraces that say I want you closest.
And after 7 weeks without a glimpse, I was stunned again to see how vibrant she is. How much life her eyes emanate. How absolutely beautiful she is.
Earlier that evening Kirk was over and talked about the eventuality of finding a wife and why that's appealing. He spoke of the intimacy hoped for. The intimacy built on being best friends. Sure he has deep meaningful relationships now, but the time spent with those people is scattered. To have a best friend to grow together with... And I stopped short in amazement, because for years that's how my life has been. Weeks and weeks in between visits with friends though I love them all. But what sort of gift do I now have?
And so I end up praying prayers asking kindly that he would make me into the kind of man she deserves, and I'm sure there's R&B and country songs that do the same, but that's not why.

I learned how to say, "I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you. Come home." in French one evening with Pam and Damien. And when I finally had the chance I couldn't remember it because I didn't have it written down with me. Kind of like right now. Je t'aime, je monk. Je ne vitre pas something or another. I'll have to go downstairs and edit this later. Anyway, Sherry quipped that of course I could, since I had the whole time she was gone. But I didn't believe her. Because how can you say I lived without her when she's always there in my head. When every day I got off early seemed confusing because she wouldn't be home to say, "You're home early." When daily memories would still make me catch my breath.

Goodnight.

AM

Dear Jesus, I woke up earlier today for morning prayer and then got busy with a bunch of errands but I've still got 20 minutes! So I wanted to pray about some of the things you've been up to.
I praise you for last Wednesday night. You were nothing short of incredible and I ate it up! The challenge though was why not more often?
Why do I stay in the first stages of what you revealed?
Why is it that most of the time you're showing me things and speaking, but I miss them? even though I'm conscious of you all the time...
I'm not sure this is the answer, but talking with Jamie yesterday morning was helpful. To try out a simple version of what he shared, and list what is important to me and schedule it in.
It was good to stop, and change the list of what was important into what you've specifically called me to so far.
From that list it was easy to see that most of them get covered quite naturally, but two will be hard and require discipline and work to implement. So God I pray for those two because I suspect they are key to perceiving and understanding what you are doing and saying.
Please Jesus please...
Help me to make solitary time with you in the morning. Help me to be fair and start gradually. Help me to be wise and get enough sleep to be alert. Help me to be disciplined and always persevere.
Help me to make time to write music. Thank you so much for the inspiration that springs up so often, but it's difficult to capture it. And I still don't know what to do about that. I guess I can only try.
Thanks again for pretty skies, and family, and celebrations, and Mexican traditions of slamming faces into cakes while they blow out candles, green growth, herbal gifts, phone calls, work, rest, peaceful drives, music in the car, Melanie across the Ocean, and summer time. I love you lots. You always make me smile too and I notice it now. Super big grins that can't easily be wiped off, several times a day, and I feel you stirring inside me. I like it a lot. It delights me.

Of late

The last while. Oh the last while. My mind has been swimming in the ocean. Have you done that? It's hard work and oh so tiring and you can be carried along in the direction of its desire rather than what yours might be.
I've been working longer hours and that's been a little taxing. And running around crazy like always and so last weekend I took a breather. It was rather strange. Saturday was so dark, even though there were little, yet strong moments of sunshine. I went outside and read on the front steps from a picture-filled story-telling journal Sherry left me. It was grandish. Then I had a nap in the sun for a tiny bit and got up and went in to the house and barely made it 5 steps before I knew I should re-direct to the couch before I crashed. I woke up at 5:30. I was still drained, just more awake, and so I hung out in my room, catching up on a few of my projects. I made myself a very very late supper of chicken strips and onion rings, and listened to a CD while I fell asleep.

Sunday I woke up a little bit rough, but it was so different. I had energy and motivation and got so much done and was joyful, and then I got a trampoline! I also had evening prayer with Andy and Pam and that was great. It was a sharp turning point. While we were waiting for Andy, I asked Pam if she would pray for me and Sherry. It felt like such a strange thing to ask because I didn't really understand why. So Pam started praying and every word was important and Andy came in half way through and looked up 1 Peter 1 and read it to me. And I wasn't sure about the significance at the time. Or what was behind it, even though he prayed to go along with it. I did know that something immediately shifted in my spirit that night.

I was bursting to talk to Sherry. Which was cool in an odd way. She's been really going after me to talk more, and now I had lots I couldn't wait to say, which actually, is how I usually am. I'm always getting excited about things and telling people. But it's not like yay, now I can solve Sherry needing me to talk more, it was, hmm, pure? good? right? Some word like those.
Challengingly I knew I was booked for the first half of the week. Monday I went over to my parents' to hang out with my family. Tuesday I went out to Cochrane. Wednesday I again hung out with my family. We watched Pirates 3. They've been trying for weeks to match schedules to watch a movie together and equally importantly, Melanie was leaving the next day for her big trip and I really wanted to be there and bon voyage her and pray and give her a hug and such things. I'd actually gotten off work early Wednesday due to the weather and so I tried to call Sherry then but alas she was out at a cafe. Instead I finished my week of prayer stuff.

Thursday. Finally. By now I couldn't believe the week. Amidst all the busyness, God had taken whatever he planted on Sunday and it had grown much larger. Andy's passage got into my spirit and yet again God taught me and showed me and shared the love between me and him and then connected it to Sherry. And it felt like the grinch christmas cartoon heart phenomenon, except mine was in no way small to begin with.
I was ridiculously impatient to get the work day over in the afternoon which had to be watched carefully since there was some frustrations going on and so I was prone to ugliness. Driving home was also increasingly impatient and again, please Nolan, calm down. So I got home and showered and snatched the phone much to Pam and Rebekah's amusement since apparently I was looking good, and maybe Sherry would see it through the phone... But no answer.

Supper was pleasant. Then we went out to DQ and began RJ's D&G. Driving home was fun. Then we continued the D&G after RJ with Pam. Pam is great. So is Ang, who had the perfect response. Then we got to pray. Which was super cool. I couldn't wait for each person to pray. Although while praying for the Blocks I ended up feeling a little, hmm, not out of place, but out of time. As if I wasn't connecting right now, but I would (which I did, the next morning on the way to work). After prayer, RJ asked me if I would cut his hair, which I was perfectly happy to do, but he could see the hesitation in my face, and I told him I wanted to try calling Sherry again, even though it was now quarter to eleven in Quebec. RJ and Andy were both great since they both agreed with me that calling anyway was fine. And so I started with her cell so as to avoid waking other people up, kind of, but no, and then the home phone which only gave me a machine again. And I left a brief message which wasn't very good, but I didn't want to talk to the machine. So then I went and well, then I ate several cookies and jumped on the trampoline a while and then came back and cut RJ's hair which was fun. Then I stayed up late with Andy going over french again.

Friday I was tired and ended up 15 min late to work and in my rush, I locked my keys in my car. So stupid, in a funny laughing at myself sort of way. AMA gave me a 300 minute, yes 5 hour estimate, which meant 3:00. Well I guess I'll be fasting today God. Watch over me because being light-headed and weak while working on the roof seems rather perilous. Kyle however insisted on buying me something when he returned after first break so we went to Tim Horton's and I got a chili & bun. AMA got there before second break after all so I got to eat the tasty salad I'd made myself and yummy yogurt and grapefruit. Then I was lying there and made up a little song in my head with the french words stuck in my head from the day before. Then I realized, I need to write this down because it's fun and I'll never remember it otherwise. So I did. When I came home, I needed to shower and clean up right away to get over to Jono's birthday bbq on time, but who was I kidding? I missed Sherry, and tried to call again. Nope, so off to the BBQ I went. It was so much fun. Smiles and jokes and good food and company all night long. Stayed late and then returned to get some sleep before getting up early to help Ian build a fence in the morning.

No materials so we stalled and went out for breakfast and then hung out and chatted. Ian's such a cool guy. I felt really bad for him, because like it always seems to go with construction, things went wrong and there were lots of annoying snags. Tomorrow after church I will go help him finish before coming home for dinner and the would-be final chapter of D&G. He was talking about how it's been really hard for him and Monica (his wife) to connect for the last while. It's always disarming in a way talking with Ian. He always says a lot of things that make a terrible amount of sense but I don't always have permission to pursue. Lots of other good things that I should do, but yeah wisdom comes out of that boy's mouth - God bless it.

Went off to Jeana's baby shower with RJ. Got to have a great ride out with him. The shower was good. It was fun writing a message in the cover of the children's book I got for Rylee. I thought it was bizarre when one of Jeana's friends saw it and made some comment about it being the best thing she'd ever read like that. Most of it was silly but there was some serious stuff at the end which was mostly a prayer. Oh God, draw her to your heart.

Yay. Then it was off to Jenn's for Ang & Kevin's engagement party the second, of a few. More good times. Chats with several people and great food and then RJ drove us home to relax because we were both quite tired out. And then I blogged. And I suppose I didn't include a great many things I was thinking about this week. So I didn't share the ocean after all, but what can I say, it's an ocean, and I'm sure you have your own, and I need to go to sleep.
God bless Kirk as he speaks tomorrow. Take away the confusing distraction of messy assurance/confidence. Instead bless him as his heart, so closely tied to yours, comes eloquently off his tongue and graces us hearers.

YES! Damien just called, well actually first Erin called, and then 3 minutes later he did, but they both wanted to know the same thing, if the girls made it home OK since they took the wrong turn (they were fine). And so I finally got to find out a nice way of asking for Sherry on the phone in French.

Es ce que je peux parle a Sherry s'il vous plait?

I miss her tellement

Rant

So today someone asked me if I minded if they smoked a cigar. And I told them not to worry about it. Do I mind? Well yes. I have a very very strong gut level aversion to smoking of all forms. However for a long time I've had the intention to look into the health facts of cigars and shisha vs cigarettes, not because I was interested in starting either, but just because I didn't know. So today I did, and was horrified about the shisha and definitely not impressed with the cigars. So from a more knowledgeable standing, I hate it.
I hate it.
And it irks me, because in the past being in smoky places, has bothered me strongly, but I've done it anyway, especially if it's friends. But really a loud voice yells inside with startling intensity. And it's hard especially with some good friends and good people who enjoy it. But, it's also hard to have relatives die from second-hand smoke cancer and leave behind their wife and three young kids. And an uncle truck driver to have tongue cancer.

While those things are disturbing, it's not what drives the outrage. I think it stems straight from heart-breaking self-destruction, that affects the people around you, and then treating it so lightly. It's fun. It smells good. The buzz. It's not that bad. Fuck you.
That was honest. But it's not good either. Perhaps it's as bad as what I'm so angry about. And it's confusing because I clearly care about you if I get riled enough to be like that. Appropriate response though?

The Ordinary and the Ridiculous

This is what I submitted for my 'week of prayer'. The people in the Urban Monastery have been taking turns being in charge of a week of prayer and it has taken several different forms. I actually went out and got temporary tattoos for everyone as a visual reminder to pray through these things. Obviously you don't have to do everything. It's an inspirational starting point. The days aren't in a specific order so if you want you can re-arrange them ahead of time if you know which they might suit.

Day MMMMMmmmm:

Music – Listen to a CD, or the radio, or yourself singing. Listen while you are driving, or working, or standing in the kitchen. Pray. Dance, Jesus will love it. Pay attention to the lyrics – pray in response: emotional intercession or romantic praise or quizzical musings. Ignore the lyrics (or make up your own) – thank God for great music and pray for the musician

Read 13 verses (M is the 13^th letter in the alphabet) from any of Malachi, 13 words Melchizadek said, or 13 poems about the Moon. You can even read 13 pages from a book you're already reading. Pray. Make an improvised over-dramatic play to illustrate what you read. Re-read it with silly (or morose) voices until you smile (or cry), Jesus will too, I promise.

Movie – Watch a movie, by yourself or with friends. At the theatres or in your basement. Eating popcorn or sitting upside down. Pray. Who do the characters remind you of? Which pair of shoes do you think God liked the best? Was there any social injustices you can cry about?

Eat a muffin. Experience God's kingdom come to earth as it is in heaven. Thank God for blueberries or chocolate or zucchini or bananas and whoever made the muffins and for their eye colour, because it's rather grand of God to make different eye colours.

Responsibility Day:

Cooking – Pick up groceries, browse through a cookbook, cut your finger chopping onions, yell when you burn dinner. Pray. Thank God you get to eat food every day. Thank God that sometimes you don't have to cook your own meals and that other people do it for you. Thank God you still have all your fingers. Thank God that he doesn't get too scared while you yell and scream and that he still loves you.

Cleaning – Wipe the counter, vacuum your car, iron your kitten's shirt, discover the floor. Pray. Take a picture, it might never be clean again, and then ask God if he did that before he made pigeons. Ask God to bless whomever might be appreciative that you're cleaning. Ask God to bless children in orphanages who might never get to be clean and to bless parents who adopt. Pray for protection against the toxins in the vim you're still using up before you switch over to Andrea's Mamoomka brand.

Errands – Do something on your to-do list. Get an oil change. File something. Go shopping. Prepare a week of prayer with multi-colours and dollar-store give-aways. Pray. Thank God that he is with you, holding your hand, keeping you company, watching over you. Tell him you can't wait until heaven when you get to be married. Offer him a treat, perhaps a coffee slurpee? You can't see him? Well fine, give it to that guy washing people's windows. He's busy? Fine, invite him over for dinner later.

Pretty Bum Day:

Walk or bike somewhere instead of driving. The bank, the store, JLYS, the backyard. Pray. Thank God for the smells, the sunshine (or the rain). Pray for shops and homes you pass. Smile and say hello and God bless to people you pass. Listen. Ask God to speak about the UM. Ask him for someone to focus on for a week.

Go to the gym, or a pilates class, or a non-spectating sporting event. Do an extra lap, or 10 push-ups before you go to bed. Pray. Thank God that life is a struggle. Thank God that he made you beautiful and that you haven't contracted diabetes yet from eating 6 cookies when you got home yesterday. Speaking of which...

Make a healthier food choice. Eat porridge without sugar. Eat a salad with lots of vegetables. Skip desert. Drink water instead of juice. Pray. Thank God that you don't always get what you want. Contemplate that most people don't. Thank God for will-power to resist, sin and chocolate bunnies. .

The Day of Chill:

Make yourself a smoothie. Have a bubble bath. Watch Seinfeld. Go lie on the trampoline in your bathing suit. Sleep in. Turn off your cell phone. Light candles at dinner. Put on slippers. Pray. Whisper something unintelligible but friendly the first 3 times you wake up. Thank God for silence and then stop thinking. Thank Jesus that he rested, and that he told you to too.

Amnesia Day:

Forget to pray. Be busy and crazy and hectic. Don't worry about it. God was with you the whole time and he already knew it was going to happen and he said to tell you he thinks you're wonderful and not to worry about it.

Making Money:

You have to do it. You might like it. You might hate it. You might wish you were better at it. You might wonder how you will do enough of it. You might spend much more time than you'd prefer doing it. Pray. Ask God to help you today before you start. Ask God to reveal himself to your co-workers. Ask God to interrupt you several times to chat. Ask God to show you the calling on your life. Ask God to help you figure out a better means of paying bills. Thank God for where you are right now. Give some of what you made away.

Shooting The Breeze:

Call your Mom. Have a DTR (define the relationship). Ask a child random questions, like where they would put an extra eye if they had one and listen to their answers. Compliment your cashier or waiter. Tell your friends cheesy jokes. Stab someone in the face, verbally. Pray. Ask forgiveness for not calling your Mom sooner. Tell Jesus you think it's wonderful that he match-makes. Thank God you're not a parent yet. Tell him you hope you have 5 children when you are. Ask for someone's salvation. Beg him to send his Holy Spirit to minister healing and understanding and love and forgiveness and break down hardened hearts and open eyes and to fulfill Jesus' prayer for unity.

Do I Ever Think Out Loud?

[Sherry STOP! This thing is as long as a book, but if you want, you should refrain from reading it, and call me up and make me read it to you. Won't that be fun? An hour or so of me talking and I'll even be mean and not let you interrupt me.]

Sherry asked me yesterday on the phone. I said yes, but the question rolled around in my head for the next hour or more.

It almost makes me choke (the kind of choking that leads to tears when you're overtired, but I'm not) because it's tied to so many things and I don't know where to start.

OK the lighter side first. I walked to the bank and back while thinking about this, and then I helped Pam with gardening since she asked, and she said it would make me feel better, which was a rather prophetic thing to say because it did. Anyway, while going inside to put some stuff down and find bug spray etc. I was talking to myself and realized it as I was walking back out and stopped and laughed. I talk to myself all the time which is precisely thinking out loud. So the obvious answer is of course yes.

I also polled Pam, Kirk, and RJ just for fun. Kirk voted that I don't talk enough. He likened me to God who is smart and thus Kirk appreciates what he has to say, but he has some sort of funky currency for how he talks and so sometimes he's silent and other times he uses varied ways to communicate, but again I got an emphatic, "say more!"

Pam's answer was ironic because she said that sometimes I do what Pam likes to call, "the Sherry Victor," where I give people a blank stare. I wasn't especially concerned about Pam holding to my need to talk more. I'm not sure why, but I end up seeing Pam quite a bit, relative to the house, mornings or after work or whatever and end up chatting.

I kept interrupting RJ with the blender and we were joking around but then he refused to answer, so he doesn't get a public opinion, even if it was a good one.

I suppose I should have asked God what he thinks, and I guess I'll give you a story for this part for now. When I was leaving to go to the bank, I passed Ang, who upon seeing me, apologized to someone on the phone (because she'd thought I already left). So I lay in the grass and let the ants crawl on me and forgot that there were mosquitoes about while I waited. And while lying there I wondered what I might say. I still felt empty, though peaceable. And I think I might have prayed something like God help. He said I should pray with her on the phone. He'd mentioned this at some earlier point too.
So towards the end of the phone call, it came back and before I brought it up, I realized, I'm empty. I don't know how to pray right now. Right about then Sherry interrupted my thoughts by asking me what I was thinking. She had already said she needed to go, her friends were waiting for her, but then she'd started talking about her dreams.
First I was tempted to ask about her dreams, but wait, I really want to pray before she left, since God had suggested it, so yes, that's what I'll do, except I had nothing to say for/to God.
This is an excellent excellent example of what happens a lot in my brain. There is a decision to be made, but there is a distraction that I can't resolve and I get stuck.
I really appreciate friends who so often get me past this hiccup. RJ has been doing this for 5 years and it's great.
The brain freeze happens at work all the time and gets me very frustrated, mostly if Kyle isn't around, but even when he is, if it's something I should be able to resolve quickly but don't.

Sherry commented, isn't it great how fast one can think? And I answered sure. Sure because I've often marveled at such things. But it's not very helpful for communication. If I look at what I've written above, which I have a couple of times, there are ridiculous numerous branches, where my brain has taken off on a different direction, except I have to finish off my first thought or it will lose the point or the emphasis. My brain isn't linear. It jumps around with connections. So if I could hyperlink a whack of words from within a single paragraph and then go give each of them their own paragraph, it would better represent how I'm actually thinking, but it's scary because I can think really quickly (when my brain isn't frozen, but even then it's revving, just not productively) and there could be a dozen paragraphs and each of those could have a dozen paragraphs, and they have immediate connections to past conversations and events and people and places and songs and smells and tastes and I can experience those connections in all of their dimensions in a tiny fraction of a second. Each one an entity, and I can't really see them as if it were a vision, I'm just aware they're there. It's like each one is a person with their own identity and personality.

So how do you think out loud?

I often talk to myself in the morning: Focus Nolan! Make your lunch. But I won't even turn around to get to the fridge before my brain's occupied with a hundred things.
I don't know how other people's brains work. But man, mine makes me wonder if it talks to itself out loud for things that everyone else's is on silent autopilot for. And then it has the nerve to ask me my opinion on everything.
So sometimes it's nice to be so worn out and tired from being so busy, because then I'm too tired to notice the thousand things lurking below the surface. I can turn it off and ignore them, or at least make it less frantic. It's much harder to do that when I'm alone, although writing can be a bit of a concentrated outlet. I prefer people though, and it can be very relaxing to listen to you. Because although my brain is still multi-tasking, playing with what you say, at least it's engaged in a single train of thought, because you can only talk to me about one thing at a time.
At least until you ask me a question. And then yes, I'll give you a stare, while my brain explodes in several directions. And I'm left confused because sometimes none of those are answers. They're explorations and research and more questions. And they're demanding specifics. Begging you to refine your question. Narrow it down so I can eliminate all the extraneous. And I wish I was a big picture kind of person. I assume those people can spread all of their thoughts out like a map and compare them. Mine however are a jumbled up pile of details, definitely not laid out and neatly organized and sorted for ease of analysis.

Maybe that's why it's so relaxing when everything around me is organized. My brain has less to do.

So, new poll, am I crazy?
I'm going to go first and say no. I'm too happy most of the time to be crazy. I only bottom out a dozen times a year, and in between when I start to slip, it takes very little to boost me up.

It should be stated that I don't think I'm a genius or anything like that. When I say my mind goes off in a hundred directions, please don't think of Ted Dekker's book Blink, as if I can see all possible outcomes. I might be thinking of a lot of things all at the same time, but that doesn't mean that any of those are especially smart or good thoughts. Again, I really appreciate friends because frequently they'll say things that are so simple and, good, and they never entered my head.
I'll also say that I can get so annoyed with my brain, especially while driving, because it can focus on and think to death the most banal subjects. Ugh! Can't I think about something more interesting or worthwhile?

Oooh ooh, and as if this wasn't already a book, I've come back to add another bit. Somehow this might be connected to why I really like activity. Singing for example. It's taking my focus and putting it on music, and on a task. I'm still just as distracted with other thoughts and the things going on around me, but at least I've limited my brain a bit and it can't think to the same magnitude.
And sleep is always a good thing. It makes me much sharper. Duh.

Right, and I never finished my story about God.
So after Sherry asked me what I was thinking and I gave her the short run-down. Well, actually I think that's when she asked me question, and then she moved on to her dreams, which I thought was kind of funny since, in my head I had opted for prayer. Anyway there was some sort of awkward bit of conversation after that about whether or not I would pray. I was probably quiet a few moments because I still couldn't pray. So I think she asked me if I was going to, and I wavered, frustrated, and then said yes, because it was right and I had to.
So then I started and the prayers came. It was actually kind of shocking in a very pleasant way. I prayed about Chasey and somethings that had registered a little bit during his grad ceremony. I thanked God for my Dad's eyes doing good and a couple other things. But it sounded good. I won't explain this well enough. Sherry and God both got what they wanted because I was thinking out loud. None of that had been preconceived before I said it. It hadn't been rolling around in my head wondering how it would look when it finally came out. Yes it was about things that had happened earlier in the day, and specifically thoughts that had occurred earlier that day, but I hadn't dwelt on them at the time, and I hadn't thought of them since.

So I guess I'm trying to tell you I enjoyed it too. Instead of an exercize in tripping over myself trying to verbalize something that's been eluding me for the last ten minutes in my head. Something I'm sick or bored of already. Something that will feel hollow and thin and cheap to say out loud (insert hyper-link to old nickname from Nathan: Nolan non-repeating Archer). It was fresh and new and interesting to hear come out of my mouth.